A little background on the family

OK, I am going to explain a bit about me and my family. I overall can say i have a normal upbringing and feel very blessed with my family. After 30 years my parents are still married and mostly happy. I also have three sisters. YUP I said three so my poor father was stuck with 5 women at the house and at one point we all had our monthly friend. Sometimes I am in shock he isn't in a mental ward bouncing against some walls. So onto the explainations of my family...

My father: Irish catholic man who came form a family of 11 kids so having 4 was absolutely no big thing. He is extremely kind, patient, laid back and smart. All of these things make him amazing but at the same time after he came back from Vietnam (at least this is what my mother says) he was not the same. He is not an alcoholic but for such a brilliant man he isn't really doing anything with his life. He is a janitor. I am not bashing this and would never put down my father but he has a bachelor degree and is an amazing artist. So explain to me how he is just a janitor? It appears that my father does not do anything over the top unless he believes he can do it 100 % which lets face it is not most things. Hence he does nothing. Basically my father is not a father who takes care of the family monetarily but emotionally. He is so amazing with children and my grandmother sometimes it even amazes me. So overall I cannot compalin about my father except for that time that he forgot me at the baseball field on the bad side of town for 4 hours (Imagine a 13 year old girl trying to steer cleer of crackheads in her powder blue catholic school softball uniform, hehe)

Mother: Ahhh my mother...she is definately the leader of our family. A scrapper, intelligent, organized, hard working, over stressed, dramatic, crazy women. She is one strong cookie and definately (except for my little sister) raised us to be the same. She put herself through school, grew up in the sixties, went to woodstock, burned her bra and has owned her own successful advertising agency and raised 4 daughters. Pretty damn impressive. She is my hero and best friend and as I get older we are closer and closer. I love her but over the last ten years I have realized that as stressed as she is she feeds off of it. She loves it no matter what she says. She in turn can be very negative, complaining alot and that is fine for me but to be so cynical sometimes is almost unhealthy. She has a tendency to baby the youngest as well so they have this horrible hate love realitonship which I then get the call from Momma dukes (after a couple glasses of wine) and have to hear about their ridiculous squabble.

Oldest sister Mrs. DINK: Mrs Dink is an amazing sister who has pretty much had the perfect life. Everything has always fallen into place for her. Beautiful, smart, been with the same man for ten years, married, husband is really well off, etc. etc. etc. Now even though her husband and her are total YUPPIE's and DINKS (double income no children) she is also the most caring person ever. To make myself feel bad all I have to do is call her. She helps elderly people, mentors mentally handicapped children, teaches a CCD class, etc. Did I mention she works for a Non-profit company? She is amazing but sometimes I am remind that I did nothing this last week to help the world except not try to puke after too many drinks at the bar.

Second sister Ms. Insecurity: My second sister is also a sweet gentle thing. She has always been kind of insecure considering she had a learning disability growing up so she felt different from my sister and I. She constantly compared herself to us and being so skinny like a bean pole as a kid and not sticking up forherself made her an easy target. I can tell you I got into numerous fist fights as a kid sticking up for my older sister. She has gown so much and definately come into her own but I sometimes worry that her trusing niave ways still makes her an easy target. Now that she is in her late 20's she is starting to feel like her clock is ticking. See here lays the major difference between Ms. I and me she wants nothing more than to get married, have babies and be someone's trophy wife. Do not get me wrong I want a family but Ms. I will basically ask you if you want to impregnate her on the second date.

Me: Ms. Know it all partier. So I have to write about myself don't I. Well lets see i am outgoing, pretty, fun, tall (5'10'') and know how to have fun. I have gone the furthest in school (Science masters and working on my MBA, but definately love to have a good time. I am agressive, but caring and would do anyhting for my family and a good friend. But I also have this annoying habit where i think I know everything and will debate just to debate (always playing the devils advocate). I also was the big partier as a teenager (raves, clubs, house parties, etc) and still am. I am more calm but still party more than my siblings including my younger sister. So I know that I have flaws as well but luckily the people about me love me anyways.

Youngest sister: Only child: Now Only child is called that because although biologically she isn't an only child in reality she is. She is 6 years younger than I am she is the baby. Hence overall she is rotten spoiled brat. She has everything done by my mother and does not appear to appreciate any of it. Besides being rotten, she is gorgeous, smart and extrememly talented singer. She goes to college for Opera right now and can blow your mind with her voice. Sometimes when she sings I forget how she knows how to bend my parents to her will. She is also very strong and bitchy and I say that in a good way. I do not believe Only child will be swindled by anyone and if she could just get off my mom's tit she will be even stronger.

So that is my family and while I talk about bad stuff overall we are all very close and have been lucky to live in such a loving intact family where i basically have 5 best friends for the rest of my life.

Old friends, and the beach

Everyone has that one friend who is always alot of fun and a big partier, but with that always brings drama and craziness. Only child I have been friends with for ten years and even how we met was dramatic.
There I was talking to a girlfriend in the middle of latin class when I get yelled at by the teacher. Ok I was talking so I diserved it and just stopped talking when all of a sudden Only child spoke up and started yelling at the teacher because she had stopped me from telling the story and that the teacher should go fuck herself. Well needless to say Only child was sent to the principals office and we were best friends ever since. Now it has been a long path up and downs but we are still close and she is visiting this week to find a job since she is moving back from Florida in October.
So luckily I had Wednesday off since Only child was coming home on tuesday. Only child is an attractive woman who can drink like a man, so you always know you are going to be partying when she is around. She is so much fun but sometimes the liver can only take so much. Well shot after shot we went and had a blast...surprisingly enough I outdrank her. She has appeared to slow down a bit in her old age, hehehe.
The next morning I woke up and we went to the beach which was so relaxing but I got burned around my tits and ass and that is it. Are the sun gods playing a joke on me...not only is my bra killing me but itching your boobs and underwire every two second does not appear to help me move forward in my career, hehe!

