Happy Holidays!

Hey everyone I just wanted to say have a Happy Holiday and drinks lots for me. I have the next 11 days off so I may not be able to blog since I don't blog from home. I really want to stay anonylmous if possible and history is a bitch on the computer. If I can I will update but if not I am sure i will have tons of stories when I get back. Merry Christmas, Happy Haunekha, and Happy Kwanza!

Why isn't it friday?

OHHHH why isn’t it Friday? I can’t stand this anticipation of waiting for tomorrow and more importantly the 11 days off after that! I keep thinking it is Friday only to be shot down by some dumb ass coworker celebrating that they took tomorrow off so his vacation can start early. (I hope you die) On a good note my Boss gave me a bottle of wine for a Christmas gift and I also got movie tickets, Whoo hoo. I know that sounds lame but I really wanted to go see “I am legend” (I LOVE ZOMBIE MOVIES) and/or “P.S. I love you” (I know total chick flick, so shoot me).

As for the Christmas party last night it was fun. I always feel out of place at those things only because I am a perverted, outgoing, drunk who doesn’t know when to shut up and everyone else has class or at least old enough to find other things funny in like than “dick and ass” jokes. Sometimes it is hard to relate as well because most people are married, divorced with kids, etc. I look at them with my cosmopolitan in hand and say “kids, szmidz I can’t even take care of myself, hehe”. I know this will change but for now I love my life with only a condo and fiancé to worry about (don’t piss on our fucking rug!). I actually went home kind of early since my broken foot started to feel good after the third martini and I figured this was not a good sign.

My foot is getting slowly better and the pain pills are great, except with any type of drug you start to build tolerance. When I first took two I felt like I was in heaven, now it just makes me kind of tired. So I gave a good ole call to the doctor’s receptionist to see if she could hook me up with some more….BOOO ya! I swear if you have a real injury they just don’t care. So I think I am going to save a few for new years to make the night and my foot bearable.

On the Christmas front I am almost done Christmas shopping and I have to take my younger sister out this weekend for her 21st birthday! I am so excited she is the last one out of the 4 of us to be 21. We can all officially and legally get drunk now, hehehe! I think someone is going to puke and it is not going to be me. (I need to say that over and over to myself) I am pretty sure there will be some great stories to tell on Monday. Remind me to tell you the story of my 21st birthday which included 17 shots, four mixed drinks and 4 beers. Uhhhh it was a long night that is for sure.

Back to work while I stare at my bottle of cabernet sauvignon dreaming of next week and freedom.

The Mad Pisser

I fully believe my fiancé has a sleepwalking/pissing problem that I do not know how to remedy. Every Tuesday S. usually goes out with friends for “big ass beer night” which includes bringing your own cup (any size) and draft beer for only three dollars. Sometimes I tag along and sometimes I don’t. (I love to do girlie stuff when he isn’t around like mud masks, and hair treatments)

Well last night I did not and I got a lot of Christmas wrapping done and watched Nip tuck (LOVE THAT SHOW). S. came home pretty early and he looked buzzed but not blatantly drunk or anything. We go to bed and within 20 minutes he get’s up with a groan and then gets down on both knees and almost starts to piss on a antique trunk we have in our bedroom. As I give him a good slap and drag him to the bathroom he is speaking incoherently about “2006 being sexy and retarded like I was”. He really didn’t make any sense but he did piss in the toilet (thank god).

He then proceeded to pass out on the floor in the fetal position. Granted S. looks hot naked on the bathroom floor but I know he wasn’t that drunk. Two seconds later he crawls to bed and passes out. I need to reiterate that when he came home he talked to me, wasn’t crazy drunk but basically looked like he had about 3 beers, happy but slightly tired.

I am beginning to think it is a sleepwalking problem because when S. is drunk you can tell from a mile away. He has done this before in the past 4 years but usually after massive amount of drinking. Not until the last two times did I notice it might not have anything to do with the liquor or beer. So does anyone have any idea how to stop a sleepwalking pisser?

Work News: I am attending the holiday dinner/party….MUST remember to not drink much and break other foot.

I know pronounce you Mrs. Gimp!

So first things first! I am officially teaching a college course at a community college! Extra cash for the wedding (which I ordered my dress, see below) and I get to pretend I know what the fuck I am talking about. I did it in Graduate school and was a teaching assistant but that was years ago and I was more of a slacker then. The woman who hired me seems really cool but serious about her job so I am going to have to step it up. I have a week off of work next week so I can hopefully get a lot of lesson plans done then. Hmmmm, strange to say that and think I will be molding impressionable college kids in drinking…I mean learning. I am sure I will have lots of stories from the classroom in the next semester.

I still have a broken foot, which sucks but like I said before…PERCOCETS are my friend. All you need is a pain pill and a glass of wine and TA DAH I am in heaven. S. has been amazing through all of this and really shows he loves me by doing the unthinkable. He holds my purse every where we go. You may not think this is a big deal and luckily he doesn’t either but it is interesting to see a grown hot man with a zebra print purse in his hand. I think sometimes you have to get hurt to see how much that person is capable of taking care of you and S. is doing a fabulous job! Much praise to him for cleaning out my car from snow, cooking, and pampering me…all the while telling me I am beautiful with this fucking boot and my gimp like limp. His new nickname is Hop along Cassidy which I find amusing during sex, hehe.

Well I am going to get back to work and low and behold is the following dress (except the sash will be the color of lettuce green) I will be wearing when I subject myself to a lifetime of monogamy, hehe!

Great Quotes about Alcohol!

IN the spirit of all the parties that surround the Holidays I thought I would include some great quotes about Alcohol...which is my first love, hehe! Write back soon to update on the foot (percocets rule), and the wonders of corporate christmas!


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
Hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Br ian O'Rourke



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
spaz.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Salvation in a can!

~Dave Howell



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:



" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers."



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not

Save the wine!

This little bugger

plus

divided by

Equals

(P.S. this is not my foot aka I shave my legs but the swelling and blackness are dead on. My foot is like a big balck fucking sausage!)

Can you believe it! I was so embarressed! There I am at this posh party starting to walk down the stairs as I tell the group of 15 in front of me "Hey everyone I would love to PLAAYYYYAHHHHH! I swear I fell in slow motion. The dog, steps and wine all came crashing together and as I fell forward all I could think was "SAVE THE WINE!" Not save the dog, or save me but rather the really great tasting red wine I had in my hand. So I broke my foot but the dog and wine was ok (I didn't spill a drop which everyone gave me a round of applause for, hehe).

On a side note percocets with wine are the best combo ever at night!

Porn tapes, jobs, and happy hour, OH MY!

So apparently it is true that when one door closes (or gets slammed in your face leaving you bleeding all over your self with your teeth in hand) than another opens. I got an email from a friend of a friend who works for another company and might have openings. We are possibly getting together for coffee on Thursday to discuss my goals, etc.

Hmmm must dress very sexy (not slutty) for this middle aged guy in power. Have to make him want me and than dazzle him with my brains. YES I am getting desperate and will resort to using my long legs to get in the door….so shoot me.

On other fronts I am going for a happy hour today….I need to drink (honestly I am not an alcoholic). I find myself getting jealous of S. because his schedule is so lax and he can pretty much stay out as late as he can while I am stuck home because I am still trying to go to the gym in the morning before I have to be at the office at 8am. So he went out with some of our friends to the strip club and I stayed home, did laundry and watched TV. Although after a couple of glasses of wine I started to think of something sexy and creative to do for S.

Then it dawned on me……I will videotape me masturbating for his little stash of porn and slip it in. Can I tell you that I give mad props to people in the porn industry now? It was difficult to set up camera, lighting, sound, music, clothing (lack of clothing) and watch everything you do so you appear sexy. Well the first take came out ok, but not good enough so I made the second one and liked it a lot better. I just need to pick up a DVD recordable CD than slip it in his collection so one day when I am not around, BAM he will get a great video of his fiancé, dancing around, touching herself and using a vibrator….I know its not a gang bang but hey I can only do so much alone, hehehe.

P.S. on another note I emailed R&D boy to go to the happy hour and he is going. Little crushes are nice to have. Sometimes I just fantasize about what it would be like to fuck him. God I love tall, cute, geeky guys.

A delicious dinner with an appetizer of job disappointment

OK, OK I am a loser….NO second interview. BOOOOOO! Dammit I really wanted that job and I thought the interview went well. Only thing that sucked was that their was only one position and like 20 applicants. Should have fucked both interviewers, maybe then I would have gotten it, hehe.

Sometimes I get so frustrated with job hunting because it is a never ending vicious cycle. You have to have experience but how do you get experience when no one hires you if you are new to the field. I had this problem out of grad school….you don’t have enough experience..Uhhh yeah I had to get that masters you wanted but apparently I was supposed to be working full time as well. I am not too depressed just more bummed. I learned right out of graduate school how to not get myself stressed over lost jobs, just keep truckin. (What the hell did I just say truckin…must be influences from going to school in PA)

Only saving grace last night was S. he made the most amazing dinner last night since we had another couple over last night. Very adult party with appetizers, wine and discussion. I think I can get used to this…so I thought I would show you how amazing S is at his current profession (sous chef).

