Upates

I am exhausted so there will be no long blog today but a few updates nonetheless.

I have decided that my group of friends and I can make a reality show about our lives. We wouldn't even need scripting since craziness is everywhere. Fights occuring, drunkeness, hookups, injuries, and anything else you can think of. You might be thinking, oh dramatic girls but most of the references from above are the guys in the group. Hehe guess the tides are changing and men are embracing their dramatic queen side.

Halloween is coming up so let the craziness ensue. I have three, count em three costumes to decied from although I now think I am attending two halloween parties so at least 2/3 of the costumes will be used.

I need to lock myself in on Sundays, somehow a baby shower (so inform you of the craziness behind that later) became a 7 hour drink fest. It was hard to turn it down because my girlfriend Drama Queen moved back from florida. Drama queen is always the life of the party and can drink like a sailor, but she is exactly what her name describes. So like a bad after school special I succumbed to the pressures of good food, long islands and ciggerettes...until midnight! I am always feel shitty on mondays. Need to stop drinking (yeah right who am I kidding)

Not looking forward to tuesday...sure I will get no sleep due to S going out, getting drunk and snoring all night. I will not kill my fiance, I will not kill my fiance.

I bought some new clothes this weekend which felt great. I always feel guilty hence I usually don't spend alot on myself. Well three outfits and four pairs of shoes later I feel really guilty.

I will write more detailed accounts of the weekend when I get my head out of my ass...FUCK it's only 11:30! DAMMIT!

My addiction

Hi my name is Quarter life crisis Girl and I have an addiction. I am addicted to Craigslist forums. I constantly look on different forums during the day that it is starting to affect my work and mood. I get mad at everyone when people do not post.

I am so serious that I love the forums on Craigslist…including LTR, women’s issues, wine, and fixit. I love sometimes going on forums that I have no business being there and checking out people and sometimes the crazy trolls. Divorce is a sad one to go into because you see the bitterness. Frugal is funny to see how ridiculous people can be to save. I am a girl at heart so women issues and LTR are definitely where I spend a lot of time. The rant and raves are pretty funny as well. People for the most part already know the answer but just want to hear it over and over again. He slept with my dog and cat should I stay with him? I impregnated other women should I tell my wife? WHAT the hell? Now do not get me wrong I am no better since I love to lurk on these forums but sometimes I am amazed that these people can even type let alone function in society. Sometimes there are truly heartfelt stories where I feel for them and offer some help and sometimes I just fall out of my chair laughing hysterically because the stories are that good.

I cannot access certain parts of CL from work for obvious reasons. The kink forum and personal ads are off limits, yet I can look up naughty blogs? Weird I know, but I gather the IT team looks at websites that are visited the most (aka Myspace, Meet up, etc) and ban them. Websites with any type of sexual content, booze, or fun is off limits. Alright I know we should be working like busy little bees all day long but come on lets get serious, nobody is getting paid enough to not surf a bit online at work. So I continue to feed my addiction with CL and of course all the crazy, great, honest, true to life or lives I wish I had blogs. So to all I say LOUD and PROUD I am addicted to CL and you my fellow bloggers. Now where are the donuts and bad coffee?

New found openness with the rents.

This last Sunday I had my parents over for dinner which I totally realized that now that I am an “Adult” that they are fucking hilarious. Now I have always been close with my mom. Strangely close since I was about sixteen, now the reason I say strangely is because most teenager girls were at war with their mothers around this age and felt that their mother did not understand them. My mother on the other hand was somehow able to make me feel like she understood and at the same time she was still a disciplinarian. Now this should not be to surprising since she was a hippy who went to Woodstock (fucking crazy HUH) and she also got thrown out of her house when her parents found out she was sleeping with her long term first love (scandalous back then). So she understands that children make mistakes and that usually talking to them works better with the punishment at hand. Plus I always felt like she remembered how is was to be younger whereas most other parents forget.

So back to the topic at hand, after a wonderful dinner (S. of course whipped up a delicious chicken and Spanish rice dinner) and a couple of bottles of wine you can see my parents letting go more and more. They are dropping F bombs and generally being hilarious. Although the moment I knew it all changed and for the best was when my dad started talking about the human population and its lack of knowledge about politics.

He stood up and said “I always thought of the United States population in one big circle butt fuck. They are fucking each other and getting fucked!” as he demonstrates with a thrusting pelvis.

That is the moment I knew my parents saw me as a friend and not only a daughter. Hehe, the question is what more is going to come from this new found openness….orgies that relate to medicare?

Reveiws

It is that time of year in the wonderful world of corporate world….you may think thanksgiving, or Christmas? Oh No it is review time! The smell of fear and resentment is in all the halls reeking all around you. It is so funny to think that people really get upset over reviews. Now if it would directly affect your pay then maybe I would be concerned but in all honesty we get the same inflation raise every year about 2-3 %. If you get a real promotion which does not occur around the same time, then you will get a 10 % raise. Well with my pay it is not a huge difference so that is probably why I do not care.

When it comes to filling out your assessment I always get confused. I start to over analyze the psychology behind it (typical woman I know). Do they want me to come off confident and invincible? Do they want me to be humble? Both? Just offer my body? What? Then I realize I don’t care and I give the easiest answer.

On a side bar I am lucky to not have any real responsibilities a.k.a children…hence no one is depending on me to feed them or keep a roof over their head. So if my boss feels like firing me I would collect unemployment (I always wondered how that works but that is another story) and work as a stripper or bartend.

My boss Bull Dyke (I actually like my boss most of the times and I say that term in a good way) calls me in and basically tells me how wonderful I am, nobody has ever complained about me (uhhh hello I work with all men and I have a vagina, a heartbeat, and not hideous), fantastic attitude, and intelligent….but. You have to love that “but” right? It’s like they are prepping you for the worse. Why don’t you just say…life is wonderful but you will be dead soon, or everyone else in the world will be happy but not you. OK back to my story so I am wonderful but I need to pay attention to more detail. DETAIL? Well ok she is right…I just don’t care, and not because the details aren’t important (some are and some aren’t’) but I just don’t care about this job. I do not see the current workplace as a real career path. I of course cannot say this so I do what I always do, bend over and take it. Now do not get me wrong, if I felt she was wrong I would not agree or take it lying down but she was so I did. Why is it we are forced to take jobs that have nothing to do with anything we want to do just so we can do what we want eventually (whew say that fast)? Part of me is going to feel bad if I get the other job I interviewed for since they need all the help they can here..just not bad enough to not take the job and get a real fucking raise.

P.S. I will not kill my fiancé! I will not kill my fiancé.

Catch phrase is banned!

ON Friday you could tell how great of a mood I was in with my job right? Well the day got better when I find out 10 minutes before we leave that there are two, count them two major accidents on the freeway I go home on. I already have a 35 minute commute and it was reported that one of the accidents caused all 4 lanes to be closed off!

Ok. QCG get it together make a plan. I map quest alternate routes home and one with absolutely no highway. Granted there would be more stop lights but an hour home was better than nothing.

I was wrong….dead wrong! Apparently I am not the only egg head to find another path home. EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE STATE did too. A trip that should take an hour took almost three. Needless to say I did not do anything that night in fear of stabbing someone. P.S. thanks truck driver for ruining my Friday night!

So onto Saturday… S actually had the day off so we slept in which was great and then we ran articles all day. Best part of the errands was the shopping for women’s pants so S can dress up as Prince for Halloween. I am talking Purple rain prince, oh yeah! There is nothing better than having your man go into a fitting room in a chick store and finagle his body into tight black pants. He had gained a little more insight into the slight of women and dressing well is like and I gained a laugh.

After finishing painting closets we went to my married friends’ house for Oktoberfest which was so much fun. Sauerkraut, appetizers and fall beer was amazing mixed with great friends until….

We all decided to play catch phrase. Catch phrase is basically charades with words and a timer. We in are older age seem to be getting into playing games when we are drunk. The thing is this game seems to bring out the worse in anyone. Yelling, screaming, anger, throwing things and general craziness comes with this game. Yet we continually think (when we are blasted) it will be different this time.

We pick teams and then at one point of the game two brothers start to yell at each other. When all of a sudden out of nowhere my good friend Truck driver comes over and hit one of the brothers in the head and goes for the next. The whole room goes into frenzy and craziness ensues. Do not get me wrong we have all seen fights but at the same time we are all starting to hit our thirties, isn’t this shit for when you are 16? I have decided that Catch phrase is banned from our group of friends…or until I am drunk again!

I will not..

Kill my Boss, I will not Kill my Boss. FUCK HER, FUCK THIS COMPANY.....I so need to get that other job!

The kitchen counter

As I walk through the door I put down the millions of bags I had target shit in and go to put some groceries away when all of a sudden I feel strong head rubbing my back, caressing me up and down. Slowly the strong hands start to undo my work slacks and remove my shirt. I can feel the temperature rising and we did it like animals on our kitchen counter! Full fledge, like the first months we dated, and fucked 8 times a day, hot sex and it was fabulous.

It’s so weird sometimes because I talk to my girlfriends and they are not into the random sex anywhere. Granted we all have been with our men for a while if not married but I swear some of them don’t have a sex life at all. After 4 years S. and I have sex almost everyday, and I don’t want it any other way.

I am opposite of most women in that when I am stressed and pissed at life I love to have sex. When I cum I forget about everything and it makes me feel like nothing is that big of a deal. I also somehow use it as validation (this could be good or bad) that S. still thinks I am sexy. I tell him over and over the day you stop trying to fuck me on a daily basis is the day we are going to have problems.

