The weekend Part 1...

Well this weekend was definitely crazy, fun and a little much. Lets see first off I went to the happy hour which turned out to be a lot of fun, and I got the cute R&D guy to go, but I found out real soon that he is just as damaged as I am right now. He got dumped by his long term girlfriend of 5 years about a month ago. Hmmm ok this could be good right, two messed up young people coming together….WAIT no that is not good because we work together. So we talked flirted and he asked for my number (I gave it after numerous blue moons, hehe) before he left. Well as I am bounding from one coworker to another (So many people showed up due to the fact that it was 4 peoples birthdays) bantering I start talking to Safety Guy….ended up spilling my guts about S. when Hot gym boy texts me about ignoring his calls, blah blah. I was up front and told him “WE have nothing in common at all, so why are we pretending?” He said he wanted to be friends..Ahhh OK friends should be able to have conversations but that is fine. Ease your ego big man and call us friends. It’s too bad I am not really physically attracted to Safety guy because his personality ROCKS. He is too funny and I love a good sick sense of humor. I definitely had an ego boost all night considering I paid for barely any drinks, convinced a random guy to share his pitcher with me, and even got a guy I yelled buying me drinks.
Apparently men love bitches and this is fine right now because I am bitter and have a wall up. I don’t care if I ever see any of these guys I have been dating or talking to. So continuing with the night….
After drinking till midnight and seeing two coworkers making out whom were so mismatched and in my craziest dreams could not have see that coming, I decided enough was enough and walked Safety guy to his car and gave him a hug goodbye. As I am driving home I am mad, mad at S. and men in general. So I decided to act like a man and call Hot gym boy. I asked him what he was doing and told him to come to his house. He dropped his friends immediately and came home. I basically told him to shut up so we can have sex. He kept trying to talk and although he has a great body and not a bad package I was sorely disappointed with his stamina. I was in and out in 25 mins! I hate having to pretend getting off but what was I going to do, try and talk to this guy. So I left and he made it clear that he wanted me to call him and he doesn’t mind the booty call arrangement. This is good for me but I don’t know if I feel like training him. It was actually a little liberating to act like a man. Although I feel bad to a certain extent, basically I am releasing my anger out on random men when we all know it is coming from S. The worst part is I know this but I also know I am not going to stop. I went home and saw that S. was online and I called. I know I know, shoot me now. BUT before you condemn me I was in a good mood and we had a great talk, well I was good on the phone S. was depressed (probably a fucking act) and we talked openly about everything. I told him I am getting better and better and the not seeing him/sleeping with him was really good for me. It was a long conversation over an hour, but it was nice to talk and hear his voice. I can’t wait for the day when we can be best friends, but sometimes I know that will A. Never happen or B. Take like 10 years and us to both fall in love with someone else. Finally by 3:30am I passed out after a long night…
I woke up early and went to the gym (my saving grace through this whole thing) and then met up with Rec. Guy for an afternoon date. We went to a scrimmage game to the state school. I am not a fan of football but we did more chatting than anything. It was getting cold so we went to a restaurant and I actually ate some greasy bad food which felt like a brick afterwards. Now the thing about Rec. Guy is that he is a sweet normal guy who is not bad but he is kind of boring. We don’t really have the same sense of humor and although he is adorable and a good-looking guy he doesn’t get me excited. So I am going to have to break the news to him that I don’t think it is going anywhere. I made sure to pick up our last lunch so I didn’t feel guilty.
I will continue to the rest of the weekend later today but off to a meeting…

Keep the Hate ALIVE!

