I don’t know why but the roller coaster of healing is definitely a roller coaster. After the incident on Sunday (reminder I was pathetic and hung out with him) which made me feel shitty, I was doing better by Monday night. I actually just went to my insane cardio sculpting class (on a side note got a compliment on my lunges from the instructor which put a huge smile on my face), watched some TV, made dinner and went online a bit (put up some online profiles but need to actually get paid to pay for a subscription) but all in all was dealing with the loneliness quite well. I actually went to bed early and got 7 full hours of sleep.
Tuesday was ok, and I was feeling better and better. Went to a step class and got another compliment on how I was looking fabulous. It’s funny because the two compliments I got from trainers made me feel better in the last two days than any compliment from a man. My sister had called me and asked to hang out which I agreed and then MAC girl called as well and we went to a local bar we used to always hang out in. It was fun, sang some man hating Karaoke but the surprising thing was when some guys starting hitting on me. I didn’t feel better it just made me miss S. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can I miss a piece of shit like that? I tell myself over and over. SO I accept the shots and start to self medicate which is never good. The lowest point is when I got home to my dark lonely apartment and I did what I told myself I wouldn’t I called. Thank god he didn’t answer but I ask myself over and over why I can’t just let this guy go. I know, I know we have history it wasn’t always bad but the catastrophic mistakes he made should overshadow any good right?
I guess I just feel sad and angry at myself for sticking around so long. His birthday is this weekend which should be interesting. Divorcee friends’ situation will come up and I expect it. I have luckily MAC hanging with me so I won’t be alone. We might go to the southern party city since S. pretty much has claim to the central one. I do not want to go anywhere near there and have sanctioned it (in my head only) as his for a while. Secretly I want his birthday to suck and for him to realize that no one will ever be me or replace me, yet I know I should never be with him. Guess I just want him to be miserable like I am right now. Gross I am so disgusted with myself right now. I am going to make myself go to this new wine tasting event where I know nobody tomorrow. Guess I need to do double gym tonight (need that anyways since I feel so depressed). I will keep you posted on this weekend and how I feel I am going to make an ass out of myself one way or another.
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