My girlfriends comment “I can’t believe you like to just fuck like that, he just comes up and takes you.” My response “HELL YA, I want hit me over the head, cave man hot sex sometimes.” Don’t get me wrong S is so good with PDA, foreplay, cuddling, talking before, during and after sex and we do have love making sessions, but sometimes I want that uncontrollable “you have to have me” sex. I don’t understand how that can’t make any women feel sexy. There are two reasons (I think with the exception of people with children) either

A. You’re man is not making you orgasm. This could be his or your fault. His if he is just inept but most times women I know don’t know there own body (Masturbation is a girls best friend too), or too afraid to be vocal in sex.
B. Or you are gay

After our christening of the kitchen counter I was like “Oh going to have to clean of the counter after that. Not very sanitary, hehe!” He turned around and said “Ha-ha, QG you think I care about the counter I eat you out on a daily basis and you think being on the counter is a big deal? Hahaha! Way to get domestic on me.

Closeted blogger

I realized I am a closeted Blogger.


(Remember when Tom Cruise was in the closet on south Park? Love that shit!"

I feel this "closetness" is necessary so that I can write and express everything and anything. I can be as crazy, hurtful, outspoken or retarded as I want. I found out how it might feel to be exposed as well. ONE WORD (ok well two)

FUCKING SCARY!

A good girlfriend of mine emailed me to catch up since we do not talk on a regular basis and she mentioned my blog. What was going on after she read my blog….MY WHAT! MY WHAT! How the fuck does anyone, I mean anyone know about my blog. My head starts to spin as beads of sweat fall down. What have I written over the last 100 posts, would she know about the people, me, etc? Oh my god, oh my god! I asked her calmly, as pit stains were starting to develop, where did you find it? Her response….Uhh on Myspace silly. Whoooo a stroke of relief flushes my body. She has not found out your secret, your craziness, and most importantly your blogging identity.

I didn’t think it would affect me that much to have someone know about my blog, but truly I have told no one, not even S. about it. I feel if I do I would have to censor or restrain myself. I need this place for the complete opposite of that. I don’t mind people I don’t know seeing this but people I do know might start to look at me differently if not feel hurt from this blog. Let’s face it nobody wants to know what people, even close loving people, think about you all the time. We all have our flaws and even though I love the close people in my life they annoy, hurt, anger me sometime or another as well as I do the same to them. I can hear my mom say “I love you QG but I just don’t like you right now” which is so true. Life is full of up and downs with the people you love (lets face it I probably wouldn’t care otherwise), but this place is my sanctuary and I do not want anyone I know to know about it.

Onto other news….the condo is looking fabulous (just felt like a hot gay man when I said that) and it is getting near perfection. Worked on the custom floating shelves S made me (he is so hot when he builds things) and it is going to look somethign like this but black.



I took the long awaited bath and it was nice. The funny thing is I remember baths being a lot bigger. Guess my 5’10 frame doesn’t help me in that area anymore.

To date S. and I have christened the living room floor, couch, dining table, bed and shower. Next should be kitchen and hallway (JK or am I). For some reason I can’t help but want to walk around naked all the time…which turns S on and then he attacks me.

Note: to people having sex issues, just walk around naked doing everyday things, and confident…this will put vagina and sexual organs in man’s view which renders them helpless.

I need some ass pushing so I go to the gym; I have been horrible since moving in. I have become obsessed with the condo and working on it until it is finished so I do not have to worry about it later. This normally is no big deal except Halloween and my slutty outfit is coming up soon and I do not need to look like a lard ass.

Great weekend but...

I need a weekend for my weekend! I swear I somehow always stay up way to late on Sunday. Overall the weekend was great, and yesterday was amazing. I went to a vineyard with my girlfriend and had a wine tasting. After purchasing some bottles we ate delicious classy (cheese, pesto chicken wraps, Prosciutto wrapped cheese) food overlooking the vineyard. For some reason it is October but it was 80 something degrees yesterday. After the vineyard we went back and somehow I was double fisting it with wine and a bailey’s on the rock. Grrrrr I woke up with a horrible headache and now I am just exhausted at work. Only two more tedious hours.....too tired to type so I will write some more witty banter tomorrow.

Weddings and my persona

Well I start my other new job tonight….Bartender! Yes I am reverting back to collage and graduate school days to help carry the wedding load. Nice to see my advanced degree and experience is worth something right? So in the next few months my life is going to suck. I am going to most likely be working 5-7 days a week. Hence I will have very little life but a nice wedding? Is that a good trade off? Can I just rant for a second….the wedding industry is fucking crazy and inflated. They completely over charge for everything because they can. I so wanted to do Jamaica but my 91 year old grandmother made that impossible so I am stuck hosting a huge Irish catholic breeding wedding. I come from a family of 4 daughters and my dad is from a family of 11 children. Tack on spouses and the lack of birth control and you have somewhere around 60 immediate cousins. Hey don’t get me wrong, I am glad my family enjoys sex even in their old age (ewww) but come on.

Well onto other things, I am waiting to hear from that job. I asked two friends from work to write me recommendations and my coworker Safety guy (whom is recently dating my sister who I set her up with) sent me back a mock response and I just about pissed myself.

From: Safety Guy
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 1:51 PM
To: Quarterlife Crisis Girl
Subject: FW: reference check

Remember all those times you called me douche bag. Well now it’s time for payback. See below for my response (in red).

________________________________________
From: New Company HR lady
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 1:29 PM
To: Safety Guy
Subject: reference check

Dear Safety Guy.

Quarterlife Crisis Girl has applied for a position at new Whiz Bangy Science Company and has listed you as one of her references. Would you be so kind as to complete the following reference questionnaire and e-mail your reply? Thank you,

Applicant’s name QuarterlifeCrisis Girl

Reference Name Safety Guy
Safety & Environmental Department



How long have you know the applicant? About a year and a half.


In what capacity did you interact with her? I’ve never actually worked on a project with her, but I’ve gone out drinking with her on a number of occasions.


Please describe the applicant's job responsibilities. Not sure. All I know is she spends way too much time bullshitting with other employees. Plus when she doesn’t call in sick she is usually hung-over. On the rare occasion that she isn’t hung-over, she is screwing off on the internet or sending out raunchy emails.


Could you provide a specific example where the applicant took a process from start to finish and was the real driving force behind its completion? She’s really good at opening a beer and finishing it. Does that count?


What was the applicant’s greatest strength? She doesn’t forget anything, especially when you piss her off.


What is an area the applicant can continue to work to develop? She sucks at beer pong.


Would you hire the applicant? Actually when you flat out ask the questions, I would probably say no. But I would definitely recommend partying with her.


Nice to know I still have the title of “BEST PARTY ANIMAL EVER”



Cited from: http://www.robertburridge.com/newsletter/artsyfartsy_may07/index.html

I am officialy insane

FUCK me, fuck life, fuck everything…well not everything. I seriously don’t know what my problem is. Well that is a lie I do know what my problem is. I love S. but I am totally insecure and because of past issues with him have become a total jealous girlfriend who is suspicious of everything. When S. and I first started dating 4 years ago it was never like that, EVER. He would say over and over how great it was to be with a girl who wasn’t the jealous type. See I always have had guy friends and didn’t sleep with them so I assumed that guys could handle the same, well low and behold early in the relationship after a drunken night when I wasn’t around S. did not show me the same restraint. Hence a breakup, and him crawling after me for a while. I was devastated and didn’t know how to react. Up to this point I had never been or at least never found out about someone cheating on me. Now I know why would you take him back why? Well I do love him (ewwww) but also I have had sex with no emotion, know sometimes it doesn’t mean anything and people make mistakes. All of these are true but let’s face it when it comes to S. I am just fucking pathetic. I have accepted this, well sorta.

After getting back together, couples counseling and a lot of ups and downs we are still together but I still can’t get over the issues from the past. Unless he is giving me all his attention I start to get suspicious I do those horrible snooping and what not. I find myself trying to calm my insecurities but then I will get drunk and they all come out. Example I have S. passwords to most of his accounts and yesterday one was changed….hmmm instead of thinking something normal like the computer asked for a change or whatever I immediately think the worse. He is cheating on me…I have no proof, no indication, he hangs out with me, moved in with me, bought me a ring, etc. etc. etc. but I can’t help the horrible thoughts running through my head. It makes me do things like check the history on the computer and things of that nature. Part of me is just looking for things to go wrong. When we got back together I told him “Be prepared for someone who will always be suspicious, I did forgive but women never forget.” Then I ask why do I do this, why do I stay, why can’t I let go. Why is it so hard to move on and let this go…I just want to be normal again. I want to be secure that even if he is attracted to others (which we all are) he will not act on it. I think we have been through a lot which is good and shows we are both in for the long haul, but I can’t help and think….S. is great now but what about 10 years down the road. He is going to get complacent and seven year itch will set in and some tramp half my age will hit on him while I am at home watching the three kids, which in turn will cause me to stab him and spend twenty years in prison. (God I sound crazy huh!)



Sometimes begin friends with men (don’t get me wrong I love my girls too) just helps you feel more depressed about how men are. Since these guy friends are open and honest in front of me you hear the true thinking’s of men and honestly women it is as crude, macho, and perverted as you think. Most men think this way some just know not to say it out loud while others don’t. I have numerous guy friends who to the outside world are exactly what a woman wants, I mean “chick flick” guy in shining armor. Yet their thought process is still the same as the dickhead player. Now they act on their impulses less if at all but still they think the same. This started to get me super depressed when I lived with the 4 guys for about 3-4 months. Sometimes you think, what’s the point! I will get old and they will want younger and hotter. Other days I have faith and think men can rise above that crap. I guess I am just having a bad day, and my insecurities are really coming out.