Anger that is all I feel right now after that email S. sent me. How can you email me that I need to lay off the sauce when you are a blatant alcoholic! Well let me give you some background…when S. and I first met I was just out of college and still living the young partying life. I was no better I was partying on Tuesday night till the following Monday when I had to recoup for one night. I was only going to grad classes three nights a week and working part time so I after being gone for 4 years from my close friends loved to go out. Yet over the last 4 years I started to grow up and realize that getting smashed every night or weekend was not a good thing and getting kind of old. Well S. still on the weekends would get so fucking smashed that it was ridiculous. COME on at 28 you are still acting like you are 18. The last couple of years I realized this kid (which is what he is) does not know how to hold his liquer and is border line alcoholic. AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME I should watch what I am drinking, GO FUCK YOURSELF! I am not the one that has done more AA mandated classes and community service. Holy shit what was I thinking about being with this guy.
Other part of email that pisses me off to the point that I want to bludgeon him to death (of course I would never do that) is the “can you do me a favor and help me out with this?” Again my new response to anything S. says to me is going to be GO FUCK YOURSELF! You are asking me for help….how selfish are you? Me, ME, MEMEMEMEME! Always about him and what he needs. Sure…S I will help you save money so you can get a cheap flight go visit your rents and fuck random beach sluts, UHHHH I think not. So I decided to just not respond to the email. I am going to leave him hanging and not speak to him at all. I feel as though I am getting better and stronger everyday. I still miss him but I am realizing that he is not good enough for me. I am going to continue to go to the gym, date (I have a nice prospect tonight and so much better than the hot gym retard), and make sure I look fabulous the next time I see that piece of shit at the wedding. Well better get back to work…thank god I have this blog to express myself, it is helping so much. I can’t wait for the day I look back and realize I made the best decision getting rid of that selfish, alcoholic, basket case.

Single again....

Well today has been better. I think the weather and spending the night with S. on Sunday was still lingering yesterday. So I went over to the other building on my work campus and flirted with Safety guy. Safety guy approached me a long time ago for a date but I was still with S at the time so I politely declined. He is cute, older and funny as hell but 2 slight problem that I can’t believe I am going to even going to mention (well one more than the other). He has a bald spot, and he has an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I am more freaked out with the bald spot can you believe that! I can’t believe I am that shallow. I have never been that way, or maybe I have. I don’t have to have the most gorgeous guy in the world but there are a few things that turn me off and that is one of them. Safety guy does send me hilarious emails and banter which make me laugh my ass off so maybe I will keep talking to him. I have not mentioned that S. and I broke up because I don’t want to be barraged with him asking me out. I did forward the happy hour meet up for next week to see if he would go.
As for Greek guy (long story will share later) he has been emailing me as well. He has this intuitive sense and would always email me when S. and I were having problems. He has been one of the only men whom I thought about besides S. as being with over the last 4 years only thing that sucked was the sex. He was weird about it, nervous; acting like he wasn’t interested in that….yet PDA and his affection would be showered on me all the time. I gave him a couple of tries in that department and he failed miserably. Unfortunately at the time love and great sex brought me back to S. well I am quite able to examine Greek guy again since the slut S. likes sex a little too much, maybe someone with a slightly less drive would be good and he was great to hang out with.
Last but not least on the single life of me, I set up a match profile and put some new pics on my Devil…I mean Myspace and I have gotten responses already so let the dating commence. I know S. will be out there sleeping around so why can’t I go out and have some fun (not sleep around but dinner and a laugh)? Only thing that sucks is that I have to see him at a wedding in about a month and a half, so I have to find a suitable date and I have to continue to look fabulous. Hmmm maybe I won’t even care what he thinks by then (hmmmm who am I kidding). I will post a little more later….(this is so great to be able to put all my shit out there totally open and honest).

The healing rollercoaster..

