Thursday, April 19, 2007
HOLY SHIT!
What the fuck…S. showed up with a ring and asked me to marry him! What the fuck is this shit? I have absolutely no idea what the hell he is thinking. I don’t even know what to do; my mind is going a million miles a minute! I told him I have to think about it….I am going insane at work in this cubicle. I have to run like 8 miles, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Surprised and pissed....
OK so I get to work this morning and check my personal email and there is a message from S. WHAT the hell, this guy knows how to throw me off guard all the time. I never expect any contact and then BAM out of nowhere I get an email. It read as the follows
“Today sucked! I couldn't for the life of me get you off my mind for a second I'm totally dreading going to bed tonight the loneliness is going to bore a hole right through me. I miss you so much. I hope you're doing better. My best friend is gone and even though I can't talk to you writing does make me feel a little more at ease at least for the moment.”
What is wrong with this guy, I over and over think….HELLLO you fucking did all this, you ripped my soul out over and over until I was nothing and now you are sad! This kid is such a fucking basket case! Of course it makes me feel good and sad because I miss him so much but I can’t let myself get sucked back into this! I am debating whether to write him back?
I must admit I stalked his Myspace partly to remind me what an asshole he is (I was prepping to see fucking Myspace whores all in his friends list) and to see if he still has my pictures up (which he has yet to take down). I know I know I am fucking pathetic. Hey I have been really good about not looking for over two months and I just couldn’t help myself after a couple of glasses of wine. Of course this crazy guy didn’t take my pictures off and he even changed his quote to “I guess I am a diamond house” (refer to previous post) which means he is stalking my Myspace blog. Even better he put a new song up by Staind called “Everything changes” which the lyrics I guess are very poignant to how he could feel now.
If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?
I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose'
Cause the wounds never heal
But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel
Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real
But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel
When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day
But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could Learn how to feel
Then we couldStay here together
And we couldConquer the world
If we couldSay that forever
Is more than just a word
If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel
What is even more depressing about that song is that we went to see Aaron Lewis this last Christmas play acoustic in a small venue and it was such a great show. I LOVE Staind and he knows that. I always said a lot of his lyrics reminded me of him and now this manipulator is trying to play on that part of my emotions. Why do I fucking care, this is ridiculous! The song is so true thought because no matter how much I love him or miss him I just can’t keep doing this to myself. He will never change! If I got back with him, he would be good for a year.
I actually had a dream about S. the other morning and he basically cheated on me and I woke up remembering why I broke up with him. I felt that horrible gut feeling in the dream and when I woke up it made me realize I am so tired of feeling that for the last three years. I can’t allow myself to be with someone who is so selfish and self destructive, plus I am sure all of this is word vomit. He says all this crap but his actions never follow suite to it. Ok Ok I need to think about something else….
On the dating front, I have a new date with a guy that is a cowboy basically, hehe! He works on a horse farm and seems chill. We had some cute funny conversation last night and are going to meet up on Friday, but one catch is he has the same name as S. which is good and bad. Good because if it goes anywhere I would never slip and say S. name during sex but bad because this dating is supposed to get my mind off S.
“Today sucked! I couldn't for the life of me get you off my mind for a second I'm totally dreading going to bed tonight the loneliness is going to bore a hole right through me. I miss you so much. I hope you're doing better. My best friend is gone and even though I can't talk to you writing does make me feel a little more at ease at least for the moment.”
What is wrong with this guy, I over and over think….HELLLO you fucking did all this, you ripped my soul out over and over until I was nothing and now you are sad! This kid is such a fucking basket case! Of course it makes me feel good and sad because I miss him so much but I can’t let myself get sucked back into this! I am debating whether to write him back?
I must admit I stalked his Myspace partly to remind me what an asshole he is (I was prepping to see fucking Myspace whores all in his friends list) and to see if he still has my pictures up (which he has yet to take down). I know I know I am fucking pathetic. Hey I have been really good about not looking for over two months and I just couldn’t help myself after a couple of glasses of wine. Of course this crazy guy didn’t take my pictures off and he even changed his quote to “I guess I am a diamond house” (refer to previous post) which means he is stalking my Myspace blog. Even better he put a new song up by Staind called “Everything changes” which the lyrics I guess are very poignant to how he could feel now.
If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?
I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose'
Cause the wounds never heal
But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel
Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real
But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel
When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day
But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could Learn how to feel
Then we couldStay here together
And we couldConquer the world
If we couldSay that forever
Is more than just a word
If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel
What is even more depressing about that song is that we went to see Aaron Lewis this last Christmas play acoustic in a small venue and it was such a great show. I LOVE Staind and he knows that. I always said a lot of his lyrics reminded me of him and now this manipulator is trying to play on that part of my emotions. Why do I fucking care, this is ridiculous! The song is so true thought because no matter how much I love him or miss him I just can’t keep doing this to myself. He will never change! If I got back with him, he would be good for a year.
I actually had a dream about S. the other morning and he basically cheated on me and I woke up remembering why I broke up with him. I felt that horrible gut feeling in the dream and when I woke up it made me realize I am so tired of feeling that for the last three years. I can’t allow myself to be with someone who is so selfish and self destructive, plus I am sure all of this is word vomit. He says all this crap but his actions never follow suite to it. Ok Ok I need to think about something else….
On the dating front, I have a new date with a guy that is a cowboy basically, hehe! He works on a horse farm and seems chill. We had some cute funny conversation last night and are going to meet up on Friday, but one catch is he has the same name as S. which is good and bad. Good because if it goes anywhere I would never slip and say S. name during sex but bad because this dating is supposed to get my mind off S.
Monday, April 16, 2007
The weekend Part 2...
Ok so on with the weekend. After the date with the nice Rec. Boy I went to the gym and got ready to go out by taking a nap, hehehe! Well when I woke up MAC girl had called me but so had cute R&D guy. He wanted to meet up in Hartford and since I was going to be their anyway to see a friend’s band play it turned out perfect. Long story short we met up, drank a lot, danced had great conversation and I passed out over at his place. Only made out with him and I wouldn’t sleep with him just because I know he is totally damaged (as well as I) and more so since we work in the same building. He seemed normal in the morning and fun. I tried to make it very clear there is no need to be weird since nothing happened and he seemed cool.
I woke up with a bad headache and had to go to a wedding shower….I am pretty sure I reeked of booze and cigarettes but time was against me. I went and couldn’t eat much but got to talk to a friend of a friend Hippie girl and she had me rolling. I text R&D boy thanks for the ride and then nothing….I think any other time that would have bothered me but honestly I just don’t care. Granted its too bad he was fun but I am so angry with men and have an “I just don’t give a fuck attitude” that as long as the next time I see him he isn’t weird I really could care less.
The rest of Sunday was normal; I dragged my ass to the gym and then went to my friend Kristie and Franks for Sopranos, Entourage and wine. Its hard sometimes to go there considering it is right down the street from S. and they remind me of him since we always did everything together. I almost called him last night but I refrained and it is getting easier and easier. I don’t know how I can feel so strong one moment and so fucking weak the next. This is going to be a rollercoaster of healing I am sure. Thank god for the gym…that shit helps me feel like I can sweat out my issues J
I woke up with a bad headache and had to go to a wedding shower….I am pretty sure I reeked of booze and cigarettes but time was against me. I went and couldn’t eat much but got to talk to a friend of a friend Hippie girl and she had me rolling. I text R&D boy thanks for the ride and then nothing….I think any other time that would have bothered me but honestly I just don’t care. Granted its too bad he was fun but I am so angry with men and have an “I just don’t give a fuck attitude” that as long as the next time I see him he isn’t weird I really could care less.
