Friday, June 29, 2007

YUM the weekend

Whoo hoo I have a half day today and thus far I have had a conversation with a coworker going through a divorce (I feel for him, he is such a nice guy) and a female coworker curious about what the strip club is like? Hence I have gotten nothing done. I will however be completing the moving process today. After a night of sweaty disgusting moving and packing I have to begin the cleaning process. FUN, FUN, FUN....and I need to get my ass back to the gym.
So many fucking parties, BBQ's, appointments, happy hours...I have totally gained like 5-10 lbs back and I can feel in the pants. FUCK THIS shit I am going to starve myself (maybe I shouldn't smoke any weed the next couple of weeks, I become a garbage compactor when I do) and go to the gym everyday! Too bad good sex doesn't cause you to lose like 6000 calories per session. I would look like paris hilton!
I will update you on how it is living with my fiance, best guy friend, the homey piece of shit roommate and my cat cleo all in one house!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Ambition and drive have disappeared!

DRIVE…aren’t you supposed to have that at any job you work at? I swear I was more passionate about bartending and waitressing than my current corporate position! I was at lunch with a co-worker of mine who was actually created for this field and he was even bored with what we do.
I seriously become narcoleptic in meetings longer than 15 minutes (drool on your face is not very professional) and cannot stand the content of what I am doing. Plus another coworker (one that I actually like) is leaving as well. Soon enough I will be a lone ranger walking the halls with assholes that I can’t stand and a job that makes me want to rip out my fucking eyes, and use a hot poker to stimulate my brain.
Worse part about it is that I have no fucking clue as to what I really want to do in life, just kind of went along with the science field because it made me look smart and biotech labs have great benefits (hmm would have sold the corporate monster my soul too but the devil took that years ago). So I basically surf the net (I have put a erase board on my cubicle wall to cover the lower half of my computer screen from people entering the office) while pretending to be busy. Guess I should get on monster.com and start figuring shit out.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Hmm post thought...

I bet you S. is the loser friend some girlfriend hates out there too, hmmm bizarre to think about it that way.

Men and loser friends?

OK..I have to keep it together. Tonight is really the first night that S is going out without me since we have lived together. This does not sound like a huge deal but he is going out with Loser Slut Scrapper boy who used to be a good friend (if you call someone like that a good friend) which makes me feel unsettled. Why is it every man has that one friend who is a piece of shit? This guy has been in and out of detention centers, and arrested numerous times, slept with hundreds of women, had STD’s, and has consumed more drugs than I can even mention. Now do not get me wrong we all have our vices but these guys are getting close to 30 and he is still acting like a shit head. He has no real career or education. So sue me that I feel weird about my man going out with a guy who participated in a gang bang. I know it isn’t right and I should trust S. but sometimes the damage he has done is making it very hard. I know all night I am going to be thinking he is either getting arrested or with Loser slut scrapper watching (god forbid participating) him fuck some girl on a pool table in front of everyone! (Yet another true story for Loser Slut boy). FUCK why I can’t just not think about it. I think it is going to be a sleeping pill night. Yes, that’s it a sleeping pill night. Let’s see if I am still with this man in the morning or I am hawking a ring, finding a new place and going on vacation. I will keep you posted on whether S. steps up to the plate or succumbs to pressure of his fucked up peer

Friday, June 22, 2007

Fashion Tip for the workplace

I have a new coworker whom I can already tell is not going to be someone I am great friends let alone even respect, hehe. I will describe him more later but for now I would like to offer him and others a fashion tip.

Wearing a button down shirt with the top five button unbuttoned and a gold necklace showing (and disgusting public hair growing from your chest) is not seen as trendy, cool, or even attractive. IT is just showing everyone how pathetic you are and that mid life crisis's are even less attractive than quarter life crisis's.

