A Little better

Well the insecurities have calmed a bit, not fully but a bit. I feel like I can't really blame him for the history being there because I don't know when it was looked at and I was on other websites when we were broken up and if he looked on my history it would be there. I am going to give the benefit of the doubt which in the past before all this craziness I would have done. Guess it takes time to get over and don't forget that if he is doing something I will find out eventually since S has always been a horrible liar.
ON to other news my other married coupel friends are throwing us an engagement party at the end of this month so that should be interesting and even better I AM GETTING A NEW COMPUTER. Whoo hoo my computer at work is great but alot of things are blocked that I want to access and my old laptop is about 4 years old and not connecting to the internet! SO I am using the corporate discount and this reimbersment plan so I don't have to pay anything up front. Have to love the corporate world (do just enough little thigns for your drones so they will keep working and not kill themselves). I am going to be a dork and go check on its status right now.....

FUCKING MEN!

Can I please rant like a lunatic bitch for a minute or two! I know nobody likes a whining person but S has this ability to fucking piss me off like there is no tomorrow. Conversation goes as follows

Me: Hey Hun I might be able to get tomorrow off and meet you at the beach, if that is ok with you?
S.: Yeah no problem that sounds good, how are you getting out?
S: Switching up vacation or just calling out?
Me: Switching up days it looks like it is going to be rainy on Monday so if it isn’t a problem could you just give me the address so I can map quest it?
S: Don’t have that as soon as I get the address I will get it to you?
Me: Cool hopefully I will get the ok from my boss for tomorrow or I am going to take Thursday off?
S: Thursday, why are you going to take Thursday off?
Me: Well if I can get tomorrow off it will be cool if not Thursday is going to be sunny too?
S: Whatever go hang out with MAC girl….
He hangs up on me!

What the fuck, you are hanging up on me because of why? I don’t know what day I can get off? I have never been hung up on like that for any reason! I wasn’t yelling, pissed off or anything. All of a sudden he is mad because I made plans tonight after he told me he was going out! What the fuck? He is going out with Frank to his Boss’s house in a little ritzy beach town. His mid life crisis well off boss will pay for everything and show them a good time. Now let’s be honest, they will probably get really drunk and either hit on girls (the boss is single) or go to the strip club. I don’t care but of course Stylist does so I am sure this is not being mentioned. Or I could be paranoid due to the previous post, but basically I don’t want to sit home while he goes out and hang with the guys while I sit home like a good little fucking housewife. I am tired of the guys getting to go out to strip clubs, etc while my only fun is supposed to be shopping or my nails. FUCK that I am not going tomorrow and going to the beach with my friend Jew friend. I tried to find a male review to find some hot eye candy for myself but they all seem to be further away then I would like them to be. She may be a cheap but she is fun, loves to flirt with guys, and get free drinks. Plus she wouldn’t rat me out for the same. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I don’t know how I let this man irritate me so much. I know I have to pick my battles and it is not that big of a deal but what the fuck! Want to punch him in the fucking balls right now!

Love and Hate

I have no idea how one person can irritate and piss you off soo much one minute than the happiest person the next. This weekend we four (I will refer in the future as the foursome which includes S., I and our two best friends who happen to be married) went to Boston to celebrate Franks birthday. We made reservations for a really good restaurant called “radius” which was delicious but took forever.
Here is the clincher. S. is a chef and that is wonderful but he does not realize that he completely comes off as a condescending dick when it comes to food and wine. I apparently have no “palate”. Know what “go fuck yourself”! This coming from a guy who will eat old milk or food with a little bit of mold on it. Do not get me wrong, I know he has years and years of experience with food and wine but I am not a complete fucking retard either.
So over dinner I was getting more and more pissed off but just kept it to myself. So at one point I went to go for a smoke (dinner was over three and a half hours) and S. followed me. On a side note my sister (her and her husband joined us as well) made some snide comment that we must be having sex in the bathroom (yeah right) because once years ago we had sex in their bathroom (so sue me I enjoy sex with my partner maybe she should try it).
He comes out and then begins showering me with compliments and soon enough I am not pissed but elated. So how does this work, am I that easy to calm, or am I picking my battles.
Sometimes I watch Frank and Hairstylist and I am amazed at how she treats him. She pretty much berates him, and is a snot and he just takes it. Is that how married life will be? I pray to god that I never become like that…although maybe S is just being like Hairstylist and I am like Frank taking it up the ass?