Thank god for this blog because here I can spew all my craziness out and not actually launch it on any poor person in my life. It helps to just vent and place all the crazy ramblings in my head out there so that it isn’t just stuck up there. If you keep it stuck in your brain it will drive you insane. So I guess it is better to sound insane on my anonymous blog than BE insane in real life right?

Amazing day yesterday...

Whooo hooo I had the day off yesterday (uhh I was sick, yeahh right) and that interview for a new job. Can I tell you I ROCKED the interview. I will be surprised if I don't get the job because I was the perfect candidate not only in my education background but my current job experience, plus sleeping with the president never hurts, hehehe JK. Hopefully getting this job will mean more responsibility and about a 10 to 12 thousand dollar raise which we desperately need since we own a condo and we have to save like 18 thousand dollars in 8-9 months (can we say other job opportunities like stripping and prostitution sound good right now). I have also signed on for bartending/waitressing catering jobs to help make more money. Hey I figure who needs a social life right, hehe! I keep saying it over and over, ONLY one year of misery, only one year!

So I get home from the three hour interview which I rocked and stopped by S. work to share the good news and he was able to get out of work early. So I go home to our condo (can I tell you how great it feels to say that) and the front door was bolt locked. S. opens the door in his t-shirt and that is it! Hahaha I interrupted his Jerk off session, hehe! Which turned out to be great because I wanted to jump his bones right there? We christened the dining room table and it was fabulous! We were both on cloud nine when we started discussing the floating shelves he was going to make this weekend for the condo. It was so adorable how excited he was about making them. Sometimes S. totally amazes me and reminds me why I am in love with him and want to spend the rest of my life with him (yes I am corny).

Well back to work and hopefully a call for a new job and a raise will come in the next couple of weeks....

I officially own a condo and it is adorable. After my lawyer/Uncle started yelling at my realtor at the closing everything was smooth sailing, hehe! We bought a flat screen 46 inch Aquos TV which S. wanted to make love to and moved everything in on Saturday. Can I tell you how much I love being a women on the those days. Its universally known for any man who is moving to get another man to help. I will help you open the doors and unpack but I am not about moving huge couches, tables and beds. Thank god for ovaries and men's outdated view that we are too weak to handle it. It works in my advantage and I am fine with that.

Basically all weekend we just spent unpacking and decorating. S. was amazing and is great with tools. He didn't complain once and the place is looking more and more like home. We have very different changes. I want to repaint the cabinets and refinish our bedroom set but besides that everything else is new. With that said having a whole new bathroom is the most amazing thing not only because of the obvious advantages but I CAN TAKE A BATH! I have not taken a fucking bath in over 4 years. I am not a crazy anal retentive clean person but there was no way I was laying in the bath where 4 guys clean their dirty feet and jerk off on a weekly basis. So today on my lunch break I am going to buy a really nice bubble bath to just soak. Ahhhh that might be as orgasmic as well.....a orgasm.

It feels so fabulous to own our own place for some reason it makes me feel more adult! I know I know that sounds retarded but at the same time it is true. Well back to pretending to be an adult.

P.S. Say a prayer I have an interview tomorrow...which means I am calling out of work to take the interview.

Life is good

Alright shit has been a bit busy the last couple of days. Stress over the condo mostly but we got the word on tuesday that our mortgage commitment went through and we are good to close on friday! WHOOOOO HOOOOO! Thank god, I will not have to murder a roommate or watch sports center (not as much at least) every fucking night!

On to a different topic I had another dream about the Ex last night. It was so bizarre, it included me, the Ex and Pink. Yes, the singer pink! My Ex was with Pink and I was trying to get him back. The weird thing it never ends, which I mean I try and then right before I do I go blank, stop or wake up. I think I am subconciously freaking out do to the commitment ahead. ALL I know is S. better not mess up big time or I will rip his balls off, and make him eat it for breakfast, hehe.

I think I found my halloween outfit or should I say outfits. I can't decide so I will show you the three I purchased. I like them all and have dislikes of each of them. I don't know what to do. It is getting harder and harder to find a costume and I am getting older and older to be wearing them either so I have to enjoy it while I can.

This is a classic and S. loved it the most, of course the tighter or shorter (ah hell he wishes I would go naked) he loves it more. I think it looks hot but the fishnets kind of show lines underneath the costume because it is so tight.



The next one looks great except the tube top isn't as flattering as I had hoped. I do not have huge tits so it doesn't help lift rather push down. My stomach looks great but it is kind of bright as well.



The last I have not tried on but it is in order. I think this could be hot but hopefully the same issues with stockings will occur as with the sheriff costume.



Sometimes I just wish I had a perfect body and looked like a porn star, then I wouldn't care because everything would make me look hot.

Buying a condo sucks

OK, OK I know I have control issues but this condo shit is so retarded. Basically we have been working toward this condo the last month and a half. All of the participates are always saying "Everything is on track, etc" but I find out last week it is not! It is not at all, with all the problems with foreclosures, and mortgages the undersriter is giving us a really difficult time. First off I do not understand this since S. and I make more than enough (coimbined we make how much the condo is being sold for) and we are not buying a 250,000 dollar house it is a one bedroom condo aka apartment that we technically own. Seriously these problems would not bother me except the closing is supposed to be this friday! WTF! Hmmmm going to continue to chew on my nails.
In other news the "moving out of the apartment" party we had this weekend was a blast (ironic since we might not get it now) with the whole crew there including my sisters. I had just enough booze to feel drunk but not sick drunk and I kicked ass on the beer pong table. I surprise guys since they think I am just a girl in a hot skirt but oh no I become BEER PONG QUEEN and won over 12 games in a row, and lets face it by the twelf game I couldn't even see straight which is why I lost. Hey a woman can only do so much. I think I remember belting the pong ball at my opponents head in hope that a lost eye would continue my winning streak.

Nightmares...

Holy shit I had the most bizarre nightmare last night. I will not go into the whole long drawn out version but short story is that S. hit on some girl right in front of me and I broke it off. I proceeded to warn the new girl, and as I was walking out I saw my ex of 4 years (guy I was with before S. and all through college) and we reconnected. It has always been a back and forth of the ex and S.
The ex and I were engaged but I was so young and not ready and he had never been with anyone else. I remember when I was engaged with the ex I started having dreams and nightmares then too. I woke up so pissed and realized it was a nightmare. It was so vivid I was ready to walk out and needed to calm myself. The only good thing is right at that moment S. put his strong arms around me and cuddled, felt really good but my heart was running a million miles a minute. How can dreams be so real, and why am I dreaming about an ex? Sometimes just sometimes I feel like a guy. I have to remember to not freak out. I think I am starting to wig out a bit since the condo closing is coming closer and that is the first thing that really links us together. Why can't I just relax, and stop thinking like a man? Isn't the man supposed to be freaked out about commitment? I want to marry him and I love him but these dreams are not helping me!

Updates and other random thoughts

- I got a response for that interveiw but I am trying to make the appointment for furthur in the month so I don't take too much time off work (and the THC is out of my system), plus i figure they took 4 months to get back to me, a couple fo weeks can't kill their precious HR and company. On the other hand I could be fucking myself, but it won't be the first time.

- Only 10 days until the closing of the condo! THANK you god because if I have to watch one more baseball game or ESPN show I am going to castrate every man I see.

- My sister and safety guy are going fabulous so hopefully neither one of them will fuck it up.

- Ever feel like you have different groups of friends. I have about 4 close girlfriends in state that are constants. Two and two seems to be how it is and the weird thing is unless I am there the 4 will not meet up. They actually like each other but will not make any effort for each other. They will all call me but not each other....weird.

- Was able to have sex last night after all the gyno hoopla and can I tell you I don't know how women (who do not have kids that is) can go a week without it. Either you are a lesbian, your man is not doing it right, or you are not in tune with your body so your poor man doesn't even have a chance.

- Started looking at halloween outfits let me know which one you think is the sluttiest, because that is what halloween is all about...LOOKING like a slut and no one saying a damn thing about, even better you can win a contest! Gotta love that holiday. Now remember my legs are my best feature, I have a flat stomach but my boobs are huge, so being 5'10 and legs to my boobs looks fabulous.


I love this one because I think she looks bitchy. Below is just a sluttier version, but would have to try it on definately to not embaress myself, hehe!


I think this hot but adorable and I would be able to make my boobs look bigger with this top because of more fabric coverage.


I love the idea of the senorita and I think it is totally hot but i don't know if everyone would get it and after being drunk all night I don't know how well slurring words in spanish will go.


I love the mermaid but not sure if my tiny titties would be able to hold up the shells?


Last but not least my favortie the rag doll, but I would defiantely have to lose five pounds only because no body carries my size which is M/L and I tried on the one below and it would need 5-8 pounds gone to get into the skirt. Legs and stomach looked great just couldn't zip it up all the way.

