SO I didn't go to bed until 2 am, due to my masturbation and blogging late last night (had to catch up on all my favorites, you know who you are!) and get this!
This morning at like 6 am S gets up and gives me the normal kiss goodbye while I am in bed, and I kind of wake up hug him and tell him "Ohhh I wish you could just stay in bed with me!" then roll over and go to bed.
He leaves the room and then comes back (not sure of time frame I was asleep) and he says Hey if you can give me a ride I can stay an extra half hour (his car is in the shop and has been taking the bus)I of course agree and he gets naked comes back to bed and we have great sex.
WHAT the hell?
Is he a mind reader....or looked at the history on our computer and saw me looking up tons of scottish/irish porn? I think the latter and you know what?
GOOD I got my sex
Remind self to continue to look up porn so he remembers that I need sex too.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
My masterbation dilemma
SO I am here at 1:30 am alone after masturbating to some Scottish porn. OK not trying to get to crazy but I am sort of pissed off and a little upset. I don't know what is wrong with me and sometimes S. See the major problem I know is me and sometimes I feel like a guy who is in a girls body.
Don't take that the wrong way I don't want to be a man, but I think my view of sex is sometimes distorted or at least I feel that way due to the numerous women I know in my life and how they view it.
I have tons of friend who are married, living with their man, or been in long term relationships and all of them are ok with sex every once in a while and when I say once in a while I mean probably could go for months.
I on the other hand want it all the time...I would say I want it everyday or close to it. Here is when I think I am like a man. I feel like I am the one always initiatating sex. Since we have moved in together since October S and I have sex but not as much. I feel like a guy who was duped. Don't get me wrong he doesn't turn me down and I know we have been together for five years but come on....why can't you act like I am a sex goddess and you want to fuck me like you did the first couple of years.
I feel like sex is a barometer but also (which this is the fucked up part) I validate myself and this relationship by how much he wants to have sex, make love, or fuck me. (See I apparently have a invisible dick).
SO tonight I come home after having a nice dinner with my dinner and S and I watch some TV and he gets up and says I am going to bed. I finish my cigarette and go to walk into the bedroom and he is all in bed not in bed like I want to fuck you but I am in bed and want to sleep. I walk in and say:
"Hey don't go to bed"
He replies: What's wrong..
Me: Is everything ok, do we not fuck as much because we live together?
S.: Of course not we have sex like 4-5 times a week
Me: Uhhh we only had sex like twice this week?
S.: No Honey I still think you are sexy?
Me: I know I just feel like I am always inititating, I want you to want me too.
S. I do want you, what is the problem...
Me: I'm sorry I just feel like sex is a barometer
S.: It is and I think we are great
Me: OH ok hun
Me thinking: FUCK me right now, I am naked next to you telling you I want to have more sex
Him and what he does: rolls over and goes to bed after giving me a kiss
Back to now: OK I understand sex shouldn't be everything but COME ON! Don't most men complain about their wives not wanting to have sex! I know he watched porn and I know, I know..... we do have sex more than most people I guess.
Maybe I am just insecure....maybe scared. Is it too much to ask for him to want to fuck me like he did when we first met? Probably....so what do I do?
Go outside in the living room while he is sleeping and look up some Scottish porn and masturbate. Yes you heard right masturbate when I have an able body man in the next room.
I pause to sip my glass and think how crazy is this! We aren't even married and have kids? Isn't that when it is supposed to ch age, fall beside the waist line...since your kids are number one and sleep sounds more sexual than sex? Jeeeeez I love S so much and when we do have sex it is fabulous. Truth be told he is the best lay I have ever had, but sometimes I want him to want me more. God I do sound like a needy girl so I guess that changes my perception on feeling like a man.
Plus I am leaving in three days for like four weeks for training. Gotta love that then when I get back three weeks later is our wedding. I have no fear in marrying him I just wish I didn't want sex so much. Wish I was like my girlfriends and just didn't care. Wish I could go without...wish I didn't have to use porn when a hot sexy man is in the other room. DAMN I am going to go back to my wine, have a cigarette and then crawl into bed with a hot sexy man who didn't want to fuck me tonight.
The question is....am I just being insecure or crazy?