The rest of Sunday was normal; I dragged my ass to the gym and then went to my friend Kristie and Franks for Sopranos, Entourage and wine. Its hard sometimes to go there considering it is right down the street from S. and they remind me of him since we always did everything together. I almost called him last night but I refrained and it is getting easier and easier. I don’t know how I can feel so strong one moment and so fucking weak the next. This is going to be a rollercoaster of healing I am sure. Thank god for the gym…that shit helps me feel like I can sweat out my issues J
The weekend Part 1...
Well this weekend was definitely crazy, fun and a little much. Lets see first off I went to the happy hour which turned out to be a lot of fun, and I got the cute R&D guy to go, but I found out real soon that he is just as damaged as I am right now. He got dumped by his long term girlfriend of 5 years about a month ago. Hmmm ok this could be good right, two messed up young people coming together….WAIT no that is not good because we work together. So we talked flirted and he asked for my number (I gave it after numerous blue moons, hehe) before he left. Well as I am bounding from one coworker to another (So many people showed up due to the fact that it was 4 peoples birthdays) bantering I start talking to Safety Guy….ended up spilling my guts about S. when Hot gym boy texts me about ignoring his calls, blah blah. I was up front and told him “WE have nothing in common at all, so why are we pretending?” He said he wanted to be friends..Ahhh OK friends should be able to have conversations but that is fine. Ease your ego big man and call us friends. It’s too bad I am not really physically attracted to Safety guy because his personality ROCKS. He is too funny and I love a good sick sense of humor. I definitely had an ego boost all night considering I paid for barely any drinks, convinced a random guy to share his pitcher with me, and even got a guy I yelled buying me drinks.
Apparently men love bitches and this is fine right now because I am bitter and have a wall up. I don’t care if I ever see any of these guys I have been dating or talking to. So continuing with the night….
After drinking till midnight and seeing two coworkers making out whom were so mismatched and in my craziest dreams could not have see that coming, I decided enough was enough and walked Safety guy to his car and gave him a hug goodbye. As I am driving home I am mad, mad at S. and men in general. So I decided to act like a man and call Hot gym boy. I asked him what he was doing and told him to come to his house. He dropped his friends immediately and came home. I basically told him to shut up so we can have sex. He kept trying to talk and although he has a great body and not a bad package I was sorely disappointed with his stamina. I was in and out in 25 mins! I hate having to pretend getting off but what was I going to do, try and talk to this guy. So I left and he made it clear that he wanted me to call him and he doesn’t mind the booty call arrangement. This is good for me but I don’t know if I feel like training him. It was actually a little liberating to act like a man. Although I feel bad to a certain extent, basically I am releasing my anger out on random men when we all know it is coming from S. The worst part is I know this but I also know I am not going to stop. I went home and saw that S. was online and I called. I know I know, shoot me now. BUT before you condemn me I was in a good mood and we had a great talk, well I was good on the phone S. was depressed (probably a fucking act) and we talked openly about everything. I told him I am getting better and better and the not seeing him/sleeping with him was really good for me. It was a long conversation over an hour, but it was nice to talk and hear his voice. I can’t wait for the day when we can be best friends, but sometimes I know that will A. Never happen or B. Take like 10 years and us to both fall in love with someone else. Finally by 3:30am I passed out after a long night…
I woke up early and went to the gym (my saving grace through this whole thing) and then met up with Rec. Guy for an afternoon date. We went to a scrimmage game to the state school. I am not a fan of football but we did more chatting than anything. It was getting cold so we went to a restaurant and I actually ate some greasy bad food which felt like a brick afterwards. Now the thing about Rec. Guy is that he is a sweet normal guy who is not bad but he is kind of boring. We don’t really have the same sense of humor and although he is adorable and a good-looking guy he doesn’t get me excited. So I am going to have to break the news to him that I don’t think it is going anywhere. I made sure to pick up our last lunch so I didn’t feel guilty.
I will continue to the rest of the weekend later today but off to a meeting…
Apparently men love bitches and this is fine right now because I am bitter and have a wall up. I don’t care if I ever see any of these guys I have been dating or talking to. So continuing with the night….
After drinking till midnight and seeing two coworkers making out whom were so mismatched and in my craziest dreams could not have see that coming, I decided enough was enough and walked Safety guy to his car and gave him a hug goodbye. As I am driving home I am mad, mad at S. and men in general. So I decided to act like a man and call Hot gym boy. I asked him what he was doing and told him to come to his house. He dropped his friends immediately and came home. I basically told him to shut up so we can have sex. He kept trying to talk and although he has a great body and not a bad package I was sorely disappointed with his stamina. I was in and out in 25 mins! I hate having to pretend getting off but what was I going to do, try and talk to this guy. So I left and he made it clear that he wanted me to call him and he doesn’t mind the booty call arrangement. This is good for me but I don’t know if I feel like training him. It was actually a little liberating to act like a man. Although I feel bad to a certain extent, basically I am releasing my anger out on random men when we all know it is coming from S. The worst part is I know this but I also know I am not going to stop. I went home and saw that S. was online and I called. I know I know, shoot me now. BUT before you condemn me I was in a good mood and we had a great talk, well I was good on the phone S. was depressed (probably a fucking act) and we talked openly about everything. I told him I am getting better and better and the not seeing him/sleeping with him was really good for me. It was a long conversation over an hour, but it was nice to talk and hear his voice. I can’t wait for the day when we can be best friends, but sometimes I know that will A. Never happen or B. Take like 10 years and us to both fall in love with someone else. Finally by 3:30am I passed out after a long night…
I woke up early and went to the gym (my saving grace through this whole thing) and then met up with Rec. Guy for an afternoon date. We went to a scrimmage game to the state school. I am not a fan of football but we did more chatting than anything. It was getting cold so we went to a restaurant and I actually ate some greasy bad food which felt like a brick afterwards. Now the thing about Rec. Guy is that he is a sweet normal guy who is not bad but he is kind of boring. We don’t really have the same sense of humor and although he is adorable and a good-looking guy he doesn’t get me excited. So I am going to have to break the news to him that I don’t think it is going anywhere. I made sure to pick up our last lunch so I didn’t feel guilty.
I will continue to the rest of the weekend later today but off to a meeting…
Friday, April 13, 2007
Dating update...
Ok so let’s recap with the dates…
Hot gym boy- BORDER LINE RETARDED. This was such a waste of a good looking guy, have avoided his calls and he has since stopped trying to contact me. Thank god!
Rec. Boy- had a really good time with him, a sweetheart. Good kisser but I didn’t have that I want to get in your pants feeling. Definitely going to see him again since I am not sure it is because of him and our chemistry or because I am still bitter, hehe
Financial Guy- Sweetheart but way too metro sexual for me. I might date him again but he is kind of far so I don’t know if it is worth it.
So I am chatting with others online but……There is this adorable, sexy R &D guy I met in training and I actually was excited and turned on by him. I was actually thinking naughty thoughts and he was fun. ONLY down fall, he is year younger than I. This could be bad since I just left one mid twenties guy who in the end didn’t want to grow up. Plus we work in the same building so I don’t know if it is so smart to shit where you eat. I will have to get a better “feel” (hmmm and not just figuratively) for him and see if this could be a good thing or a bad thing.