Bad after school special

What the fuck is wrong with me? I consider myself a somewhat intelligent girl (maybe I went to grad school to over compensate?) and yesterday I had full intention of going to a happy hour for a coworker who is leaving, having one beer and then going home. So can someone please answer me how I didn’t get home until 1am and somehow ended up at the strip club with 4 guys?
Ok enough bitching about not dealing well with peer pressure (apparently I am a bad after school special) and not onto bitching about my man. OK I love S. more than life itself but the question is will my insecurities (which are totally warranted after everything we went through) going to make this relationship harder than it should be? I felt somewhat bad for something home late but I did invite him out with my coworkers last night and he declined. I don’t know why I should feel bad, S has come home late drunk and woken me up..yet something in me gets me all worried that he is really angry at me for coming home so late. I am such a fucking typical girl…worrying about shit he probably doesn’t think more than a second about. Then I start thinking he is doing stuff he shouldn’t and I get all fucking paranoid. I can’t believe I am so insecure.
Sometimes I think it isn’t such a good idea me and him? Other days I know it is hard but I know he is the one and only man I could see myself getting old with. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! I think it is bullshit when people say they knew for certain that this was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with? (Hmmm maybe I am the one with the commitment issues, hehe)

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Where does the money go?

OK I am making a new goal for myself…TO actually start saving! I am going to have to after looking over how much this wedding is going to cost. I do not have any idea how I am unable to save? I have no idea how I am unable to put any amount of money away in fact I always seem to be paycheck to paycheck. I do not have a huge shopping addiction or love for coach bags or shoes. In fact my fiancĂ© many times says I am quite cheap in the clothing department. I prefer buying clothes from Marshall’s and Target than Nordstrom’s or Abercrombie. I cannot fathom purchasing a pair of jeans for 300 dollars just because it has a huge seven plastered across the ass.
Actually I know what my problem is, going out and cigarettes oh and I have also been trying to put money away for my retirement. Plus I just don’t budget well, I have every intention of putting it away and what not but then bam I somehow think going to Wal-Mart and buying 60 dollars worth of crap for the house is ok.
The most annoying part about this is that S. has already banked away something like 2500 dollars in two or three months! What the fuck, how is this possible. Technically on paper I make more than him but in reality I think not. He works as a chef and does a lot of catering so he gets tips on top of the paycheck, plus add in fewer bills. I find that this annoys me. Why, I do not know? I still for some reason feel weird asking for money for the wedding, the rent, etc. I have always stood my own ground (sometimes in the red) but at the same time I have no problem having him pay for us every time we go out. Do not get me wrong I definitely do pay for us when we go out sometimes (I say about 55-45%) but somehow he is able to save. Well I have made steps to go forward in this direction. They are as follow:

1. Took lower interest loan from credit union to pay off credit card bills and set up automatic payment so it should be paid off in less than 6-7 months.
2. Took credit card bills out of purse and away so I will not use them for stupid purchases like extra shampoo, makeup, or another round of drinks for people I don’t even know.
3. Applied for a community college teaching position at night to make extra money (keep your fingers crossed that I get it).
4. Set up a budget to allocate out spending money so that I do not go over it (hmmm maybe the debit card should stay at home as well and I will only carry cash allotted).

So far that is what I have done….hmmm hopefully this will pan out so I can look like a respectable female professional who can contribute to a grown up relationship (yeah right).

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Monday somehow equals drunk??

Ewwwww I am a fucking mess and so tired! How is it all weekend I keep it pretty low key but somehow on a Monday night I get shit faced and hung over for work on Tuesday? Do you know what torture it is to concentrate on the morning commute when all you want to do is vomit all over yourself? In my defense my girlfriend came home from Chicago to visit. I officially want to die! I feel for my work because the normal 2-3 hours of work they will get out of me a day has gone to zero. I feel like a piece of shit that was dragged in a ditch and dried in the sun…..

Monday, June 18, 2007

Mondays start the work week right?

