My masterbation dilemma

SO I am here at 1:30 am alone after masturbating to some Scottish porn. OK not trying to get to crazy but I am sort of pissed off and a little upset. I don't know what is wrong with me and sometimes S. See the major problem I know is me and sometimes I feel like a guy who is in a girls body.

Don't take that the wrong way I don't want to be a man, but I think my view of sex is sometimes distorted or at least I feel that way due to the numerous women I know in my life and how they view it.

I have tons of friend who are married, living with their man, or been in long term relationships and all of them are ok with sex every once in a while and when I say once in a while I mean probably could go for months.

I on the other hand want it all the time...I would say I want it everyday or close to it. Here is when I think I am like a man. I feel like I am the one always initiatating sex. Since we have moved in together since October S and I have sex but not as much. I feel like a guy who was duped. Don't get me wrong he doesn't turn me down and I know we have been together for five years but come on....why can't you act like I am a sex goddess and you want to fuck me like you did the first couple of years.

I feel like sex is a barometer but also (which this is the fucked up part) I validate myself and this relationship by how much he wants to have sex, make love, or fuck me. (See I apparently have a invisible dick).

SO tonight I come home after having a nice dinner with my dinner and S and I watch some TV and he gets up and says I am going to bed. I finish my cigarette and go to walk into the bedroom and he is all in bed not in bed like I want to fuck you but I am in bed and want to sleep. I walk in and say:

"Hey don't go to bed"

He replies: What's wrong..

Me: Is everything ok, do we not fuck as much because we live together?

S.: Of course not we have sex like 4-5 times a week

Me: Uhhh we only had sex like twice this week?

S.: No Honey I still think you are sexy?

Me: I know I just feel like I am always inititating, I want you to want me too.

S. I do want you, what is the problem...

Me: I'm sorry I just feel like sex is a barometer

S.: It is and I think we are great

Me: OH ok hun

Me thinking: FUCK me right now, I am naked next to you telling you I want to have more sex

Him and what he does: rolls over and goes to bed after giving me a kiss

Back to now: OK I understand sex shouldn't be everything but COME ON! Don't most men complain about their wives not wanting to have sex! I know he watched porn and I know, I know..... we do have sex more than most people I guess.

Maybe I am just insecure....maybe scared. Is it too much to ask for him to want to fuck me like he did when we first met? Probably....so what do I do?

Go outside in the living room while he is sleeping and look up some Scottish porn and masturbate. Yes you heard right masturbate when I have an able body man in the next room.

I pause to sip my glass and think how crazy is this! We aren't even married and have kids? Isn't that when it is supposed to ch age, fall beside the waist line...since your kids are number one and sleep sounds more sexual than sex? Jeeeeez I love S so much and when we do have sex it is fabulous. Truth be told he is the best lay I have ever had, but sometimes I want him to want me more. God I do sound like a needy girl so I guess that changes my perception on feeling like a man.

Plus I am leaving in three days for like four weeks for training. Gotta love that then when I get back three weeks later is our wedding. I have no fear in marrying him I just wish I didn't want sex so much. Wish I was like my girlfriends and just didn't care. Wish I could go without...wish I didn't have to use porn when a hot sexy man is in the other room. DAMN I am going to go back to my wine, have a cigarette and then crawl into bed with a hot sexy man who didn't want to fuck me tonight.

The question is....am I just being insecure or crazy?

Life. What life?

Whew life has been going in full speed for me lately…and believe me the bags under my eyes show it all. Over the last two weeks I have not had more than two minutes of free time and that is taken up by showers and going to the bathroom.

Let’s see a over view of why my life is so ridiculous from a typical week of mine.

Monday: Wake up at 5:45am to go to the gym (which the doctor allows me to only swim or cycle) and then off to work for 8am. I have been working a lot harder these days, not by choice but ever since two colleagues of mine quit (smart assholes) I am next in line for big projects. I have had to actually work as opposed to writing in my blog and searching the internet. From work I drive to my class for 5:20pm. Then I teach and give a lab. I don’t get out of the lab room until 9:50pm and the commute is 45 mins home so I prance in the door about 10:45 pm. This is when I make dinner and try to catch up with my fiancé. Proceed to sex and then sleep at midnight.

