SO I haven’t written in a few days because once again I find myself drawn to S. This guy is such a ridiculous paradox and I know men can be simple, black and white, blah BULLSHIT. So I hadn’t talked to S. on Monday (went to the Meat Market) and then on Tuesday I made a point to not call. I know his day off is wed. So he would be doing something fun. So I was glad when my roommate was home and my girlfriend Melissa (who is going through a difficult breakup as well, poor thing got dumped) were around. So I went to the gym and got home to make dinner and drink some wine with my girls. We sat around and bitched about S. and Immature Dumb ass (that’s Melissa’s ex) and drank more wine. I was getting a little more and more tipsy and of course like a fucking retard I text him “hope you are having fun” DAMMIT, drunk text or dial never good always shows weakness….which I am tired of having with this man. Oh well I decided to not wait for a return and took my sleeping pill (I love Rozerum) and said goodbye to Melissa and crawled into my lonely bed. Hmmm sleep came quickly around 11:30pm..
Well fast forward to about 3 am when my phone vibrates to wake me up…its S. leaving a text “It’s so lonely in my bed without you I can barely fall asleep” so I text back I miss you too (yes I am retarded but I do) and he called immediately. He sounded drunk but not plastered and mentioned he went to the dive bar near his apartment with a roommate. He said he missed me and I told him the same. Asked about his night, which was mostly drinking and hanging with about 4 other people in the bar and were girls. Whatever surprisingly that didn’t bother me since I have frequently visited this bar and the women look like country old bumpkins. So I proceed to explain about Monday night and S. actually got upset and jealous. It was crazy and actually made me smile to see him get insecure because that is how I have been feeling with him for a long time. He freaked out and I didn’t apologize but I went over to calm him. He was upset about me hanging out with friends whom I had slept with in the past; one in particular, which to be honest would ditch his girlfriend of three years right now for me. I know this but he has never overstepped his bounds and we are really good friends. He and Sharon have been there during my hysterical crying lonely fits and I will never forget that. Usually S. is so cool, calm and collective so it was nice to see him freaking out about how he is going crazy thinking about me with anyone else. He kept telling me he wanted to be together and none of this separation, etc. I just looked at him and asked “Do you want to get married ever?” He responded “I can’t imagine my life without you, but….” The dreaded but! “I am afraid to get married.” I responded “Then this cannot change.” WHAT THE HECK? How can you in one breath say you can never imagine your future or life without me, but you can’t get married? I explained I am not going to have children out of wedlock, or being someone’s baby mamma live in girlfriend. I came from a tight nit Irish polish catholic family and that is what I want. My parents have had there problems but still love each other and raised 4 daughters whom are all college graduates with direction, goals and dreams (an no records, hehe). S. kept saying he doesn’t know why he feels this way? UHHH DUHHH I am not a shrink and I can break it down for you. Your parents are hippies who never committed to anything in there life! They never got married, never went or finished school, never stayed in one place, couldn’t keep jobs, and smoked pot all the time. Then lets move on to the loser friends you used to hang out with and your first love. Hmmm friends all have been in and out of jail, your ex of 5 years was going no where, was a stripper and finally left you when she realized she needed to do something to change this and joined the army! Hmmm I wonder where you get it from. Oh lets not forget the drinking problem you have. Apparently he needs a shrink to tell him, which is fine.
The worse part is as I type this I realize I have become one of those women I hate…before S. I never put up with any garbage which is why before S. I always had nice guy boyfriends. I need to keep this distance so that when S. messes up again I will not care. These intertwined friends’ is definitely dragging out the inevitable. Questions for you twenty something’s out there….have you dealt with a break up where you had to have contact (children, work, friends, etc?) how did you deal with it?
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