He made a stacked, layered side which had sweet potatoes, butternut squash, sautéed peaches with a layer of gorgonzola cheese on top. (So fucking good I almost had an orgasm at the table. He prepared rack of lamb with a fig chutney sauce on the side which he cooked perfectly. S is so great at presentation and I love receiving it. I am not a horrible cook but S. definitely kicks my ass in the kitchen and he always makes my coworkers green with envy when I bring leftovers to work.


See the layered side, you have no idea how fucking delicious it was!


I think my new favorite meat is lamb (luckily he gets it for free or cheap because apparently the rack he bought would have cost us 90 DOLLARS, crazy why would any meat cost that much, who know but I love it.

Back to the job search and pretending to enjoy my job.

So funny

Ok, I just found a hilarious blog which I think will be my new addiction. It's called "Hot chicks with Douchebags" It is to funny and sometimes I think the same things this guy does when he goes out. Only thing is sometimes I don't think the chicks he thinks are hot..are hot but he makes up with a hilarious snide remark, hehehe!

Razors are better than interviews!

So today is my interview…I am nervous but not too nervous. I am going to the “dentist” early today for the interview. I am nervous not because of the actual interview but more that I want the job so bad so I can get the hell out of here.

The main problem I have had with getting interviews is that I am basically changing careers. I would not be changing fields but my career within the field. I have been putting resume and cover letters to any and every company to try and so far I got one phone interview (decided I didn’t have enough experience) and this actual interview so I know this might be my only chance for a while. The new job would be a great start to a new year and I would get a new company care, corporate credit card, etc. The pay would be pretty much the same as I make now but I get way better bonuses each quarter if I make or exceed my goals.

As I prepare for this interview (hmm why did I chose the field of science again?) I think back to the two worst interviews of my life. Before I graduated grad school interviews had always been a breeze for me. Basically if I could get an interview I would get the job. Of course the jobs up to that point included waitress, marketing assistant, bartender and retail clerk. Not very impressive but my outgoing personality and success with such childish interviews gave me a bloated sense of confidence in the interviewing arena.

So when I got my first interview with Yale to be a research assistant I was excited and pretty much thought “hey how could they not want me?” HA believe me after this interview I could understand. I went in and the PhD dick head completely blindsided me with a chemistry test. What chemistry test on a fucking interview with no calculator? I completely froze and blanked. WORSE time ever to blank. I basically looked like a retard that couldn’t complete a math equation. He was particularly snide as he made it abundantly clear that I was an idiot. (Most PhD’s have a holier than god, I am king of the world complex) I couldn’t believe I fucked it up so much but realized it was best to have my first “real” interview go horribly wrong rather than a job I really wanted.

A couple more interviews my confidence grew. I would get further and further with a phone interview, then a first interview, but never got the job. I would prepare more and more for each new prospect. I then landed an interview for a state job with a lab and again felt prepared but not prepared enough. As I walked in I was greeted by two PhD’s who actually appeared nice and humble but after a few minutes of bullshit they brought be into a lab…to give me a practical. If you don’t know what a practical basically it is when you have to perform techniques (in my case lab techniques) with people watching and judging you. It is very intense and nerve wracking but what was worse apparently the lab had an issue with mold and had bleached the lab from top to bottom. The lab wrecked of bleach and it was so strong that paired with the stress of them watching me perform I almost PASSED out! Yup, gray in the face, short breaths, eyes in the back of the head, passed out. Do you have any idea how fucking embarrassing it is to be 24 and almost pass out. Luckily the rest of the interview went great, I even got a 90 on the timed math tes (with a calculator this time, hehe) and I really clicked with the guy who would be my boss. I actually made it to the third and final interview where I was told it was between me and one other guy. Turned out he knew more about botany than I (damn hippie, hehe JK).

In the end it turned out OK the job I have now paid about 15,000 dollars more a year and they had benefits. So today I want out of my current job but serio0usly cannot wait for the interview to be over with. Maybe I will be asked to swallow razors while saying the alphabet backwards? That truly does not seem so bad just as long as I get the fucking job! Say a prayer, sacrifice an animal, do anything so that I get this job!

I love her!

Ok, I am exhausted (Repeat after me I AM NOT GOING TO MURDER MY FIANCE) from no sleep again but I love ALICIA KEYES and her new song. I love her voice, lyrics and the fact that she is one hot curvy chick! I do wonder somtimes if she is a lesbian which hey maybe I could turn to the other side for her!?

Hilarious

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' to which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'




She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

The "List"

The other day for some odd reason I started to think of my “list”. Everyone has the “list” of their sexual partners and how different parts of your life and outlook change the type of lovers you have. I think pre-sex was the best training for me to have a really healthy sex life. I figure hey why not share with everyone (plus as time goes it gets more and more difficult to remember) in the internet world.

When I was younger I was a tomboy, sports, and a lot of guy friends. This actually helped me not have sex until I got to college. I would hear true insight at what men think and how sex is. Plus lest not forget how fertile my family is on both sides. My father comes from a family of 11 kids and all married which gives me something about 45 blood cousins (crazy sexual Irish Catholics with no protection).

I basically realized I did not want to be a practicing post for most men, because face it I didn’t know my body and most men around that age don’t either. So when all the girls I knew said sex was so great, years down the road admitted that sex then was a mish mosh of awkwardness like two fish flopping on the sand. Plus the big O didn’t occur for a majority of my girlfriends, while the teenage guy pounding away got his. Do not get me wrong this is not all the guys fault I didn’t even start masturbating till college, so how do I expect a man to know how to please me when I didn’t? I couldn’t fathom having sex which wasn’t going to make me feel great for the risk of being knocked up. I wasn’t going to let crappy sex ruin four years of partying which was on the horizon.

I did have one situation which I still debate with friends as to whether it is considered sex but I will list that with the others. So without no further ado the list!

1. First love (oh to be young and naive): He was the first guy I got butterflies for and who also broke my heart. I never cared about someone before, even if they broke up with me. This is the debate: He was the first guy I did anything with included a debacle of a hand job (rug burn), and getting naked. We basically attempted to have sex when I was 16 and when I say attempted I mean he put it in, I freaked and he took it out. No thrusting, no pain, no movement, and no ejaculation…so do you consider that sex for the first time?
2. Senior guy: I was a freshman, he was a cute senior, I was drunk and just decided to do it. Nothing special, wasn’t forced (I showed up at his door later that evening) and honestly didn’t even want to be with him. I think my curiosity at that point was so high about what the fuss was about that I just did it with this nice guy I knew wanted to be with me, so if I got emotionally attached it would last at least a little while. Well needless to say I was so disappointed…that’s it? This is what everyone is talking about? It didn’t hurt, it pretty much didn’t do anything. At the end I started to get dressed and he stammered “Aren’t you going to stay over?” I looked back and replied “Uhhh no thanks, don’t feel like doing the walk of shame, thanks and we're still friends right?”
3. Big Dick boy: This guy who I met was white but had the biggest dick I have ever encountered! I mean like 8-9 inches. This was a huge change and actually not for the better. I couldn’t be on top and other positions were uncomfortable. I dated him about 4 months but still didn’t orgasm but didn’t quite wince as much.
4. Latin Lover: This was a great experience not that I orgasmed but I finally felt some passion and the guy’s dick was perfect. We did it in the basement bathroom of our dorm because we both had roommates that knew we had boyfriend/girlfriends. I can say one thing Latin men say the most amazing things to you and are so much fun in bed…downside usually sluts so a relationship is never going to happen.
5. Short guy: He was a guy I dated in the summer that I met on E at a rave. We talked and talked but when we stood up he was about 5 inches shorter. I am 5’10 so you get the drift. I dated him for the summer and fucked him in my car near a lake. Good times but I never found my panties.
6. Virgin: I took a guy’s virginity in college. I was so drunk and invited him back, started having sex, went to turn on the lights, fell over a fan, continued to have sex till I got sick and passed out. Sooo romantic for the guy. In my defense I didn’t know I took his V card till a mutual friend told me. I actually felt so guilty I continued to date him and guess what? I fell head over hells in love with him and was with him for 4 years! He and I explored each others bodies; I finally experienced an orgasm and anal sex. We did everything under the sun and both found our sexuality together.
7. S. : He was the first time I had ever truly cheated. The guy in college that I was seeing never made it official but with Virgin boy we were engaged! I don’t know what happened but I fell for S. immediately mentally and physically. The sexual tension was so high I felt like orgasming when he looked at me. I resisted for over three months and we hung out a lot. S. and I became a couple after I crushed poor virgin, who to this day I fell awful about.
8. Threesome: On one of S and I breakups, I found out S. was already sleeping/dating someone else within a day or two of breaking up. He had met her at the bar the night we broke up and took her home. I was enraged, hurt and distraught so one night while hanging out with two good friends of mine (not my normal group but grad school peeps) my girlfriend (who has been with both sexes) started hitting on me, one thing lead to another and my other guy friend was coming over anyways so when he got there we invited him in. The weird thing about the threesome was that both parties wanted me so a lot of focus was on me. They wouldn’t fuck each other only me. I can honestly say it was fun, different and at some points way to much stimulus. I held that secret as a “fuck” you to S even when we got back together. I thought” Hahha, something you always wanted and I got it without you!” He eventually found out and still isn’t truly comfortable about it. Hey you fucked me over and I had a threesome.
9. Greek boy: He was another one when S and I broke up (only twice over 4 ½ years) and he was such an amazing person. He could have been the only man that swayed me from S. He was adorable, tall, dark, handsome, hilarious, smart, rich, and sweet but one major problem. He was awful in bed and weird about it too. I think he had a virgin whore complex? He really liked me and I him, so he couldn’t just fuck me. I was the virgin and fucking me would make me a whore. Hmmm I like being both. So we have done the back and forth thing, always calling over the last three years when both of our love lives are in peril. But timing and his lackluster performance has made it so my children will never be Greek and I will not be rich. DAMMIT, hehe.
10. Hot Idiot Boy: He was the one guy I slept with this last time S and I broke up (remember all the whining I did at the start of the blog when I thought it was over) and he was so gorgeous but seriously needed a helmet! I thought he was devoid of any personality and retarded. His sexual techniques were far from spectacular and too fast for my liking. In his defense I was super aggressive and acting like a porn star out of anger at S. so that might make anyone not perform to well the one time you have sex.