I was thinking about money and how I have absolutely no idea how I have none. I don’t go crazy buying coach bags or shoes…Marshalls is a huge treat for me yet I still seem to work paycheck to paycheck. This notion is enhanced ten times in the fact that I made way less (I am talking like 35,000 dollars less) when I was in college and grad school and somehow I was able to afford more. Granted I have more bills but it just gets me thinking, what is the point of making more money when you are just going to spend it on crappy things like a mortgage, food and a car?
New revelation: I need to move to a warmer state and just live as a beach bum or a stripper (hey I won't be eating as much so my body should look fabulous).
On another note I am playing match maker to my sister and safety guy. Remember him he hit on me and I was and still am with S. so that was never going to happen, so I figured hey my sister looks just like me and overall is a nicer person. They have already gone on two dates, now it is out of my hands and maybe my sister can become the wife and mother she always wanted to be. Say a prayer, that is really her only dream and it may not be mine but I want my sisters to accomplish all of their dreams.

No drinking yet I got no sleep?

Uhhhhhh I am so tired and irritated. I hate going to work lethargic because the job is so boring it is already hard to stay awake, focus and work.
I just want to rant a bit.....S., some friends and I met up with some of S. friends who came in from San Diego. The guy is nice and I will refer to him as rocker guy (he has long hair and a go-tee) and we all hung out at a bar. I went home early since I have to go to work in the morning and S. stayed out since he had today off (bastard I am jealous). I put my earplugs in, wash my face, put my face mask on (have to love the nightly rituals) and proceed to bed.
Well two hours later I am woken out of a dead fucking sleep to S. plastered and falling all over the place, crashing into everything. S. is not very good with shots so when he does he becomes a retard with no motor skills. As he climbs into bed he starts to toss and turn then completely falls and crashes off the bed. FINE (as my anger starts to rise more and more) stay on the floor at least then you aren't tossing all night keeping me awake. Then he aparently tried to grab a pillow and caused other things like nightstands to fall over. GRRRRRRR I am getting more and more irritated and awake. Finally he gets up a little later (right when I am about to fall asleep again) and crawls into bed. THEN he starts to snore...MOTHER FUCKER!

Side Note: I have this wonderful trick on how to train a man to not snore. Just close his nose so he is forced to breath out of his mouth. Now the first couple of times the guy will either breath out of his mouth or jerk awake feeling like he was suffocating...but either way over time it will get to the point that all you have to do is graze his nose and thank god for Pavlov's law the man will roll over.

Back to the story..so I touch his nose and he rolls over. Finally I can get some sleep. Wake up and start to walk around and see the room is trashed and S. totally pissed all over the floor (should have known better he would have stayed on the floor all night otherwise) which I stepped in. Holy shit I love this man and don't get me wrong I have come home drunk too, but I do not create this much havoc. So I get ready and I couldn't help myself. I reset the alarm for 9am put it the loudest I could and across the room so he can't hit snooze or off. Whoopsees, second mistake...mentioning to his rocker friend who was sleeping on our couch that S. pissed himself. Hey I figure those two are very calm and nice in comparison to the thoughts of torture i wanted to inflict on S. for ruining my whole night.

Love to be a woman except..

I will be honest that most days I love being a woman. I will never complain that men have it better (at least right now) than we do, especially being in my mid twenties. Life is crazy but being a somewhat attractive woman (I am cute more so than model) you can take advantage of a lot of things. Getting out of tickets, free drinks, etc. but there are a few times that I cannot stand being a woman. And that time is…..

The visit to the GYNO (as a dark errie sound plays in the back)

Where else can you be asked to place your vagina on full display to be poked and prodded at without even getting some drinks or dinner before!? Actually most times it is not too bad but today I had to have a little procedure done and sometimes I feel like the doctor is not really caring about how my cervix is feeling. Plus because of liability now there usually has to be more than just your doctor in the room. Ahhh soon they will tell me that they need eight doctors in their to help spread out the insurance costs they have. So I sit here at my desk popping Tylenol to help my cramps and think maybe I can speed home, cry my way out of a ticket and make myself feel like a sexy lady again?

P.S.: Oh and on a side note I can’t have any sex for a week! When mentioning this to S. he says “What, I need to have a chat with this doctor” as I am laughing I realized how he was trying to cheer me up. Sometimes he is really a great guy and knows how my sarcastic sense of perversion makes medical procedures not seem so serious.

P.S.S: I called back for the interview and lied that I was out of town on business but would love to set up an interview when I get back. AKA..need to stall so my system can clean out all the THC it collected from a cab driver. Damn you HR groups and taking forever to get back.

Hmm weekend and a possible interview!

OK so the weekend was once again a druken blur...hmmm I need to relax with the booze when you get yet another scrape and ruin your jeans and you have the following converstation with a cab driver (hey I was responsible and took one home).

Me: Hi, can you take me home to..... its off exit 26.
Cabbie: Ohh I brought you home last night didn't I?
Me: Oh shit yeah you did and you sold me that great weed and let me smoke in your cab, can I light up?
Cabbie: No problemo you can do whatever you want...you are so beautiful do you know that
(Side Note: I looked like a drunken mess)
Me: Ohhh thanks thats nice, just trying to get home.
Cabbie: You know what?
Me: What?
Cabbie: I will give you as much weed as you want and the ride for free if you give me one hour in a hotel room with you.
(Side note: Now most women would be offended by this but I could not help but laugh that he thinks that would be enough to convince me to sleep with him)
Me: Laughing so hard, Uhhhhh sorry I am not a hooker and I am a good girl, but thanks for the offer.
Cabbie: Are you sure?
Me: Hahha, yeah I am sure!
Cabbie: Well here have this anyways (hands me a marlboro pack)
Me: Ohhh thanks (I open it and it does not have ciggerettes rather a big bag of weed)
Me: Ohhh I can't pay for this and I am not going to sleep with you...
Cabbie: Ohhh don't worry about it, just take it.
Me: I repeat I am not going to sleep with you for anything
Cabbie: It's not a problem just take it.
Me: I AM NOT GOING TO SLEEP with you
Cabbie: No I know, don't worry
Me: Uhh ok (as I stuble out of the cab, throw a 20 at him and bolt)

As I get into my apartment I just about fell over thinking I was just given a free bg for nothing but I was also apparently so hooker looking after drinking all night that someone thought I was, hehe! Maybe its a sign from god that I either need to stop drinking or hookers get alot of great perks. Need to ponder over that?

On my professional forefront I got a call back for an interveiw for a job that I applied for like 4 months ago. WHAT the fuck why do big companies post jobs for ever but take forever to answer. Oh well I am going to set one up to see if I can get more moeny out of them. Updates will follow as for now i will pretend to work as an engineer and start bartedning my weekends away (hmm maybe I should look into being a hooker, hehehe)

Going for an interview

Wish me luck I am going for an interveiw to see if I can get a barteding gig with a catering company just for Saturdays. I can make an extra 15 dollars an hour and tips. I just need to make anywhere from 50-100 dollars extra a week for spending money so I don't touch my check except to pay bills and save. How funny is it I went to college and graduate school and still going back to bartending! Hey what can I say its quick easy cash!

HAPPY day

Soooo Happy! Today is a half day and S. and I are doing fabulous! Whoo hoo! I know I bitch alot (keeps me sane and from stabbing coworkers or S. hehehe JK) but sometimes I really sit back and can see how amazing my life is.

Morning sex...

OK to all the men out there I want to clear something up. I love "morning" sex but do not love "hard, throbbing dick, pointing in my butt crack, waking me out of a dead sleep, expecting me to be wet right away groggy" sex! Do not get me wrong if I wake up out of a nice sleep role over and see your amazing body glistening in the morning light and snuggle up then it is a go, hey even slightly caress me or go down town gently and I am sure morning sex would be fabulous! Plus lets not forget that breaths stink and my face mask has a tendency to make me look oily in the morning, not exactly sexy material. Ahh who the fuck am I kidding i don't care if I look sexy, I still love to have sex but getting jolted out of a dead sleep for cock isn't appealing in the least. Sorry S and all the men out there!

Registries and my clit

Can I tell you how bizarre and fun creating a registry is?! I just made two registries online because everyone kept bitching that I didn’t have one. Sorry masses I am not a money grubbing gold digger only getting married for gifts, but it is nice finding things to get for our new condo. Who knew you could purchase a asparagus steamer (ok, ok I didn’t get any more retarded non-needed kitchen stuff except this) because I love ASPARUGUS. I also found adorable casual china and a lot of other stuff. It’s funny though because I still think about people spending too much. So I made it easy on people poor or rich (hmmm do I even know anyone rich, hehe) by registering at Macy’s and also Target. I think it was better that I did it online because I could picture myself going insane with products around me in the stores and registering for too much. The most expensive thing I registered for S. and I was a DYSON vacuum which I am hoping my grandmother will get it for me. I don’t think I am going to get expensive china since I am pretty sure I will NEVER use it, honestly I can only remember one time my mom used it in my childhood and that is because we mentioned how no one ever uses china anymore. Well hopefully people will get most of the shit on the registry so I can dump all the un-matching shit we have now, hehe!
ON the condo front our closing is on September 28 so it is coming up quickly and I am excited. It will be so nice to be out of a house full of testicles and cocks (except S. of course). I am trying to save as much as possible which is going pretty good and everyone would be proud of me…I turned down going out last night and even some pot. Pot just makes me fucking eat all day and night; booze doesn’t make me eat but makes me spend more. FUCK how wonderful drugs and alcohol are, hehe!
Hmm do you think anyone would notice if I brought my clit massager into work and took a long break, all of a sudden I feel extremely horny……(total random thought I know)

Grrrr hungry...