Tuesday: Wake up at 6:45 am and get to work for 8pm. Then I go to the gym after work, but then I work on grading and the next lecture for class. I didn’t get to bed until 1:30 am (probably shouldn’t of had sex at 1am either but what the hell!). I couldn’t even watch Nip/Tuck with my girls which pisses me off because there is nothing than a big bottle of red, Christian troy and bitching about life with my fabulous ladies.

Wednesday: Wake up at 6:45am go to work. Horrible weather always makes me want to kill myself on my daily commute. People drive like maniacs and then wonder how they spun out of control and get into an accident. Everyone else is subjected to slow commute and then there are the assholes who don’t follow the blatant signs that state “Left lane closed two miles up due to accident” NO instead of merging those fucking assholes keep driving forward until they get to the accident, force themselves into the lanes where other intelligent people already merged with no fucking problem. I make every effort to be that bitch and not let any of them in. Seriously traffic wouldn’t be as bad if you just merged two mile back! End of that rant….hehe.



Thursday: Woke up a little late for work, but it wasn’t too crazy yesterday and I actually did nothing but exciting laundry, went to the gym (which was curiously busy for a Thursday night at 8pm), did a little grocery shopping, and then made some dinner, while cleaning the bathroom, and taking a shower. I watched a little TV (I have a love hate relationship with “Lost” the show) and passed out at 11:30pm.

Friday: I wake up to a slight snow storm (always fun since I never watch the news and always get surprised) and now I am trying to catch up with my blogging. Then after work I am going for one drink at happy hour, picking up the fiancé to attend a opera with Mamma dukes, and then going to bed sober (hopefully).

For the weekend I have to make two lectures, get my hair done (haven’t done anything to my hair in 9 months and it shows) grade some quizzes, keep working on the loads of laundry we have, study for my interview on Monday (took the day off but somehow I agreed to do it at 8:30 am even though it is 40 minutes away, WTF is wrong with me) and then go to a dinner party. Don’t get me wrong my life is fabulous but I haven’t even been able to drink at all. I seriously just realized I haven’t had a glass of wine in like 10 days! Ok, Fuck everything else for the weekend….my new goal is to buy 6 magnum bottles of wine and down them all in a 24 hour period and catch up on all my favortie blogs. The rest of life can kiss my ass because my liver and blog addiction takes precedent.




All my blogger buddies please say a prayer I kick ass in my interview…I really don’t want to have to give Blow jobs to get a job! Hehehe.

Why isn't it friday?

OHHHH why isn’t it Friday? I can’t stand this anticipation of waiting for tomorrow and more importantly the 11 days off after that! I keep thinking it is Friday only to be shot down by some dumb ass coworker celebrating that they took tomorrow off so his vacation can start early. (I hope you die) On a good note my Boss gave me a bottle of wine for a Christmas gift and I also got movie tickets, Whoo hoo. I know that sounds lame but I really wanted to go see “I am legend” (I LOVE ZOMBIE MOVIES) and/or “P.S. I love you” (I know total chick flick, so shoot me).

As for the Christmas party last night it was fun. I always feel out of place at those things only because I am a perverted, outgoing, drunk who doesn’t know when to shut up and everyone else has class or at least old enough to find other things funny in like than “dick and ass” jokes. Sometimes it is hard to relate as well because most people are married, divorced with kids, etc. I look at them with my cosmopolitan in hand and say “kids, szmidz I can’t even take care of myself, hehe”. I know this will change but for now I love my life with only a condo and fiancé to worry about (don’t piss on our fucking rug!). I actually went home kind of early since my broken foot started to feel good after the third martini and I figured this was not a good sign.

My foot is getting slowly better and the pain pills are great, except with any type of drug you start to build tolerance. When I first took two I felt like I was in heaven, now it just makes me kind of tired. So I gave a good ole call to the doctor’s receptionist to see if she could hook me up with some more….BOOO ya! I swear if you have a real injury they just don’t care. So I think I am going to save a few for new years to make the night and my foot bearable.

