So low and behold I am having a strong day (greek guy and I talked and it was like old times) and I check my personal email and S. responded to an email I sent like two days ago. Here's what his said and my response.
"you don't have to be sorry I'm sorry I missed your call. I don't know if you want me to pick up but I guess you wouldn't have called if you didn't I'm so confused. Last night I was lying in bed and I realized that I'm a 27 year old man sleeping with a stuffed animal because it reminded me of you I felt a little pathetic but oddly comforted at the same time."
Big surprise on a day i am feeling strong he writes something like that. I have to respond and get my feelings out there. So here is my long response.
"Well if it any consolation I feel your pain. The other night was the first night I really cried (sober and all) over us in a while. I realized it was over….and honestly it hadn’t hit me even the first time we broke up.
I realized I wasn’t going to be with you on your birthday…and I always loved going over the top for you. I hate all of this but deep inside I know why it ended the way it did.
I know this sounds corny but I had an epiphany at work the other day when I heard two songs that reminded me of you and made me realize why shit went so sour. First off U2 “with or without you” which obviously you get why that song got to me but the next was “hate me” by Blue October. I think you signed up for that website because you wanted me to find it and emotionally prepare yourself for what you thought was the inevitable end.
Sometimes I think I should not have been so open about my feelings with you about my fears and thoughts of regrets with you, etc. You wanted me to end it so you didn’t have to (your whole “let things happen so you don’t have to do it”, yet they are usually always a bad thing) and at the same token get some other ass so the end wouldn’t be so bad or at least tolerable. The worst part is that even on our break I had this hope that we would be together. I was truly faithful to you even over the break and I thought we had an understanding. I just thought we went through so much that we could get through anything, but that was so hurtful to see you on such a website. Even if you knew it was me from the emails you were contacting other and had the profile up in the first place. It made me feel worthless and so confused because I thought we had a great sex life (damn you and your moves).
I always wonder what I could do differently (I know its no good to do that) but I don’t want to drive away someone else in the future that I love (hopefully it will happen I doubt it some days) as much as I love you. I also feel like you didn’t always tell me when things bothered you when they upset you unless you were drunk.
Maybe I am over thinking all of it (hmmm that is no fucking surprise) and you just were not into me like you used to. Almost 4 years together and so much up and downs it might not be surprising to want someone else and new. What is it called “strange pussy”? Hehe.
Unfortunately as many qualities of a man I have (not bothered by strip clubs, bluntness, pervertedness, my sex drive) I also am a woman who is a true serial monogamist. See Justin I found everything I wanted in a partner in you (good and bad) and was happy with just you. Not that I wouldn’t be attracted to others from time to time (Colin Farrell, hehe) but I never wanted to ruin what we had for some fleeting attraction. I have done the sex with no emotion (its fun for the night) and found the love and partner sex was so much better (especially when it came to orgasming). I know this is different with men, but that’s one of the downfalls of being a woman I guess.
What’s so weird is when I was crying on Tuesday I just wanted to talk to you. I feel like you died…I lost my best friend in so many ways. I just cuddle with my pillow at night and wake up the next morning on my side of the bed hoping to roll over and find you with your head dug so far under the pillow where I can only see your adorable duck lips. This does not happen and I continue the day with a horrible void.
I even miss calling the Bliss and fighting with John and Nick to get you on the phone. After so long with someone how do you move on to someone else new? This is my dilemma, I have been asked out on numerous dates (which as you know too, everyone keeps pushing me just getting with someone to get over you) and I just feel so numb that putting any airs for anyone makes me sick right now. (I am praying this is not forever because I know you will be with someone soon) With you I was always able to just be myself, good, bad, bitchy, overbearing, silly, corny, and no makeup….so now I have to start over and feel like I need to impress someone. DAMMIT this dating shit (which I am avoiding as we speak) is going to fucking suck. I don’t want to compare everyone to you….that isn’t fair.
So what am I left with, self medicating, crying with my pillow for now, pretending to my friends that I am exciting about dating (so they will stop harping), and the gym (only good thing about the breakup is my banging ass body, hehehe).
I wish things had been so different, I wish you believed in me and you and a good life together. I wish you could be happy with just me. I wish I had not been so open with my insecurities which probably contributed to pushing you away. I wish you had always been honest with me because even with mistakes made when you come clean it makes it just a mistake and not a betrayal. More so I hope I get over this, I hope you are happy, I hope you never fall for someone else again (that is my selfish bitter part coming out, sorry she has been in full swing the last week), I hope we can be friends, I hope all of this isn’t something we regret forever, I hope I will learn to be comfortable on my own completely, and lastly I hope this void will lessen with time.
I am petrified of the first time I see you with someone for the first time. I know I will act cool and fine but I will probably die inside. I guess it is good our friends don’t speak of each other to us. I don’t want to hear that you are doing fantastic and at the same token I never want to hear anything bad is happening to you. How can I be so tormented and on opposite extremes all the time? I hate you, I love you, I miss you, I want you to die, I want nothing but happiness for you, I want you to be miserable forever……this kind of love is not what I expected in a million years. I thought your first love was supposed to be the worst. Well I can tell you mister that is not true. Maybe you were just my first TRUE love and the passion between us was never an issue, just your passion for all women and booze was.
I know this is for the best but I don’t know how to go about it…the clean break seems the smartest way but at the same time that seems so unbearable that it kills me. God I wish I could see you….but I know at the same time it can’t be good. It doesn’t change anything.. You still do not want to get married ever or even have kids (which to be honest all of that really came as a surprise. One question did you always think that way and just not tell me or did something happen to change that?). I guess the truth is love can’t get you through everything (I was always naive and believed that, hmmm the truth definitely hurts). So I guess I am taking it day by day and hopefully the pain will lessen. They say time helps right, how come I don’t feel that yet? I try to be strong but I know sometimes I won’t be so please don’t hold it against me….Sorry for the rambling. Its just so hard to not be able to talk to you (and we know how much I talk). Does any of this make any sense…. "
Who knows he will probably wait a month when I am starting to truly feel better to respond so he can fuck with me again. Maybe Myspace isn't the Devil but S. is? Am I in love with the devil?
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