Friday, December 21, 2007

Happy Holidays!

Hey everyone I just wanted to say have a Happy Holiday and drinks lots for me. I have the next 11 days off so I may not be able to blog since I don't blog from home. I really want to stay anonylmous if possible and history is a bitch on the computer. If I can I will update but if not I am sure i will have tons of stories when I get back. Merry Christmas, Happy Haunekha, and Happy Kwanza!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Why isn't it friday?

OHHHH why isn’t it Friday? I can’t stand this anticipation of waiting for tomorrow and more importantly the 11 days off after that! I keep thinking it is Friday only to be shot down by some dumb ass coworker celebrating that they took tomorrow off so his vacation can start early. (I hope you die) On a good note my Boss gave me a bottle of wine for a Christmas gift and I also got movie tickets, Whoo hoo. I know that sounds lame but I really wanted to go see “I am legend” (I LOVE ZOMBIE MOVIES) and/or “P.S. I love you” (I know total chick flick, so shoot me).

As for the Christmas party last night it was fun. I always feel out of place at those things only because I am a perverted, outgoing, drunk who doesn’t know when to shut up and everyone else has class or at least old enough to find other things funny in like than “dick and ass” jokes. Sometimes it is hard to relate as well because most people are married, divorced with kids, etc. I look at them with my cosmopolitan in hand and say “kids, szmidz I can’t even take care of myself, hehe”. I know this will change but for now I love my life with only a condo and fiancé to worry about (don’t piss on our fucking rug!). I actually went home kind of early since my broken foot started to feel good after the third martini and I figured this was not a good sign.

My foot is getting slowly better and the pain pills are great, except with any type of drug you start to build tolerance. When I first took two I felt like I was in heaven, now it just makes me kind of tired. So I gave a good ole call to the doctor’s receptionist to see if she could hook me up with some more….BOOO ya! I swear if you have a real injury they just don’t care. So I think I am going to save a few for new years to make the night and my foot bearable.

On the Christmas front I am almost done Christmas shopping and I have to take my younger sister out this weekend for her 21st birthday! I am so excited she is the last one out of the 4 of us to be 21. We can all officially and legally get drunk now, hehehe! I think someone is going to puke and it is not going to be me. (I need to say that over and over to myself) I am pretty sure there will be some great stories to tell on Monday. Remind me to tell you the story of my 21st birthday which included 17 shots, four mixed drinks and 4 beers. Uhhhh it was a long night that is for sure.

Back to work while I stare at my bottle of cabernet sauvignon dreaming of next week and freedom.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Mad Pisser

I fully believe my fiancé has a sleepwalking/pissing problem that I do not know how to remedy. Every Tuesday S. usually goes out with friends for “big ass beer night” which includes bringing your own cup (any size) and draft beer for only three dollars. Sometimes I tag along and sometimes I don’t. (I love to do girlie stuff when he isn’t around like mud masks, and hair treatments)

Well last night I did not and I got a lot of Christmas wrapping done and watched Nip tuck (LOVE THAT SHOW). S. came home pretty early and he looked buzzed but not blatantly drunk or anything. We go to bed and within 20 minutes he get’s up with a groan and then gets down on both knees and almost starts to piss on a antique trunk we have in our bedroom. As I give him a good slap and drag him to the bathroom he is speaking incoherently about “2006 being sexy and retarded like I was”. He really didn’t make any sense but he did piss in the toilet (thank god).

He then proceeded to pass out on the floor in the fetal position. Granted S. looks hot naked on the bathroom floor but I know he wasn’t that drunk. Two seconds later he crawls to bed and passes out. I need to reiterate that when he came home he talked to me, wasn’t crazy drunk but basically looked like he had about 3 beers, happy but slightly tired.

I am beginning to think it is a sleepwalking problem because when S. is drunk you can tell from a mile away. He has done this before in the past 4 years but usually after massive amount of drinking. Not until the last two times did I notice it might not have anything to do with the liquor or beer. So does anyone have any idea how to stop a sleepwalking pisser?

Work News: I am attending the holiday dinner/party….MUST remember to not drink much and break other foot.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I know pronounce you Mrs. Gimp!

So first things first! I am officially teaching a college course at a community college! Extra cash for the wedding (which I ordered my dress, see below) and I get to pretend I know what the fuck I am talking about. I did it in Graduate school and was a teaching assistant but that was years ago and I was more of a slacker then. The woman who hired me seems really cool but serious about her job so I am going to have to step it up. I have a week off of work next week so I can hopefully get a lot of lesson plans done then. Hmmmm, strange to say that and think I will be molding impressionable college kids in drinking…I mean learning. I am sure I will have lots of stories from the classroom in the next semester.