So there you have it my 10 ½ guys (hmm some say 11) I have on my list. Not everyone knows about all of them, and some do but now all my Blogger friends know. I think 11 over 8 years isn’t too bad? Let me tell you thank god for the two 4 year relationships I had because I have a feeling it would be in the 30 if I wasn’t.

So busy

I have been insanely busy at work while trying to secure a new job. I have a interveiw next week but we also have an Audit so I am trying to figure out a great lie for my boss, while trying to study for the interview. I also got a response back from another company located in San Diego. My job would still be in the Northeasy but training there would be cool (never been to Cali). I have been spending alot of time on the internet looking at other companies, putting out resume after resume in hopes of a career change. So I have been neglecting my blogger, my outlet, my sanity. I will update more stories at lunch but for now back to the corporate slavery I love!

Thanskgiving 2007

I can honestly say I had a great thanksgiving! In a previous post I spoke how the sisters wanted to cook and they did. The only thing i prepared was green bean casserole and I brought a bunch of beer and wine. The food was overall pretty good, no major disasters and I met my older sister's new bulldog puppy called Stella. Oh my god the dog was so adorable and almost made me run out the house and purchase a dog. I restrained myself because a one bedroom condo would definitely be torture for any type of dog.

Alot of partying went on since I had a four day weekend. The girls all went out on Friday to downtown and besides one girlfriend leaving early we all had a blast. Sometimes it is nice to go out, drink, dance and flirt. It reminds me that I still have it. I of course was a good girl and did not do anything more than chat, flirt and imagine in my head what sex would be like with this cute guy. Hey men have their porn and we have random guys at the bar.

Last night S. made dinner for me and my parents and it was nice and low key. My parents are hilarious and my dad keeps showing me how cool he is. He made us look up this hilarious clip on you tube and I about pissed my pants. I feel like they are finally seeing me not only as their daughter but an adult.

I am back to work and it is great because my two bosses are out! Whooo hooo so it is nice and quiet. I will get some work done but not really, hehe. I also had a phone interview for a new position and I got offered a real interview. Only problem is that it is the week of an audit we are having here...hmmm how do I lie about getting out of work to go try for another job?..say a prayer that I get the job.

Curse of the bartender

I have aquired a great skill over the years due to working as a bartender for years. It is the ability to hear numerous conversations at once. During graduate school I bartended at numerous restuarants and bars and over time you learn to listen more carefully to the customers and hone in on 5 different customers at once. Most importantly this was used so you can interact with a drunk person on a intimate level and that meant more drinks and tips. People want to feel that even strangers care about them and their lives.

Yet this skill I have aquired makes it very difficult at work to concentrate. Example my crazy, pathetic, pubic hair chest, mid life crisis coworker is going through an on and off divorce. (He cheated on her for years because she got fat, nice guy huh?) So I constantly hear his conversations with his ex wife and his lawyers. Then I can hear my boss repromanding a hourly worker for being late the 5th time in the last two months. I overhear the ladies talking shit about some other lady who happens to be 10 pounds lighter.

I guess what sucks about this skill is that over time it just makes me realize how shitty people truley are. Do not get me wrong I am no saint but seriously I thought as we got oldr the whole "talking behind someone's back" would become less and less aparent. Errr apparently it is just replaced with "being civil". How is it we cna rationalize talking shit and being overall horrible and say we are just being professional?

I think that is one of the things I hate about corporate world. Everyone is fake...I have always been the type of person to let you know how I feel about you. If I don't like you I do not become some dramatic bitch I just won't go out of my way to be friends with you. I would want the same thing but in corporate world it is all about politics..or is it soothing everyone's ego?

Is all this ego soothing equivalent how schools are giving ribbons to everyone at school instead of the winner? What is happening to people? I am thinking to deeply before a 4 day vacation! Everyone pray my work will let us out early!!

Have a Happy Thankgiving Everyone!

I have been tagged!

One of my favorite blogs "Girl and Cents" (Alison) tagged me (much obliged) so I guess I will bare my soul about 7 facts that you may not know.

1. I sucked on my thumb until I was 12 years old...I was very ashamed of this but for some reason my spark of interest in boys helped aleviate this nasty habit.

2.I hate my feet, my big toe looks like a head! My feet are huge and I can tell you many shoes on display for a six are not as cute when brought out in a ten.

3. I do not get off from having sex by being on top and I didn't like the "rabbit". All of my girlfriends live my it, but I do not. I love my clit massager and plain pink vibrator as for being on top I think I am too lazy and I enjoy doggie style better.

4. I am working in a field that I have not gone for school for at all! It is so true that most jobs are all about who you know. I applied for 10 jobs in my field and made it to second interveiws with no hire. My first interview at this corporate comapny (through a friend) I got it within two weeks.

5. I have set my sister up with two guys in the past 4 years and both wanted me first. I figured "hey she looks like me but she is nicer and has a bigger bust!" She still doesn't know that her current boyfriend and an ex both asked me out first.

6. My foavorite snack is "roasted garlic" triscuits with veggie cream cheese. At one point I thought triscuits was going to discontinue this line of cracker so I wrote letter after letter making complaints how my main staple of food would be destroyed if this were to happen. Safe to say it was not discontinued but my friends all still pick on me for caring about crackers.

7. I give better advice to people than I take myself.

I now tag some of my peeps:

Confessions of my so called life

A girls Relationship with seattle

Habitat for INhumanity

Retarded Friday!

Hahahaha! I just realized it is Friday, Hahaha, all day I thought it was thursday until the Janitor said "almost time for the weekend!" My reaction "Huh" As a wave of confusion, disbelief and then happiness came rushing over me. Big glass of wine....HERE I COME and fuck this crazy place.

P.S. I got a 4% raise, hmmm they act like I should be grateful. Uhhh isn't that less than the normal rate of inflation? Well at least it is friday!

Thanksgiving, war and an electric knife.

Whoo hoo finally had sex last night! I honestly can say a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was a little scared as I got on top and started the motions. I had a horrible nightmare the night before that I broke his back while fucking him. Apparently he was in good enough shape to work it! 

Besides that update I wanted to discuss the holiday thanksgiving coming up and how I really could do without it. Thanksgiving is ok but I find myself more a supporter of partying holidays like Halloween and New Years. Thanksgiving is boring to me and too much work. GREAT most women across the U.S. have to wake up at 4 in the morning to start a turkey while the men sit around with beers and have fun. I feel for all women but when it comes to my own family there has been a war with split forces.

There are three sides to this war. One side is my mother and I, against my three sisters, while my father is neutral like Switzerland. Basically my three sisters want to have the traditional thanksgiving with the turkey stuffing and crap where as my mother and I just want to go to a nice restaurant for a thanksgiving dinner.

In the past parts of my family contribute something and we all come together at the rents house, but the past two years my oldest sister has been MIA and the youngest has never contributed a thing. So usually it is my mother, one sister and me (with S. help of course) who did all the work. Somehow S. and I got conned into making the sides which is a feat within itself. Having to wake up and make 6-8 sides after a night of partying (the night before thanksgiving is considered one of the busiest bar nights of the year) is more difficult than you think. My eldest sister one year went to her husband’s family and last year brought food to elderly people with no family (she is a saint).

So this year my mother and I were like “Fuck it” lets just go out to a nice dinner so nobody has to work hard or clean up. OHHHH no my sisters just couldn’t let that happen. God forbid we do not have a normal thanksgiving. I on the other hand think spending time with my family is what is important not slaving away in a kitchen.

What is funny about my sisters bitching about it is that the eldest cannot cook to save her life (she is the epitome of D.I.N.K. yuppie who orders take out) and the youngest sister is the baby whose life is too important and busy to be bothered with such things. Uhhhh, OK so why the hell do you want this massive dinner?

My mother and I finally surrendered but under certain rules…I am not cooking. I will purchase wine, booze and S. said he wants to make his special green bean casserole AND that is it. My mother isn’t going to do anything, hehe. After 28 years of cooking for all of us I figure we are old enough to cook for her.