Greek guy- Low and behold (and no surprise) he called late last night and told me how he wants me but…he has a girlfriend. I told him just friends and figure your won shit out because I can’t promise anything right now. I will write about him later since he have done this song and dance for about 2 years now.
This dating thing isn’t half bad and I am thinking of S. less and less, and I feel stronger and stronger. Its not that I don’t miss him but the clean break (which I should have done along time ago) has definitely helped me gain clarity and understand that it is for the best and basically see him for the piece of shit he is. I found this great quote
“I don’t miss him; I miss who I thought he was!”
So god dam true. Well I will keep you posted of my dating shenanigans….
Hot gym boy- BORDER LINE RETARDED. This was such a waste of a good looking guy, have avoided his calls and he has since stopped trying to contact me. Thank god!
Rec. Boy- had a really good time with him, a sweetheart. Good kisser but I didn’t have that I want to get in your pants feeling. Definitely going to see him again since I am not sure it is because of him and our chemistry or because I am still bitter, hehe
Financial Guy- Sweetheart but way too metro sexual for me. I might date him again but he is kind of far so I don’t know if it is worth it.
So I am chatting with others online but……There is this adorable, sexy R &D guy I met in training and I actually was excited and turned on by him. I was actually thinking naughty thoughts and he was fun. ONLY down fall, he is year younger than I. This could be bad since I just left one mid twenties guy who in the end didn’t want to grow up. Plus we work in the same building so I don’t know if it is so smart to shit where you eat. I will have to get a better “feel” (hmmm and not just figuratively) for him and see if this could be a good thing or a bad thing.
Greek guy- Low and behold (and no surprise) he called late last night and told me how he wants me but…he has a girlfriend. I told him just friends and figure your won shit out because I can’t promise anything right now. I will write about him later since he have done this song and dance for about 2 years now.
This dating thing isn’t half bad and I am thinking of S. less and less, and I feel stronger and stronger. Its not that I don’t miss him but the clean break (which I should have done along time ago) has definitely helped me gain clarity and understand that it is for the best and basically see him for the piece of shit he is. I found this great quote
“I don’t miss him; I miss who I thought he was!”
So god dam true. Well I will keep you posted of my dating shenanigans….
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Keep the Hate ALIVE!
Anger that is all I feel right now after that email S. sent me. How can you email me that I need to lay off the sauce when you are a blatant alcoholic! Well let me give you some background…when S. and I first met I was just out of college and still living the young partying life. I was no better I was partying on Tuesday night till the following Monday when I had to recoup for one night. I was only going to grad classes three nights a week and working part time so I after being gone for 4 years from my close friends loved to go out. Yet over the last 4 years I started to grow up and realize that getting smashed every night or weekend was not a good thing and getting kind of old. Well S. still on the weekends would get so fucking smashed that it was ridiculous. COME on at 28 you are still acting like you are 18. The last couple of years I realized this kid (which is what he is) does not know how to hold his liquer and is border line alcoholic. AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME I should watch what I am drinking, GO FUCK YOURSELF! I am not the one that has done more AA mandated classes and community service. Holy shit what was I thinking about being with this guy.
Other part of email that pisses me off to the point that I want to bludgeon him to death (of course I would never do that) is the “can you do me a favor and help me out with this?” Again my new response to anything S. says to me is going to be GO FUCK YOURSELF! You are asking me for help….how selfish are you? Me, ME, MEMEMEMEME! Always about him and what he needs. Sure…S I will help you save money so you can get a cheap flight go visit your rents and fuck random beach sluts, UHHHH I think not. So I decided to just not respond to the email. I am going to leave him hanging and not speak to him at all. I feel as though I am getting better and stronger everyday. I still miss him but I am realizing that he is not good enough for me. I am going to continue to go to the gym, date (I have a nice prospect tonight and so much better than the hot gym retard), and make sure I look fabulous the next time I see that piece of shit at the wedding. Well better get back to work…thank god I have this blog to express myself, it is helping so much. I can’t wait for the day I look back and realize I made the best decision getting rid of that selfish, alcoholic, basket case.
Other part of email that pisses me off to the point that I want to bludgeon him to death (of course I would never do that) is the “can you do me a favor and help me out with this?” Again my new response to anything S. says to me is going to be GO FUCK YOURSELF! You are asking me for help….how selfish are you? Me, ME, MEMEMEMEME! Always about him and what he needs. Sure…S I will help you save money so you can get a cheap flight go visit your rents and fuck random beach sluts, UHHHH I think not. So I decided to just not respond to the email. I am going to leave him hanging and not speak to him at all. I feel as though I am getting better and stronger everyday. I still miss him but I am realizing that he is not good enough for me. I am going to continue to go to the gym, date (I have a nice prospect tonight and so much better than the hot gym retard), and make sure I look fabulous the next time I see that piece of shit at the wedding. Well better get back to work…thank god I have this blog to express myself, it is helping so much. I can’t wait for the day I look back and realize I made the best decision getting rid of that selfish, alcoholic, basket case.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Coworker gone = Happy ME!
Ok so work update….remember when I spoke about the two coworkers whom I could not stand. OH YES ONE OF THEM IS TRANSFERRING! I am so excited and happy; I told him congratulations with a huge smile on my face. If he only knew it was because I can’t stand him as a human being. People that bitter, cheap and condescending should locked away forever…..or at least transferred, hehe!
On the relationship front I have a date tomorrow with Rec. Boy and a date with financial guy on Thursday so it is to the gym and relaxing tonight. Last night was atrocious with hot gym boy but I guess it was expected and it gave me a good laugh…
I also received an email from S. which again he never ceases to amaze me. It wasn’t dramatic or anything but he was asking for my help…ok you fucking asshole, I am not your girl anymore so do it yourself. He ended it with “Thinking of you always”, hmmmm sure you are dickhead! I am pretty sure he is not sitting home with his dick in his hand, hell I’m not and I am a female. (Not that that is a bad thing but we know how much easier it is for men to “replace” then it is for women after a breakup) Please God let one of these two dates I have in the week be at least have way decent. I do not need perfect just someone that is more than border line retarded, hehe! I don’t think I am going to respond to S. or at least not till the end of the week. I am so tired but I am going to the gym because I am going to look so fucking hot for this wedding I am going to see him at! (Sorry the bitter girl is coming out I know…it’s not pretty)
On the relationship front I have a date tomorrow with Rec. Boy and a date with financial guy on Thursday so it is to the gym and relaxing tonight. Last night was atrocious with hot gym boy but I guess it was expected and it gave me a good laugh…
I also received an email from S. which again he never ceases to amaze me. It wasn’t dramatic or anything but he was asking for my help…ok you fucking asshole, I am not your girl anymore so do it yourself. He ended it with “Thinking of you always”, hmmmm sure you are dickhead! I am pretty sure he is not sitting home with his dick in his hand, hell I’m not and I am a female. (Not that that is a bad thing but we know how much easier it is for men to “replace” then it is for women after a breakup) Please God let one of these two dates I have in the week be at least have way decent. I do not need perfect just someone that is more than border line retarded, hehe! I don’t think I am going to respond to S. or at least not till the end of the week. I am so tired but I am going to the gym because I am going to look so fucking hot for this wedding I am going to see him at! (Sorry the bitter girl is coming out I know…it’s not pretty)
Dating a retard is not fun...
HOLY shit can I just tell you that the date last night was a complete disaster! I know stereotypes are not always true but the one where very beautiful people do not have to work on any other of their aspect at least proved true with hot gym boy. He was borderline retarded, hehe!