I don’t know why but the roller coaster of healing is definitely a roller coaster. After the incident on Sunday (reminder I was pathetic and hung out with him) which made me feel shitty, I was doing better by Monday night. I actually just went to my insane cardio sculpting class (on a side note got a compliment on my lunges from the instructor which put a huge smile on my face), watched some TV, made dinner and went online a bit (put up some online profiles but need to actually get paid to pay for a subscription) but all in all was dealing with the loneliness quite well. I actually went to bed early and got 7 full hours of sleep.
Tuesday was ok, and I was feeling better and better. Went to a step class and got another compliment on how I was looking fabulous. It’s funny because the two compliments I got from trainers made me feel better in the last two days than any compliment from a man. My sister had called me and asked to hang out which I agreed and then MAC girl called as well and we went to a local bar we used to always hang out in. It was fun, sang some man hating Karaoke but the surprising thing was when some guys starting hitting on me. I didn’t feel better it just made me miss S. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can I miss a piece of shit like that? I tell myself over and over. SO I accept the shots and start to self medicate which is never good. The lowest point is when I got home to my dark lonely apartment and I did what I told myself I wouldn’t I called. Thank god he didn’t answer but I ask myself over and over why I can’t just let this guy go. I know, I know we have history it wasn’t always bad but the catastrophic mistakes he made should overshadow any good right?
I guess I just feel sad and angry at myself for sticking around so long. His birthday is this weekend which should be interesting. Divorcee friends’ situation will come up and I expect it. I have luckily MAC hanging with me so I won’t be alone. We might go to the southern party city since S. pretty much has claim to the central one. I do not want to go anywhere near there and have sanctioned it (in my head only) as his for a while. Secretly I want his birthday to suck and for him to realize that no one will ever be me or replace me, yet I know I should never be with him. Guess I just want him to be miserable like I am right now. Gross I am so disgusted with myself right now. I am going to make myself go to this new wine tasting event where I know nobody tomorrow. Guess I need to do double gym tonight (need that anyways since I feel so depressed). I will keep you posted on this weekend and how I feel I am going to make an ass out of myself one way or another.

Can I be any more lame...

I so need to put my crazy emotions out there…this blog is definitely therapeutic for me. So I started the weekend out going strong “KEEP the hate alive” has been my motto and it seems to be working. No contact with S. and I was doing good. Work was insane (I will post a whole other blog about that) so when 5pm came around I actually went to happy hour with co-workers and I had a pretty good time. Around 7pm I had gotten a hold of a new friend we will call Leslie and we agreed to meet up since she had recently dumped her super toxic boyfriend as well. She brought a friend which we will dub bootylicious and we had a couple of glasses of wine and headed out to the bars near my house. We had a good time and it was nice to laugh.
I hate when you are the only single girl out of your core group. I love my friends and they try very hard but they are all wrapped up in their own lives to be around as much as I would like them to. So I have been reaching out to new people which is a good thing.
Came home and passed out, the single life is not helping my liver what’s so ever and I seriously need to relax but of course the birthday party on Saturday for my girlfriend Hairstylist was going to be interesting. Her husband is best friends with S. and he was somewhat disinvested. I did not feel bad at any point because I offered to go away for the weekend and let S. go but Hairstylist was not having it. I stopped by my mothers arts dance charity event for a bit and then went over Hairstylists and began to drink heavily. The night was fun and started to get blurry by the end, I luckily just passed out and that was that.
I wake up with a wicked headache and to numerous calls from the Toxic S. and apparently my friends saw this and kept deleting the call log. Well Toxic S. is persistent and I awoke to “I miss you baby”..BABY that’s what I get after 4 years a “baby”. I was so irritated and pissed, he was probably so drunk he didn’t know which fucking baby he was texting. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I had a great workout due to him even with a hangover. He texted me in the early “Sorry I called you I just miss you, no response necessary” and at first I wasn’t going to respond but I did. “I miss you too but you did this all, it sucks wish I was enough for you.” Then nothing….all day I went to the gym, cleaned my house, watched a movie and then went over to Hairstylists to watch the new shot The Tudors on Showtime. The night consisted of wine and pizza, which was a little hard to take due to not having greasy food for a while but I got down two slices. I began getting more and more tipsy and please shoot me now I called the fucking toxic bastard. I am so lame…his father called me earlier and I wanted to let him know but we all know that is a lie. I just wanted to talk to him because I am so fucking pathetic. A long talk and me visiting (damn him, and my weak ways) we had a good night but when I left this morning I was so mad at myself. It was weird because we talked about how this was the right thing to do and how it is for the best. I even said to him…see we are so open in communication that we can talk about our own breakup. When people tell you to make a clean break they are definitely correct because I felt like shit in the morning and just bolted. I bolted like I was doing the walk of shame in college. I told him I loved him and that was that. I snuck out in hopes that no one would see me. See the pathetic lame woman who keeps allowing herself to care about this fucking piece of shit. I calmed myself as I drove to work and I am feeling better and better. I need to keep reminding me what a horrible person he is. He just lies and lies over and over. The weird thing is I know S. has love for me but he is so screwed up that he can’t offer me what I need or want. This is going to be a rough road ahead although everyday I feel stronger and stronger and I will be able to get over this schmuck and move on. I vow to myself to never let myself get dragged down again by such a toxic person.
On a side note the Greek emailed me back, and hot boy called but didn’t make a date with me yet. More posting will come with this craziness.
P.S. this whole blog will not be about just me dating, but the craziness of this crap is all I can focus on so bear with me.