On a different note…how in the hell does my father always seem immune to this shit, he isn’t involved, he doesn’t have to cook, NOTHING!? I love him but seriously how is it most men I know (work with a lot of them) do not get flustered about this holiday, only the women?

Fuck that! I say all women unite and do nothing, I mean anything on this holiday. MAKE the men cook and clean while we sit and watch “Sex and the city” reruns. Let them wear an apron and worry about gravy! How is it after all of the hard work you see a man carving the piece of shit bird? I say take that electric knife and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. Hmmm need to calm down I am starting to sound like a man hater, which I am not but sometimes I just do not get tradition (apparently my sisters do?)

What are all my Blogger friends doing for Thanksgiving?

Daily Rants

Can I just rant a bit about life?

How is it that thanksgiving has not even passed and Christmas commercials, decorations, music and crap is being plastered everywhere? Every year it gets started earlier and earlier…by the time I am forty Christmas will be celebrated and after new years I will want to rip my eyes out due to sale signs for Christmas being put up again.

No sex in four days!!!! This shit is bothering me and even worse I have not masturbated either. I know this sounds strange but S. is home all day and it is a one bedroom condo. I don’t feel like its right to just leave and do my thing? See I have a whole set up of lights off, candle set, music on…basically I truly fuck myself but masturbation has always been a backup or used for erotica during sex. I know it is not right to feel this way but I feel like it would just put it right up in his face that you can’t fuck me right now. He said he felt good enough last night for me to be on top but I am too petrified to even do that. God forbid I start riding him and go buck wild without realizing he is crying in pain and really fucked hi back up for good! How could I live with myself and even more how would you explain it to the doctor?

Work sucks, work sucks, work sucks….the interview process is not going great, shit the getting a call back is not going great. I am basically trying to change fields but within the same type of companies. So I have to do a little more networking or start sleeping with bosses? Any takers? (Hmm did I mention I haven’t had sex in four days?)

I will reiterate how much corporate companies suck for anything more than a higher paycheck and better benefits. Yesterday I had to go to a focus/training/waste of my fucking time seminar group thing. Basically our company was under a huge global company but we decide to separate and become a stand alone company. We are still a global force but lots of changes have and will continue to occur. So they have us in groups of ten with all different departments, standing for two hours going over stupid colorful maps trying to shove down our throat the mission of the new company and how much we should love all the ridiculous hard work that is coming. All the while they are bashing the old company…when it suddenly hits me. Didn’t they do the same fucking thing the last time they switched companies? They always make it sound like big better changes are going to occur, and they are all about the customer! BULLSHIT…it is going to be the same crap day in and day out and nothing will matter but the bottom line. Fucking strategic department!

I need to go on a diet starting soon; I can feel my pants getting tight. I gauge my weight by my clothes since I cannot at this time go out and buy a whole new wardrobe if I gain a few. I guess being poor has its advantages.

That is my rant and I can honestly tell you I feel so much better and relaxed after I purge all my annoyances on my blog. Blog I love you and your way to make me feel cleansed of all the stupid, annoying (really not the end of the world but drives me nuts) things in life.

Whooo it has been crazy at work ever since my coworker became free of this horrible corporate prison. Hmmm jealous a bit (hey I am trying to go on interviews and I have a few networking things coming up.)? Well the weekend was a big one and sometimes I do not know how life becomes so crazy for me. I think I am a magnet for drama from men and women all around me, whether you are a friend, family member or some fucking stranger on the street.

Friday night was quite calm I just visited a friend for a while and then crashed out early. On Saturday I went to an amazing dinner date with S. which was to die for. Granted I wish we had made reservations so we didn’t have to wait but the Hen I had was amazing, and you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. I ate spinach, which I fucking hate; I had it prepared almost like it was pan seared. It made to the texture different which is what I always hated about the limp wet spinach my mother forced me to eat as a kid.

After dinner we met up with S. boss who is a nice guy but the typical I am 50, want to look 30 so I can score chicks kind of guy. He works out all the time (not bad) but his attitude is kind of pathetic. YOU are not 30 anymore; it is ok to embrace getting older. Some of the hottest guys out there are better looking older…Brad Pitt, Robert Redford to name a few. Besides that he was fun and we had a few martini’s before we met up with Truck driver at his apt (which was actually S. and I old apartment too.) so S. could play darts and I could hand out with TD new girlfriend (she is so great and I am so happy for TD). Well more and more of my friends come over including MAC girl, Best friend couple, and others. We were all hanging around having a good time when all of a sudden (well not all of a sudden but like 10:30pm) the guys wanted to go to downtown. Ewww I really didn’t want to go. For some reason no one would go unless I went….makes no sense since in the past I have never stopped anyone from going out. After badgering me I was like sure just for a bit.

As we get into the bar (mind you everyone is drunk) we order drinks and make it up the stairs. No sooner do we get up there S. best friend (who is married to my best friend) wanted to dance, since his wife did not come out, S. decided to help him out by being a wing man. So I see S. trying to talk to this woman, who looks at S. and looks at best friend and is not having it. She gave the shoo away and S. is a bit drunk so he can be persistent. I couldn’t help myself and was like S. leave the woman alone she doesn’t want to dance with best friend. Well S. for some reason got all annoyed at the girl and me and went for a drink with best friend. On a side note, I can’t help but tell S. to stop because I hate when I go to bar and some guy nice or not does not get the hint and leave me alone. So even though S. had good intentions for best friend (which best friend didn’t care about the girl he just wanted to dance) I still think persistent guys can be annoying.

At the same time MAC girl came back from the bathroom and through the crowded club I can see she is pissed and annoyed. Some guy and girl were bothering her. The club skank thought Mac girl was rubbing up against her man, and the guy wasn’t helping the situation. After words were exchanged MAC girl just wanted out. OK, fine she wants to leave right after we got there. (Fuck I am thinking in my head…why are people still acting like they are in high school and why is MAC girl falling for it.). I told our other friends that I would bring her back and be back within twenty minutes. Well low and behold I go out and find that we are blocked in! So after trying to drive around (actually hit a car, but didn’t care since it was the fucker blocking about 15 cars in) and getting my car stuck the tow truck arrive like 45 mins. later. A huge fight ensues (not me but the ghetto fabulous of the town) and somehow I get sprite splashed in my face even though I didn’t say a fucking word! I was about to fucking slap someone when the cops showed up and broke it up. I was so fucking pissed the whole ordeal took over two hours. Needless to say I was not happy. I wasn’t pissed at my girlfriend directly but in my head I was thinking, I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to go. I would never say that and of course logically and sober I know it wasn’t her who blocked us in or the stupid attendant who ruined the night for us. Finally make it home and pass out around 4pm.

I realized that next morning that downtown is not for me. I prefer house gatherings or pubs. I will only go to the clubs unless I have too (birthdays, etc).

Next morning I get breakfast and went shopping with MAC girl. Can I tell you how much I love Trader Joe’s? I do not know if you have one but it basically is a great organic grocery store; imagine Whole foods on a smaller level. After that we went to Best Buy and I bought a jacket. Adorable red long pea coat for the winter…makes my long legs look even longer.

That day S. was going over to a coworker’s house for a football game while I was out with MAC girl. Around 7pm I invite cheap friend and some others over to watch “Tell me you love me” (Best HBO series EVER) and drink some wine. No sooner do my friends call I get a call from S. best friend. He is not doing so well. Well? What is he drunk? Errr no he hurt his back…and when I say hurt his back S was gray, couldn’t move and actually cried! I have seen S. with a broken nose, and arm and he never cried. The poor thing was completely falling apart. I felt so bad. He has been home the last three day’s basically on his back and on pain killers. Only good thing is he was able to make it to the bathroom last night.

So basically I am trying to get a shit load of work done now while fighting with insurance company about S. coverage for an MRI. This is such bullshit, fucking insurance companies suck. I love how you do not even talk to a human until about 20 minutes go by and then they are fucking retards! Grrrr ok sorry I need to go out have a cigarette and cuss at some people (JK.)

P.S. back injuries suck since you cannot have sex!

Short update

I can't write to much since I was out yesterday and work is fucking crazy! My boss sucks and the work load is insane. Basically S. is out of commission since he might have a slipped disk or something so I spent yesterday tending to him (will post more on that) and I will explain why I am getting to old to go to the clubs (somebody threw sprite in my fucing face!). I will take a lunch tomorrow to blog my little head of but for now just have to make it through the day and make sure S. is ok.

P.S. Insurance companies and Human resources can suck my pink asshole!

Coworkers and stripclubs!

Thank god I made it through yesterday and surprisingly enough I am not hung-over. I watched as the clock slowly ticked toward 5:00 pm. I hate when you just watch the clock, instead of feeling like 5 minutes it feels like 5 hours.

Once the “school” bell rang I bolted to the bar. Apparently everyone else did because cute R&D boy cut me off in the parking lot. I almost got mad and then he flashed his adorable smile at me. I am a sucker for cute…just can’t help it.

As I walk to the bar all I can think of is the crisp clean take of a Blue Moon beer. This beer has become a staple for me if I am not drinking wine, shots, or anything else. It is my beer of choice and something about its light but not watery flavor hits the spot every time.