On the Christmas front I am almost done Christmas shopping and I have to take my younger sister out this weekend for her 21st birthday! I am so excited she is the last one out of the 4 of us to be 21. We can all officially and legally get drunk now, hehehe! I think someone is going to puke and it is not going to be me. (I need to say that over and over to myself) I am pretty sure there will be some great stories to tell on Monday. Remind me to tell you the story of my 21st birthday which included 17 shots, four mixed drinks and 4 beers. Uhhhh it was a long night that is for sure.

Back to work while I stare at my bottle of cabernet sauvignon dreaming of next week and freedom.

Great Quotes about Alcohol!

IN the spirit of all the parties that surround the Holidays I thought I would include some great quotes about Alcohol...which is my first love, hehe! Write back soon to update on the foot (percocets rule), and the wonders of corporate christmas!


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
Hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Br ian O'Rourke



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
spaz.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Salvation in a can!

~Dave Howell



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:



" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not

Save the wine!

This little bugger

plus

divided by

Equals

(P.S. this is not my foot aka I shave my legs but the swelling and blackness are dead on. My foot is like a big balck fucking sausage!)

Can you believe it! I was so embarressed! There I am at this posh party starting to walk down the stairs as I tell the group of 15 in front of me "Hey everyone I would love to PLAAYYYYAHHHHH! I swear I fell in slow motion. The dog, steps and wine all came crashing together and as I fell forward all I could think was "SAVE THE WINE!" Not save the dog, or save me but rather the really great tasting red wine I had in my hand. So I broke my foot but the dog and wine was ok (I didn't spill a drop which everyone gave me a round of applause for, hehe).

On a side note percocets with wine are the best combo ever at night!

A delicious dinner with an appetizer of job disappointment

OK, OK I am a loser….NO second interview. BOOOOOO! Dammit I really wanted that job and I thought the interview went well. Only thing that sucked was that their was only one position and like 20 applicants. Should have fucked both interviewers, maybe then I would have gotten it, hehe.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with job hunting because it is a never ending vicious cycle. You have to have experience but how do you get experience when no one hires you if you are new to the field. I had this problem out of grad school….you don’t have enough experience..Uhhh yeah I had to get that masters you wanted but apparently I was supposed to be working full time as well. I am not too depressed just more bummed. I learned right out of graduate school how to not get myself stressed over lost jobs, just keep truckin. (What the hell did I just say truckin…must be influences from going to school in PA)

Only saving grace last night was S. he made the most amazing dinner last night since we had another couple over last night. Very adult party with appetizers, wine and discussion. I think I can get used to this…so I thought I would show you how amazing S is at his current profession (sous chef).

He made a stacked, layered side which had sweet potatoes, butternut squash, sautéed peaches with a layer of gorgonzola cheese on top. (So fucking good I almost had an orgasm at the table. He prepared rack of lamb with a fig chutney sauce on the side which he cooked perfectly. S is so great at presentation and I love receiving it. I am not a horrible cook but S. definitely kicks my ass in the kitchen and he always makes my coworkers green with envy when I bring leftovers to work.


See the layered side, you have no idea how fucking delicious it was!


I think my new favorite meat is lamb (luckily he gets it for free or cheap because apparently the rack he bought would have cost us 90 DOLLARS, crazy why would any meat cost that much, who know but I love it.

Back to the job search and pretending to enjoy my job.

Retarded Friday!

Hahahaha! I just realized it is Friday, Hahaha, all day I thought it was thursday until the Janitor said "almost time for the weekend!" My reaction "Huh" As a wave of confusion, disbelief and then happiness came rushing over me. Big glass of wine....HERE I COME and fuck this crazy place.

P.S. I got a 4% raise, hmmm they act like I should be grateful. Uhhh isn't that less than the normal rate of inflation? Well at least it is friday!

Old friends does not always mean good friends.