Last two days..

Let's see I felt like shit on monday, and tuesday...started to feel better on wednesday (which I had a vacation day) but of course I partied a bit and have gone straight back to feeling like shit. Since I was out of tuesday and wednesday I have no choice but to come to work and get this stupid project done. I guess it is nice that tomorrow is friday and I had a great talk with S. last night about us, marriage, divorce, etc. Sometimes partying can lead to more than fights and problems. Well this weekend should be lots of fun, off to Boston to celebrate our mutual friends birthday. Going to be an expensive weekend which is no surprise with these two. Don't get me wrong I know it will be fun but I need to save. GOD DAMMIT! Fuck saving is alot harder than I thought. How is it I am making more than I ever did in college yet I have nothing monetary to show for it?

Shower is a vessel for enlightenment.

So apparently I am able to reach heights of new enlightenment while I am in the disgusting shower (I have tried and tried to scrub this tub but years of men living there have made it impossible) washing my body. Earlier in the night S and I were just relaxing in the heat watching Top Chef (I love that show) and somehow we started discussing MYSPACE. I had mentioned how I do not understand why men and women try to email people who are in relationships (with sexual intention) and he chuckled in a surprised, I can’t believe you laugh. I cocked my head and replied “What, what was that laugh for?” After a little prodding he replied “You have no idea how easy it is for women? You have all the choices in the world, approached all the time, etc.” First off I wanted to reply “YEAH you better remember that!” which would have been inappropriate and not called for but instead I replied “Hmm never thought about it?” This comment got my brain flowing with thoughts and ideas (doesn’t happen much but watch out when it does) and I went to take a shower. As I was washing myself with antibacterial soup and generic salon grade shampoo and conditioner I started thinking. Men have a much difficult time getting attention, ass, or even a relationship with women (unless you are a superstar or something) while women get approached and seem to have a plethora of options (if you are anywhere close to attractive and are a bit outgoing). YET….women only want one man to be her mate and love while men want tons of women (at least in their fantasies) to fuck. So I guess it goes that you always want what you can’t have. Men will never change the need for diversity (don’t take this the wrong way not every man is a cheater but every man thinks about other women) and women will always dream of that one soul mate bullshit. Why do humans always think the grass is greener on the other side? Can’t we just be happy with what is in front of us?
On another note I applied for a different job that would fit my personality a little more and is about 15 thousand dollars more a year (but that isn’t the real reason I want it….YEAH RIGHT!) Hopefully the slow HR will call me sometime before I turn 50.

I had a great weekend and a lot of fun…although I somehow became known as the “shed girl” this weekend. Friday at work sucked considering I did no work and it dragged out to the point where suicide seemed fun. Didn’t do much that night but Saturday I went to the gym (need to get my fat ass back in gear having a man who likes big asses is good but bad at the same time) and then to my friend Hairstylist parents house for their annual July 4th party. Every year it is bigger and better (open bar, twenty foot tiki bar, DJ, decorations, tons of food and decorations) but honestly I still feel like I am 15 around her parents and have to watch my alcohol intake. I was designated driver as well so I only had two margarita’s (pretty sure they were watered down too) and S. showed up after work. Well he got a little tipsy and went to pee behind the shed. Well I went to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid and when we walked out together all of a sudden Ed (hairstylist dad) was joking about what we were doing behind the shed? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink! What!! yeah right not there and not with family around (I can be a fun fuck but not a family and friends around fuck)…but everyone got a good laugh. So somehow I went from respectable engineer to trashy shed whore…..guess it could have been worse. Could have been trashy garbage pail girl?!

Men and loser friends?