I ask the bartender for a tall one and realize he is slurring…wait, what, how can this be? The bartender is more shit faced than anyone there, at 5pm no less! I asked him if he was ok with a smile on my face. Poor thing just got dumped and like a good dumpee he was self medicating. I guess I should clarify it was more like self mutilation/killing. He would take a shot with anyone who ordered it. Now with a group of 40 co-workers that would mean the bartender took about 12-15 shots in 2 hours. Poor thing could barely keep his eyes open or function by the end. I appeased his ego a bit when he started to hit on me, but its hard to take someone serious when his eyes continually roll in the back of their head when they are talking to you.

The happy hour was thrown for a co-worker of mine whom we will name Indian guy. In the beginning he and I didn’t particularly care for each other but over time we have grown respect and had a good time. It seems sometimes you become friends because you have to band together against “the corporate” beast.

My goal was to get Indian guy so shit faced he wouldn’t remember. I think I may have achieved it a little too much. Shot after shot (as well as the bartender) he gave the following speech.

Indian guy: “I just wanted to give a speech. You may think I am going to miss you….but I won’t! If you go into NJ and think of me you won’t be able to find me because there are too many Indians, but hey there aren’t too many bald one so you can try.”

Everyone is laughing at this point but I am not sure if they are trying to appease and diffuse the situation or they thought he was being sarcastic. I think Indian guy was both sarcastic and somewhat truthful. Who really stays in contact with colleagues except when you need someone? Unless you were friends during work to the point of hanging out besides happy hour you will most likely never talk again after a coworker leaves.

Around 8:30pm we decided to take it to the strip club and S., MAC girl, and my sister met us as well. I got S, and Indian guy a dance (not together you perverts) and paid women to grope me in front of other guys. Gotta love the strip club! Actually it was kind of nice to see that most of the women had real boobs except one girl who had these softballs….have to say it was a bit scary looking when she leaned back.

By the end of the night I just wanted to get home and for some reason S. said some shit that annoyed me so we started bickering…which lead to some hot sex.

I have come to the realization that I am a complete submissive. I love to be dominated! I am so in control in life and everything that in the sack I want to be over taken and have no control whatsoever. I even got a little kinky last night because I asked him to choke me. Not painful choke but just like holding me down. It was really hot (he looked a bit surprised and slightly scared but got into it after a while) and I have a smack on my ass to prove it.

So I ask of you out there what is the kinkiest thing you have done (hmmm there are a few including a threesome and dressing up as a school girl)?

Damn work

Hmm can't write much have to finish a big projet before Happy hour tonight and the strip club. Thank you Asshole doucebag Boss I love last minute projects before a fun night. Thank you for stripping my life force a little more everyday. Will report in tomorrow with news of tonight's debauchery, I promise!!

Old friends does not always mean good friends.

Ever have that friend that sometimes you think “Why am I friends with this girl?” Well Drama girl is that for me. Let me give you a little background on her first before I rant about last night’s drama.

Drama girl and I became friends in high school. We both went to a all girl private school and she was a year ahead of me. Maybe I should have realized how we became friends that Drama girl was all about drama.

I was sitting in Latin class with my friend School teacher and we were talking in class. I was telling a funny story about a date or something trivial when the teacher started yelling at me for talking. I sulked and kept quiet when out of nowhere a blond hair girl started yelling at the teacher to shut up and let me finish the story. To a teacher she yelled this. I turned around in disbelief as Drama girl got sent to the principals. We were friends ever since then. Drama girl was rough around the edges and so was I but I was an over achiever at school. Involved in everything from sports, NHS, musicals, art club, you name it I was involved in it. Drama girl was known around the school as a troubled girl who was trying everything and anything to get thrown out of school because she wanted to be in public school. I remember the dean of students taking me into his office and having a “talk” with me to examine whether being friends with Drama girl was in my best interest.

Now as we all know in high school your biggest concern is a boy you like, and which friend is getting a car first. So Drama girl and I flourished as friends. She is an only child of a divorced family so we always got to stay out late and I would just lie to my parents that I was “sleeping” over Drama girls when in fact we were sneaking into clubs or hanging out with boys. She was dramatic at times but when you are that young everything seems to be that way. She would cry about some boy and I would clean her up over and over again. She would listen as I lamented about not having big enough boobs to get Johnny’s attention, etc. For a while High school teacher and I got her to realize the world does not always revolve around her and things were good.

College came and I went away to PA for college while most of my friends went to state schools. I stayed in contact with all of them, came home during summers, etc. I was a little out of the loop which was expected but I never felt ostracized or anything. Actually whenever I came home I felt like nothing had changed and my girls still loved me. Now in college I had basically no drama and not to much responsibility so I was always upbeat and able to deal with the drama. It didn’t wear away at me and I felt like a confidant that was needed. (I have my own control issues which is a completely different blog)

When I came back home to attend grad school in state I was excited to be with my girls again (Drama girl, High school teacher, MAC girl, Hairstylist). I came back and we had a great year of partying and fun, but Drama girl was bartending and partying a lot so she had a second group of work friends so it was a perfect balance of time spent with her. Right around this time though Drama girl decided she was going to move down to FL since she went to school in she never went away and that it would be good for her to be on her own (she never moved out of her house while attending college). I was happy for her but knew I would miss her. All aside I do love Drama girl and she can be fun, smart and a good friend when she is not drunk or fucked up, I digress.

So for the next 3-4 years she was down in FL and we would do the catch up calls and visits, etc. but for the most part since there was little time to spend there was little time for drama.

Well fast forward to today….Drama girl moved back and brought her man with him. She has been home only about 2 weeks and has already gotten so smashed and proceeded to tell all of us girls what bad people we are. Last night the guys got together of my place to watch the game and all the ladies went over to Hairstylist place for a girls night. She was so drunk and a nasty drunk at that. Last night I wanted to murder her. She brought up an issue she had with something I said; now even though she was drunk I could understand where she was coming from and I apologized. I am not perfect, I fuck up, I am flawed, it happens but she kept harping on it. UHHHH hello I just fucking agreed with you and apologized. What the hell am I supposed to do; I can’t go back in time and change it. Fine then she starts to tell me I am a bitter person and it is all due to S. and the biggest mistake of my life is to marry him. Ahhh OK you have your right to your opinion but in the end it is my decision. Fine after listening to her slur and cry, laugh, and make no sense I got her back in.

The girls are more and more irritated with her since last night we all wanted a fun girl’s night with wine and Drama girl was being a nasty horrible drunk. She would tell my girl Hairstylist to fuck off and think we were giving her looks, etc. WHAT! Are we still in high school?

So she starts bitching about wanting to go over to my place to be with her man. OK I will bring you back there but I am coming back to the girls’ house to hang out. I bring her drunken ass over and drop her off when she asks why I am leaving? I just told you I was and she was getting mad. At this point I am like fine, be mad I don’t fucking care. I told the guys have fun and went back to the girls’ house.

All the ladies are mad and irritated at Drama girl ruining the night and we continued to hang and drink wine while trying to salvage some part of the evening. About an hour later the guys came home so I went back to my condo and I asked S. how the rest of the night was with Drama girl was. He continued to tell me how Drama girl wanted to talk to him and she went on and on about how happy she was for me and him. How we are perfect for each other and how we are going to be so happy. FUCK THAT….you are so hypocritical it makes me want to puke. I got so fucking heated. She was yelling at me for something of the similar nature and then you go on and on for an hour telling S. the complete opposite. Fucking Christ I can’t handle her and all this shit. I do not have the stamina and truth be told….we all have enough bullshit in our lives with family, relationships and work to have a person who is supposed to be my friend act this way.

So I ask myself why am I friends with her…I know we have been friends forever and she is good in a lot of ways but maybe I am changing or she isn’t? I don’t have the ability to deal with the constant drama day in and day out like I could when I was younger. She told me I was getting bitter and maybe I am a bit. I don’t know if it is bitter as more…I am not taking shit anymore so don’t think you can spoon your crazy off on me anymore. So I am not the QLC girl who would just smile, and bend over and take it. Not anymore and I am tired of over extending myself as well. So I have changed and if she considers it bitter I guess I am. I say it proud too because I have had a lot less emotional distress because of it.

I am very irritated and I am sure Drama girl and I will continue to be friends (it’s been like ten years) but sometimes with anyone you love, you just don’t like them very much right now.

Worth all the pain

All I can say is every woman in America should go to a male review! It is so much fun and not as bad as you would think. The show is campier than anything, but the guys definitely show the women a good time. I will give you a play by play of the evening so you can get an idea of how much fun the night can be.

I get out of work and as I am driving home realize that I have a great plan to save me and the ladies some money. If you are a bachelorette party the bride gets in free and everyone else is half price. So we split the money down the line evenly but we saved everyone like 15 dollars by purchasing a tiara, sash, and beads for the ladies. I am the only one with a ring so we decided it would be my mock bachelorette party. Hmmm I like the sound of that.