I still have a broken foot, which sucks but like I said before…PERCOCETS are my friend. All you need is a pain pill and a glass of wine and TA DAH I am in heaven. S. has been amazing through all of this and really shows he loves me by doing the unthinkable. He holds my purse every where we go. You may not think this is a big deal and luckily he doesn’t either but it is interesting to see a grown hot man with a zebra print purse in his hand. I think sometimes you have to get hurt to see how much that person is capable of taking care of you and S. is doing a fabulous job! Much praise to him for cleaning out my car from snow, cooking, and pampering me…all the while telling me I am beautiful with this fucking boot and my gimp like limp. His new nickname is Hop along Cassidy which I find amusing during sex, hehe.

Well I am going to get back to work and low and behold is the following dress (except the sash will be the color of lettuce green) I will be wearing when I subject myself to a lifetime of monogamy, hehe!
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Friday, December 14, 2007

Great Quotes about Alcohol!

IN the spirit of all the parties that surround the Holidays I thought I would include some great quotes about Alcohol...which is my first love, hehe! Write back soon to update on the foot (percocets rule), and the wonders of corporate christmas!


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
Hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Br ian O'Rourke



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
spaz.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Salvation in a can!

~Dave Howell



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:



" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Save the wine!

This little bugger
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plus
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divided by
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Equals
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(P.S. this is not my foot aka I shave my legs but the swelling and blackness are dead on. My foot is like a big balck fucking sausage!)

Can you believe it! I was so embarressed! There I am at this posh party starting to walk down the stairs as I tell the group of 15 in front of me "Hey everyone I would love to PLAAYYYYAHHHHH! I swear I fell in slow motion. The dog, steps and wine all came crashing together and as I fell forward all I could think was "SAVE THE WINE!" Not save the dog, or save me but rather the really great tasting red wine I had in my hand. So I broke my foot but the dog and wine was ok (I didn't spill a drop which everyone gave me a round of applause for, hehe).

On a side note percocets with wine are the best combo ever at night!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Porn tapes, jobs, and happy hour, OH MY!

So apparently it is true that when one door closes (or gets slammed in your face leaving you bleeding all over your self with your teeth in hand) than another opens. I got an email from a friend of a friend who works for another company and might have openings. We are possibly getting together for coffee on Thursday to discuss my goals, etc.

Hmmm must dress very sexy (not slutty) for this middle aged guy in power. Have to make him want me and than dazzle him with my brains. YES I am getting desperate and will resort to using my long legs to get in the door….so shoot me.

On other fronts I am going for a happy hour today….I need to drink (honestly I am not an alcoholic). I find myself getting jealous of S. because his schedule is so lax and he can pretty much stay out as late as he can while I am stuck home because I am still trying to go to the gym in the morning before I have to be at the office at 8am. So he went out with some of our friends to the strip club and I stayed home, did laundry and watched TV. Although after a couple of glasses of wine I started to think of something sexy and creative to do for S.

Then it dawned on me……I will videotape me masturbating for his little stash of porn and slip it in. Can I tell you that I give mad props to people in the porn industry now? It was difficult to set up camera, lighting, sound, music, clothing (lack of clothing) and watch everything you do so you appear sexy. Well the first take came out ok, but not good enough so I made the second one and liked it a lot better. I just need to pick up a DVD recordable CD than slip it in his collection so one day when I am not around, BAM he will get a great video of his fiancé, dancing around, touching herself and using a vibrator….I know its not a gang bang but hey I can only do so much alone, hehehe.

P.S. on another note I emailed R&D boy to go to the happy hour and he is going. Little crushes are nice to have. Sometimes I just fantasize about what it would be like to fuck him. God I love tall, cute, geeky guys.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

A delicious dinner with an appetizer of job disappointment

OK, OK I am a loser….NO second interview. BOOOOOO! Dammit I really wanted that job and I thought the interview went well. Only thing that sucked was that their was only one position and like 20 applicants. Should have fucked both interviewers, maybe then I would have gotten it, hehe.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with job hunting because it is a never ending vicious cycle. You have to have experience but how do you get experience when no one hires you if you are new to the field. I had this problem out of grad school….you don’t have enough experience..Uhhh yeah I had to get that masters you wanted but apparently I was supposed to be working full time as well. I am not too depressed just more bummed. I learned right out of graduate school how to not get myself stressed over lost jobs, just keep truckin. (What the hell did I just say truckin…must be influences from going to school in PA)

Only saving grace last night was S. he made the most amazing dinner last night since we had another couple over last night. Very adult party with appetizers, wine and discussion. I think I can get used to this…so I thought I would show you how amazing S is at his current profession (sous chef).