How is it possible I am starving at nine in the morning. Granted I did not eat breakfast but I never eat breakfast. I am about to bust out the Wonton Soup I brought but that is my lunch. How is it I forget to bring money when I am hungry. All I would need is two hard boiled eggs right now (best thing to help curb appetitie and lots of protein). GOD DAMMMMMIT!. Alright I guess its the Wonton or I am going to start eating coworkers.

Long weekends are fun

Ahhh sorry for the previous post as you can tell I was wasted and drunk! Not that I don't always want S. attention but sometimes (I know this is hard to believe, hehe) I am an attention whore with him, hehe! Example, I got pretty drunk this weekend (God, I love 4 day weekends) and he went to a bar with a friend (down the street) but here is the kicker didn't mention he was going so here me and my friends are at this house and my fiance and my friends husband apparently just took a walk. Uhhh ok normal sober Me would just get ahold of him make sure he is ok and go on with my bad self....but drunk Me gets mad goes to the bar has a shot and then goes to another bar without them and telling S. to make a point. Then I come back and proceed to argue with him till I pass out. Now the weird thing is I do care that he doesn't tell me where he is going....the night before he thought i had left the party we were at and got worried, but apparently it is ok for him to leave. I guess the booze basically ruins my delivery. I get irritated at him and myself for different reasons. With him it feels like a double standards sometimes. Its ok for him but not for me, but i do the same thing as well. Ahhh apparently i had called up an ex that night I got pissed at S. as well. I didn't meet up and have would not have done anything but it is so childish for me to like call this guy I know likes me still and use him to make me feel better. SHIT, I need to grow up, not drink so much, or lock S. in a closet for only me to take out (as needed).

I'm drunk

I am so drunk....toooo much wine and too much fun. I am here at my frineds house consuming so much wine, shots and beer that I realize that I love S. but I don't know if he can give me everything I want. I am here and there is a girl who when we were broke up he tried to have sex with. Now I only know this because he was being honest with me but now I knwo which makes me feel shitty. Part of me knows in the futere he will not give me attention like he .....somewhat does now which is going to suck so much. How di you make it stay fresh. How do you compete with everyday bullshit? How do you amek yourself feel pretty when you are 50? I don't know....I just don't fucking know! Fuck men and fuck myself because I care.... I am sure I will wake up tomorrow not so drunk and not worry so much. But for now I am wasted and worry about my man not caring.

A little background on the family

OK, I am going to explain a bit about me and my family. I overall can say i have a normal upbringing and feel very blessed with my family. After 30 years my parents are still married and mostly happy. I also have three sisters. YUP I said three so my poor father was stuck with 5 women at the house and at one point we all had our monthly friend. Sometimes I am in shock he isn't in a mental ward bouncing against some walls. So onto the explainations of my family...

My father: Irish catholic man who came form a family of 11 kids so having 4 was absolutely no big thing. He is extremely kind, patient, laid back and smart. All of these things make him amazing but at the same time after he came back from Vietnam (at least this is what my mother says) he was not the same. He is not an alcoholic but for such a brilliant man he isn't really doing anything with his life. He is a janitor. I am not bashing this and would never put down my father but he has a bachelor degree and is an amazing artist. So explain to me how he is just a janitor? It appears that my father does not do anything over the top unless he believes he can do it 100 % which lets face it is not most things. Hence he does nothing. Basically my father is not a father who takes care of the family monetarily but emotionally. He is so amazing with children and my grandmother sometimes it even amazes me. So overall I cannot compalin about my father except for that time that he forgot me at the baseball field on the bad side of town for 4 hours (Imagine a 13 year old girl trying to steer cleer of crackheads in her powder blue catholic school softball uniform, hehe)

Mother: Ahhh my mother...she is definately the leader of our family. A scrapper, intelligent, organized, hard working, over stressed, dramatic, crazy women. She is one strong cookie and definately (except for my little sister) raised us to be the same. She put herself through school, grew up in the sixties, went to woodstock, burned her bra and has owned her own successful advertising agency and raised 4 daughters. Pretty damn impressive. She is my hero and best friend and as I get older we are closer and closer. I love her but over the last ten years I have realized that as stressed as she is she feeds off of it. She loves it no matter what she says. She in turn can be very negative, complaining alot and that is fine for me but to be so cynical sometimes is almost unhealthy. She has a tendency to baby the youngest as well so they have this horrible hate love realitonship which I then get the call from Momma dukes (after a couple glasses of wine) and have to hear about their ridiculous squabble.

Oldest sister Mrs. DINK: Mrs Dink is an amazing sister who has pretty much had the perfect life. Everything has always fallen into place for her. Beautiful, smart, been with the same man for ten years, married, husband is really well off, etc. etc. etc. Now even though her husband and her are total YUPPIE's and DINKS (double income no children) she is also the most caring person ever. To make myself feel bad all I have to do is call her. She helps elderly people, mentors mentally handicapped children, teaches a CCD class, etc. Did I mention she works for a Non-profit company? She is amazing but sometimes I am remind that I did nothing this last week to help the world except not try to puke after too many drinks at the bar.

Second sister Ms. Insecurity: My second sister is also a sweet gentle thing. She has always been kind of insecure considering she had a learning disability growing up so she felt different from my sister and I. She constantly compared herself to us and being so skinny like a bean pole as a kid and not sticking up forherself made her an easy target. I can tell you I got into numerous fist fights as a kid sticking up for my older sister. She has gown so much and definately come into her own but I sometimes worry that her trusing niave ways still makes her an easy target. Now that she is in her late 20's she is starting to feel like her clock is ticking. See here lays the major difference between Ms. I and me she wants nothing more than to get married, have babies and be someone's trophy wife. Do not get me wrong I want a family but Ms. I will basically ask you if you want to impregnate her on the second date.

Me: Ms. Know it all partier. So I have to write about myself don't I. Well lets see i am outgoing, pretty, fun, tall (5'10'') and know how to have fun. I have gone the furthest in school (Science masters and working on my MBA, but definately love to have a good time. I am agressive, but caring and would do anyhting for my family and a good friend. But I also have this annoying habit where i think I know everything and will debate just to debate (always playing the devils advocate). I also was the big partier as a teenager (raves, clubs, house parties, etc) and still am. I am more calm but still party more than my siblings including my younger sister. So I know that I have flaws as well but luckily the people about me love me anyways.

Youngest sister: Only child: Now Only child is called that because although biologically she isn't an only child in reality she is. She is 6 years younger than I am she is the baby. Hence overall she is rotten spoiled brat. She has everything done by my mother and does not appear to appreciate any of it. Besides being rotten, she is gorgeous, smart and extrememly talented singer. She goes to college for Opera right now and can blow your mind with her voice. Sometimes when she sings I forget how she knows how to bend my parents to her will. She is also very strong and bitchy and I say that in a good way. I do not believe Only child will be swindled by anyone and if she could just get off my mom's tit she will be even stronger.

So that is my family and while I talk about bad stuff overall we are all very close and have been lucky to live in such a loving intact family where i basically have 5 best friends for the rest of my life.

Old friends, and the beach

Everyone has that one friend who is always alot of fun and a big partier, but with that always brings drama and craziness. Only child I have been friends with for ten years and even how we met was dramatic.
There I was talking to a girlfriend in the middle of latin class when I get yelled at by the teacher. Ok I was talking so I diserved it and just stopped talking when all of a sudden Only child spoke up and started yelling at the teacher because she had stopped me from telling the story and that the teacher should go fuck herself. Well needless to say Only child was sent to the principals office and we were best friends ever since. Now it has been a long path up and downs but we are still close and she is visiting this week to find a job since she is moving back from Florida in October.
So luckily I had Wednesday off since Only child was coming home on tuesday. Only child is an attractive woman who can drink like a man, so you always know you are going to be partying when she is around. She is so much fun but sometimes the liver can only take so much. Well shot after shot we went and had a blast...surprisingly enough I outdrank her. She has appeared to slow down a bit in her old age, hehehe.
The next morning I woke up and we went to the beach which was so relaxing but I got burned around my tits and ass and that is it. Are the sun gods playing a joke on me...not only is my bra killing me but itching your boobs and underwire every two second does not appear to help me move forward in my career, hehe!

New rule

I think there should be a new rule for cohabitating and or married couples. Both parties must get up at the same time. I do not care about when you go to bed but waking up and seeing you sound asleep rolling over into the middle of the bed while I fumble around, exhausted, and jealous I am not in there with you is to much to handle. How can I allow the corporate monster to dictate my ability to lay next to a hot guy and cuddle. FUCK the real job and insurance...FUCK IT! End of rant.

Mortgage papers bring us closer together.

After 50 million papers and my wrist almost falling off, S. and I finally completed the mortgage application. The lady who is are mortgage officer was very informative and nice but her name is Marnie.? Marnie, what kind of name is that? Is that a mixture between irish and shit talk? Oh well besides that the application is done and 350 dollars was given for the assesment. Its so funny how many fee's start coming up and even more funny is how S. is starting to sound more and more like his and my father. How all these fee's are just another way for the government to strong arm us, etc. Uhhhhh did my father come and morph into your body because if he did I need to puke since i have been having sex with my dad!

