My masterbation dilemma

SO I am here at 1:30 am alone after masturbating to some Scottish porn. OK not trying to get to crazy but I am sort of pissed off and a little upset. I don't know what is wrong with me and sometimes S. See the major problem I know is me and sometimes I feel like a guy who is in a girls body.

Don't take that the wrong way I don't want to be a man, but I think my view of sex is sometimes distorted or at least I feel that way due to the numerous women I know in my life and how they view it.

I have tons of friend who are married, living with their man, or been in long term relationships and all of them are ok with sex every once in a while and when I say once in a while I mean probably could go for months.

I on the other hand want it all the time...I would say I want it everyday or close to it. Here is when I think I am like a man. I feel like I am the one always initiatating sex. Since we have moved in together since October S and I have sex but not as much. I feel like a guy who was duped. Don't get me wrong he doesn't turn me down and I know we have been together for five years but come on....why can't you act like I am a sex goddess and you want to fuck me like you did the first couple of years.

I feel like sex is a barometer but also (which this is the fucked up part) I validate myself and this relationship by how much he wants to have sex, make love, or fuck me. (See I apparently have a invisible dick).

SO tonight I come home after having a nice dinner with my dinner and S and I watch some TV and he gets up and says I am going to bed. I finish my cigarette and go to walk into the bedroom and he is all in bed not in bed like I want to fuck you but I am in bed and want to sleep. I walk in and say:

"Hey don't go to bed"

He replies: What's wrong..

Me: Is everything ok, do we not fuck as much because we live together?

S.: Of course not we have sex like 4-5 times a week

Me: Uhhh we only had sex like twice this week?

S.: No Honey I still think you are sexy?

Me: I know I just feel like I am always inititating, I want you to want me too.

S. I do want you, what is the problem...

Me: I'm sorry I just feel like sex is a barometer

S.: It is and I think we are great

Me: OH ok hun

Me thinking: FUCK me right now, I am naked next to you telling you I want to have more sex

Him and what he does: rolls over and goes to bed after giving me a kiss

Back to now: OK I understand sex shouldn't be everything but COME ON! Don't most men complain about their wives not wanting to have sex! I know he watched porn and I know, I know..... we do have sex more than most people I guess.

Maybe I am just insecure....maybe scared. Is it too much to ask for him to want to fuck me like he did when we first met? Probably....so what do I do?

Go outside in the living room while he is sleeping and look up some Scottish porn and masturbate. Yes you heard right masturbate when I have an able body man in the next room.

I pause to sip my glass and think how crazy is this! We aren't even married and have kids? Isn't that when it is supposed to ch age, fall beside the waist line...since your kids are number one and sleep sounds more sexual than sex? Jeeeeez I love S so much and when we do have sex it is fabulous. Truth be told he is the best lay I have ever had, but sometimes I want him to want me more. God I do sound like a needy girl so I guess that changes my perception on feeling like a man.

Plus I am leaving in three days for like four weeks for training. Gotta love that then when I get back three weeks later is our wedding. I have no fear in marrying him I just wish I didn't want sex so much. Wish I was like my girlfriends and just didn't care. Wish I could go without...wish I didn't have to use porn when a hot sexy man is in the other room. DAMN I am going to go back to my wine, have a cigarette and then crawl into bed with a hot sexy man who didn't want to fuck me tonight.

The question is....am I just being insecure or crazy?

Holy shit I have to get out of the house I am living in...I am becoming so jaded and more and more depressed and I am starting to outwardly express it. I think the man thing is getting to me a bit too much! I don't know why I let the random comments, etc get to me but they do. I basicalyl got into a debate with S last night over stereotypes pertaining to men and women. Please do not be shocked but he was the one who was saying it is unfair to put labels on men and women. WHAT!? Roles have reversed in this fight and then we kind of made up and had sex, but I couldn't get off. This is not usually but I didn't fake it and S. got weirded out and then I felt bad. He said I seemed not into it, which I replied I was but i don't want to fake an orgasm. He said well maybe he just wasn't into it, which of course made me feel bad. Fuck I need to move out before this starts to affect my sex life. I refuse to let that happen. I have to get a good fuck today if it kills me!

FUCKING MEN!

Can I please rant like a lunatic bitch for a minute or two! I know nobody likes a whining person but S has this ability to fucking piss me off like there is no tomorrow. Conversation goes as follows

Me: Hey Hun I might be able to get tomorrow off and meet you at the beach, if that is ok with you?
S.: Yeah no problem that sounds good, how are you getting out?
S: Switching up vacation or just calling out?
Me: Switching up days it looks like it is going to be rainy on Monday so if it isn’t a problem could you just give me the address so I can map quest it?
S: Don’t have that as soon as I get the address I will get it to you?
Me: Cool hopefully I will get the ok from my boss for tomorrow or I am going to take Thursday off?
S: Thursday, why are you going to take Thursday off?
Me: Well if I can get tomorrow off it will be cool if not Thursday is going to be sunny too?
S: Whatever go hang out with MAC girl….
He hangs up on me!

What the fuck, you are hanging up on me because of why? I don’t know what day I can get off? I have never been hung up on like that for any reason! I wasn’t yelling, pissed off or anything. All of a sudden he is mad because I made plans tonight after he told me he was going out! What the fuck? He is going out with Frank to his Boss’s house in a little ritzy beach town. His mid life crisis well off boss will pay for everything and show them a good time. Now let’s be honest, they will probably get really drunk and either hit on girls (the boss is single) or go to the strip club. I don’t care but of course Stylist does so I am sure this is not being mentioned. Or I could be paranoid due to the previous post, but basically I don’t want to sit home while he goes out and hang with the guys while I sit home like a good little fucking housewife. I am tired of the guys getting to go out to strip clubs, etc while my only fun is supposed to be shopping or my nails. FUCK that I am not going tomorrow and going to the beach with my friend Jew friend. I tried to find a male review to find some hot eye candy for myself but they all seem to be further away then I would like them to be. She may be a cheap but she is fun, loves to flirt with guys, and get free drinks. Plus she wouldn’t rat me out for the same. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I don’t know how I let this man irritate me so much. I know I have to pick my battles and it is not that big of a deal but what the fuck! Want to punch him in the fucking balls right now!