Bro's before Hoes? Part one

Grrrr yesterday was a bit rough.
I went out with my good friend Cell guy who has always been there and I pretty much know he is really into me if not in love with me, but its weird because since I have known him either I have been involved (with S.) or he has as well. Besides that Cell guy has always been a great friend and so much fun. Sorry I am off on a tangent again, but on Wednesday night we went out to his friend Harpie (will explain later) who I like a lot but found some qualities a little disconcerting.
We went to her apartment drank some wine (my one true weakness) and began discussing our relationship troubles. My bitter diatribe recounted the situation with S. while Cell guy battled with the sex issues with his recent ex and lastly Harpie had a ten year relationship with a emotional abusive manipulative good looking liar. This is the moment I began to dub Harpie her name. This woman is gorgeous, nice, smart, but very bitter and obviously has a thing for Cell guy and in turn Cell guy was very attentive to her as well. They work together and get along very well. So I was a little bit of the third wheel but I was ok. I was a little weirded out to see that Cell guy acted like he liked her like he did with me when we hung out. Hmmm ok so that is why Cell guy has pretty girls as friends.
Honestly it was weird but I didn’t care that much and even said to Cell guy “You should go for it, she seems to be into you.” He was a little taken aback mentioning well what about wanting you, etc. I told him “I love you to death but I am not anywhere near that what’s so ever.” Not that Cell guy is in total “friend” zone (he is attractive) but we are good friends and unless we were in love or I just couldn’t control my attraction for him, I won’t wreck a three year friendship for me to screw him on the rebound.
So conversation of Cell guys ex came up and Harpie just went on a tirade about how they shouldn’t be with her, she’s a bitch, etc. Uhhhh hello I know the ex and she is a sweetheart amazing person except a cold fish in the sack. This does not make her the most horrible person in the world. She kept on it and looked to me more and more desperate for Cell guy. So as Harpie and I are outside smoking I started asking if she was into Cell guy. My premonition (which it was not hard to see) was correct and she really wanted to be with him. I politely said “you need to be careful with the bashing of the ex since they are so recently broken up….you don’t want Cell guy to be with you unless he is fully done with the ex. Resentment could build otherwise.” Then I brought up how I don’t understand how she hates her so much since she is so nice. We debated back and forth but when it comes down to it. WOMEN are horrible to each other if it is over a man. This is one aspect of being a woman I cannot stand. We will turn on each other as opposed to put the blame where it belongs nine times out of ten. We will forgive a cheating bastard and give the single woman the nickname skank whore. Do not get me wrong sometimes this is warranted but men do not exhibit this ridiculous reaction. They are logical and recognize where the anger should truly lie. I felt like Harpie how can you be so cold hearted when you pretended to be friends with the ex (whom I need to reiterate she is possibly one of the sweetest women I have ever met) but are trying to be a relationship breaker for your own gain? How about some comradery? Bro’s before hoes mentality would be nice within the vagina community. I bet a lot less women would put up with as much shit from a relationship and maybe, just maybe men would be forced to think about others feeling (yes I am a little bitter, but I do recognize there are women like this as well)
I think Harpie was a little annoyed at my honesty but I diverted the attention and got us back to laughing. At this point Hot Man (guy I met on Myspace) text me and I texted back and in a little bit of a drunken place called him. We had a 30 minute conversation and it was really nice. He seemed intelligent, funny….and the best trait he was almost in the same exact situation as I. Hmmm both emotionally bitter people just wanting some distraction. This could be perfect. He has either messaged me or talked to me since the say he messaged me so this could be a perfect rebound…..
The story gets more interesting but I will continue it later tonight.

