Holy shit I had the most bizarre nightmare last night. I will not go into the whole long drawn out version but short story is that S. hit on some girl right in front of me and I broke it off. I proceeded to warn the new girl, and as I was walking out I saw my ex of 4 years (guy I was with before S. and all through college) and we reconnected. It has always been a back and forth of the ex and S.
The ex and I were engaged but I was so young and not ready and he had never been with anyone else. I remember when I was engaged with the ex I started having dreams and nightmares then too. I woke up so pissed and realized it was a nightmare. It was so vivid I was ready to walk out and needed to calm myself. The only good thing is right at that moment S. put his strong arms around me and cuddled, felt really good but my heart was running a million miles a minute. How can dreams be so real, and why am I dreaming about an ex? Sometimes just sometimes I feel like a guy. I have to remember to not freak out. I think I am starting to wig out a bit since the condo closing is coming closer and that is the first thing that really links us together. Why can't I just relax, and stop thinking like a man? Isn't the man supposed to be freaked out about commitment? I want to marry him and I love him but these dreams are not helping me!
Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Part two....NOT EVEN GOING TO TYPE IT!
You know what there is not even a reason to continue describing the rest of the weekend. Short version I went out on St. Patty’s day with my friends and had a blast and low and behold S. showed up in a cab at 2am. I of course didn’t turn him away but we didn’t have sex either. Then the next day we went to our scheduled date to see a concert and I had a blast. It was like old times….but you see that is the problem I can’t let myself believe it will be good. Actually old times were not always great because of S. cataclysmic mistakes he makes about once every year. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just let this guy think everything can go back to normal on his terms. HELL NO!
So he called and texted me yesterday and we bantered back and forth but when he asked me to come over I told him “How does me coming over and fucking you clarify stuff for you?” He responded “OUCH I am sorry I just want to see you and miss you” I responded “I Miss you too but you have to figure your shit out so I won’t get hurt again” His response “I am so sorry I got u into this mess, I love you” He then called. He apologized etc. I told him listen it isn’t about apologies anymore it’s about you getting your stuff together because you don’t know what you want. He of course is like “I can’t picture my life without you, I know it will work out with us, etc” OH REALLY will it, then what are you so fucking afraid of? Why don’t you just tell me you have no doubt that you want to marry me?
As I type this I don’t understand how or why I don’t run for the hills? He is blatantly telling me he has commitment issues with all of life, and I am expected to sit around and see if he figures it out? This is crazy and retarded…..I have never in my whole life put up with this much bullshit? How at 25 am I doing the old song and dance with a “Bad Boy”. I was always the sucker for nice guys and never gave shitheads the time of day. This is no excuse but S. definitely came off as the “nice guy” for a long time. We didn’t have sex for 2-3 months, he has been faithful to his last girlfriend of 5 years (I believe past relationships are totally indicative of how they will be with you) and he acted like he worshipped me. My family and friends all could not believe some of the shit S. has done. I hope this blog will continue to help me express my emotions and clarify what the hell I am doing. So I am sorry to not explain the whole weekend in detail but I feel angry and strong today and do not feel S is worthy of posting a nice blog about.
On a better note….I am being so good about working out and eating right that my whole body is looking fabulous! I am determined to have the body of my dreams by summer and the rate I am going its not going to be impossible. I have been able to wear things I haven’t since high school! Personal tragedy is the best diet apparently, hehehe!
So he called and texted me yesterday and we bantered back and forth but when he asked me to come over I told him “How does me coming over and fucking you clarify stuff for you?” He responded “OUCH I am sorry I just want to see you and miss you” I responded “I Miss you too but you have to figure your shit out so I won’t get hurt again” His response “I am so sorry I got u into this mess, I love you” He then called. He apologized etc. I told him listen it isn’t about apologies anymore it’s about you getting your stuff together because you don’t know what you want. He of course is like “I can’t picture my life without you, I know it will work out with us, etc” OH REALLY will it, then what are you so fucking afraid of? Why don’t you just tell me you have no doubt that you want to marry me?
As I type this I don’t understand how or why I don’t run for the hills? He is blatantly telling me he has commitment issues with all of life, and I am expected to sit around and see if he figures it out? This is crazy and retarded…..I have never in my whole life put up with this much bullshit? How at 25 am I doing the old song and dance with a “Bad Boy”. I was always the sucker for nice guys and never gave shitheads the time of day. This is no excuse but S. definitely came off as the “nice guy” for a long time. We didn’t have sex for 2-3 months, he has been faithful to his last girlfriend of 5 years (I believe past relationships are totally indicative of how they will be with you) and he acted like he worshipped me. My family and friends all could not believe some of the shit S. has done. I hope this blog will continue to help me express my emotions and clarify what the hell I am doing. So I am sorry to not explain the whole weekend in detail but I feel angry and strong today and do not feel S is worthy of posting a nice blog about.
On a better note….I am being so good about working out and eating right that my whole body is looking fabulous! I am determined to have the body of my dreams by summer and the rate I am going its not going to be impossible. I have been able to wear things I haven’t since high school! Personal tragedy is the best diet apparently, hehehe!
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