We met on Saturday and maybe because I was drinking he seemed more talkative and fun, well that was not the case last night. We decided to have dinner at his new house and watch a movie. I brought cheese and crackers, some Sun chips, and a six pack. I know not too classy but I was hoping to just have a relaxed, get to know you kind of dinner. Well after him barking at me to take my shoes off (completely OCD to the point or ridiculous), absolutely no conversation (I asked and asked and was answered with one word answers) and he asked me nothing. So I figure fine just get the movie in then at least I don’t have to talk to this guy and then I can leave without to much issue.
Well he got into about 5 minutes of the movie “The Libertine” (A 1600 period piece about a man who brought his hedonistic rebellious ways to a puritanical society) and he started to complain how he couldn’t understand what they were talking about and changed it for some tits and ass movie. OK men I understand not loving movies like this but you are on a first date? Plus the movie even in the first 5 minutes had a hot sex scene which is the only time he paid attention to the Movie. Fine Hot gym boy put in the other movie I just want it to be over so I can get the fuck out of here.
Damn its too bad someone so hot has to be so fucking retarded. I didn’t even want to kiss him at the end….which he basically didn’t kiss me because he was eating sun chips (as was I). So I got the hell out of there and called Cute financial guy and laughed the whole way about how I survived my first date with a down syndrome hot guy……Dating is definitely going to be interesting, hehe!
We met on Saturday and maybe because I was drinking he seemed more talkative and fun, well that was not the case last night. We decided to have dinner at his new house and watch a movie. I brought cheese and crackers, some Sun chips, and a six pack. I know not too classy but I was hoping to just have a relaxed, get to know you kind of dinner. Well after him barking at me to take my shoes off (completely OCD to the point or ridiculous), absolutely no conversation (I asked and asked and was answered with one word answers) and he asked me nothing. So I figure fine just get the movie in then at least I don’t have to talk to this guy and then I can leave without to much issue.
Well he got into about 5 minutes of the movie “The Libertine” (A 1600 period piece about a man who brought his hedonistic rebellious ways to a puritanical society) and he started to complain how he couldn’t understand what they were talking about and changed it for some tits and ass movie. OK men I understand not loving movies like this but you are on a first date? Plus the movie even in the first 5 minutes had a hot sex scene which is the only time he paid attention to the Movie. Fine Hot gym boy put in the other movie I just want it to be over so I can get the fuck out of here.
Damn its too bad someone so hot has to be so fucking retarded. I didn’t even want to kiss him at the end….which he basically didn’t kiss me because he was eating sun chips (as was I). So I got the hell out of there and called Cute financial guy and laughed the whole way about how I survived my first date with a down syndrome hot guy……Dating is definitely going to be interesting, hehe!
Monday, April 9, 2007
Rebound men here I come...
Ok so I resceduled with Rec boy to hang out with Gym boy...I know I know but gym boy is a perfect rebound. He is someone I would never fall for (he seems like an idiot, a little vain and a little cheap) but he looks so good and kisses so well. I need a guy like that and Rec seems more real. I will keep you posted...
Interesting weekend...
Ok so this weekend was definitely an interesting one. It started on Thursday with MAC girl and I going out to our normal local bars and it was fun, not too eventful from what I can remember. I was prepping myself for that Friday since it was S. birthday (why do I care….what is my fucking problem) I of course in a drunken pathetic state text S. around 2am Happy Birthday and passed out.
No response which I was slightly relieved when I woke up the next day. So that day I just did the normal gym, cleaning, hanging with MAC (she has pretty much been a great surrogate roommate) and then went to visit the Newlyweds Kristie and Frank. Kristie has been one of my best friends since high school and met Frank through S. and I. Of course Frank can commit so they got married and just moved into a new gorgeous house. The house is gorgeous but it is right up the street from S. apartment (I always drive the long way to avoid looking like a stalker. I went over and low and behold I get a text from Toxic S. saying “Up late last night? Thanks for the text.” We exchanged back and forth and he asked me to come over….AHHH hell no. He was depressed because apparently his birthday day was pretty uneventful. Then he brought up a wedding we have to go to (again we have way too many of the same friends) and he had the nerve to ask if I was bringing a date or if we could go together! WHAT, friends we are and will probably (at least not in the next 5 years) be friends. I told him I was thinking of bringing a date only because I thought he would have brought one. He began to tell me how seeing me with someone would make him sick and puke over his shoes. He asked that I let our friends know if I am so he will bow out and not attend. Part of this made me feel good but at the same token it shows again how selfish this prick is. Always about him and how he feels….Whatever!
On to the rest of the weekend…after there I went out with MAC and we ended up seeing an old friend (we will call him Male whore) and that was fun. He is a fun guy but by his nickname you can tell how much I respect him when it comes to his interactions with women. I kept getting approached by young guys and somehow got the same pickup line by three guys. Do men get together and have a manual. Standing by myself does not mean I am lonely. That was the line “You look lonely…being crappy conversation here.” By the third one and a few drinks I basically laughed at the guy. I couldn’t help it and the fact that the kid was like 20 years old did not help his attempt…
Saturday was filled with the gym, errands and other unimportant things but that night was fun…I ended up meeting a really hot trophy boy whom we will call Gym boy. He ditched his friends and hung out with me all night (did not expect it at all) and can I tell you that although he is not that bright he is sooooo great to look at. And he turned out to be a really great kisser and have a really nice house. Now do not think I was a slut because I was not. We cuddled and made out and that was it. Although there was a hot second when I was pressed against his hot 6’2 jacked up (imagine Brad pit’s body from Troy) body that it crossed my mind. I am glad I didn’t only because it probably would have made me feel shitty about myself. So who knows if he will call although it would be great to bring him to the wedding? Ok I am going to be a bitter bitch for a second and want him to go with me because he is hot and has the body S. has always wanted, hehe!
So I have numerous rebound guys and the list is as followed:
“Hot Gym Boy”- not the brightest but seems like a great wedding prospect.
“Financial Advisor guy” – adorable and more my taste in looks but is a little metro for me, but I have a date with him on Tuesday.
“Rec. Guy” – he is adorable as well and fun to talk to we have a date tonight so let’s see how this goes.
“Marine Man” – we hadn’t really talked for a while but he texted me out of nowhere yesterday with Happy Easter, so maybe he isn’t a complete lost.
"Greek guy"- he pulled away again (he pops up every 4-6 months) because he has a live in girlfriend and I told him we could only be friends.
"New haven guy"- just started chatting with him so I really have no idea what he is like at all.
This whole dating thing is kind of crazy and I am sure I will have tons of stories for you….I have a date with Rec guy after I go to my crazy cardio strength training class. Have to keep this banging body in gear or at least until the wedding.
No response which I was slightly relieved when I woke up the next day. So that day I just did the normal gym, cleaning, hanging with MAC (she has pretty much been a great surrogate roommate) and then went to visit the Newlyweds Kristie and Frank. Kristie has been one of my best friends since high school and met Frank through S. and I. Of course Frank can commit so they got married and just moved into a new gorgeous house. The house is gorgeous but it is right up the street from S. apartment (I always drive the long way to avoid looking like a stalker. I went over and low and behold I get a text from Toxic S. saying “Up late last night? Thanks for the text.” We exchanged back and forth and he asked me to come over….AHHH hell no. He was depressed because apparently his birthday day was pretty uneventful. Then he brought up a wedding we have to go to (again we have way too many of the same friends) and he had the nerve to ask if I was bringing a date or if we could go together! WHAT, friends we are and will probably (at least not in the next 5 years) be friends. I told him I was thinking of bringing a date only because I thought he would have brought one. He began to tell me how seeing me with someone would make him sick and puke over his shoes. He asked that I let our friends know if I am so he will bow out and not attend. Part of this made me feel good but at the same token it shows again how selfish this prick is. Always about him and how he feels….Whatever!