Hmm Hot Marine boy...

OK...so I have just had this horrible long drawn out breakup with S. but surprisingly I am holding up quite well. No crying the last 3 days, still eating and going to the gym. Even the lame email he sent me about learning from me, he will miss me....all word vomit and lies, did not get me upset just more angry. I even got together the last few things I have to give back (via friends not in person) including his key to his apartment, hoodie and his childhood stuffed animal. (It was made mention that I should cut off and ear and send it back, hehehe!)
So last night I am hanging with MAC girl one of my good friends who was dumped recently and guy is calling and sleeping with her but not saying he wants to get back together thing. Oh hun we have all been there, especially with our first love/crush. She brought over these delicious eggplant wraps and pasta salad and we watched a movie.
Remember I said Myspace is the devil, well I still agree but it seems a perfect place for rebound boys and a little ego boost. See I have been on myspace for years (before it was so big) but I was alos always in a relationship so I never hunted on Myspace or became friends with random men.
Well now I am in a whole new world of Single MYSPACE. I got alot of emails and friend requests. So this makes me feel good but most are not anyone I would talk to (hmm creepy 50 year old pedophile) but there were a couple and one guy in particular. We will call him HOT MARINE man. Holy shit this guy is goodlooking. He seems like the perfect rebound. He is 31, was in the marines, is a personal trainer and works at the clothing store Hollister as a manager, and is applying to law school as we speak. On a physical level, he has a chiseled jaw and chest with big gorgeous blue eyes. Honeslty I usually fall for cute but rebound and lust (which is all I can deal with right now in my bitter stage) makes this guy a perfect canidate.
He emailed me a simple hi and I emailed back...well low and behold soon after I email him I get a respond and we ended up IMing for 20-30 minutes. Other great points...COMPLETE opposite of S. in the fact that he doesn't drink! Get this, he stopped drinking to concentrate on school. Holy shit a man who doesn't have a drinking problem and has self control. I admitted that I could give up most booze but not my red wine. I will have to examine this straight edge lifestyle to see what it is like. Just from the IM and picture exchange (I gave some good pics and not so good pics so he had a true depiction of me) he surprisingly gave me his number (Ok so he is either shy like he said he was or he is a complete slut).
Oh and on a side note…MAC girl was with me and acting like a little school girl like me as well. That is when we came up with HOT MAN (name) for him. Its funny how a little ego boost can brighten your day even for a few minutes. Luckily I am in that “I don’t give a shit if you ever call me or see me again because all men should die” mentality but a hot man can definitely bring a smile to your face. Let’s think about this….He is gorgeous, muscular, can get me discounts from a great clothing store, smart, and going to Law school. Hmmmm what else do I need in a lust relationship? Hopefully if we actually get together and start to hang out he won’t be awful in person or in bed. I will keep you updated but should get to some real work….

Not too bad..

Well I am holding in there, hanging out with friends, hitting the gym like there is no tomorrow.
I hate the whole divorcee friends thing though. See, one of my best friend StylistExtrodenar (whom I have been friends with for 10 years) met her now husband through S. (his best friend and old roommate for 4 years) so they definately feel the aftermath of this. Last night I stopped over and visited and had not seen them since the horrible saturday night fiasco with S. Stylist had no problem dishing out derogatory comments about S. but I kind of felt bad for her husband. Let's face it even though I love Stylist husband, I would not stop being friends or think negatively about Hairstylist. I cut back on the angery converstation and swtiched the subject.
It was so hard to not ask about it, but I refrained because my anger is still too much.
S. emailed me some bullshit email about learning alot from me (hmm that I built your sorry ass confidence up) and he didn't regret meeting me or being with me (sorry buddy I do not reciprocate that feeling which is no surprise since i was nothing but faithful and supportive to you over the last 4 years) and the infamous I hope you find happiness and I will miss you line. Thank god I am so angry because normally this bullshit lines might work. Too much damage has been done and baiscally I realize he was nothing but a liar keeping me around for support but wasn't ready to be with only one person.
As my good friend Cell guy (I should have dated him instead of S.) states "Keep the hate alive" and another friend of mine MAC (who was recently dumped as well) states "Don't waste the Pretty" I continue to tell myself this over and over....