He made a stacked, layered side which had sweet potatoes, butternut squash, sautéed peaches with a layer of gorgonzola cheese on top. (So fucking good I almost had an orgasm at the table. He prepared rack of lamb with a fig chutney sauce on the side which he cooked perfectly. S is so great at presentation and I love receiving it. I am not a horrible cook but S. definitely kicks my ass in the kitchen and he always makes my coworkers green with envy when I bring leftovers to work.

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See the layered side, you have no idea how fucking delicious it was!

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I think my new favorite meat is lamb (luckily he gets it for free or cheap because apparently the rack he bought would have cost us 90 DOLLARS, crazy why would any meat cost that much, who know but I love it.

Back to the job search and pretending to enjoy my job.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

So funny

Ok, I just found a hilarious blog which I think will be my new addiction. It's called "Hot chicks with Douchebags" It is to funny and sometimes I think the same things this guy does when he goes out. Only thing is sometimes I don't think the chicks he thinks are hot..are hot but he makes up with a hilarious snide remark, hehehe!

Razors are better than interviews!

So today is my interview…I am nervous but not too nervous. I am going to the “dentist” early today for the interview. I am nervous not because of the actual interview but more that I want the job so bad so I can get the hell out of here.

The main problem I have had with getting interviews is that I am basically changing careers. I would not be changing fields but my career within the field. I have been putting resume and cover letters to any and every company to try and so far I got one phone interview (decided I didn’t have enough experience) and this actual interview so I know this might be my only chance for a while. The new job would be a great start to a new year and I would get a new company care, corporate credit card, etc. The pay would be pretty much the same as I make now but I get way better bonuses each quarter if I make or exceed my goals.

As I prepare for this interview (hmm why did I chose the field of science again?) I think back to the two worst interviews of my life. Before I graduated grad school interviews had always been a breeze for me. Basically if I could get an interview I would get the job. Of course the jobs up to that point included waitress, marketing assistant, bartender and retail clerk. Not very impressive but my outgoing personality and success with such childish interviews gave me a bloated sense of confidence in the interviewing arena.

So when I got my first interview with Yale to be a research assistant I was excited and pretty much thought “hey how could they not want me?” HA believe me after this interview I could understand. I went in and the PhD dick head completely blindsided me with a chemistry test. What chemistry test on a fucking interview with no calculator? I completely froze and blanked. WORSE time ever to blank. I basically looked like a retard that couldn’t complete a math equation. He was particularly snide as he made it abundantly clear that I was an idiot. (Most PhD’s have a holier than god, I am king of the world complex) I couldn’t believe I fucked it up so much but realized it was best to have my first “real” interview go horribly wrong rather than a job I really wanted.

A couple more interviews my confidence grew. I would get further and further with a phone interview, then a first interview, but never got the job. I would prepare more and more for each new prospect. I then landed an interview for a state job with a lab and again felt prepared but not prepared enough. As I walked in I was greeted by two PhD’s who actually appeared nice and humble but after a few minutes of bullshit they brought be into a lab…to give me a practical. If you don’t know what a practical basically it is when you have to perform techniques (in my case lab techniques) with people watching and judging you. It is very intense and nerve wracking but what was worse apparently the lab had an issue with mold and had bleached the lab from top to bottom. The lab wrecked of bleach and it was so strong that paired with the stress of them watching me perform I almost PASSED out! Yup, gray in the face, short breaths, eyes in the back of the head, passed out. Do you have any idea how fucking embarrassing it is to be 24 and almost pass out. Luckily the rest of the interview went great, I even got a 90 on the timed math tes (with a calculator this time, hehe) and I really clicked with the guy who would be my boss. I actually made it to the third and final interview where I was told it was between me and one other guy. Turned out he knew more about botany than I (damn hippie, hehe JK).

In the end it turned out OK the job I have now paid about 15,000 dollars more a year and they had benefits. So today I want out of my current job but serio0usly cannot wait for the interview to be over with. Maybe I will be asked to swallow razors while saying the alphabet backwards? That truly does not seem so bad just as long as I get the fucking job! Say a prayer, sacrifice an animal, do anything so that I get this job!