I do not know what is wrong with me today, but I am so depressed. Maybe its the weather but I am pretty sure it's this whole situation with S. This whole situation I hate because I hate him, and more so myself. I don’t know why I love him so much and let him have such a hold on me. I NEVER, EVER let anyone have this much of me and even worse someone who doesn’t appreciate it or can’t get over there baggage to do so. The following song is how I feel about the whole thing….
"Addicted"
"Addicted"
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leechSucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't thinkWithout you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
I'm hooked on youI need a fix
I can't take itJust one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more timeT
hen that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on youI need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more timeThen that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
On St. Patty’s I got totally inebriated and had a blast but apparently I gave some guy my number (which I do not remember at all) and he called to see if I wanted to date. I at that moment was mad at S. because I thought he wasn’t returning my text and call (wait am I 14 or 25?) and in anger I agreed to go out on a date with him. Forward to last night I was super bummed about the situation and today I decided I am not going to be a person who uses another to temporarily make me feel better. I have been told rebound guys are necessary and I can understand why but at the same time I don’t feel right using someone when I know my heart is still with S. (especially if the person seems nice). The worst part is that part of me hopes it will work out but part of me knows he will never. I should just walk away and save myself from all this pain. Yet at the same token why did I agree to go out with him tonight then. WTF! I just want to feel whole again. I feel like I am on a slow burning plane that is inevitably going to blow up, but instead of jumping to the safety of the ocean I keep trying to maneuver the plane.
There are so many wonderful things about S. I know I have yet to state them, but there is. He is definitely my best friend, he understands me and even more can stand up to me. I am a pretty blunt upfront independent girl. He can handle that and makes me laugh all the time. He is amazing in the sack and always makes me feel sexy as hell. He has the same sense of humor and is a hard worker. He is really intelligent and can switch gears from a debate over social paradigms to fart jokes. But all of these things are totally masked with the inability to commit to anything and the age old “ I don’t know if I want to marry (which means me)?” I should just leave and save myself from a lifetime of misery but apparently I am a sadomasochist. I thought this shit was supposed to happen when you were 16 and not know…..this is so not my year!
On St. Patty’s I got totally inebriated and had a blast but apparently I gave some guy my number (which I do not remember at all) and he called to see if I wanted to date. I at that moment was mad at S. because I thought he wasn’t returning my text and call (wait am I 14 or 25?) and in anger I agreed to go out on a date with him. Forward to last night I was super bummed about the situation and today I decided I am not going to be a person who uses another to temporarily make me feel better. I have been told rebound guys are necessary and I can understand why but at the same time I don’t feel right using someone when I know my heart is still with S. (especially if the person seems nice). The worst part is that part of me hopes it will work out but part of me knows he will never. I should just walk away and save myself from all this pain. Yet at the same token why did I agree to go out with him tonight then. WTF! I just want to feel whole again. I feel like I am on a slow burning plane that is inevitably going to blow up, but instead of jumping to the safety of the ocean I keep trying to maneuver the plane.
There are so many wonderful things about S. I know I have yet to state them, but there is. He is definitely my best friend, he understands me and even more can stand up to me. I am a pretty blunt upfront independent girl. He can handle that and makes me laugh all the time. He is amazing in the sack and always makes me feel sexy as hell. He has the same sense of humor and is a hard worker. He is really intelligent and can switch gears from a debate over social paradigms to fart jokes. But all of these things are totally masked with the inability to commit to anything and the age old “ I don’t know if I want to marry (which means me)?” I should just leave and save myself from a lifetime of misery but apparently I am a sadomasochist. I thought this shit was supposed to happen when you were 16 and not know…..this is so not my year!
P.S. this blog has definately been an emotional outlet for me which seems to be helping a bit...
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