Plane has crashed and burned...

Ohhh it is finally done with S.! THANK GOD I FOUND OUT NOW! I always said hope for nothing, expect the worse with him. I was so mad and it ended nasty which I did intentionally so that there would be no back and forth. I got him pretty mad with the mean comments I put out there. I brought up things I know are his soft spots (which I never have in any fight with him in the past) but without going into all the details I can say without a doubt this burning plane of a relationship has finally crashed. I feel so many emotions, anger, sadness, relief, and indifference all at the same time. I am sure it will come in waves over the next year or so of healing. I need to drop off his key and some stuff but I am just going to give it to mutual friends so I don’t have to deal with it. I wonder how I allowed myself to be so blind when in the past I never did that. How could I go from the nice guys to this, thank god I never did marry him! He will be someone else’s problem and I will no longer be his crutch. It’s a new day and the next few months are going to be hard but you know what I will survive this and one day just look back and laugh at how I was ever with this guy for so long. Thank god for this blog, my journal, my open book of feelings. And thank god for my friends and family they are the best ever. Back to work and on with a new chapter in my life.

So depressed...

I do not know what is wrong with me today, but I am so depressed. Maybe its the weather but I am pretty sure it's this whole situation with S. This whole situation I hate because I hate him, and more so myself. I don’t know why I love him so much and let him have such a hold on me. I NEVER, EVER let anyone have this much of me and even worse someone who doesn’t appreciate it or can’t get over there baggage to do so. The following song is how I feel about the whole thing….

"Addicted"

It's like you're a drug

It's like you're a demon I can't face down

It's like I'm stuck

It's like I'm running from you all the time

And I know I let you have all the power

It's like the only company I seek is misery all around

It's like you're a leechSucking the life from me

It's like I can't breathe

Without you inside of me

And I know I let you have all the power

And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't thinkWithout you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost

It's like I'm giving up slowly

It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me

Leave me alone

And I know these voices in my head

Are mine alone

And I know I'll never change my ways

If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on youI need a fix

I can't take itJust one more hit

I promise I can deal with it

I'll handle it, quit it

Just one more timeT

hen that's it

Just a little bit more to get me through this

I'm hooked on youI need a fix

I can't take it

Just one more hit

I promise I can deal with it

I'll handle it, quit it

Just one more timeThen that's it

Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe

It's like I can't see anything

Nothing but you

I'm addicted to you

It's like I can't think

Without you interrupting me

In my thoughts

In my dreams

You've taken over me

It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me


On St. Patty’s I got totally inebriated and had a blast but apparently I gave some guy my number (which I do not remember at all) and he called to see if I wanted to date. I at that moment was mad at S. because I thought he wasn’t returning my text and call (wait am I 14 or 25?) and in anger I agreed to go out on a date with him. Forward to last night I was super bummed about the situation and today I decided I am not going to be a person who uses another to temporarily make me feel better. I have been told rebound guys are necessary and I can understand why but at the same time I don’t feel right using someone when I know my heart is still with S. (especially if the person seems nice). The worst part is that part of me hopes it will work out but part of me knows he will never. I should just walk away and save myself from all this pain. Yet at the same token why did I agree to go out with him tonight then. WTF! I just want to feel whole again. I feel like I am on a slow burning plane that is inevitably going to blow up, but instead of jumping to the safety of the ocean I keep trying to maneuver the plane.
There are so many wonderful things about S. I know I have yet to state them, but there is. He is definitely my best friend, he understands me and even more can stand up to me. I am a pretty blunt upfront independent girl. He can handle that and makes me laugh all the time. He is amazing in the sack and always makes me feel sexy as hell. He has the same sense of humor and is a hard worker. He is really intelligent and can switch gears from a debate over social paradigms to fart jokes. But all of these things are totally masked with the inability to commit to anything and the age old “ I don’t know if I want to marry (which means me)?” I should just leave and save myself from a lifetime of misery but apparently I am a sadomasochist. I thought this shit was supposed to happen when you were 16 and not know…..this is so not my year!