So I know I haven’t given you too much background on what I do for a living since I was so wrapped up in the S bullshit but basically I sold my soul to the devil for paid vacations, insurance and a steady paycheck. I think when I finished graduate school I was going to have a plethora of jobs waiting for me…..well sure as shit I did not. I must have put out a million resumes and although I did have about 6-7 interviews I never got it. I would make it to the top 5 or top two but never the actual job. I finally got talking to a friend and his sisters worked at the company I am at now. I got an interview and got the job. Which should be great right? BUT the job I got is not at all what I went to school for, granted its in the same field, kind of…but not at all what I want to do.
At this point I had to take it because the week before I almost stabbed a customer while I was bartending (NOTE: Bartenders do not enjoy drunken people because we are not drunk). I almost had a breakdown because all I kept thinking was “WHAT the fuck I did not go through 6 years of school for this bullshit!” Luckily S was really great and gave me the pep talks that calmed me but basically I took a job I was not really trained for.
It is so funny to work in a corporate company since I finally realize that most people are not working very hard. Granted there are the ‘go getters” but when you compare how much other work or lack of work they are doing the go getters are not doing much. I am one of those non-workers. I got sucked into the relaxed state of the corporate world (I know I know you think that doesn’t exist) but think of Office space. It appears that since there are so many people that are doing the bare minimum it is enough to keep the company afloat.
Mondays for example I come in for the morning business meeting and then get my coffee. Chit chat with other workers about there weekend, then I am off to email people (you would think coworkers, ohhhh but that is not the case) and waste more time. Then around 10 I got for my cigarette break and then maybe I will do something. I can honestly say I maybe do about 2 hours of work a day (unless it is a crazy pressing project). So although I am not excited about my job or even the work I do how can I walk away from such a tit job right now. I think I need to get some motivation that I used to have…..or is the corporate doomed to suck that out of me too?

Friday, June 15, 2007

2 wrongs don't make a right....

Ok what is the deal with my body lately…I went to bed pretty early and yet I feel like a lethargic narcoleptic freak that can’t focus or keep my eyes open at work. I think deep down I know what the problem is, ever since my birthday (aka 5 day bender) and getting back with S. (sex isn’t a replacement for working out??) I have not gone to the gym nearly as much. It has dropped from 7 days a week (bitterness and a breakup are the best solution to lose weight) to about 2-5 days which is not apparently helping my energy.
So on another note S. is out of the doghouse for his BRO’s before Hoes crap because deep down inside I cannot be a hypocrite. I have kept secrets about our friends from him and of course I have kept secrets from him as well (I am apparently a lot better at lying than he is). How is it in relationships we can somehow rationalize that what we do is ok and not for your partner? Most times when I get into a fight with S. he has done something stupid and I let it be known with dramatics and such (I am such a girl in that fashion but I usually only get upset about big issues) but when I get my shit together or it is over with I can nine times out of ten think of times that I did the exact same thing. He of course does not know about most of these things but I have. How horrible is that, I love him thinking I have done very little wrong and he is more wrong in his mistakes because he thinks I haven’t, hehe. I sound like a bitch but let’s face it relationships are hard enough to drag two mistakes into it rather than just focusing on his……

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Best friends sometimes ain't so grand

OK so I am back after a long hiatus but I realize that I need this outlet not only for my relationship needs which was basically the whole start of this but also my other interactions in life, with work, friends, and family. Grrrrrr sometimes I can’t handle people at all. Don’t get me wrong I know I am a fucking bitch sometimes but I try to understand where people come from and to this day men make no sense to me. They claim to be so uncomplicated….BULL FUCKING SHIT. I have a new theory the more men claim or state they are simple the less they truly are.
So first off let me bring you up to speed, after a mental debate and opinions from everyone S and I are back together (Yes I am a sadomasochist) and engaged. We are moving in together (which is a whole other story I will delve into later) and the date is set in a year. Everyone is happy and I am excited but then stupid bullshit like last night tailspin me into a frenzy. S. went “golfing” with his best friend Frank who is also married to my best friend Hair stylist. Now most times this is great, we hang out, party, and generally have a great time because the guys love each other and we love each other. Sometimes though this makes for a world of trouble. Long story short they did not go golfing they went to the strip club. Now I do not care about the strip club like a lot of women do in fact I have gone with my man and guy friends before, but Hair stylist apparently does care and that makes for issues. So long story short S. lied to me that he was golfing to help cover for Frank. HELLOOOO are you fucking stupid, you are going to get in trouble for your friend when I didn’t care what you were doing in the first place. I just don’t get it and I never will….