So we meet up at my girl Social work girl’s house and start to drink…started out with a shot and a vodka mixed drink. My girl Party girl (can party like an alcoholic man) gave me a different shirt to wear in sprit of my mock bach party. Now this shirt was a white baby T with two pink hand prints on the boobs and showed my midriff off quite nicely. After a few laughs and shots we drive to the venue and continue to drink. We get in and realize I am the only “bachelorette” which causes more and more people to offer shots. Hmmm Quarter life crisis girl turn down a shot? I THINK NOT….this ends up bad later but fun at the time. Before the show started they did a raffle for the ladies where you can win the chance to rub down the dancers before they hit to floor. Well, well, well guess who won….Oh yeah I did!

So as I go in the back and rub down this amazing specimen he basically smacked my ass as I was leaving. Errr this is definitely different than the female strip club where touching and grouping is highly forbidden. I am giggling and return to my girls. Eventually the show starts and I am put in the hot seat for a bit. Basically the hot seat in on the stage and the dancer gives you a lab dance and when I mean lap dance I mean he puts his face in your crotch, caresses you as he gets naked, hehe! It was fabulous and I did enjoy his nice tan ass. The ladies got some great pictures and video….hmm remembers to never run for president. After that I continue to drink….now this is where it gets hazy. Uhhhh more like I don’t remember a fucking thing.

Apparently we went to three more bars and I just kept drinking…until the upchuck reflex kicked in. I was very good about not puking anywhere public but the next thing I remember if being put in a cab home. I remember slurring something about not taking the long way home and screwing me out of money to the cabbie which made no sense because I just threw him a twenty anyway without waiting for the change. I somehow made it into my condo. (Thank god for old people who go to bed early) and passed out. I woke up with the worst headache and hangover and realized I am getting old. So old that I slept most of the day away and did not drink at all while attending a party on Saturday. So basically the whole weekend was kind of ruined due to some hot stripper’s ass, but hey I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Catholic guilt and testicles

Whooo hoo it is Friday which everyone knows for corporate bitches like myself is the best day of the week. All I have to do is pretend to work for about 6 of the eight hours today until that wonderful clock turns to five. Tonight holds a great treat as well. As I mentioned before….ALL MALE REVUE! Ohh yeah, I know I seem really excited but I also feel like it pushes to my female lib side as well. I constantly feel like women get the shaft. I know we are emotional, nesters, etc but come on who doesn’t like looking at hot guys getting naked. Plus I understand the whole fantasy concept. I love S. and fantasizing about another man does not make me love him any less or want to cheat. That is probably why strip clubs don’t bother me as it does some of my other girlfriends. Do not get me wrong if my man was going every night wasting money on other chicks’ tits then I would be pissed but the occasional stag or trip with the guys just doesn’t phase me. Plus usually means some hot sex at the end of the night too.

On the work front I am kind of bugging out because another person is leaving from my department which means way too much work and not enough people. This is compounded by my complete lack of motivation because I too want to leave. I have been putting resumes out there and hoping for the best. I wanted to yell at him because now I am going to look like a bigger bitch for leaving anytime soon. I know I shouldn’t care since they wouldn’t give two shits about me but sometimes my catholic guilt (years of private school will do that) gets to me. Only good thing is that it shouldn’t be an overnight thing, since we all know corporate job hunting and hiring is about as slow as my grandmother, but still it takes awhile to train at my work so I would basically be fucking over my department.

Ok, OK need to stop worrying about my job and think of six packs, glistening bodies and balls in my face. A smile is already starting….

P.S. question for everyone what is the shortest you have stayed at a career type job before you left?

The week is looking throbbing and hard...I mean up!

This week is starting to look up. At the beginning of the week my boss was a complete bitch and flipping out which is no surprise since we are losing another engineer and the work load is insane to begin with. She gave me a hard time and I reminded myself over and over to not go postal on anyone. S. of course gets the brunt of my work venting since I know better than to vent to anyone within this company walls, you never know when people will open their mouth for their own sake. By doing this I have kept everyone on good terms and never had a complaint for 2 years. So S. is amazing at calming me and letting me release my anger with bitching and sex.

Well low and behold I get home yesterday and S. had drawn me a bath, was making dinner, cleaned up the condo, doing laundry, and ran all these errands for me. Can I tell you how much I love this man…I about fell over from just how amazing it felt that he did all that. So in return we went out with some friends for a few drinks (S has off on Wednesday so he always goes out) and I left early and made sure to order pizza and keep it warm for him. When he came home at 2 am he was ecstatic since you can’t find an open pizza joint at that hour. Sometimes it is so nice to do little things for each other. I am sooo corny I know but come on….sometimes you have to share the good things about your partner right?

The end of the week is looking fabulous as well. Going to get some six packs and balls in my face….AKA a male review! I am so excited and cannot wait for Friday. Seriously I think it is unfair that men have strip clubs everywhere and women do not have the same. Now I know there is no where near a market since most women are not comfortable with their sexuality but come on ladies the tides are turning, women are opening up sexually! Let’s make a market! Hmmmm maybe that is what I will do in the future open up a chain of strip clubs for women! Let’s see what would be a good name?

Martini Balls’
Cock and Wine
Six pack Luv

Hmm need to brain storm more….

Halloween 2007

Halloween is still one of my favorite holidays of all time! The party went well and when I say well I mean “I can’t remember too much of the late evening but the stories people are telling me are funny.”

Friday was low key with just MAC girl hanging over at our condo with S and I. She was a jem and brought over my favorite beer Blue Moon. We watched an advanced showing of “Tell me you love me” which is my new favorite HBO series. Now that we have Cox cable we have “On demand” which for some reason puts episodes of them on early. Do not ask me why but the heavens above must know that letting me see this early is almost as amazing as an orgasm. It was so nice to sleep in with S. and get some morning knookie around 11am.

Saturday during the day was busy I went to get my ring checked out (have to do it for the lifetime guarantee) pick up gift certificates for the party, get my nails done and get last minute stuff for my costume. Then I got home and set up my wireless internet (finally) so I can use the laptop anywhere in the apartment. Sometimes I wish I could blog at home but they risks S finding out. Plus I hate when people erase histories on the computer it basically means you have something to hide.

So as the night progressed I got myself ready for the Halloween party. Can I just complain for a second as to why as women we go through so much shit to look hot? I took a shower, blew dry my hair, straightened it, put a padded water bra on, fishnets, a body cincher, then the infamous painful but hot stripper boots. My feet are still aching from the party. I get everything on and go to the party. I immediately start with a beer bong and continue with shots, beer pong, flip cup and numerous mixed drinks all night. I was sooooo drunk by midnight, but a fun drunk. No drama, no fights, no crying, just laughing and good times. I apparently couldn’t stand my boots any longer so took them off and walked back to the car with just my fishnets covering my feet. Actually S. called it from a mile away. He said “You are not going to make it all night in those boots!” Good thing I didn’t bet him any money.

Part of the night is a blur but S. took really good care of me and was more sober overall. We got a DD to bring us home and I passed out immediately. When I woke up early (fucking body why can’t you stay asleep) my head felt like I had been hit with a 2 x 4 over and over. I was apparently coordinated enough to wash my face (yeahh) so luckily I didn’t have my makeup smeared all over me. I looked over and S still had his makeup on. He was dressed as prince so he had a dark mustache and sideburns covered dark but his gorgeous red hair was visible since he took off the wig earlier. While we had sex that morning I had to do everything to not laugh. I just closed my eyes until I reached orgasm.

Later after a nap and a failed attempt to try to get rid of my pounding headache we went back to Truck driver apt and helped clean up. I did not part take in the finishing of the keg since I was still recovering. Sometimes I have no idea how these guys recover from the previous night so quickly. Maybe I am just getting old. So I am back at work and want to rip my eyes out or at least been smart enough to call out.

Sluts and drinking

This weekend is the best time of year for me. HALLOWEEN! I love to get dressed up and dress up slutty at that! Basically all of us girls should say what are costumes are
Slut 1
Slut 2
Slut 3
With little variation. Slut one kind of resembles a cat, slut 2 kind of represents a police officer, etc, etc. but overall they are basically the same outfit and I must admit it, I LOVE IT! What other time of year can I pretty much dress in nothing and not have people think I am an actual slut.

I will be curious as how this weekend goes since every year we throw a huge Halloween costume party with open bar, beer pong, a DJ and everything. Last year we had over 100 people and it was a blast. Well at one point I got so drunk that at the end of the night I started a fight with S…hmm need to remember to not be psychotic emotional train wreck when I drink. Sometimes booze just brings out the worse in me.

I am a total drunk crier. I cry about everything. Sometimes it’s about good stuff and sometimes its lame crying. I can remember when S and I got first got together I got so blasted that apparently I cried about how great he is and how happy I was. I am sure it was super attractive to have your new girlfriend with mascara and eye makeup smeared all over her face looking like a hooker that has been beaten up a bit. Sometimes I am surprise S hasn’t run for the hill, hehe JK.

The clincher is always Yeager and Jack. As soon as I start doing shots of hardcore liqueur I won’t stop and I continue to drink until I pass out, black out or cry. Hmmmm those are not wonderful endings to the night since even though there might be three possible endings I am always sure to wake up with a massive hangover. Plus as I am getting older (not too old) my body is not recovering as I used too.

