Old friends does not always mean good friends.

Ever have that friend that sometimes you think “Why am I friends with this girl?” Well Drama girl is that for me. Let me give you a little background on her first before I rant about last night’s drama.

Drama girl and I became friends in high school. We both went to a all girl private school and she was a year ahead of me. Maybe I should have realized how we became friends that Drama girl was all about drama.

I was sitting in Latin class with my friend School teacher and we were talking in class. I was telling a funny story about a date or something trivial when the teacher started yelling at me for talking. I sulked and kept quiet when out of nowhere a blond hair girl started yelling at the teacher to shut up and let me finish the story. To a teacher she yelled this. I turned around in disbelief as Drama girl got sent to the principals. We were friends ever since then. Drama girl was rough around the edges and so was I but I was an over achiever at school. Involved in everything from sports, NHS, musicals, art club, you name it I was involved in it. Drama girl was known around the school as a troubled girl who was trying everything and anything to get thrown out of school because she wanted to be in public school. I remember the dean of students taking me into his office and having a “talk” with me to examine whether being friends with Drama girl was in my best interest.

Now as we all know in high school your biggest concern is a boy you like, and which friend is getting a car first. So Drama girl and I flourished as friends. She is an only child of a divorced family so we always got to stay out late and I would just lie to my parents that I was “sleeping” over Drama girls when in fact we were sneaking into clubs or hanging out with boys. She was dramatic at times but when you are that young everything seems to be that way. She would cry about some boy and I would clean her up over and over again. She would listen as I lamented about not having big enough boobs to get Johnny’s attention, etc. For a while High school teacher and I got her to realize the world does not always revolve around her and things were good.

College came and I went away to PA for college while most of my friends went to state schools. I stayed in contact with all of them, came home during summers, etc. I was a little out of the loop which was expected but I never felt ostracized or anything. Actually whenever I came home I felt like nothing had changed and my girls still loved me. Now in college I had basically no drama and not to much responsibility so I was always upbeat and able to deal with the drama. It didn’t wear away at me and I felt like a confidant that was needed. (I have my own control issues which is a completely different blog)

When I came back home to attend grad school in state I was excited to be with my girls again (Drama girl, High school teacher, MAC girl, Hairstylist). I came back and we had a great year of partying and fun, but Drama girl was bartending and partying a lot so she had a second group of work friends so it was a perfect balance of time spent with her. Right around this time though Drama girl decided she was going to move down to FL since she went to school in she never went away and that it would be good for her to be on her own (she never moved out of her house while attending college). I was happy for her but knew I would miss her. All aside I do love Drama girl and she can be fun, smart and a good friend when she is not drunk or fucked up, I digress.

So for the next 3-4 years she was down in FL and we would do the catch up calls and visits, etc. but for the most part since there was little time to spend there was little time for drama.

Well fast forward to today….Drama girl moved back and brought her man with him. She has been home only about 2 weeks and has already gotten so smashed and proceeded to tell all of us girls what bad people we are. Last night the guys got together of my place to watch the game and all the ladies went over to Hairstylist place for a girls night. She was so drunk and a nasty drunk at that. Last night I wanted to murder her. She brought up an issue she had with something I said; now even though she was drunk I could understand where she was coming from and I apologized. I am not perfect, I fuck up, I am flawed, it happens but she kept harping on it. UHHHH hello I just fucking agreed with you and apologized. What the hell am I supposed to do; I can’t go back in time and change it. Fine then she starts to tell me I am a bitter person and it is all due to S. and the biggest mistake of my life is to marry him. Ahhh OK you have your right to your opinion but in the end it is my decision. Fine after listening to her slur and cry, laugh, and make no sense I got her back in.

The girls are more and more irritated with her since last night we all wanted a fun girl’s night with wine and Drama girl was being a nasty horrible drunk. She would tell my girl Hairstylist to fuck off and think we were giving her looks, etc. WHAT! Are we still in high school?

So she starts bitching about wanting to go over to my place to be with her man. OK I will bring you back there but I am coming back to the girls’ house to hang out. I bring her drunken ass over and drop her off when she asks why I am leaving? I just told you I was and she was getting mad. At this point I am like fine, be mad I don’t fucking care. I told the guys have fun and went back to the girls’ house.

