Dammit, this weekend was AMAZING! I am so angry at myself; you may be asking “Why are you mad at an amazing weekend?”….because it was with S. We had to work on catered private parties in Boston (long story short we committed to this charity in October for my sister, and broke up 4 weeks ago with the whole on and off crap) and it was like we were still together. We stayed at my sister and brother in laws outside of Boston, but my family does not know we are in this weird broken up, limbo, trying to work it out, but keep my distance relationship (I know, I know its crazy) because I could not afford for S. to back out of this commitment in fear of my family giving him the cold shoulder.
We have not spent any consecutive days together in a month (random late night calls, and showing up at my apartment crying, upset, etc) but this weekend was like how it used to be. I made sure to not fight with him or get upset and just have a good time (secretly I just want him to know how amazing I am) and of course the sex, lovemaking was amazing. He is my best friend and it is so hard to not just let myself get back with him fully. The problem is after so much I just don’t want to get hurt again. I want to keep my distance to see if he can handle it but I also miss him dearly. DAMMIT why does everything have to be so complicated? He always appears to be sincere but his action are so retarded that I try to keep telling myself over and over “ DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!” but yet I slowly see myself (especially after this weekend) falling back into him.
I will give everyone advice…..Do not integrate your man fully into your group of friends because this is definitely making this difficult. I feel sometimes that if we didn’t share all of the same friends a clean break could have occurred (or am I just lying to myself). How can one person have so much control over your heart and soul? Granted he has definitely been affected by this and has shown that he is upset and emotional (this guy is a manly man to so it makes me feel good to see him cry out for me as well) but I think too much damage has been done and the trust is so hard to get back.
I am petrified that in a year he will pull the same “I don’t think I want to get married?” Do not get me wrong…I was not pressuring for a ring now, but after almost 4 years and talking openly about marriage I thought within the next year. Hmmmm look I am rambling and letting him get into my head again! Must stop and get to work, maybe for a few hours I will not think about him….maybe?
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