I remember being able to go to school, sports practice, work and then party all night. I would go to raves or drink, etc and especially on the weekend. I was notorious (with my girls) to go to a rave on Friday, and Saturday with no sleep. Then in college I would drink 6 nights out of the week.

Mondays were margaritas, Tuesday was Karaoke, Wednesday was dollar pitcher night, Thursday was a local sports bar, and Friday and Saturday were spent in downtown. WTF! How was I able to do that let alone afford it? Sometimes I do question whether I am an alcoholic, but then I remember that wine is classy so there is no way I am one…..

Hypocrites and religion

Can I tell you how annoyed I get with people and their skewed view of religion! I had a discussion with a coworker (he is a doucebag to begin with but that is beside the point) about how Gay people are wrong, blah, blah, blah. His spouts out “That isn’t natural; God didn’t intend for that, the bible says is it a sin.” Well then I replied with a few points

1. Hmmm do you mind a woman on a woman? BIG fucking surprise that doesn’t bother him just men on men.
2. If the bible says it’s a sin and sinning is so wrong then why are you getting a divorce, cheating on your wife, having sex before marriage? Why are you not so against these things?
3. Wasn’t Jesus forgiving and not brim stone and fire with the people he hung out with back in the day? Technically he hung out with the lowest of the low and never shunned them or told them they were disgusting and going to hell.
4. What about back in the day when closed minded individuals considered a black and white person being together disgusting (my coworker is African American)? Was that a correct thought or just closed minded?

Do not get me wrong everyone has there opinions and a right to them, but how can you be a hypocrite and pick and choose parts of religion? Even though I am catholic I believe that the bible is mostly crap. (Hopefully I will not be struck down by a higher being) You are talking about men writing down what Jesus supposedly said. Uhh hello has anyone ever played telephone? The first scientific record of the New Testament was dated to be written 40 years after Jesus died (this was found through historical facts and carbon dating). So you are telling me things didn’t get skewed by time, and cultural influence. FUCK that….I am not a saint and not a fanatic catholic but I hate people who use religion to put others down.

I can only hope his only son turns out to be a great amazing flaming gay!

Upates

I am exhausted so there will be no long blog today but a few updates nonetheless.

I have decided that my group of friends and I can make a reality show about our lives. We wouldn't even need scripting since craziness is everywhere. Fights occuring, drunkeness, hookups, injuries, and anything else you can think of. You might be thinking, oh dramatic girls but most of the references from above are the guys in the group. Hehe guess the tides are changing and men are embracing their dramatic queen side.

Halloween is coming up so let the craziness ensue. I have three, count em three costumes to decied from although I now think I am attending two halloween parties so at least 2/3 of the costumes will be used.

I need to lock myself in on Sundays, somehow a baby shower (so inform you of the craziness behind that later) became a 7 hour drink fest. It was hard to turn it down because my girlfriend Drama Queen moved back from florida. Drama queen is always the life of the party and can drink like a sailor, but she is exactly what her name describes. So like a bad after school special I succumbed to the pressures of good food, long islands and ciggerettes...until midnight! I am always feel shitty on mondays. Need to stop drinking (yeah right who am I kidding)

Not looking forward to tuesday...sure I will get no sleep due to S going out, getting drunk and snoring all night. I will not kill my fiance, I will not kill my fiance.

I bought some new clothes this weekend which felt great. I always feel guilty hence I usually don't spend alot on myself. Well three outfits and four pairs of shoes later I feel really guilty.

I will write more detailed accounts of the weekend when I get my head out of my ass...FUCK it's only 11:30! DAMMIT!

My addiction

Hi my name is Quarter life crisis Girl and I have an addiction. I am addicted to Craigslist forums. I constantly look on different forums during the day that it is starting to affect my work and mood. I get mad at everyone when people do not post.

I am so serious that I love the forums on Craigslist…including LTR, women’s issues, wine, and fixit. I love sometimes going on forums that I have no business being there and checking out people and sometimes the crazy trolls. Divorce is a sad one to go into because you see the bitterness. Frugal is funny to see how ridiculous people can be to save. I am a girl at heart so women issues and LTR are definitely where I spend a lot of time. The rant and raves are pretty funny as well. People for the most part already know the answer but just want to hear it over and over again. He slept with my dog and cat should I stay with him? I impregnated other women should I tell my wife? WHAT the hell? Now do not get me wrong I am no better since I love to lurk on these forums but sometimes I am amazed that these people can even type let alone function in society. Sometimes there are truly heartfelt stories where I feel for them and offer some help and sometimes I just fall out of my chair laughing hysterically because the stories are that good.

I cannot access certain parts of CL from work for obvious reasons. The kink forum and personal ads are off limits, yet I can look up naughty blogs? Weird I know, but I gather the IT team looks at websites that are visited the most (aka Myspace, Meet up, etc) and ban them. Websites with any type of sexual content, booze, or fun is off limits. Alright I know we should be working like busy little bees all day long but come on lets get serious, nobody is getting paid enough to not surf a bit online at work. So I continue to feed my addiction with CL and of course all the crazy, great, honest, true to life or lives I wish I had blogs. So to all I say LOUD and PROUD I am addicted to CL and you my fellow bloggers. Now where are the donuts and bad coffee?

New found openness with the rents.

This last Sunday I had my parents over for dinner which I totally realized that now that I am an “Adult” that they are fucking hilarious. Now I have always been close with my mom. Strangely close since I was about sixteen, now the reason I say strangely is because most teenager girls were at war with their mothers around this age and felt that their mother did not understand them. My mother on the other hand was somehow able to make me feel like she understood and at the same time she was still a disciplinarian. Now this should not be to surprising since she was a hippy who went to Woodstock (fucking crazy HUH) and she also got thrown out of her house when her parents found out she was sleeping with her long term first love (scandalous back then). So she understands that children make mistakes and that usually talking to them works better with the punishment at hand. Plus I always felt like she remembered how is was to be younger whereas most other parents forget.

So back to the topic at hand, after a wonderful dinner (S. of course whipped up a delicious chicken and Spanish rice dinner) and a couple of bottles of wine you can see my parents letting go more and more. They are dropping F bombs and generally being hilarious. Although the moment I knew it all changed and for the best was when my dad started talking about the human population and its lack of knowledge about politics.

He stood up and said “I always thought of the United States population in one big circle butt fuck. They are fucking each other and getting fucked!” as he demonstrates with a thrusting pelvis.

That is the moment I knew my parents saw me as a friend and not only a daughter. Hehe, the question is what more is going to come from this new found openness….orgies that relate to medicare?

Reveiws

It is that time of year in the wonderful world of corporate world….you may think thanksgiving, or Christmas? Oh No it is review time! The smell of fear and resentment is in all the halls reeking all around you. It is so funny to think that people really get upset over reviews. Now if it would directly affect your pay then maybe I would be concerned but in all honesty we get the same inflation raise every year about 2-3 %. If you get a real promotion which does not occur around the same time, then you will get a 10 % raise. Well with my pay it is not a huge difference so that is probably why I do not care.

When it comes to filling out your assessment I always get confused. I start to over analyze the psychology behind it (typical woman I know). Do they want me to come off confident and invincible? Do they want me to be humble? Both? Just offer my body? What? Then I realize I don’t care and I give the easiest answer.

On a side bar I am lucky to not have any real responsibilities a.k.a children…hence no one is depending on me to feed them or keep a roof over their head. So if my boss feels like firing me I would collect unemployment (I always wondered how that works but that is another story) and work as a stripper or bartend.

My boss Bull Dyke (I actually like my boss most of the times and I say that term in a good way) calls me in and basically tells me how wonderful I am, nobody has ever complained about me (uhhh hello I work with all men and I have a vagina, a heartbeat, and not hideous), fantastic attitude, and intelligent….but. You have to love that “but” right? It’s like they are prepping you for the worse. Why don’t you just say…life is wonderful but you will be dead soon, or everyone else in the world will be happy but not you. OK back to my story so I am wonderful but I need to pay attention to more detail. DETAIL? Well ok she is right…I just don’t care, and not because the details aren’t important (some are and some aren’t’) but I just don’t care about this job. I do not see the current workplace as a real career path. I of course cannot say this so I do what I always do, bend over and take it. Now do not get me wrong, if I felt she was wrong I would not agree or take it lying down but she was so I did. Why is it we are forced to take jobs that have nothing to do with anything we want to do just so we can do what we want eventually (whew say that fast)? Part of me is going to feel bad if I get the other job I interviewed for since they need all the help they can here..just not bad enough to not take the job and get a real fucking raise.

P.S. I will not kill my fiancé! I will not kill my fiancé.

Catch phrase is banned!

ON Friday you could tell how great of a mood I was in with my job right? Well the day got better when I find out 10 minutes before we leave that there are two, count them two major accidents on the freeway I go home on. I already have a 35 minute commute and it was reported that one of the accidents caused all 4 lanes to be closed off!

Ok. QCG get it together make a plan. I map quest alternate routes home and one with absolutely no highway. Granted there would be more stop lights but an hour home was better than nothing.

I was wrong….dead wrong! Apparently I am not the only egg head to find another path home. EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE STATE did too. A trip that should take an hour took almost three. Needless to say I did not do anything that night in fear of stabbing someone. P.S. thanks truck driver for ruining my Friday night!