On to the rest of the weekend…after there I went out with MAC and we ended up seeing an old friend (we will call him Male whore) and that was fun. He is a fun guy but by his nickname you can tell how much I respect him when it comes to his interactions with women. I kept getting approached by young guys and somehow got the same pickup line by three guys. Do men get together and have a manual. Standing by myself does not mean I am lonely. That was the line “You look lonely…being crappy conversation here.” By the third one and a few drinks I basically laughed at the guy. I couldn’t help it and the fact that the kid was like 20 years old did not help his attempt…
Saturday was filled with the gym, errands and other unimportant things but that night was fun…I ended up meeting a really hot trophy boy whom we will call Gym boy. He ditched his friends and hung out with me all night (did not expect it at all) and can I tell you that although he is not that bright he is sooooo great to look at. And he turned out to be a really great kisser and have a really nice house. Now do not think I was a slut because I was not. We cuddled and made out and that was it. Although there was a hot second when I was pressed against his hot 6’2 jacked up (imagine Brad pit’s body from Troy) body that it crossed my mind. I am glad I didn’t only because it probably would have made me feel shitty about myself. So who knows if he will call although it would be great to bring him to the wedding? Ok I am going to be a bitter bitch for a second and want him to go with me because he is hot and has the body S. has always wanted, hehe!
So I have numerous rebound guys and the list is as followed:
“Hot Gym Boy”- not the brightest but seems like a great wedding prospect.
“Financial Advisor guy” – adorable and more my taste in looks but is a little metro for me, but I have a date with him on Tuesday.
“Rec. Guy” – he is adorable as well and fun to talk to we have a date tonight so let’s see how this goes.
“Marine Man” – we hadn’t really talked for a while but he texted me out of nowhere yesterday with Happy Easter, so maybe he isn’t a complete lost.
"Greek guy"- he pulled away again (he pops up every 4-6 months) because he has a live in girlfriend and I told him we could only be friends.
"New haven guy"- just started chatting with him so I really have no idea what he is like at all.
This whole dating thing is kind of crazy and I am sure I will have tons of stories for you….I have a date with Rec guy after I go to my crazy cardio strength training class. Have to keep this banging body in gear or at least until the wedding.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Finally a response
Well he finally responded...it's as follows.
"I agree with most of what you've said here and cannot argue. I would just like you to know I did not do this for strange pussy I did this because I could not tell you what you needed to hear. Thus far in my life I have freaked out, and ran from, major major commitments because I put up a wall around myself when I become vulnerable and marriage to me is the most vulnerable you can be. I've worked hard to take this wall down and have succeeded in many aspects of my life. While marraige and children are something that I want in the future I cannot, at this time, seem to break down those walls and let myself go. I want you to know I didn't lie to you when I said those are both things that I want because I do. I have no desire to be with anyone else nor do I in the future see myself with anyone besides you I'm sorry I'm screwed up in the head but I will get to the bottom of my uneasiness and I will be back to you some day I just hope, and fear you won't, you will be able to take me back. I hurt everyday knowing that this is all my fault and could have been prevented easily had I not been such a basketcase. I love you. "
Hmmm makes me feel good he feels bad but I never can trust what he says....probably fucking some strange pussy right now as we speak. WORD VOMIT! (So why am I still sad and miss him) FUCKING BULLSHIT THIS IS!
"I agree with most of what you've said here and cannot argue. I would just like you to know I did not do this for strange pussy I did this because I could not tell you what you needed to hear. Thus far in my life I have freaked out, and ran from, major major commitments because I put up a wall around myself when I become vulnerable and marriage to me is the most vulnerable you can be. I've worked hard to take this wall down and have succeeded in many aspects of my life. While marraige and children are something that I want in the future I cannot, at this time, seem to break down those walls and let myself go. I want you to know I didn't lie to you when I said those are both things that I want because I do. I have no desire to be with anyone else nor do I in the future see myself with anyone besides you I'm sorry I'm screwed up in the head but I will get to the bottom of my uneasiness and I will be back to you some day I just hope, and fear you won't, you will be able to take me back. I hurt everyday knowing that this is all my fault and could have been prevented easily had I not been such a basketcase. I love you. "
Hmmm makes me feel good he feels bad but I never can trust what he says....probably fucking some strange pussy right now as we speak. WORD VOMIT! (So why am I still sad and miss him) FUCKING BULLSHIT THIS IS!
Friday, April 6, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Email from S.
So low and behold I am having a strong day (greek guy and I talked and it was like old times) and I check my personal email and S. responded to an email I sent like two days ago. Here's what his said and my response.
"you don't have to be sorry I'm sorry I missed your call. I don't know if you want me to pick up but I guess you wouldn't have called if you didn't I'm so confused. Last night I was lying in bed and I realized that I'm a 27 year old man sleeping with a stuffed animal because it reminded me of you I felt a little pathetic but oddly comforted at the same time."
Big surprise on a day i am feeling strong he writes something like that. I have to respond and get my feelings out there. So here is my long response.
"Well if it any consolation I feel your pain. The other night was the first night I really cried (sober and all) over us in a while. I realized it was over….and honestly it hadn’t hit me even the first time we broke up.
I realized I wasn’t going to be with you on your birthday…and I always loved going over the top for you. I hate all of this but deep inside I know why it ended the way it did.
I know this sounds corny but I had an epiphany at work the other day when I heard two songs that reminded me of you and made me realize why shit went so sour. First off U2 “with or without you” which obviously you get why that song got to me but the next was “hate me” by Blue October. I think you signed up for that website because you wanted me to find it and emotionally prepare yourself for what you thought was the inevitable end.
Sometimes I think I should not have been so open about my feelings with you about my fears and thoughts of regrets with you, etc. You wanted me to end it so you didn’t have to (your whole “let things happen so you don’t have to do it”, yet they are usually always a bad thing) and at the same token get some other ass so the end wouldn’t be so bad or at least tolerable. The worst part is that even on our break I had this hope that we would be together. I was truly faithful to you even over the break and I thought we had an understanding. I just thought we went through so much that we could get through anything, but that was so hurtful to see you on such a website. Even if you knew it was me from the emails you were contacting other and had the profile up in the first place. It made me feel worthless and so confused because I thought we had a great sex life (damn you and your moves).
I always wonder what I could do differently (I know its no good to do that) but I don’t want to drive away someone else in the future that I love (hopefully it will happen I doubt it some days) as much as I love you. I also feel like you didn’t always tell me when things bothered you when they upset you unless you were drunk.
Maybe I am over thinking all of it (hmmm that is no fucking surprise) and you just were not into me like you used to. Almost 4 years together and so much up and downs it might not be surprising to want someone else and new. What is it called “strange pussy”? Hehe.
Unfortunately as many qualities of a man I have (not bothered by strip clubs, bluntness, pervertedness, my sex drive) I also am a woman who is a true serial monogamist. See Justin I found everything I wanted in a partner in you (good and bad) and was happy with just you. Not that I wouldn’t be attracted to others from time to time (Colin Farrell, hehe) but I never wanted to ruin what we had for some fleeting attraction. I have done the sex with no emotion (its fun for the night) and found the love and partner sex was so much better (especially when it came to orgasming). I know this is different with men, but that’s one of the downfalls of being a woman I guess.