Different weekend

Hmm lets see this weekend was fun and different. First off let me tell you I went out on friday with my girlfriends but have you ever been brought out with a friend due to vengenge? Let me explain Hair stylist was fighting with her husband so we went out for a drink around 4pm. She wanted to vent which is great but apparently her husband was mad and decided to make plans to go out just to piss his wife off. So then my girlfriend wants to go out even more to prove a point or something. So basically S. and I are being pulled in opposite positions because our friends who are supposed to be upset decide to act like pubescent little children. But on the bright side i got to hang out with my two girlfriends in my old watering holes. I have not been to those bars in a while (used to go all the time when I lived near there) . The nice thing is by the time I got home my man was naked and passed out.
Well after a few more drinks and debating with a McDonald worker (how can you not have a fucking chesseburger, YOU ARE MCDONALDS!) at 1am in the morning I get into bed and S. wakes up. He is half drunk, tired and deliriously funny. He starts asking for tacos and wants me to drive him while licking my armpit and rubbing against me (yes we have a weird sense of humor, hehe) but eventually we passed out.
Saturday afternoon I had the most amazing sex session ever. Whenever S. gets too little sleep from partying and has to go to work he comes home energized or is it delerious? Well whatever it is he ususally pounces on me and we have some hot afternoon sex! Well saturday was no exceptions. I came fucking 4 times! He was all about me, me, me, and did I mention me! I will say this S. and I have had issues (just read all the beginnning of this blog) but our sex life has never been one of them! Damn I am getting a hot shiver just thinking about it.
Sunday was the Engagement party and it was alot of fun but I think I should have ate more and drank less wine....Oh and taking a couple of hits of pot while your family is there does not make you look like a mature soon to be wife. Oh well my family knows i think it is more other people that thought that. How is it I was mature the night before but when I have an audience I can't stop drinking the wine. Mmmm red red lovely wine. I swear if I was asked to give up sex or wine (and I love both) it would definately take me a few minutes to decide.

Condo and a computer

Holy shit it has been a great couple of busy and great days. First off my new whiz bangy computer came in, WHOOOO Hooo, but it is having issues connecting to public wi-fi so I will spend today’s lunch hour at Panera and on the phone trying to figure it out.
On the relationship front S. and I are buying a condo together! I know its fucking crazy huh? I was going to do it myself but then he gave me the whole “us” and “we” speech and I broke down. I need to start letting myself become more vulnerable and open up. Guess you can’t gain anything unless you try huh? I will hopefully post pics when we are in and settled. I have to fax some shit to the mortgage company so I have to jet but once this craziness is settled I will report on the dynamic of a large Irish catholic family with 4 daughters….hmmmmm scary for m
y father isn’t it.

The Company Picnic and yeager

Well this friday was the company picnic! Which actually was nice since it was 11-4pm I did not have to wake up early. Basically it is mandatory and everyone had to either go or take a vacation day. Hmmm give up a beach day when I can sleep in anyways! FUCK Nah....so I sucked it up and went to the picnic. It started out fabulous having to wait in traffic to get to the camp ground. I kept thinking, wait is this the right way to the picnic or is there a beatles reunion concert where John Lennon came back from the dead. It took an hour to go about 5 miles. BUT low and behold at the end of it was the company manager to give me a bag and towel with our companies name on it. Ohhh thank you good sir this company towel will make me forget that i am underpaid and that the whole company is crazy. It was different to see people in regular clothing and by the looks of some of my cowoworkers they liked my short denim skirt and tank top as well. I basically hung out with Safety guy and R&D guy for the day. I then went and started to drink with two coworkers and this proceeded until the end of the night. Next year I will remember to take a flask so when I can drink. Drinking would make me forget quicker that I hate my job before a towel will.

What is it with men and doctors

Listen I understand that men are considered the physically stronger (definately not mentally, hehe) but sometimes I am amazed at how men react to being sick. Take S. he will not take anything even advil if his head felt like a screwdriver was implanted in it, but to be honest he complains alot more than when I get sick. I think I was usued to just dealing with being sick on my own. I come from a family of 4 daughters (will fill you in on family later I promise) so attention was few and far between. Don't get me wrong, I have fallen ill and S. has been wonderful but what I cannot understand is how men will do nothing to help themselves heal or the complete oposite. A great post from "The company Bitch" (love that blog, if we lived closer I am positive we would drink alot together) showed how men universally react to sickness. So when people ask me why I think men live shorter than women on average. I reply "Because they are big babies who won't go to the fucking doctor!"

New Computer should be shipping out tomorrow, WHOOO fucking hoo! I get a new whiz bangy gorgeous laptop. Now I just have to wait for it to be delivered! I realize as time goes by I have very little to no patience! Well I guess I should revise, I can wait for certain things. Wine, sex, HBO series, things of that nature. Can not wait for computers, in lines, sales, sex, food, and people who are late. Back to pretending to work and send out more resumes (time to move up and on!)

Lobsters and Fat!

It never ceases to amaze me how my weekends can be equivalent to a rollercoaster ride. Alcohol is sometimes so great but other times it is just the perfect elixir for disaster. Friday we somehow started to drink and by the end of the night I was crying to S. He actually dealt with it very well and took care of me. Saturday I cleaned, worked out and watched a movie before everyone came over to drink. I stayed relatively (you cannot expect me to say no to wine) sober and passed out until we woke up to go to a big state beach in R.I.
It was gorgeous out and very crowded. Not to sound awful but I can totally see how America is becoming an obese nation. It is one thing to be an adult and large but when I saw children between the ages of 3-10 and they were obese! I wanted to fucking smack the parents but when I would see the parents they were knowing on some friend chicken or giving some candy to their beastly children. I understand that weight is hard to keep in check but dooming your poor children before they even hit puberty. Let’s not forget how awful childhood is for most kids without adding 50-100 extra lbs. I think that is why deep down inside I have always fallen in love with thin tall guys. I want to make my children’s chance of having one less thing to worry about higher than if I get with someone with a crappy metabolism. (I know this all sounds horribly shitty but come on lets face it, everyone has body issues so adding to it makes it worse). I am not perfect but I work out 4-6 times a week and try to eat mostly healthy (not yesterday but sometimes you need to indulge).
After the beach we went to this restaurant that was a high end all you can eat buffet. For 70 dollars you can have as much lobster, prime rib, crap legs, sides, desserts as you can handle. Well S. definitely made this place loose money considering he downed 4 lobsters, 2 steaks and everything else under the sun. So overall the weekend was good and bad but I guess that is what makes life so interesting!

Can it get any better!?

Can we say shitty day (SHITTY DAY)! As I am driving home I hear this crazy noise coming from the left side front tire and realized this shitbox car needs to go to the shop. GREAT no car! How the fuck am I going to get home. I had to call my father! HA am I fifteen again. Thank god my dad is so laid back and chill (guess you have to be with 4 daughters and a wife) and came to pick me up and brought me home.
I get home and had to clean up cat shit (bad cleo, why are you making me look back in front of S.) and did some laundry. I look down and there is a letter from my gyno and as I open it up it turns out I have abnormal cells in my cervix and have to get it scrapped to make sure i do not have any cancer. WHOOOO fucking whoo. Can someone shoot me in the other foot. I did have a great sex session (bent over in front of a mirror with my wild hair and his hot body, mmmmm I need to stop touching myself at work) and a good night sleep but come on! Why does everything happen at once. WHAT THE FUCK! Oh well what is a girl to do (hmmm bottle of wine and S. dick sounds good right about now).

Holy shit I have to get out of the house I am living in...I am becoming so jaded and more and more depressed and I am starting to outwardly express it. I think the man thing is getting to me a bit too much! I don't know why I let the random comments, etc get to me but they do. I basicalyl got into a debate with S last night over stereotypes pertaining to men and women. Please do not be shocked but he was the one who was saying it is unfair to put labels on men and women. WHAT!? Roles have reversed in this fight and then we kind of made up and had sex, but I couldn't get off. This is not usually but I didn't fake it and S. got weirded out and then I felt bad. He said I seemed not into it, which I replied I was but i don't want to fake an orgasm. He said well maybe he just wasn't into it, which of course made me feel bad. Fuck I need to move out before this starts to affect my sex life. I refuse to let that happen. I have to get a good fuck today if it kills me!

A Little better

Well the insecurities have calmed a bit, not fully but a bit. I feel like I can't really blame him for the history being there because I don't know when it was looked at and I was on other websites when we were broken up and if he looked on my history it would be there. I am going to give the benefit of the doubt which in the past before all this craziness I would have done. Guess it takes time to get over and don't forget that if he is doing something I will find out eventually since S has always been a horrible liar.
ON to other news my other married coupel friends are throwing us an engagement party at the end of this month so that should be interesting and even better I AM GETTING A NEW COMPUTER. Whoo hoo my computer at work is great but alot of things are blocked that I want to access and my old laptop is about 4 years old and not connecting to the internet! SO I am using the corporate discount and this reimbersment plan so I don't have to pay anything up front. Have to love the corporate world (do just enough little thigns for your drones so they will keep working and not kill themselves). I am going to be a dork and go check on its status right now.....

I hate being crazy in love...