Ever have that friend that sometimes you think “Why am I friends with this girl?” Well Drama girl is that for me. Let me give you a little background on her first before I rant about last night’s drama.

Drama girl and I became friends in high school. We both went to a all girl private school and she was a year ahead of me. Maybe I should have realized how we became friends that Drama girl was all about drama.

I was sitting in Latin class with my friend School teacher and we were talking in class. I was telling a funny story about a date or something trivial when the teacher started yelling at me for talking. I sulked and kept quiet when out of nowhere a blond hair girl started yelling at the teacher to shut up and let me finish the story. To a teacher she yelled this. I turned around in disbelief as Drama girl got sent to the principals. We were friends ever since then. Drama girl was rough around the edges and so was I but I was an over achiever at school. Involved in everything from sports, NHS, musicals, art club, you name it I was involved in it. Drama girl was known around the school as a troubled girl who was trying everything and anything to get thrown out of school because she wanted to be in public school. I remember the dean of students taking me into his office and having a “talk” with me to examine whether being friends with Drama girl was in my best interest.

Now as we all know in high school your biggest concern is a boy you like, and which friend is getting a car first. So Drama girl and I flourished as friends. She is an only child of a divorced family so we always got to stay out late and I would just lie to my parents that I was “sleeping” over Drama girls when in fact we were sneaking into clubs or hanging out with boys. She was dramatic at times but when you are that young everything seems to be that way. She would cry about some boy and I would clean her up over and over again. She would listen as I lamented about not having big enough boobs to get Johnny’s attention, etc. For a while High school teacher and I got her to realize the world does not always revolve around her and things were good.

College came and I went away to PA for college while most of my friends went to state schools. I stayed in contact with all of them, came home during summers, etc. I was a little out of the loop which was expected but I never felt ostracized or anything. Actually whenever I came home I felt like nothing had changed and my girls still loved me. Now in college I had basically no drama and not to much responsibility so I was always upbeat and able to deal with the drama. It didn’t wear away at me and I felt like a confidant that was needed. (I have my own control issues which is a completely different blog)

When I came back home to attend grad school in state I was excited to be with my girls again (Drama girl, High school teacher, MAC girl, Hairstylist). I came back and we had a great year of partying and fun, but Drama girl was bartending and partying a lot so she had a second group of work friends so it was a perfect balance of time spent with her. Right around this time though Drama girl decided she was going to move down to FL since she went to school in she never went away and that it would be good for her to be on her own (she never moved out of her house while attending college). I was happy for her but knew I would miss her. All aside I do love Drama girl and she can be fun, smart and a good friend when she is not drunk or fucked up, I digress.

So for the next 3-4 years she was down in FL and we would do the catch up calls and visits, etc. but for the most part since there was little time to spend there was little time for drama.

Well fast forward to today….Drama girl moved back and brought her man with him. She has been home only about 2 weeks and has already gotten so smashed and proceeded to tell all of us girls what bad people we are. Last night the guys got together of my place to watch the game and all the ladies went over to Hairstylist place for a girls night. She was so drunk and a nasty drunk at that. Last night I wanted to murder her. She brought up an issue she had with something I said; now even though she was drunk I could understand where she was coming from and I apologized. I am not perfect, I fuck up, I am flawed, it happens but she kept harping on it. UHHHH hello I just fucking agreed with you and apologized. What the hell am I supposed to do; I can’t go back in time and change it. Fine then she starts to tell me I am a bitter person and it is all due to S. and the biggest mistake of my life is to marry him. Ahhh OK you have your right to your opinion but in the end it is my decision. Fine after listening to her slur and cry, laugh, and make no sense I got her back in.

The girls are more and more irritated with her since last night we all wanted a fun girl’s night with wine and Drama girl was being a nasty horrible drunk. She would tell my girl Hairstylist to fuck off and think we were giving her looks, etc. WHAT! Are we still in high school?

