I hate being crazy in love...

Why am I so fucking insecure? I can feel it creeping up slowely and seeping through my veins making me jittery and nervous. I couldn't help myself and checked out the email on S. phone and there were websites on there that were problems with us in the past. Now I don't know how long ago it was since there are no time stamps and I don't want to jump down his throught since I was on websites when we were broken up as well and I am getting them unsubscribed all the time. I feel so fucking crazy sometimes and don't know how to handle it. I find myself reviterting to a pathetic female that I hate and despise. Don't say anything because it may be wrong and you could push him away, things are so good, pick your battles. What the fuck I don't know what to do? I love him but his past mistakes make it so hard for me and plus lets not forget that women never fucking forget. We may forgive but we never ever FORGET. I wish I could. Sometimes I wish I could be like Kate Winslet from that "Spotless eternal mind suinshine" movie. Just erase bad memories or S all together. I feel like he loves me and he is being faithful but my insecurities are driving me insane. I am going to have to stay away from booze and let this thought sink for a bit until I either realize I am crazy or I need to bring it up. This man somehow (not even knowing) makes me so crazy. Somedays in a good way and others in a shitty way. We had such an amazing love session and as I lay down I almost wanted to cry (I didn't) because I love him so much that it hurts to think he doesn't love me the same. Is too much love and passion good for a person. We have been together for about 4 and a half years and I still am crazy about him. I worry that he will fuck me over, I worry that I will push him away, I am afraid that I am wasting my time on him, but at the same time I am worried that I could walk away from this man whom I love more than myself. God why is this man so important to me, has the shit he pulled inadvertantly made me a pathetic girl or am I just in love and realizing that a real lasting relationship is hard and comes with trials. When is too much too much? I don't even know if i should give him the benefit of the doubt or just assume he fucked up? What is easier? Fuck I need to do some work and stop harping like I always fucking do....