Why am I so fucking insecure? I can feel it creeping up slowely and seeping through my veins making me jittery and nervous. I couldn't help myself and checked out the email on S. phone and there were websites on there that were problems with us in the past. Now I don't know how long ago it was since there are no time stamps and I don't want to jump down his throught since I was on websites when we were broken up as well and I am getting them unsubscribed all the time. I feel so fucking crazy sometimes and don't know how to handle it. I find myself reviterting to a pathetic female that I hate and despise. Don't say anything because it may be wrong and you could push him away, things are so good, pick your battles. What the fuck I don't know what to do? I love him but his past mistakes make it so hard for me and plus lets not forget that women never fucking forget. We may forgive but we never ever FORGET. I wish I could. Sometimes I wish I could be like Kate Winslet from that "Spotless eternal mind suinshine" movie. Just erase bad memories or S all together. I feel like he loves me and he is being faithful but my insecurities are driving me insane. I am going to have to stay away from booze and let this thought sink for a bit until I either realize I am crazy or I need to bring it up. This man somehow (not even knowing) makes me so crazy. Somedays in a good way and others in a shitty way. We had such an amazing love session and as I lay down I almost wanted to cry (I didn't) because I love him so much that it hurts to think he doesn't love me the same. Is too much love and passion good for a person. We have been together for about 4 and a half years and I still am crazy about him. I worry that he will fuck me over, I worry that I will push him away, I am afraid that I am wasting my time on him, but at the same time I am worried that I could walk away from this man whom I love more than myself. God why is this man so important to me, has the shit he pulled inadvertantly made me a pathetic girl or am I just in love and realizing that a real lasting relationship is hard and comes with trials. When is too much too much? I don't even know if i should give him the benefit of the doubt or just assume he fucked up? What is easier? Fuck I need to do some work and stop harping like I always fucking do....

Free drinks leads to a broken toe..

Blurry Flashes of Saturday night include:

1. Free drinks from a bartender who has a crush on me (this is not good since I have absolutely no fucking control.)
2. Dancing alot in stilletto's
3. Falling down a flight of stairs at the bar.
4. Not being allowed into the second bar because I was so drunk
5. Puking on the side of my friends house
6. Walking home barefoot

Results the next day to my crazy drunken night

1. ciggerette burn on leg
2. huge scrap on knee cap
3. broken toe
4. horrible hang over

Apparently for me massive amounts of drinks equals a good time but not without the drunken scars to prove it.

The answer to no sleep

I was completely exhausted yesterday after little sleep on tuesday (thunderstorms still get to me) and then I went to a kick ass cardio and abs class. So as I walk in the door I was not my normal peppy self but more quiet and sullen due to the jello I called my muscles and brain. S. was a little concerned and went into sweet mode and decieded I need to go out for dinner and a few margarita's. It was very nice and then back home we went where the games were on. I lasted about a half an hour and I got up and went to bed. Now S. knows if you want some you have a 20 minute window from after that moment if we are going to bed at different times. No matter how tired or sick I will never withold sex from him (God for bid he did it to me) but he did not make it in so I passed out. ALLLLLLLLLLLL night I tossed and turned, woke up every two hours. IT FUCKING SUCKED and I am sure it sucked for S as well since i kept him up with my body flailings. As I wake up in a daze I apoligized to S for my shenanigans.

Me: I am so sorry if you didn't sleep well last night
S. You were definately moving around but its ok
Me: I don't know what the hell my problem is, I even went to bed early. What the fuck?
S. I know why you didn't sleep well!
Me: Oh really why is that?
S. Because we didn't have sex...(with a grin)
Me: Hmmmmm that definately could be it, guess that can't happen again can it because I need to sleep.
S. I love your thinking. Anything where I can help you sleep better i am on board.

NOTE: This theory of S. could be true since an journal article has linked lack of sperm to depression (which includes symptoms of sleeplessness).

Back to normal...

So with summer as most people are my schedule is fucked up! So many parties, BBQ's, weddings, drinking, beach, etc. You get the idea hence I have no set schedule...but I am taking it back goddammit! I am going to make my life bornig and border loser if it takes everything I have. I want to go back to laundry, cleaning, and the gym! I want to get up go to work, go to the gym, clean, eat dinner, watch TV and thenhave great sex a ciggerette and pass out next to S. Hmmm what the fuck is wrong with me! Before I wanted a life, now i have it and I want no life, hehe! Uhhhhh can we say I am totally a gemini!

Beach Bodies!

Ahhh the beach is definitely a better place to be on a Thursday than the confines of a cubicle. As I lay on the beach drinking a Smirnoff Mojito (very sweet but that’s ok since it was 10:30am in the morning) and looked out over the surf at all different people of all sizes and cultures. My eyes caught the back of a female with what I think is the perfect body. She had a lime green triangle bikini on and as she turned slightly to the side her tan and perfect breasts made me stare in awe and jealousy. I am not gay but sometimes I look at some women’s bodies and think “damn” why can’t I have been blessed with genes like that or more time so I can go to the gym everyday for three hours. The other ladies I was with agreed with me about the perfection of this body (S. interjected that we were all fucking retarded because she had no ass or curves) until she turned her head and we all realized she was like 13-15 years old. Uhhhhhh apparently I was a body of a pre-pubescent….scary.

Always a victim

OK mid day rant..not pretty but needed for my sanity. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is people who blame everything wrong in their life on someone else.
I have a roommate (hmm first time living with a man and somehow I am living with three) who yes had a whore for a mother and a non existent mother but how come every time he loses a job, or crashes his girlfriends car (why she allows the loser to drive it after this has happened time and time again is beyond me), or generally fucks up it is always someone else fault.
My coworker (pubic chest hair man) who came in an hour and a half late started to bitch about getting yelled at. HELLO dumb ass you didn’t call and nobody really cares that it was because your son was late getting the bus. Especially not my boss who is a lesbian and has no children except her dogs (if it was because of your dog she would be more forgiving, hehe isn’t that crazy).
I guess the weird thing is my parents never believed in things like peer pressure and what not. I was responsible for my actions and that was it. My parents never fell for the “Oh it’s not mine it’s my friends weed” line. FUCK they would always assume it was mine. So I became accustomed to realizing pretty much most things I have some sort of control over (not all) and that my actions are my actions. HENCE if you get in trouble, admit it, apologize and move the fuck on. END RANT.

FUNNIEST PICTURE OF ALL TIME!

Ok this picture is so fucking funny, I can't help but piss myself. I guess this shows the kind of sick perverted humor I have (also why I am great in bed, hehe). Don't you ever just want to do this....Kick someone in the balls! Ahhh to kick someone when they deserve it with no fear of getting arrested, that would be heaven on days when I have 6 meetings.

I thought I was a slacker...

I will be honest I do not work very hard at work! There I said it, out loud for everyone to hear. BUT...this is not my fault. (well somewhat but hear me out) I work at a corporate company and the job I have makes me work with different departments one different projects. So in a nut shell anytime I work on something I get to a certain point then it is stalled because someone else on the "team" needs to do something. This of course takes forever because everyone has different "priorities" (I love how corporate jargon tries to make people sound intelligent) and sometimes I work with idiots who take forever.
When I first started working I was a young buck (well almost two years younger) and I thought oh I will work hard, be dilligent, make my way up! Hmmm, learned real quick that at this job moving too fast pisses people off. So my resolution is to be faster than most but not too fast to tick anyone else off. Seems to be working just fine and hey working with this mentality I only work about and hour a day! Isn't corporate life grand :-)

FUCKING MEN!

Can I please rant like a lunatic bitch for a minute or two! I know nobody likes a whining person but S has this ability to fucking piss me off like there is no tomorrow. Conversation goes as follows

Me: Hey Hun I might be able to get tomorrow off and meet you at the beach, if that is ok with you?
S.: Yeah no problem that sounds good, how are you getting out?
S: Switching up vacation or just calling out?
Me: Switching up days it looks like it is going to be rainy on Monday so if it isn’t a problem could you just give me the address so I can map quest it?
S: Don’t have that as soon as I get the address I will get it to you?
Me: Cool hopefully I will get the ok from my boss for tomorrow or I am going to take Thursday off?
S: Thursday, why are you going to take Thursday off?
Me: Well if I can get tomorrow off it will be cool if not Thursday is going to be sunny too?
S: Whatever go hang out with MAC girl….
He hangs up on me!

What the fuck, you are hanging up on me because of why? I don’t know what day I can get off? I have never been hung up on like that for any reason! I wasn’t yelling, pissed off or anything. All of a sudden he is mad because I made plans tonight after he told me he was going out! What the fuck? He is going out with Frank to his Boss’s house in a little ritzy beach town. His mid life crisis well off boss will pay for everything and show them a good time. Now let’s be honest, they will probably get really drunk and either hit on girls (the boss is single) or go to the strip club. I don’t care but of course Stylist does so I am sure this is not being mentioned. Or I could be paranoid due to the previous post, but basically I don’t want to sit home while he goes out and hang with the guys while I sit home like a good little fucking housewife. I am tired of the guys getting to go out to strip clubs, etc while my only fun is supposed to be shopping or my nails. FUCK that I am not going tomorrow and going to the beach with my friend Jew friend. I tried to find a male review to find some hot eye candy for myself but they all seem to be further away then I would like them to be. She may be a cheap but she is fun, loves to flirt with guys, and get free drinks. Plus she wouldn’t rat me out for the same. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I don’t know how I let this man irritate me so much. I know I have to pick my battles and it is not that big of a deal but what the fuck! Want to punch him in the fucking balls right now!

