You know what there is not even a reason to continue describing the rest of the weekend. Short version I went out on St. Patty’s day with my friends and had a blast and low and behold S. showed up in a cab at 2am. I of course didn’t turn him away but we didn’t have sex either. Then the next day we went to our scheduled date to see a concert and I had a blast. It was like old times….but you see that is the problem I can’t let myself believe it will be good. Actually old times were not always great because of S. cataclysmic mistakes he makes about once every year. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just let this guy think everything can go back to normal on his terms. HELL NO!
So he called and texted me yesterday and we bantered back and forth but when he asked me to come over I told him “How does me coming over and fucking you clarify stuff for you?” He responded “OUCH I am sorry I just want to see you and miss you” I responded “I Miss you too but you have to figure your shit out so I won’t get hurt again” His response “I am so sorry I got u into this mess, I love you” He then called. He apologized etc. I told him listen it isn’t about apologies anymore it’s about you getting your stuff together because you don’t know what you want. He of course is like “I can’t picture my life without you, I know it will work out with us, etc” OH REALLY will it, then what are you so fucking afraid of? Why don’t you just tell me you have no doubt that you want to marry me?
As I type this I don’t understand how or why I don’t run for the hills? He is blatantly telling me he has commitment issues with all of life, and I am expected to sit around and see if he figures it out? This is crazy and retarded…..I have never in my whole life put up with this much bullshit? How at 25 am I doing the old song and dance with a “Bad Boy”. I was always the sucker for nice guys and never gave shitheads the time of day. This is no excuse but S. definitely came off as the “nice guy” for a long time. We didn’t have sex for 2-3 months, he has been faithful to his last girlfriend of 5 years (I believe past relationships are totally indicative of how they will be with you) and he acted like he worshipped me. My family and friends all could not believe some of the shit S. has done. I hope this blog will continue to help me express my emotions and clarify what the hell I am doing. So I am sorry to not explain the whole weekend in detail but I feel angry and strong today and do not feel S is worthy of posting a nice blog about.
On a better note….I am being so good about working out and eating right that my whole body is looking fabulous! I am determined to have the body of my dreams by summer and the rate I am going its not going to be impossible. I have been able to wear things I haven’t since high school! Personal tragedy is the best diet apparently, hehehe!
No comments:
Post a Comment