So she starts bitching about wanting to go over to my place to be with her man. OK I will bring you back there but I am coming back to the girls’ house to hang out. I bring her drunken ass over and drop her off when she asks why I am leaving? I just told you I was and she was getting mad. At this point I am like fine, be mad I don’t fucking care. I told the guys have fun and went back to the girls’ house.

All the ladies are mad and irritated at Drama girl ruining the night and we continued to hang and drink wine while trying to salvage some part of the evening. About an hour later the guys came home so I went back to my condo and I asked S. how the rest of the night was with Drama girl was. He continued to tell me how Drama girl wanted to talk to him and she went on and on about how happy she was for me and him. How we are perfect for each other and how we are going to be so happy. FUCK THAT….you are so hypocritical it makes me want to puke. I got so fucking heated. She was yelling at me for something of the similar nature and then you go on and on for an hour telling S. the complete opposite. Fucking Christ I can’t handle her and all this shit. I do not have the stamina and truth be told….we all have enough bullshit in our lives with family, relationships and work to have a person who is supposed to be my friend act this way.

So I ask myself why am I friends with her…I know we have been friends forever and she is good in a lot of ways but maybe I am changing or she isn’t? I don’t have the ability to deal with the constant drama day in and day out like I could when I was younger. She told me I was getting bitter and maybe I am a bit. I don’t know if it is bitter as more…I am not taking shit anymore so don’t think you can spoon your crazy off on me anymore. So I am not the QLC girl who would just smile, and bend over and take it. Not anymore and I am tired of over extending myself as well. So I have changed and if she considers it bitter I guess I am. I say it proud too because I have had a lot less emotional distress because of it.

I am very irritated and I am sure Drama girl and I will continue to be friends (it’s been like ten years) but sometimes with anyone you love, you just don’t like them very much right now.

New found openness with the rents.

This last Sunday I had my parents over for dinner which I totally realized that now that I am an “Adult” that they are fucking hilarious. Now I have always been close with my mom. Strangely close since I was about sixteen, now the reason I say strangely is because most teenager girls were at war with their mothers around this age and felt that their mother did not understand them. My mother on the other hand was somehow able to make me feel like she understood and at the same time she was still a disciplinarian. Now this should not be to surprising since she was a hippy who went to Woodstock (fucking crazy HUH) and she also got thrown out of her house when her parents found out she was sleeping with her long term first love (scandalous back then). So she understands that children make mistakes and that usually talking to them works better with the punishment at hand. Plus I always felt like she remembered how is was to be younger whereas most other parents forget.

So back to the topic at hand, after a wonderful dinner (S. of course whipped up a delicious chicken and Spanish rice dinner) and a couple of bottles of wine you can see my parents letting go more and more. They are dropping F bombs and generally being hilarious. Although the moment I knew it all changed and for the best was when my dad started talking about the human population and its lack of knowledge about politics.

He stood up and said “I always thought of the United States population in one big circle butt fuck. They are fucking each other and getting fucked!” as he demonstrates with a thrusting pelvis.

That is the moment I knew my parents saw me as a friend and not only a daughter. Hehe, the question is what more is going to come from this new found openness….orgies that relate to medicare?

Can it get any better!?

Can we say shitty day (SHITTY DAY)! As I am driving home I hear this crazy noise coming from the left side front tire and realized this shitbox car needs to go to the shop. GREAT no car! How the fuck am I going to get home. I had to call my father! HA am I fifteen again. Thank god my dad is so laid back and chill (guess you have to be with 4 daughters and a wife) and came to pick me up and brought me home.
I get home and had to clean up cat shit (bad cleo, why are you making me look back in front of S.) and did some laundry. I look down and there is a letter from my gyno and as I open it up it turns out I have abnormal cells in my cervix and have to get it scrapped to make sure i do not have any cancer. WHOOOO fucking whoo. Can someone shoot me in the other foot. I did have a great sex session (bent over in front of a mirror with my wild hair and his hot body, mmmmm I need to stop touching myself at work) and a good night sleep but come on! Why does everything happen at once. WHAT THE FUCK! Oh well what is a girl to do (hmmm bottle of wine and S. dick sounds good right about now).