Don't take that the wrong way I don't want to be a man, but I think my view of sex is sometimes distorted or at least I feel that way due to the numerous women I know in my life and how they view it.
I have tons of friend who are married, living with their man, or been in long term relationships and all of them are ok with sex every once in a while and when I say once in a while I mean probably could go for months.
I on the other hand want it all the time...I would say I want it everyday or close to it. Here is when I think I am like a man. I feel like I am the one always initiatating sex. Since we have moved in together since October S and I have sex but not as much. I feel like a guy who was duped. Don't get me wrong he doesn't turn me down and I know we have been together for five years but come on....why can't you act like I am a sex goddess and you want to fuck me like you did the first couple of years.
I feel like sex is a barometer but also (which this is the fucked up part) I validate myself and this relationship by how much he wants to have sex, make love, or fuck me. (See I apparently have a invisible dick).
SO tonight I come home after having a nice dinner with my dinner and S and I watch some TV and he gets up and says I am going to bed. I finish my cigarette and go to walk into the bedroom and he is all in bed not in bed like I want to fuck you but I am in bed and want to sleep. I walk in and say:
"Hey don't go to bed"
He replies: What's wrong..
Me: Is everything ok, do we not fuck as much because we live together?
S.: Of course not we have sex like 4-5 times a week
Me: Uhhh we only had sex like twice this week?
S.: No Honey I still think you are sexy?
Me: I know I just feel like I am always inititating, I want you to want me too.
S. I do want you, what is the problem...
Me: I'm sorry I just feel like sex is a barometer
S.: It is and I think we are great
Me: OH ok hun
Me thinking: FUCK me right now, I am naked next to you telling you I want to have more sex
Him and what he does: rolls over and goes to bed after giving me a kiss
Back to now: OK I understand sex shouldn't be everything but COME ON! Don't most men complain about their wives not wanting to have sex! I know he watched porn and I know, I know..... we do have sex more than most people I guess.
Maybe I am just insecure....maybe scared. Is it too much to ask for him to want to fuck me like he did when we first met? Probably....so what do I do?
Go outside in the living room while he is sleeping and look up some Scottish porn and masturbate. Yes you heard right masturbate when I have an able body man in the next room.
I pause to sip my glass and think how crazy is this! We aren't even married and have kids? Isn't that when it is supposed to ch age, fall beside the waist line...since your kids are number one and sleep sounds more sexual than sex? Jeeeeez I love S so much and when we do have sex it is fabulous. Truth be told he is the best lay I have ever had, but sometimes I want him to want me more. God I do sound like a needy girl so I guess that changes my perception on feeling like a man.
Plus I am leaving in three days for like four weeks for training. Gotta love that then when I get back three weeks later is our wedding. I have no fear in marrying him I just wish I didn't want sex so much. Wish I was like my girlfriends and just didn't care. Wish I could go without...wish I didn't have to use porn when a hot sexy man is in the other room. DAMN I am going to go back to my wine, have a cigarette and then crawl into bed with a hot sexy man who didn't want to fuck me tonight.
The question is....am I just being insecure or crazy?
Friday, April 11, 2008
Dispicable
OK, I deserve a lashing or rather a flogging...like one of those crazy monks who whipped themselves senseless while the black plague was taking over Europe. I have been so horrible at keeping up my blog. I swear it is not you...it's me and that is not a breakup line either. Between the new job, my girlfriends wedding, and my wedding life is so fucking crazy. So onto something interesting in my life.
Can I tell you how much I love my job...seriously I know this sounds crazy but the hype is true about Pharmaceuitcal reps. Most of them are gorgeous especially the women. I have met some of my territories counter parts and can I just tell you DAMN! This should make me feel insecure but rather it makes me feel pretty. I was picked to be in this elite club of people with no souls who hock drugs, make money and never pay for a car or gas. I know I know this sounds so horrible but after years of college, and grad school being poor it is wonderful to know I am going to be ok. (AKA I secretly feel like a souless beast in comparison to my friends who work for non-profits and help the world but I can't help wanting to work hard and see results).
