I am officialy insane

FUCK me, fuck life, fuck everything…well not everything. I seriously don’t know what my problem is. Well that is a lie I do know what my problem is. I love S. but I am totally insecure and because of past issues with him have become a total jealous girlfriend who is suspicious of everything. When S. and I first started dating 4 years ago it was never like that, EVER. He would say over and over how great it was to be with a girl who wasn’t the jealous type. See I always have had guy friends and didn’t sleep with them so I assumed that guys could handle the same, well low and behold early in the relationship after a drunken night when I wasn’t around S. did not show me the same restraint. Hence a breakup, and him crawling after me for a while. I was devastated and didn’t know how to react. Up to this point I had never been or at least never found out about someone cheating on me. Now I know why would you take him back why? Well I do love him (ewwww) but also I have had sex with no emotion, know sometimes it doesn’t mean anything and people make mistakes. All of these are true but let’s face it when it comes to S. I am just fucking pathetic. I have accepted this, well sorta.

After getting back together, couples counseling and a lot of ups and downs we are still together but I still can’t get over the issues from the past. Unless he is giving me all his attention I start to get suspicious I do those horrible snooping and what not. I find myself trying to calm my insecurities but then I will get drunk and they all come out. Example I have S. passwords to most of his accounts and yesterday one was changed….hmmm instead of thinking something normal like the computer asked for a change or whatever I immediately think the worse. He is cheating on me…I have no proof, no indication, he hangs out with me, moved in with me, bought me a ring, etc. etc. etc. but I can’t help the horrible thoughts running through my head. It makes me do things like check the history on the computer and things of that nature. Part of me is just looking for things to go wrong. When we got back together I told him “Be prepared for someone who will always be suspicious, I did forgive but women never forget.” Then I ask why do I do this, why do I stay, why can’t I let go. Why is it so hard to move on and let this go…I just want to be normal again. I want to be secure that even if he is attracted to others (which we all are) he will not act on it. I think we have been through a lot which is good and shows we are both in for the long haul, but I can’t help and think….S. is great now but what about 10 years down the road. He is going to get complacent and seven year itch will set in and some tramp half my age will hit on him while I am at home watching the three kids, which in turn will cause me to stab him and spend twenty years in prison. (God I sound crazy huh!)



Sometimes begin friends with men (don’t get me wrong I love my girls too) just helps you feel more depressed about how men are. Since these guy friends are open and honest in front of me you hear the true thinking’s of men and honestly women it is as crude, macho, and perverted as you think. Most men think this way some just know not to say it out loud while others don’t. I have numerous guy friends who to the outside world are exactly what a woman wants, I mean “chick flick” guy in shining armor. Yet their thought process is still the same as the dickhead player. Now they act on their impulses less if at all but still they think the same. This started to get me super depressed when I lived with the 4 guys for about 3-4 months. Sometimes you think, what’s the point! I will get old and they will want younger and hotter. Other days I have faith and think men can rise above that crap. I guess I am just having a bad day, and my insecurities are really coming out.

Thank god for this blog because here I can spew all my craziness out and not actually launch it on any poor person in my life. It helps to just vent and place all the crazy ramblings in my head out there so that it isn’t just stuck up there. If you keep it stuck in your brain it will drive you insane. So I guess it is better to sound insane on my anonymous blog than BE insane in real life right?