What’s so weird is when I was crying on Tuesday I just wanted to talk to you. I feel like you died…I lost my best friend in so many ways. I just cuddle with my pillow at night and wake up the next morning on my side of the bed hoping to roll over and find you with your head dug so far under the pillow where I can only see your adorable duck lips. This does not happen and I continue the day with a horrible void.
I even miss calling the Bliss and fighting with John and Nick to get you on the phone. After so long with someone how do you move on to someone else new? This is my dilemma, I have been asked out on numerous dates (which as you know too, everyone keeps pushing me just getting with someone to get over you) and I just feel so numb that putting any airs for anyone makes me sick right now. (I am praying this is not forever because I know you will be with someone soon) With you I was always able to just be myself, good, bad, bitchy, overbearing, silly, corny, and no makeup….so now I have to start over and feel like I need to impress someone. DAMMIT this dating shit (which I am avoiding as we speak) is going to fucking suck. I don’t want to compare everyone to you….that isn’t fair.
So what am I left with, self medicating, crying with my pillow for now, pretending to my friends that I am exciting about dating (so they will stop harping), and the gym (only good thing about the breakup is my banging ass body, hehehe).
I wish things had been so different, I wish you believed in me and you and a good life together. I wish you could be happy with just me. I wish I had not been so open with my insecurities which probably contributed to pushing you away. I wish you had always been honest with me because even with mistakes made when you come clean it makes it just a mistake and not a betrayal. More so I hope I get over this, I hope you are happy, I hope you never fall for someone else again (that is my selfish bitter part coming out, sorry she has been in full swing the last week), I hope we can be friends, I hope all of this isn’t something we regret forever, I hope I will learn to be comfortable on my own completely, and lastly I hope this void will lessen with time.
I am petrified of the first time I see you with someone for the first time. I know I will act cool and fine but I will probably die inside. I guess it is good our friends don’t speak of each other to us. I don’t want to hear that you are doing fantastic and at the same token I never want to hear anything bad is happening to you. How can I be so tormented and on opposite extremes all the time? I hate you, I love you, I miss you, I want you to die, I want nothing but happiness for you, I want you to be miserable forever……this kind of love is not what I expected in a million years. I thought your first love was supposed to be the worst. Well I can tell you mister that is not true. Maybe you were just my first TRUE love and the passion between us was never an issue, just your passion for all women and booze was.
I know this is for the best but I don’t know how to go about it…the clean break seems the smartest way but at the same time that seems so unbearable that it kills me. God I wish I could see you….but I know at the same time it can’t be good. It doesn’t change anything.. You still do not want to get married ever or even have kids (which to be honest all of that really came as a surprise. One question did you always think that way and just not tell me or did something happen to change that?). I guess the truth is love can’t get you through everything (I was always naive and believed that, hmmm the truth definitely hurts). So I guess I am taking it day by day and hopefully the pain will lessen. They say time helps right, how come I don’t feel that yet? I try to be strong but I know sometimes I won’t be so please don’t hold it against me….Sorry for the rambling. Its just so hard to not be able to talk to you (and we know how much I talk). Does any of this make any sense…. "
Who knows he will probably wait a month when I am starting to truly feel better to respond so he can fuck with me again. Maybe Myspace isn't the Devil but S. is? Am I in love with the devil?
"you don't have to be sorry I'm sorry I missed your call. I don't know if you want me to pick up but I guess you wouldn't have called if you didn't I'm so confused. Last night I was lying in bed and I realized that I'm a 27 year old man sleeping with a stuffed animal because it reminded me of you I felt a little pathetic but oddly comforted at the same time."
Big surprise on a day i am feeling strong he writes something like that. I have to respond and get my feelings out there. So here is my long response.
"Well if it any consolation I feel your pain. The other night was the first night I really cried (sober and all) over us in a while. I realized it was over….and honestly it hadn’t hit me even the first time we broke up.
I realized I wasn’t going to be with you on your birthday…and I always loved going over the top for you. I hate all of this but deep inside I know why it ended the way it did.
I know this sounds corny but I had an epiphany at work the other day when I heard two songs that reminded me of you and made me realize why shit went so sour. First off U2 “with or without you” which obviously you get why that song got to me but the next was “hate me” by Blue October. I think you signed up for that website because you wanted me to find it and emotionally prepare yourself for what you thought was the inevitable end.
Sometimes I think I should not have been so open about my feelings with you about my fears and thoughts of regrets with you, etc. You wanted me to end it so you didn’t have to (your whole “let things happen so you don’t have to do it”, yet they are usually always a bad thing) and at the same token get some other ass so the end wouldn’t be so bad or at least tolerable. The worst part is that even on our break I had this hope that we would be together. I was truly faithful to you even over the break and I thought we had an understanding. I just thought we went through so much that we could get through anything, but that was so hurtful to see you on such a website. Even if you knew it was me from the emails you were contacting other and had the profile up in the first place. It made me feel worthless and so confused because I thought we had a great sex life (damn you and your moves).
I always wonder what I could do differently (I know its no good to do that) but I don’t want to drive away someone else in the future that I love (hopefully it will happen I doubt it some days) as much as I love you. I also feel like you didn’t always tell me when things bothered you when they upset you unless you were drunk.
Maybe I am over thinking all of it (hmmm that is no fucking surprise) and you just were not into me like you used to. Almost 4 years together and so much up and downs it might not be surprising to want someone else and new. What is it called “strange pussy”? Hehe.
Unfortunately as many qualities of a man I have (not bothered by strip clubs, bluntness, pervertedness, my sex drive) I also am a woman who is a true serial monogamist. See Justin I found everything I wanted in a partner in you (good and bad) and was happy with just you. Not that I wouldn’t be attracted to others from time to time (Colin Farrell, hehe) but I never wanted to ruin what we had for some fleeting attraction. I have done the sex with no emotion (its fun for the night) and found the love and partner sex was so much better (especially when it came to orgasming). I know this is different with men, but that’s one of the downfalls of being a woman I guess.
What’s so weird is when I was crying on Tuesday I just wanted to talk to you. I feel like you died…I lost my best friend in so many ways. I just cuddle with my pillow at night and wake up the next morning on my side of the bed hoping to roll over and find you with your head dug so far under the pillow where I can only see your adorable duck lips. This does not happen and I continue the day with a horrible void.
I even miss calling the Bliss and fighting with John and Nick to get you on the phone. After so long with someone how do you move on to someone else new? This is my dilemma, I have been asked out on numerous dates (which as you know too, everyone keeps pushing me just getting with someone to get over you) and I just feel so numb that putting any airs for anyone makes me sick right now. (I am praying this is not forever because I know you will be with someone soon) With you I was always able to just be myself, good, bad, bitchy, overbearing, silly, corny, and no makeup….so now I have to start over and feel like I need to impress someone. DAMMIT this dating shit (which I am avoiding as we speak) is going to fucking suck. I don’t want to compare everyone to you….that isn’t fair.
So what am I left with, self medicating, crying with my pillow for now, pretending to my friends that I am exciting about dating (so they will stop harping), and the gym (only good thing about the breakup is my banging ass body, hehehe).
I wish things had been so different, I wish you believed in me and you and a good life together. I wish you could be happy with just me. I wish I had not been so open with my insecurities which probably contributed to pushing you away. I wish you had always been honest with me because even with mistakes made when you come clean it makes it just a mistake and not a betrayal. More so I hope I get over this, I hope you are happy, I hope you never fall for someone else again (that is my selfish bitter part coming out, sorry she has been in full swing the last week), I hope we can be friends, I hope all of this isn’t something we regret forever, I hope I will learn to be comfortable on my own completely, and lastly I hope this void will lessen with time.
