Surprised and pissed....

OK so I get to work this morning and check my personal email and there is a message from S. WHAT the hell, this guy knows how to throw me off guard all the time. I never expect any contact and then BAM out of nowhere I get an email. It read as the follows

“Today sucked! I couldn't for the life of me get you off my mind for a second I'm totally dreading going to bed tonight the loneliness is going to bore a hole right through me. I miss you so much. I hope you're doing better. My best friend is gone and even though I can't talk to you writing does make me feel a little more at ease at least for the moment.”

What is wrong with this guy, I over and over think….HELLLO you fucking did all this, you ripped my soul out over and over until I was nothing and now you are sad! This kid is such a fucking basket case! Of course it makes me feel good and sad because I miss him so much but I can’t let myself get sucked back into this! I am debating whether to write him back?
I must admit I stalked his Myspace partly to remind me what an asshole he is (I was prepping to see fucking Myspace whores all in his friends list) and to see if he still has my pictures up (which he has yet to take down). I know I know I am fucking pathetic. Hey I have been really good about not looking for over two months and I just couldn’t help myself after a couple of glasses of wine. Of course this crazy guy didn’t take my pictures off and he even changed his quote to “I guess I am a diamond house” (refer to previous post) which means he is stalking my Myspace blog. Even better he put a new song up by Staind called “Everything changes” which the lyrics I guess are very poignant to how he could feel now.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose'
Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could Learn how to feel

Then we couldStay here together
And we couldConquer the world
If we couldSay that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

What is even more depressing about that song is that we went to see Aaron Lewis this last Christmas play acoustic in a small venue and it was such a great show. I LOVE Staind and he knows that. I always said a lot of his lyrics reminded me of him and now this manipulator is trying to play on that part of my emotions. Why do I fucking care, this is ridiculous! The song is so true thought because no matter how much I love him or miss him I just can’t keep doing this to myself. He will never change! If I got back with him, he would be good for a year.
I actually had a dream about S. the other morning and he basically cheated on me and I woke up remembering why I broke up with him. I felt that horrible gut feeling in the dream and when I woke up it made me realize I am so tired of feeling that for the last three years. I can’t allow myself to be with someone who is so selfish and self destructive, plus I am sure all of this is word vomit. He says all this crap but his actions never follow suite to it. Ok Ok I need to think about something else….
On the dating front, I have a new date with a guy that is a cowboy basically, hehe! He works on a horse farm and seems chill. We had some cute funny conversation last night and are going to meet up on Friday, but one catch is he has the same name as S. which is good and bad. Good because if it goes anywhere I would never slip and say S. name during sex but bad because this dating is supposed to get my mind off S.