All the ladies are mad and irritated at Drama girl ruining the night and we continued to hang and drink wine while trying to salvage some part of the evening. About an hour later the guys came home so I went back to my condo and I asked S. how the rest of the night was with Drama girl was. He continued to tell me how Drama girl wanted to talk to him and she went on and on about how happy she was for me and him. How we are perfect for each other and how we are going to be so happy. FUCK THAT….you are so hypocritical it makes me want to puke. I got so fucking heated. She was yelling at me for something of the similar nature and then you go on and on for an hour telling S. the complete opposite. Fucking Christ I can’t handle her and all this shit. I do not have the stamina and truth be told….we all have enough bullshit in our lives with family, relationships and work to have a person who is supposed to be my friend act this way.

So I ask myself why am I friends with her…I know we have been friends forever and she is good in a lot of ways but maybe I am changing or she isn’t? I don’t have the ability to deal with the constant drama day in and day out like I could when I was younger. She told me I was getting bitter and maybe I am a bit. I don’t know if it is bitter as more…I am not taking shit anymore so don’t think you can spoon your crazy off on me anymore. So I am not the QLC girl who would just smile, and bend over and take it. Not anymore and I am tired of over extending myself as well. So I have changed and if she considers it bitter I guess I am. I say it proud too because I have had a lot less emotional distress because of it.

I am very irritated and I am sure Drama girl and I will continue to be friends (it’s been like ten years) but sometimes with anyone you love, you just don’t like them very much right now.

Closeted blogger

I realized I am a closeted Blogger.


(Remember when Tom Cruise was in the closet on south Park? Love that shit!"

I feel this "closetness" is necessary so that I can write and express everything and anything. I can be as crazy, hurtful, outspoken or retarded as I want. I found out how it might feel to be exposed as well. ONE WORD (ok well two)

FUCKING SCARY!

A good girlfriend of mine emailed me to catch up since we do not talk on a regular basis and she mentioned my blog. What was going on after she read my blog….MY WHAT! MY WHAT! How the fuck does anyone, I mean anyone know about my blog. My head starts to spin as beads of sweat fall down. What have I written over the last 100 posts, would she know about the people, me, etc? Oh my god, oh my god! I asked her calmly, as pit stains were starting to develop, where did you find it? Her response….Uhh on Myspace silly. Whoooo a stroke of relief flushes my body. She has not found out your secret, your craziness, and most importantly your blogging identity.

I didn’t think it would affect me that much to have someone know about my blog, but truly I have told no one, not even S. about it. I feel if I do I would have to censor or restrain myself. I need this place for the complete opposite of that. I don’t mind people I don’t know seeing this but people I do know might start to look at me differently if not feel hurt from this blog. Let’s face it nobody wants to know what people, even close loving people, think about you all the time. We all have our flaws and even though I love the close people in my life they annoy, hurt, anger me sometime or another as well as I do the same to them. I can hear my mom say “I love you QG but I just don’t like you right now” which is so true. Life is full of up and downs with the people you love (lets face it I probably wouldn’t care otherwise), but this place is my sanctuary and I do not want anyone I know to know about it.

Onto other news….the condo is looking fabulous (just felt like a hot gay man when I said that) and it is getting near perfection. Worked on the custom floating shelves S made me (he is so hot when he builds things) and it is going to look somethign like this but black.



I took the long awaited bath and it was nice. The funny thing is I remember baths being a lot bigger. Guess my 5’10 frame doesn’t help me in that area anymore.

To date S. and I have christened the living room floor, couch, dining table, bed and shower. Next should be kitchen and hallway (JK or am I). For some reason I can’t help but want to walk around naked all the time…which turns S on and then he attacks me.

Note: to people having sex issues, just walk around naked doing everyday things, and confident…this will put vagina and sexual organs in man’s view which renders them helpless.

I need some ass pushing so I go to the gym; I have been horrible since moving in. I have become obsessed with the condo and working on it until it is finished so I do not have to worry about it later. This normally is no big deal except Halloween and my slutty outfit is coming up soon and I do not need to look like a lard ass.

Guilt

I know i shouldn't but I feel guilty! Guilty that I got S back and I want MAC girl to have the same. Not per se with her asshole ex (whom she is still talking to) but with a nice guy. I sometimes wish she was a little more willing to get herself out there. I forced myself to date before S and I got back together. She is more reserved (fun as hell with me) but not with men. So she came over last night (with a bottle of great organic wine) and we just hung out and watched TV. It was good to see her and she got semi excited about a tattoo boy but I wish she would put herself out there a bit more. So we are going out tonight which should be fun (I really shouldn't spend the money) since we always have a blast. I need to watch my intake because i am doing lunch with Mamma dukes, but who am I kidding I am going to get shitfaced. I guess I just feel bad because she is still hurting and I never want to see my friends that way. Say a prayer she meets the man of her dreams tonight.