I am petrified of the first time I see you with someone for the first time. I know I will act cool and fine but I will probably die inside. I guess it is good our friends don’t speak of each other to us. I don’t want to hear that you are doing fantastic and at the same token I never want to hear anything bad is happening to you. How can I be so tormented and on opposite extremes all the time? I hate you, I love you, I miss you, I want you to die, I want nothing but happiness for you, I want you to be miserable forever……this kind of love is not what I expected in a million years. I thought your first love was supposed to be the worst. Well I can tell you mister that is not true. Maybe you were just my first TRUE love and the passion between us was never an issue, just your passion for all women and booze was.
I know this is for the best but I don’t know how to go about it…the clean break seems the smartest way but at the same time that seems so unbearable that it kills me. God I wish I could see you….but I know at the same time it can’t be good. It doesn’t change anything.. You still do not want to get married ever or even have kids (which to be honest all of that really came as a surprise. One question did you always think that way and just not tell me or did something happen to change that?). I guess the truth is love can’t get you through everything (I was always naive and believed that, hmmm the truth definitely hurts). So I guess I am taking it day by day and hopefully the pain will lessen. They say time helps right, how come I don’t feel that yet? I try to be strong but I know sometimes I won’t be so please don’t hold it against me….Sorry for the rambling. Its just so hard to not be able to talk to you (and we know how much I talk). Does any of this make any sense…. "
Who knows he will probably wait a month when I am starting to truly feel better to respond so he can fuck with me again. Maybe Myspace isn't the Devil but S. is? Am I in love with the devil?
Single again....
Well today has been better. I think the weather and spending the night with S. on Sunday was still lingering yesterday. So I went over to the other building on my work campus and flirted with Safety guy. Safety guy approached me a long time ago for a date but I was still with S at the time so I politely declined. He is cute, older and funny as hell but 2 slight problem that I can’t believe I am going to even going to mention (well one more than the other). He has a bald spot, and he has an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I am more freaked out with the bald spot can you believe that! I can’t believe I am that shallow. I have never been that way, or maybe I have. I don’t have to have the most gorgeous guy in the world but there are a few things that turn me off and that is one of them. Safety guy does send me hilarious emails and banter which make me laugh my ass off so maybe I will keep talking to him. I have not mentioned that S. and I broke up because I don’t want to be barraged with him asking me out. I did forward the happy hour meet up for next week to see if he would go.
As for Greek guy (long story will share later) he has been emailing me as well. He has this intuitive sense and would always email me when S. and I were having problems. He has been one of the only men whom I thought about besides S. as being with over the last 4 years only thing that sucked was the sex. He was weird about it, nervous; acting like he wasn’t interested in that….yet PDA and his affection would be showered on me all the time. I gave him a couple of tries in that department and he failed miserably. Unfortunately at the time love and great sex brought me back to S. well I am quite able to examine Greek guy again since the slut S. likes sex a little too much, maybe someone with a slightly less drive would be good and he was great to hang out with.
Last but not least on the single life of me, I set up a match profile and put some new pics on my Devil…I mean Myspace and I have gotten responses already so let the dating commence. I know S. will be out there sleeping around so why can’t I go out and have some fun (not sleep around but dinner and a laugh)? Only thing that sucks is that I have to see him at a wedding in about a month and a half, so I have to find a suitable date and I have to continue to look fabulous. Hmmm maybe I won’t even care what he thinks by then (hmmmm who am I kidding). I will post a little more later….(this is so great to be able to put all my shit out there totally open and honest).
As for Greek guy (long story will share later) he has been emailing me as well. He has this intuitive sense and would always email me when S. and I were having problems. He has been one of the only men whom I thought about besides S. as being with over the last 4 years only thing that sucked was the sex. He was weird about it, nervous; acting like he wasn’t interested in that….yet PDA and his affection would be showered on me all the time. I gave him a couple of tries in that department and he failed miserably. Unfortunately at the time love and great sex brought me back to S. well I am quite able to examine Greek guy again since the slut S. likes sex a little too much, maybe someone with a slightly less drive would be good and he was great to hang out with.
Last but not least on the single life of me, I set up a match profile and put some new pics on my Devil…I mean Myspace and I have gotten responses already so let the dating commence. I know S. will be out there sleeping around so why can’t I go out and have some fun (not sleep around but dinner and a laugh)? Only thing that sucks is that I have to see him at a wedding in about a month and a half, so I have to find a suitable date and I have to continue to look fabulous. Hmmm maybe I won’t even care what he thinks by then (hmmmm who am I kidding). I will post a little more later….(this is so great to be able to put all my shit out there totally open and honest).
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Need to keep it together..
So I am at work and heard the song that I believe S. is singing to me..."Hate Me" by Blue October. Basically he has been an asshole toward the end becasue he knows how fucked up he is and he knows he is not good for me....or maybe he is just not that into me (so why does he still call, text, etc.) fuck it I need to get over this shit!
The healing rollercoaster..
I don’t know why but the roller coaster of healing is definitely a roller coaster. After the incident on Sunday (reminder I was pathetic and hung out with him) which made me feel shitty, I was doing better by Monday night. I actually just went to my insane cardio sculpting class (on a side note got a compliment on my lunges from the instructor which put a huge smile on my face), watched some TV, made dinner and went online a bit (put up some online profiles but need to actually get paid to pay for a subscription) but all in all was dealing with the loneliness quite well. I actually went to bed early and got 7 full hours of sleep.
Tuesday was ok, and I was feeling better and better. Went to a step class and got another compliment on how I was looking fabulous. It’s funny because the two compliments I got from trainers made me feel better in the last two days than any compliment from a man. My sister had called me and asked to hang out which I agreed and then MAC girl called as well and we went to a local bar we used to always hang out in. It was fun, sang some man hating Karaoke but the surprising thing was when some guys starting hitting on me. I didn’t feel better it just made me miss S. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can I miss a piece of shit like that? I tell myself over and over. SO I accept the shots and start to self medicate which is never good. The lowest point is when I got home to my dark lonely apartment and I did what I told myself I wouldn’t I called. Thank god he didn’t answer but I ask myself over and over why I can’t just let this guy go. I know, I know we have history it wasn’t always bad but the catastrophic mistakes he made should overshadow any good right?
I guess I just feel sad and angry at myself for sticking around so long. His birthday is this weekend which should be interesting. Divorcee friends’ situation will come up and I expect it. I have luckily MAC hanging with me so I won’t be alone. We might go to the southern party city since S. pretty much has claim to the central one. I do not want to go anywhere near there and have sanctioned it (in my head only) as his for a while. Secretly I want his birthday to suck and for him to realize that no one will ever be me or replace me, yet I know I should never be with him. Guess I just want him to be miserable like I am right now. Gross I am so disgusted with myself right now. I am going to make myself go to this new wine tasting event where I know nobody tomorrow. Guess I need to do double gym tonight (need that anyways since I feel so depressed). I will keep you posted on this weekend and how I feel I am going to make an ass out of myself one way or another.