Love and Hate

I have no idea how one person can irritate and piss you off soo much one minute than the happiest person the next. This weekend we four (I will refer in the future as the foursome which includes S., I and our two best friends who happen to be married) went to Boston to celebrate Franks birthday. We made reservations for a really good restaurant called “radius” which was delicious but took forever.
Here is the clincher. S. is a chef and that is wonderful but he does not realize that he completely comes off as a condescending dick when it comes to food and wine. I apparently have no “palate”. Know what “go fuck yourself”! This coming from a guy who will eat old milk or food with a little bit of mold on it. Do not get me wrong, I know he has years and years of experience with food and wine but I am not a complete fucking retard either.
So over dinner I was getting more and more pissed off but just kept it to myself. So at one point I went to go for a smoke (dinner was over three and a half hours) and S. followed me. On a side note my sister (her and her husband joined us as well) made some snide comment that we must be having sex in the bathroom (yeah right) because once years ago we had sex in their bathroom (so sue me I enjoy sex with my partner maybe she should try it).
He comes out and then begins showering me with compliments and soon enough I am not pissed but elated. So how does this work, am I that easy to calm, or am I picking my battles.
Sometimes I watch Frank and Hairstylist and I am amazed at how she treats him. She pretty much berates him, and is a snot and he just takes it. Is that how married life will be? I pray to god that I never become like that…although maybe S is just being like Hairstylist and I am like Frank taking it up the ass?

Friday

Some good things for this Friday:
I can breathe through at least one nostril.
I woke up from a dream where I wanted to kill S. but when I awoke he had his hand in mine (corny but nice).
It’s Friday so I don’t have to work tomorrow
Pathetic co-worker with the pubic chest hair had a half day so I do not have to avert my eyes anymore.
Going to Boston tomorrow with S, Frank, and Hairstylist.
Some bad things about this Friday:
I still can’t breathe out of the other nostril and somehow it moves from one side to the other. Does my snot have a brain is it moving around inside my head.
In the dream S was puking and drunk out of his mind and I could not get him to move…reminds me of old times.
My pants are getting tight…with being sick, BBQ’s, Birthdays, etc I have not been going to the gym basically at all.
I want to fall asleep sooo bad right now.

Last two days..

Let's see I felt like shit on monday, and tuesday...started to feel better on wednesday (which I had a vacation day) but of course I partied a bit and have gone straight back to feeling like shit. Since I was out of tuesday and wednesday I have no choice but to come to work and get this stupid project done. I guess it is nice that tomorrow is friday and I had a great talk with S. last night about us, marriage, divorce, etc. Sometimes partying can lead to more than fights and problems. Well this weekend should be lots of fun, off to Boston to celebrate our mutual friends birthday. Going to be an expensive weekend which is no surprise with these two. Don't get me wrong I know it will be fun but I need to save. GOD DAMMIT! Fuck saving is alot harder than I thought. How is it I am making more than I ever did in college yet I have nothing monetary to show for it?

Feel like shit!

Ok so I feel like shit...my nose is raw as fuck from sneezing and wiping my nose. My eyes keep watering due to the sneezing so it appears to be a visious cycle. What i love the most is that I always have really big hot projects when I am either sick or about to go on vacation. Apparently i have both, since I took this wednesday off and i feel like shit. I do not have allergies, hmm maybe it was from all the partying I did this weekend. Dammit, I miss being able to go on three day party benders and not feel it. FUCK getting older!

Guilt

I know i shouldn't but I feel guilty! Guilty that I got S back and I want MAC girl to have the same. Not per se with her asshole ex (whom she is still talking to) but with a nice guy. I sometimes wish she was a little more willing to get herself out there. I forced myself to date before S and I got back together. She is more reserved (fun as hell with me) but not with men. So she came over last night (with a bottle of great organic wine) and we just hung out and watched TV. It was good to see her and she got semi excited about a tattoo boy but I wish she would put herself out there a bit more. So we are going out tonight which should be fun (I really shouldn't spend the money) since we always have a blast. I need to watch my intake because i am doing lunch with Mamma dukes, but who am I kidding I am going to get shitfaced. I guess I just feel bad because she is still hurting and I never want to see my friends that way. Say a prayer she meets the man of her dreams tonight.

Shower is a vessel for enlightenment.

So apparently I am able to reach heights of new enlightenment while I am in the disgusting shower (I have tried and tried to scrub this tub but years of men living there have made it impossible) washing my body. Earlier in the night S and I were just relaxing in the heat watching Top Chef (I love that show) and somehow we started discussing MYSPACE. I had mentioned how I do not understand why men and women try to email people who are in relationships (with sexual intention) and he chuckled in a surprised, I can’t believe you laugh. I cocked my head and replied “What, what was that laugh for?” After a little prodding he replied “You have no idea how easy it is for women? You have all the choices in the world, approached all the time, etc.” First off I wanted to reply “YEAH you better remember that!” which would have been inappropriate and not called for but instead I replied “Hmm never thought about it?” This comment got my brain flowing with thoughts and ideas (doesn’t happen much but watch out when it does) and I went to take a shower. As I was washing myself with antibacterial soup and generic salon grade shampoo and conditioner I started thinking. Men have a much difficult time getting attention, ass, or even a relationship with women (unless you are a superstar or something) while women get approached and seem to have a plethora of options (if you are anywhere close to attractive and are a bit outgoing). YET….women only want one man to be her mate and love while men want tons of women (at least in their fantasies) to fuck. So I guess it goes that you always want what you can’t have. Men will never change the need for diversity (don’t take this the wrong way not every man is a cheater but every man thinks about other women) and women will always dream of that one soul mate bullshit. Why do humans always think the grass is greener on the other side? Can’t we just be happy with what is in front of us?
On another note I applied for a different job that would fit my personality a little more and is about 15 thousand dollars more a year (but that isn’t the real reason I want it….YEAH RIGHT!) Hopefully the slow HR will call me sometime before I turn 50.

New company name = nothing for me

Sometimes I laugh at how a professional work place can make me feel like I am in middle school or high school again. First we have jean fridays, hehe! Can you believe that! We have the ability to wear jeans on fridays...THANK you oh wonderful corporate company gods for reminding me that the rest of the week sucks having to wear uptight and boring clothes (well not always boring but not the same as a cute short skirt and flip flops). Yesterday we had to go to this showing of the new company name and shit. Falshback to highschool when my boss comes in and says "It's mandatory to go to this event...UNDERSTAND!" ahhhh ok will i be sent to the principles office if I don't. So we get hearded like cattle on these buses to the event and wait for fucking ever (not that I do much productive work during the day anyways, but...) and then watch how they have this new plan and name. Corporate identity, globalization, bigger market, blah blah blah. The only highlight of this stupid shit was the question and answer portion began. A woman (whom I will give a hearty handshake to if i come in contact with her) stood up and asked " So after all is said and done and all these GREAT changes are made...what do we get out of it?" TOUCHE and right on sista!
On a different note things with S and I are going great...inlcuding this amazing peach crisp he made for me last night and an amazing sex session.

Anal sex is sometimes needed!

Sometimes Anal sex isn't so bad....like that night. I sometimes want to be that dirty slut pron star and to be honest if you can let yourself go (which is why most women don't like it, tense =pain) you can get off. I got off sooooo good last night! What can I say sometimes its just better in the pooper!

Hmmm sometimes anal sex if not that bad, wink wink....

I had a great weekend and a lot of fun…although I somehow became known as the “shed girl” this weekend. Friday at work sucked considering I did no work and it dragged out to the point where suicide seemed fun. Didn’t do much that night but Saturday I went to the gym (need to get my fat ass back in gear having a man who likes big asses is good but bad at the same time) and then to my friend Hairstylist parents house for their annual July 4th party. Every year it is bigger and better (open bar, twenty foot tiki bar, DJ, decorations, tons of food and decorations) but honestly I still feel like I am 15 around her parents and have to watch my alcohol intake. I was designated driver as well so I only had two margarita’s (pretty sure they were watered down too) and S. showed up after work. Well he got a little tipsy and went to pee behind the shed. Well I went to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid and when we walked out together all of a sudden Ed (hairstylist dad) was joking about what we were doing behind the shed? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink! What!! yeah right not there and not with family around (I can be a fun fuck but not a family and friends around fuck)…but everyone got a good laugh. So somehow I went from respectable engineer to trashy shed whore…..guess it could have been worse. Could have been trashy garbage pail girl?!

Too much testosterone...

Goddammit I can't take it any fucking more. I work with men, live with three guys and can't deal with all the testosterone. I swear it is getting me fucking depressed. Overall jist from all men is tits and ass, never will have ability to be faithful and after 35 you are fucked. I get that men think about sex all the time, but is every female in the world doomed and why is it all these men want it to be okay for themselves to fuck around but the girl isn't allowed to or she is a whore? How is this thinking possible or even logical. Don't get me wrong I love my guy friends and in certain aspects it is great to get insite into the male mind (it has saved me from alot of assholes) but for fuck's sake how much can I listen too...I feel like if I was with all women all the time I would feel the same. I think I need to go off and do my own shit for a while. I wonder how it would be if I hung out with hermaphodites? Would I get tired of both the pussy and the dick?

A calm 4th of July`

Well that was a weird fourth of July since it was in the middle of the week. I kept it calm and went over to S. friends who are so italian it is scary. Now don't get me wrong i have nothing against italians but if I have to say "no thank you" to another helping of food (I had two already) I am going to take one of those sausage links and shove it up their asses. Hmm only good thing is that tacky divorce coworker is off the next two days! Whoo hoo. Oh and on another note...I had the sexiest dream about safety guy. WIERD!

Secret Sleeping spot

I have a secret sleeping spot at work...I pretend to take paperwork with my and trek up to the second floor to a corner tiny cave like meeting room that actually has a lock on it. So I take a chair push it into the corner where you cannot see into through the door and relax with my cell phone in hand to set an alarm....I will most likely get caught at some point and fired but until then I am up to take a nap! I will be back from this and post more.
Sincerely,
Lethargic lazy corporate slave