Men and loser friends?

OK..I have to keep it together. Tonight is really the first night that S is going out without me since we have lived together. This does not sound like a huge deal but he is going out with Loser Slut Scrapper boy who used to be a good friend (if you call someone like that a good friend) which makes me feel unsettled. Why is it every man has that one friend who is a piece of shit? This guy has been in and out of detention centers, and arrested numerous times, slept with hundreds of women, had STD’s, and has consumed more drugs than I can even mention. Now do not get me wrong we all have our vices but these guys are getting close to 30 and he is still acting like a shit head. He has no real career or education. So sue me that I feel weird about my man going out with a guy who participated in a gang bang. I know it isn’t right and I should trust S. but sometimes the damage he has done is making it very hard. I know all night I am going to be thinking he is either getting arrested or with Loser slut scrapper watching (god forbid participating) him fuck some girl on a pool table in front of everyone! (Yet another true story for Loser Slut boy). FUCK why I can’t just not think about it. I think it is going to be a sleeping pill night. Yes, that’s it a sleeping pill night. Let’s see if I am still with this man in the morning or I am hawking a ring, finding a new place and going on vacation. I will keep you posted on whether S. steps up to the plate or succumbs to pressure of his fucked up peer

Single again....

Well today has been better. I think the weather and spending the night with S. on Sunday was still lingering yesterday. So I went over to the other building on my work campus and flirted with Safety guy. Safety guy approached me a long time ago for a date but I was still with S at the time so I politely declined. He is cute, older and funny as hell but 2 slight problem that I can’t believe I am going to even going to mention (well one more than the other). He has a bald spot, and he has an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I am more freaked out with the bald spot can you believe that! I can’t believe I am that shallow. I have never been that way, or maybe I have. I don’t have to have the most gorgeous guy in the world but there are a few things that turn me off and that is one of them. Safety guy does send me hilarious emails and banter which make me laugh my ass off so maybe I will keep talking to him. I have not mentioned that S. and I broke up because I don’t want to be barraged with him asking me out. I did forward the happy hour meet up for next week to see if he would go.
As for Greek guy (long story will share later) he has been emailing me as well. He has this intuitive sense and would always email me when S. and I were having problems. He has been one of the only men whom I thought about besides S. as being with over the last 4 years only thing that sucked was the sex. He was weird about it, nervous; acting like he wasn’t interested in that….yet PDA and his affection would be showered on me all the time. I gave him a couple of tries in that department and he failed miserably. Unfortunately at the time love and great sex brought me back to S. well I am quite able to examine Greek guy again since the slut S. likes sex a little too much, maybe someone with a slightly less drive would be good and he was great to hang out with.
Last but not least on the single life of me, I set up a match profile and put some new pics on my Devil…I mean Myspace and I have gotten responses already so let the dating commence. I know S. will be out there sleeping around so why can’t I go out and have some fun (not sleep around but dinner and a laugh)? Only thing that sucks is that I have to see him at a wedding in about a month and a half, so I have to find a suitable date and I have to continue to look fabulous. Hmmm maybe I won’t even care what he thinks by then (hmmmm who am I kidding). I will post a little more later….(this is so great to be able to put all my shit out there totally open and honest).

Can I be any more lame...