OK..I have to keep it together. Tonight is really the first night that S is going out without me since we have lived together. This does not sound like a huge deal but he is going out with Loser Slut Scrapper boy who used to be a good friend (if you call someone like that a good friend) which makes me feel unsettled. Why is it every man has that one friend who is a piece of shit? This guy has been in and out of detention centers, and arrested numerous times, slept with hundreds of women, had STD’s, and has consumed more drugs than I can even mention. Now do not get me wrong we all have our vices but these guys are getting close to 30 and he is still acting like a shit head. He has no real career or education. So sue me that I feel weird about my man going out with a guy who participated in a gang bang. I know it isn’t right and I should trust S. but sometimes the damage he has done is making it very hard. I know all night I am going to be thinking he is either getting arrested or with Loser slut scrapper watching (god forbid participating) him fuck some girl on a pool table in front of everyone! (Yet another true story for Loser Slut boy). FUCK why I can’t just not think about it. I think it is going to be a sleeping pill night. Yes, that’s it a sleeping pill night. Let’s see if I am still with this man in the morning or I am hawking a ring, finding a new place and going on vacation. I will keep you posted on whether S. steps up to the plate or succumbs to pressure of his fucked up peer

Bad after school special

What the fuck is wrong with me? I consider myself a somewhat intelligent girl (maybe I went to grad school to over compensate?) and yesterday I had full intention of going to a happy hour for a coworker who is leaving, having one beer and then going home. So can someone please answer me how I didn’t get home until 1am and somehow ended up at the strip club with 4 guys?
Ok enough bitching about not dealing well with peer pressure (apparently I am a bad after school special) and not onto bitching about my man. OK I love S. more than life itself but the question is will my insecurities (which are totally warranted after everything we went through) going to make this relationship harder than it should be? I felt somewhat bad for something home late but I did invite him out with my coworkers last night and he declined. I don’t know why I should feel bad, S has come home late drunk and woken me up..yet something in me gets me all worried that he is really angry at me for coming home so late. I am such a fucking typical girl…worrying about shit he probably doesn’t think more than a second about. Then I start thinking he is doing stuff he shouldn’t and I get all fucking paranoid. I can’t believe I am so insecure.
Sometimes I think it isn’t such a good idea me and him? Other days I know it is hard but I know he is the one and only man I could see myself getting old with. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! I think it is bullshit when people say they knew for certain that this was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with? (Hmmm maybe I am the one with the commitment issues, hehe)

The healing rollercoaster..

I don’t know why but the roller coaster of healing is definitely a roller coaster. After the incident on Sunday (reminder I was pathetic and hung out with him) which made me feel shitty, I was doing better by Monday night. I actually just went to my insane cardio sculpting class (on a side note got a compliment on my lunges from the instructor which put a huge smile on my face), watched some TV, made dinner and went online a bit (put up some online profiles but need to actually get paid to pay for a subscription) but all in all was dealing with the loneliness quite well. I actually went to bed early and got 7 full hours of sleep.
Tuesday was ok, and I was feeling better and better. Went to a step class and got another compliment on how I was looking fabulous. It’s funny because the two compliments I got from trainers made me feel better in the last two days than any compliment from a man. My sister had called me and asked to hang out which I agreed and then MAC girl called as well and we went to a local bar we used to always hang out in. It was fun, sang some man hating Karaoke but the surprising thing was when some guys starting hitting on me. I didn’t feel better it just made me miss S. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can I miss a piece of shit like that? I tell myself over and over. SO I accept the shots and start to self medicate which is never good. The lowest point is when I got home to my dark lonely apartment and I did what I told myself I wouldn’t I called. Thank god he didn’t answer but I ask myself over and over why I can’t just let this guy go. I know, I know we have history it wasn’t always bad but the catastrophic mistakes he made should overshadow any good right?
I guess I just feel sad and angry at myself for sticking around so long. His birthday is this weekend which should be interesting. Divorcee friends’ situation will come up and I expect it. I have luckily MAC hanging with me so I won’t be alone. We might go to the southern party city since S. pretty much has claim to the central one. I do not want to go anywhere near there and have sanctioned it (in my head only) as his for a while. Secretly I want his birthday to suck and for him to realize that no one will ever be me or replace me, yet I know I should never be with him. Guess I just want him to be miserable like I am right now. Gross I am so disgusted with myself right now. I am going to make myself go to this new wine tasting event where I know nobody tomorrow. Guess I need to do double gym tonight (need that anyways since I feel so depressed). I will keep you posted on this weekend and how I feel I am going to make an ass out of myself one way or another.