Tuesday was ok, and I was feeling better and better. Went to a step class and got another compliment on how I was looking fabulous. It’s funny because the two compliments I got from trainers made me feel better in the last two days than any compliment from a man. My sister had called me and asked to hang out which I agreed and then MAC girl called as well and we went to a local bar we used to always hang out in. It was fun, sang some man hating Karaoke but the surprising thing was when some guys starting hitting on me. I didn’t feel better it just made me miss S. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can I miss a piece of shit like that? I tell myself over and over. SO I accept the shots and start to self medicate which is never good. The lowest point is when I got home to my dark lonely apartment and I did what I told myself I wouldn’t I called. Thank god he didn’t answer but I ask myself over and over why I can’t just let this guy go. I know, I know we have history it wasn’t always bad but the catastrophic mistakes he made should overshadow any good right?
I guess I just feel sad and angry at myself for sticking around so long. His birthday is this weekend which should be interesting. Divorcee friends’ situation will come up and I expect it. I have luckily MAC hanging with me so I won’t be alone. We might go to the southern party city since S. pretty much has claim to the central one. I do not want to go anywhere near there and have sanctioned it (in my head only) as his for a while. Secretly I want his birthday to suck and for him to realize that no one will ever be me or replace me, yet I know I should never be with him. Guess I just want him to be miserable like I am right now. Gross I am so disgusted with myself right now. I am going to make myself go to this new wine tasting event where I know nobody tomorrow. Guess I need to do double gym tonight (need that anyways since I feel so depressed). I will keep you posted on this weekend and how I feel I am going to make an ass out of myself one way or another.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Can I be any more lame...
I so need to put my crazy emotions out there…this blog is definitely therapeutic for me. So I started the weekend out going strong “KEEP the hate alive” has been my motto and it seems to be working. No contact with S. and I was doing good. Work was insane (I will post a whole other blog about that) so when 5pm came around I actually went to happy hour with co-workers and I had a pretty good time. Around 7pm I had gotten a hold of a new friend we will call Leslie and we agreed to meet up since she had recently dumped her super toxic boyfriend as well. She brought a friend which we will dub bootylicious and we had a couple of glasses of wine and headed out to the bars near my house. We had a good time and it was nice to laugh.
I hate when you are the only single girl out of your core group. I love my friends and they try very hard but they are all wrapped up in their own lives to be around as much as I would like them to. So I have been reaching out to new people which is a good thing.
Came home and passed out, the single life is not helping my liver what’s so ever and I seriously need to relax but of course the birthday party on Saturday for my girlfriend Hairstylist was going to be interesting. Her husband is best friends with S. and he was somewhat disinvested. I did not feel bad at any point because I offered to go away for the weekend and let S. go but Hairstylist was not having it. I stopped by my mothers arts dance charity event for a bit and then went over Hairstylists and began to drink heavily. The night was fun and started to get blurry by the end, I luckily just passed out and that was that.
I wake up with a wicked headache and to numerous calls from the Toxic S. and apparently my friends saw this and kept deleting the call log. Well Toxic S. is persistent and I awoke to “I miss you baby”..BABY that’s what I get after 4 years a “baby”. I was so irritated and pissed, he was probably so drunk he didn’t know which fucking baby he was texting. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I had a great workout due to him even with a hangover. He texted me in the early “Sorry I called you I just miss you, no response necessary” and at first I wasn’t going to respond but I did. “I miss you too but you did this all, it sucks wish I was enough for you.” Then nothing….all day I went to the gym, cleaned my house, watched a movie and then went over to Hairstylists to watch the new shot The Tudors on Showtime. The night consisted of wine and pizza, which was a little hard to take due to not having greasy food for a while but I got down two slices. I began getting more and more tipsy and please shoot me now I called the fucking toxic bastard. I am so lame…his father called me earlier and I wanted to let him know but we all know that is a lie. I just wanted to talk to him because I am so fucking pathetic. A long talk and me visiting (damn him, and my weak ways) we had a good night but when I left this morning I was so mad at myself. It was weird because we talked about how this was the right thing to do and how it is for the best. I even said to him…see we are so open in communication that we can talk about our own breakup. When people tell you to make a clean break they are definitely correct because I felt like shit in the morning and just bolted. I bolted like I was doing the walk of shame in college. I told him I loved him and that was that. I snuck out in hopes that no one would see me. See the pathetic lame woman who keeps allowing herself to care about this fucking piece of shit. I calmed myself as I drove to work and I am feeling better and better. I need to keep reminding me what a horrible person he is. He just lies and lies over and over. The weird thing is I know S. has love for me but he is so screwed up that he can’t offer me what I need or want. This is going to be a rough road ahead although everyday I feel stronger and stronger and I will be able to get over this schmuck and move on. I vow to myself to never let myself get dragged down again by such a toxic person.
On a side note the Greek emailed me back, and hot boy called but didn’t make a date with me yet. More posting will come with this craziness.
P.S. this whole blog will not be about just me dating, but the craziness of this crap is all I can focus on so bear with me.
I hate when you are the only single girl out of your core group. I love my friends and they try very hard but they are all wrapped up in their own lives to be around as much as I would like them to. So I have been reaching out to new people which is a good thing.
Came home and passed out, the single life is not helping my liver what’s so ever and I seriously need to relax but of course the birthday party on Saturday for my girlfriend Hairstylist was going to be interesting. Her husband is best friends with S. and he was somewhat disinvested. I did not feel bad at any point because I offered to go away for the weekend and let S. go but Hairstylist was not having it. I stopped by my mothers arts dance charity event for a bit and then went over Hairstylists and began to drink heavily. The night was fun and started to get blurry by the end, I luckily just passed out and that was that.
I wake up with a wicked headache and to numerous calls from the Toxic S. and apparently my friends saw this and kept deleting the call log. Well Toxic S. is persistent and I awoke to “I miss you baby”..BABY that’s what I get after 4 years a “baby”. I was so irritated and pissed, he was probably so drunk he didn’t know which fucking baby he was texting. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I had a great workout due to him even with a hangover. He texted me in the early “Sorry I called you I just miss you, no response necessary” and at first I wasn’t going to respond but I did. “I miss you too but you did this all, it sucks wish I was enough for you.” Then nothing….all day I went to the gym, cleaned my house, watched a movie and then went over to Hairstylists to watch the new shot The Tudors on Showtime. The night consisted of wine and pizza, which was a little hard to take due to not having greasy food for a while but I got down two slices. I began getting more and more tipsy and please shoot me now I called the fucking toxic bastard. I am so lame…his father called me earlier and I wanted to let him know but we all know that is a lie. I just wanted to talk to him because I am so fucking pathetic. A long talk and me visiting (damn him, and my weak ways) we had a good night but when I left this morning I was so mad at myself. It was weird because we talked about how this was the right thing to do and how it is for the best. I even said to him…see we are so open in communication that we can talk about our own breakup. When people tell you to make a clean break they are definitely correct because I felt like shit in the morning and just bolted. I bolted like I was doing the walk of shame in college. I told him I loved him and that was that. I snuck out in hopes that no one would see me. See the pathetic lame woman who keeps allowing herself to care about this fucking piece of shit. I calmed myself as I drove to work and I am feeling better and better. I need to keep reminding me what a horrible person he is. He just lies and lies over and over. The weird thing is I know S. has love for me but he is so screwed up that he can’t offer me what I need or want. This is going to be a rough road ahead although everyday I feel stronger and stronger and I will be able to get over this schmuck and move on. I vow to myself to never let myself get dragged down again by such a toxic person.
On a side note the Greek emailed me back, and hot boy called but didn’t make a date with me yet. More posting will come with this craziness.
P.S. this whole blog will not be about just me dating, but the craziness of this crap is all I can focus on so bear with me.
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