I so need to put my crazy emotions out there…this blog is definitely therapeutic for me. So I started the weekend out going strong “KEEP the hate alive” has been my motto and it seems to be working. No contact with S. and I was doing good. Work was insane (I will post a whole other blog about that) so when 5pm came around I actually went to happy hour with co-workers and I had a pretty good time. Around 7pm I had gotten a hold of a new friend we will call Leslie and we agreed to meet up since she had recently dumped her super toxic boyfriend as well. She brought a friend which we will dub bootylicious and we had a couple of glasses of wine and headed out to the bars near my house. We had a good time and it was nice to laugh.
I hate when you are the only single girl out of your core group. I love my friends and they try very hard but they are all wrapped up in their own lives to be around as much as I would like them to. So I have been reaching out to new people which is a good thing.
Came home and passed out, the single life is not helping my liver what’s so ever and I seriously need to relax but of course the birthday party on Saturday for my girlfriend Hairstylist was going to be interesting. Her husband is best friends with S. and he was somewhat disinvested. I did not feel bad at any point because I offered to go away for the weekend and let S. go but Hairstylist was not having it. I stopped by my mothers arts dance charity event for a bit and then went over Hairstylists and began to drink heavily. The night was fun and started to get blurry by the end, I luckily just passed out and that was that.
I wake up with a wicked headache and to numerous calls from the Toxic S. and apparently my friends saw this and kept deleting the call log. Well Toxic S. is persistent and I awoke to “I miss you baby”..BABY that’s what I get after 4 years a “baby”. I was so irritated and pissed, he was probably so drunk he didn’t know which fucking baby he was texting. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I had a great workout due to him even with a hangover. He texted me in the early “Sorry I called you I just miss you, no response necessary” and at first I wasn’t going to respond but I did. “I miss you too but you did this all, it sucks wish I was enough for you.” Then nothing….all day I went to the gym, cleaned my house, watched a movie and then went over to Hairstylists to watch the new shot The Tudors on Showtime. The night consisted of wine and pizza, which was a little hard to take due to not having greasy food for a while but I got down two slices. I began getting more and more tipsy and please shoot me now I called the fucking toxic bastard. I am so lame…his father called me earlier and I wanted to let him know but we all know that is a lie. I just wanted to talk to him because I am so fucking pathetic. A long talk and me visiting (damn him, and my weak ways) we had a good night but when I left this morning I was so mad at myself. It was weird because we talked about how this was the right thing to do and how it is for the best. I even said to him…see we are so open in communication that we can talk about our own breakup. When people tell you to make a clean break they are definitely correct because I felt like shit in the morning and just bolted. I bolted like I was doing the walk of shame in college. I told him I loved him and that was that. I snuck out in hopes that no one would see me. See the pathetic lame woman who keeps allowing herself to care about this fucking piece of shit. I calmed myself as I drove to work and I am feeling better and better. I need to keep reminding me what a horrible person he is. He just lies and lies over and over. The weird thing is I know S. has love for me but he is so screwed up that he can’t offer me what I need or want. This is going to be a rough road ahead although everyday I feel stronger and stronger and I will be able to get over this schmuck and move on. I vow to myself to never let myself get dragged down again by such a toxic person.
On a side note the Greek emailed me back, and hot boy called but didn’t make a date with me yet. More posting will come with this craziness.
P.S. this whole blog will not be about just me dating, but the craziness of this crap is all I can focus on so bear with me.

Bro's before Hoes? Part one

Grrrr yesterday was a bit rough.
I went out with my good friend Cell guy who has always been there and I pretty much know he is really into me if not in love with me, but its weird because since I have known him either I have been involved (with S.) or he has as well. Besides that Cell guy has always been a great friend and so much fun. Sorry I am off on a tangent again, but on Wednesday night we went out to his friend Harpie (will explain later) who I like a lot but found some qualities a little disconcerting.
We went to her apartment drank some wine (my one true weakness) and began discussing our relationship troubles. My bitter diatribe recounted the situation with S. while Cell guy battled with the sex issues with his recent ex and lastly Harpie had a ten year relationship with a emotional abusive manipulative good looking liar. This is the moment I began to dub Harpie her name. This woman is gorgeous, nice, smart, but very bitter and obviously has a thing for Cell guy and in turn Cell guy was very attentive to her as well. They work together and get along very well. So I was a little bit of the third wheel but I was ok. I was a little weirded out to see that Cell guy acted like he liked her like he did with me when we hung out. Hmmm ok so that is why Cell guy has pretty girls as friends.
Honestly it was weird but I didn’t care that much and even said to Cell guy “You should go for it, she seems to be into you.” He was a little taken aback mentioning well what about wanting you, etc. I told him “I love you to death but I am not anywhere near that what’s so ever.” Not that Cell guy is in total “friend” zone (he is attractive) but we are good friends and unless we were in love or I just couldn’t control my attraction for him, I won’t wreck a three year friendship for me to screw him on the rebound.
So conversation of Cell guys ex came up and Harpie just went on a tirade about how they shouldn’t be with her, she’s a bitch, etc. Uhhhh hello I know the ex and she is a sweetheart amazing person except a cold fish in the sack. This does not make her the most horrible person in the world. She kept on it and looked to me more and more desperate for Cell guy. So as Harpie and I are outside smoking I started asking if she was into Cell guy. My premonition (which it was not hard to see) was correct and she really wanted to be with him. I politely said “you need to be careful with the bashing of the ex since they are so recently broken up….you don’t want Cell guy to be with you unless he is fully done with the ex. Resentment could build otherwise.” Then I brought up how I don’t understand how she hates her so much since she is so nice. We debated back and forth but when it comes down to it. WOMEN are horrible to each other if it is over a man. This is one aspect of being a woman I cannot stand. We will turn on each other as opposed to put the blame where it belongs nine times out of ten. We will forgive a cheating bastard and give the single woman the nickname skank whore. Do not get me wrong sometimes this is warranted but men do not exhibit this ridiculous reaction. They are logical and recognize where the anger should truly lie. I felt like Harpie how can you be so cold hearted when you pretended to be friends with the ex (whom I need to reiterate she is possibly one of the sweetest women I have ever met) but are trying to be a relationship breaker for your own gain? How about some comradery? Bro’s before hoes mentality would be nice within the vagina community. I bet a lot less women would put up with as much shit from a relationship and maybe, just maybe men would be forced to think about others feeling (yes I am a little bitter, but I do recognize there are women like this as well)
I think Harpie was a little annoyed at my honesty but I diverted the attention and got us back to laughing. At this point Hot Man (guy I met on Myspace) text me and I texted back and in a little bit of a drunken place called him. We had a 30 minute conversation and it was really nice. He seemed intelligent, funny….and the best trait he was almost in the same exact situation as I. Hmmm both emotionally bitter people just wanting some distraction. This could be perfect. He has either messaged me or talked to me since the say he messaged me so this could be a perfect rebound…..
The story gets more interesting but I will continue it later tonight.