P.S. this blog has definately been an emotional outlet for me which seems to be helping a bit...

What is the deal?

So I get home from work last night and actually saw my roommate (we’ll call Sharon) whom has been MIA since she has a new man. Do not get me wrong Sharon is one of my true best friends who was definitely there for me with this whole crazy breakup, back together, breakup limbo crap situation I have with S. She was the true friend who dropped everything and invited me out because she knows how I don’t deal with my own thoughts very well.
On the topic of friends it is crazy how you realize who are true friends and those who are convenient fun friends when you go through something like this. I was surprised because I have some friends whom have been there before when I was falling apart but now really are not. To the point where I ask myself why am I friends with them. My main problem is I am classified as a giver. Our couples counselor (S. and I even tried that) told me that I am too much of a giver to my friends and family and constantly do not put myself first. So when I fall apart (which happens maybe once every two years) and I do not receive the same emotional support I give makes me fall deeper into depression, if not angers me. It was crazy to hear him say you have to stop being the giver or else you will burn out by the time you are 35. I have such issues with this…..why do I have to stop caring about people and giving? Treat others as you would be treated? Am I naïve to this my friends of ten years or more can do that? Apparently now that they are married or in a Long term relationship it is. The bizarre thing is that even though S. and I were together for almost 4 years (not really sure what we are now) I never once not included my friends or flat out dropped everything for them when they needed it (especially with the matters of the heart). Dammit the stress of this is the last thing I need. So the question is do I change my ways to become another selfish person in the sea of many (firm belief that the whole change of taking care of yourself first all the time, etc is the reason that divorce is so high, sometimes it is valid and sometimes not) or do I continue to be who I am (guess coming from a large, strong loving family made me that way) and realize that people will not change and accept them for who they are?

P.S.: S. texted me how he wishes I was there because he was doing laundry and we used to do it together (kind of a ritual)…hmmm is that a compliment or do you not like to fold? What is the deal with this man…..

Myspace is the devil

MYSPACE, is seriously the Devil. Yes it has its advatages of keeping in contact with people you really do not want to talk to but it also serves as a horrible portal of competition, voyearism, and sluttiness (men and women). I love seeing all the myspace skanks and men whom show there true colors. I love when a guy messages you and when you look at their page it has 8 million girls with no clothes on. I wonder what kind of class he has? Even better I got a couple of friend requests from some real creepy guys. One had a foot fetish (so of course i had to check out his space) and this 40 something old man had picutres with 18 year old girls licking there feet. I guess I should be flattered since I appeared to be above his normal age group, hehe! Even with breakups I find myself checking out exes (especially S.) and I get upset when I see new random ladies with no clothes on. It just makes it harder to not care, NO clean break here with myspace. So how is it I know that Myspace is awful but I still use it? Dammit!

Can it get any worse!

So I have to ask myself "What the hell else can go wrong this month?" Is this seriously all occruing at the same time. I swear the old cliche is true BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN THREE. So S. and I broke up, I just couldn't take it anymore....granted I am still madly in love with him! But even though I technically broke it off with him (in a hysterical mess) I truley feel like he dumped me. After 4 years and so much bullshit what was I to do when he said " I don't think I ever want to get married" Well dumbass that means you don't want to marry me. He looked shocked when I ended it and the last three weeks have been back and forth, him showing up at my place upset, me calling him...DRAMA, DRAMA and more drama. I do not understand why i just can't let S. go? Is love this passionate and addictive healthy? Does not help that the sex is the most amazing in my life. Well I will continue in a bit the other crazy things occuring...but to all the quarter life babies out there I have a question....Is a live with too much passion a good thing for a real long term relationship?