Ok now that I completely sounded like an asshole in the first paragraph let me explain why I do what I do. See I have this inner relization that I am not a very classy or tactful person. I swear to much, drink to much, etc. So I overcompensate for this by doing things like going to grad school, getting jobs with prestige and or money to make it look like I am a respectable person in society...whne deep down in side I love to watch shows like Maury. "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER" and drink wine out of a box. Hmmm years of being poor have ingrained this into me.
It's funny and weird though because even though I want money, confortable life, etc I still never spend alot of money on myself. I am not a handbag girl..and believe it or not I own one. Yup you heard it right ONE BAG. Actually the bag I have no is a hand me down Coach bag from like 3 seasons ago (I would never know that, but whatever) and this occured because my one back strap completely fell apart. I have never had a nice, new car until now because again I cannot see spending that much money on something that will depreciate.
I would rather spend money on going out, a condo, memories...or lots of wine rather than material things. I am the queen of Marshalls and have never purchased GUCCI, Dolce and Gabbana, or any other designer who I think a 80 tank top is too much. Yet, most of my friends do. They all have tons of clothes, nice cars, bags, shoes, etc. While I am finding a two for one deal at the sale rack.
The other day S. made the most poingant observation. I had just come in from cleaning the inside of my car and I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone and she mentioned how she had washed the car but only the outside. We were laughing and saying we need to switch off so our cars would be fully cleaned. As I hung up S. stated "No suprirse there"
I repleid "What?"
S. returned with " You washed the inside and all of your friends wash their outside. See it just shows you that you care about what is inside and comfortable for you, while your girlfriends all care about the outside and what other people think"
I was stunned and realized it was true that most of my friends are slumming it with me since I never cared about stuff like that. Yet it makes me wonder why I gravitate to people who do. Is it because I want to be like that or try to change them....Well whatever it is it seems to be working.
Well off to scratch my ass, drink boxed wine, and watch Maury.
Can I tell you how much I love my job...seriously I know this sounds crazy but the hype is true about Pharmaceuitcal reps. Most of them are gorgeous especially the women. I have met some of my territories counter parts and can I just tell you DAMN! This should make me feel insecure but rather it makes me feel pretty. I was picked to be in this elite club of people with no souls who hock drugs, make money and never pay for a car or gas. I know I know this sounds so horrible but after years of college, and grad school being poor it is wonderful to know I am going to be ok. (AKA I secretly feel like a souless beast in comparison to my friends who work for non-profits and help the world but I can't help wanting to work hard and see results).
Ok now that I completely sounded like an asshole in the first paragraph let me explain why I do what I do. See I have this inner relization that I am not a very classy or tactful person. I swear to much, drink to much, etc. So I overcompensate for this by doing things like going to grad school, getting jobs with prestige and or money to make it look like I am a respectable person in society...whne deep down in side I love to watch shows like Maury. "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER" and drink wine out of a box. Hmmm years of being poor have ingrained this into me.
It's funny and weird though because even though I want money, confortable life, etc I still never spend alot of money on myself. I am not a handbag girl..and believe it or not I own one. Yup you heard it right ONE BAG. Actually the bag I have no is a hand me down Coach bag from like 3 seasons ago (I would never know that, but whatever) and this occured because my one back strap completely fell apart. I have never had a nice, new car until now because again I cannot see spending that much money on something that will depreciate.
I would rather spend money on going out, a condo, memories...or lots of wine rather than material things. I am the queen of Marshalls and have never purchased GUCCI, Dolce and Gabbana, or any other designer who I think a 80 tank top is too much. Yet, most of my friends do. They all have tons of clothes, nice cars, bags, shoes, etc. While I am finding a two for one deal at the sale rack.
The other day S. made the most poingant observation. I had just come in from cleaning the inside of my car and I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone and she mentioned how she had washed the car but only the outside. We were laughing and saying we need to switch off so our cars would be fully cleaned. As I hung up S. stated "No suprirse there"
I repleid "What?"
S. returned with " You washed the inside and all of your friends wash their outside. See it just shows you that you care about what is inside and comfortable for you, while your girlfriends all care about the outside and what other people think"
I was stunned and realized it was true that most of my friends are slumming it with me since I never cared about stuff like that. Yet it makes me wonder why I gravitate to people who do. Is it because I want to be like that or try to change them....Well whatever it is it seems to be working.
Well off to scratch my ass, drink boxed wine, and watch Maury.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)