Not too bad..

Well I am holding in there, hanging out with friends, hitting the gym like there is no tomorrow.
I hate the whole divorcee friends thing though. See, one of my best friend StylistExtrodenar (whom I have been friends with for 10 years) met her now husband through S. (his best friend and old roommate for 4 years) so they definately feel the aftermath of this. Last night I stopped over and visited and had not seen them since the horrible saturday night fiasco with S. Stylist had no problem dishing out derogatory comments about S. but I kind of felt bad for her husband. Let's face it even though I love Stylist husband, I would not stop being friends or think negatively about Hairstylist. I cut back on the angery converstation and swtiched the subject.
It was so hard to not ask about it, but I refrained because my anger is still too much.
S. emailed me some bullshit email about learning alot from me (hmm that I built your sorry ass confidence up) and he didn't regret meeting me or being with me (sorry buddy I do not reciprocate that feeling which is no surprise since i was nothing but faithful and supportive to you over the last 4 years) and the infamous I hope you find happiness and I will miss you line. Thank god I am so angry because normally this bullshit lines might work. Too much damage has been done and baiscally I realize he was nothing but a liar keeping me around for support but wasn't ready to be with only one person.
As my good friend Cell guy (I should have dated him instead of S.) states "Keep the hate alive" and another friend of mine MAC (who was recently dumped as well) states "Don't waste the Pretty" I continue to tell myself this over and over....

What is the deal?

So I get home from work last night and actually saw my roommate (we’ll call Sharon) whom has been MIA since she has a new man. Do not get me wrong Sharon is one of my true best friends who was definitely there for me with this whole crazy breakup, back together, breakup limbo crap situation I have with S. She was the true friend who dropped everything and invited me out because she knows how I don’t deal with my own thoughts very well.
On the topic of friends it is crazy how you realize who are true friends and those who are convenient fun friends when you go through something like this. I was surprised because I have some friends whom have been there before when I was falling apart but now really are not. To the point where I ask myself why am I friends with them. My main problem is I am classified as a giver. Our couples counselor (S. and I even tried that) told me that I am too much of a giver to my friends and family and constantly do not put myself first. So when I fall apart (which happens maybe once every two years) and I do not receive the same emotional support I give makes me fall deeper into depression, if not angers me. It was crazy to hear him say you have to stop being the giver or else you will burn out by the time you are 35. I have such issues with this…..why do I have to stop caring about people and giving? Treat others as you would be treated? Am I naïve to this my friends of ten years or more can do that? Apparently now that they are married or in a Long term relationship it is. The bizarre thing is that even though S. and I were together for almost 4 years (not really sure what we are now) I never once not included my friends or flat out dropped everything for them when they needed it (especially with the matters of the heart). Dammit the stress of this is the last thing I need. So the question is do I change my ways to become another selfish person in the sea of many (firm belief that the whole change of taking care of yourself first all the time, etc is the reason that divorce is so high, sometimes it is valid and sometimes not) or do I continue to be who I am (guess coming from a large, strong loving family made me that way) and realize that people will not change and accept them for who they are?

P.S.: S. texted me how he wishes I was there because he was doing laundry and we used to do it together (kind of a ritual)…hmmm is that a compliment or do you not like to fold? What is the deal with this man…..