So onto Saturday… S actually had the day off so we slept in which was great and then we ran articles all day. Best part of the errands was the shopping for women’s pants so S can dress up as Prince for Halloween. I am talking Purple rain prince, oh yeah! There is nothing better than having your man go into a fitting room in a chick store and finagle his body into tight black pants. He had gained a little more insight into the slight of women and dressing well is like and I gained a laugh.

After finishing painting closets we went to my married friends’ house for Oktoberfest which was so much fun. Sauerkraut, appetizers and fall beer was amazing mixed with great friends until….

We all decided to play catch phrase. Catch phrase is basically charades with words and a timer. We in are older age seem to be getting into playing games when we are drunk. The thing is this game seems to bring out the worse in anyone. Yelling, screaming, anger, throwing things and general craziness comes with this game. Yet we continually think (when we are blasted) it will be different this time.

We pick teams and then at one point of the game two brothers start to yell at each other. When all of a sudden out of nowhere my good friend Truck driver comes over and hit one of the brothers in the head and goes for the next. The whole room goes into frenzy and craziness ensues. Do not get me wrong we have all seen fights but at the same time we are all starting to hit our thirties, isn’t this shit for when you are 16? I have decided that Catch phrase is banned from our group of friends…or until I am drunk again!

I will not..

Kill my Boss, I will not Kill my Boss. FUCK HER, FUCK THIS COMPANY.....I so need to get that other job!

The kitchen counter

As I walk through the door I put down the millions of bags I had target shit in and go to put some groceries away when all of a sudden I feel strong head rubbing my back, caressing me up and down. Slowly the strong hands start to undo my work slacks and remove my shirt. I can feel the temperature rising and we did it like animals on our kitchen counter! Full fledge, like the first months we dated, and fucked 8 times a day, hot sex and it was fabulous.

It’s so weird sometimes because I talk to my girlfriends and they are not into the random sex anywhere. Granted we all have been with our men for a while if not married but I swear some of them don’t have a sex life at all. After 4 years S. and I have sex almost everyday, and I don’t want it any other way.

I am opposite of most women in that when I am stressed and pissed at life I love to have sex. When I cum I forget about everything and it makes me feel like nothing is that big of a deal. I also somehow use it as validation (this could be good or bad) that S. still thinks I am sexy. I tell him over and over the day you stop trying to fuck me on a daily basis is the day we are going to have problems.

My girlfriends comment “I can’t believe you like to just fuck like that, he just comes up and takes you.” My response “HELL YA, I want hit me over the head, cave man hot sex sometimes.” Don’t get me wrong S is so good with PDA, foreplay, cuddling, talking before, during and after sex and we do have love making sessions, but sometimes I want that uncontrollable “you have to have me” sex. I don’t understand how that can’t make any women feel sexy. There are two reasons (I think with the exception of people with children) either

A. You’re man is not making you orgasm. This could be his or your fault. His if he is just inept but most times women I know don’t know there own body (Masturbation is a girls best friend too), or too afraid to be vocal in sex.
B. Or you are gay

After our christening of the kitchen counter I was like “Oh going to have to clean of the counter after that. Not very sanitary, hehe!” He turned around and said “Ha-ha, QG you think I care about the counter I eat you out on a daily basis and you think being on the counter is a big deal? Hahaha! Way to get domestic on me.

Closeted blogger

I realized I am a closeted Blogger.


(Remember when Tom Cruise was in the closet on south Park? Love that shit!"

I feel this "closetness" is necessary so that I can write and express everything and anything. I can be as crazy, hurtful, outspoken or retarded as I want. I found out how it might feel to be exposed as well. ONE WORD (ok well two)

FUCKING SCARY!

A good girlfriend of mine emailed me to catch up since we do not talk on a regular basis and she mentioned my blog. What was going on after she read my blog….MY WHAT! MY WHAT! How the fuck does anyone, I mean anyone know about my blog. My head starts to spin as beads of sweat fall down. What have I written over the last 100 posts, would she know about the people, me, etc? Oh my god, oh my god! I asked her calmly, as pit stains were starting to develop, where did you find it? Her response….Uhh on Myspace silly. Whoooo a stroke of relief flushes my body. She has not found out your secret, your craziness, and most importantly your blogging identity.

I didn’t think it would affect me that much to have someone know about my blog, but truly I have told no one, not even S. about it. I feel if I do I would have to censor or restrain myself. I need this place for the complete opposite of that. I don’t mind people I don’t know seeing this but people I do know might start to look at me differently if not feel hurt from this blog. Let’s face it nobody wants to know what people, even close loving people, think about you all the time. We all have our flaws and even though I love the close people in my life they annoy, hurt, anger me sometime or another as well as I do the same to them. I can hear my mom say “I love you QG but I just don’t like you right now” which is so true. Life is full of up and downs with the people you love (lets face it I probably wouldn’t care otherwise), but this place is my sanctuary and I do not want anyone I know to know about it.

Onto other news….the condo is looking fabulous (just felt like a hot gay man when I said that) and it is getting near perfection. Worked on the custom floating shelves S made me (he is so hot when he builds things) and it is going to look somethign like this but black.



I took the long awaited bath and it was nice. The funny thing is I remember baths being a lot bigger. Guess my 5’10 frame doesn’t help me in that area anymore.

To date S. and I have christened the living room floor, couch, dining table, bed and shower. Next should be kitchen and hallway (JK or am I). For some reason I can’t help but want to walk around naked all the time…which turns S on and then he attacks me.

Note: to people having sex issues, just walk around naked doing everyday things, and confident…this will put vagina and sexual organs in man’s view which renders them helpless.

I need some ass pushing so I go to the gym; I have been horrible since moving in. I have become obsessed with the condo and working on it until it is finished so I do not have to worry about it later. This normally is no big deal except Halloween and my slutty outfit is coming up soon and I do not need to look like a lard ass.

Great weekend but...

I need a weekend for my weekend! I swear I somehow always stay up way to late on Sunday. Overall the weekend was great, and yesterday was amazing. I went to a vineyard with my girlfriend and had a wine tasting. After purchasing some bottles we ate delicious classy (cheese, pesto chicken wraps, Prosciutto wrapped cheese) food overlooking the vineyard. For some reason it is October but it was 80 something degrees yesterday. After the vineyard we went back and somehow I was double fisting it with wine and a bailey’s on the rock. Grrrrr I woke up with a horrible headache and now I am just exhausted at work. Only two more tedious hours.....too tired to type so I will write some more witty banter tomorrow.

Weddings and my persona

Well I start my other new job tonight….Bartender! Yes I am reverting back to collage and graduate school days to help carry the wedding load. Nice to see my advanced degree and experience is worth something right? So in the next few months my life is going to suck. I am going to most likely be working 5-7 days a week. Hence I will have very little life but a nice wedding? Is that a good trade off? Can I just rant for a second….the wedding industry is fucking crazy and inflated. They completely over charge for everything because they can. I so wanted to do Jamaica but my 91 year old grandmother made that impossible so I am stuck hosting a huge Irish catholic breeding wedding. I come from a family of 4 daughters and my dad is from a family of 11 children. Tack on spouses and the lack of birth control and you have somewhere around 60 immediate cousins. Hey don’t get me wrong, I am glad my family enjoys sex even in their old age (ewww) but come on.

Well onto other things, I am waiting to hear from that job. I asked two friends from work to write me recommendations and my coworker Safety guy (whom is recently dating my sister who I set her up with) sent me back a mock response and I just about pissed myself.

From: Safety Guy
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 1:51 PM
To: Quarterlife Crisis Girl
Subject: FW: reference check

Remember all those times you called me douche bag. Well now it’s time for payback. See below for my response (in red).

________________________________________
From: New Company HR lady
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 1:29 PM
To: Safety Guy
Subject: reference check

Dear Safety Guy.

Quarterlife Crisis Girl has applied for a position at new Whiz Bangy Science Company and has listed you as one of her references. Would you be so kind as to complete the following reference questionnaire and e-mail your reply? Thank you,

Applicant’s name QuarterlifeCrisis Girl

Reference Name Safety Guy
Safety & Environmental Department



How long have you know the applicant? About a year and a half.


In what capacity did you interact with her? I’ve never actually worked on a project with her, but I’ve gone out drinking with her on a number of occasions.


Please describe the applicant's job responsibilities. Not sure. All I know is she spends way too much time bullshitting with other employees. Plus when she doesn’t call in sick she is usually hung-over. On the rare occasion that she isn’t hung-over, she is screwing off on the internet or sending out raunchy emails.


Could you provide a specific example where the applicant took a process from start to finish and was the real driving force behind its completion? She’s really good at opening a beer and finishing it. Does that count?


What was the applicant’s greatest strength? She doesn’t forget anything, especially when you piss her off.


What is an area the applicant can continue to work to develop? She sucks at beer pong.


Would you hire the applicant? Actually when you flat out ask the questions, I would probably say no. But I would definitely recommend partying with her.


Nice to know I still have the title of “BEST PARTY ANIMAL EVER”



Cited from: http://www.robertburridge.com/newsletter/artsyfartsy_may07/index.html