New rule

I think there should be a new rule for cohabitating and or married couples. Both parties must get up at the same time. I do not care about when you go to bed but waking up and seeing you sound asleep rolling over into the middle of the bed while I fumble around, exhausted, and jealous I am not in there with you is to much to handle. How can I allow the corporate monster to dictate my ability to lay next to a hot guy and cuddle. FUCK the real job and insurance...FUCK IT! End of rant.

Mortgage papers bring us closer together.

After 50 million papers and my wrist almost falling off, S. and I finally completed the mortgage application. The lady who is are mortgage officer was very informative and nice but her name is Marnie.? Marnie, what kind of name is that? Is that a mixture between irish and shit talk? Oh well besides that the application is done and 350 dollars was given for the assesment. Its so funny how many fee's start coming up and even more funny is how S. is starting to sound more and more like his and my father. How all these fee's are just another way for the government to strong arm us, etc. Uhhhhh did my father come and morph into your body because if he did I need to puke since i have been having sex with my dad!

Different weekend

Hmm lets see this weekend was fun and different. First off let me tell you I went out on friday with my girlfriends but have you ever been brought out with a friend due to vengenge? Let me explain Hair stylist was fighting with her husband so we went out for a drink around 4pm. She wanted to vent which is great but apparently her husband was mad and decided to make plans to go out just to piss his wife off. So then my girlfriend wants to go out even more to prove a point or something. So basically S. and I are being pulled in opposite positions because our friends who are supposed to be upset decide to act like pubescent little children. But on the bright side i got to hang out with my two girlfriends in my old watering holes. I have not been to those bars in a while (used to go all the time when I lived near there) . The nice thing is by the time I got home my man was naked and passed out.
Well after a few more drinks and debating with a McDonald worker (how can you not have a fucking chesseburger, YOU ARE MCDONALDS!) at 1am in the morning I get into bed and S. wakes up. He is half drunk, tired and deliriously funny. He starts asking for tacos and wants me to drive him while licking my armpit and rubbing against me (yes we have a weird sense of humor, hehe) but eventually we passed out.
Saturday afternoon I had the most amazing sex session ever. Whenever S. gets too little sleep from partying and has to go to work he comes home energized or is it delerious? Well whatever it is he ususally pounces on me and we have some hot afternoon sex! Well saturday was no exceptions. I came fucking 4 times! He was all about me, me, me, and did I mention me! I will say this S. and I have had issues (just read all the beginnning of this blog) but our sex life has never been one of them! Damn I am getting a hot shiver just thinking about it.
Sunday was the Engagement party and it was alot of fun but I think I should have ate more and drank less wine....Oh and taking a couple of hits of pot while your family is there does not make you look like a mature soon to be wife. Oh well my family knows i think it is more other people that thought that. How is it I was mature the night before but when I have an audience I can't stop drinking the wine. Mmmm red red lovely wine. I swear if I was asked to give up sex or wine (and I love both) it would definately take me a few minutes to decide.

Condo and a computer

Holy shit it has been a great couple of busy and great days. First off my new whiz bangy computer came in, WHOOOO Hooo, but it is having issues connecting to public wi-fi so I will spend today’s lunch hour at Panera and on the phone trying to figure it out.
On the relationship front S. and I are buying a condo together! I know its fucking crazy huh? I was going to do it myself but then he gave me the whole “us” and “we” speech and I broke down. I need to start letting myself become more vulnerable and open up. Guess you can’t gain anything unless you try huh? I will hopefully post pics when we are in and settled. I have to fax some shit to the mortgage company so I have to jet but once this craziness is settled I will report on the dynamic of a large Irish catholic family with 4 daughters….hmmmmm scary for m
y father isn’t it.

The Company Picnic and yeager

Well this friday was the company picnic! Which actually was nice since it was 11-4pm I did not have to wake up early. Basically it is mandatory and everyone had to either go or take a vacation day. Hmmm give up a beach day when I can sleep in anyways! FUCK Nah....so I sucked it up and went to the picnic. It started out fabulous having to wait in traffic to get to the camp ground. I kept thinking, wait is this the right way to the picnic or is there a beatles reunion concert where John Lennon came back from the dead. It took an hour to go about 5 miles. BUT low and behold at the end of it was the company manager to give me a bag and towel with our companies name on it. Ohhh thank you good sir this company towel will make me forget that i am underpaid and that the whole company is crazy. It was different to see people in regular clothing and by the looks of some of my cowoworkers they liked my short denim skirt and tank top as well. I basically hung out with Safety guy and R&D guy for the day. I then went and started to drink with two coworkers and this proceeded until the end of the night. Next year I will remember to take a flask so when I can drink. Drinking would make me forget quicker that I hate my job before a towel will.

What is it with men and doctors

Listen I understand that men are considered the physically stronger (definately not mentally, hehe) but sometimes I am amazed at how men react to being sick. Take S. he will not take anything even advil if his head felt like a screwdriver was implanted in it, but to be honest he complains alot more than when I get sick. I think I was usued to just dealing with being sick on my own. I come from a family of 4 daughters (will fill you in on family later I promise) so attention was few and far between. Don't get me wrong, I have fallen ill and S. has been wonderful but what I cannot understand is how men will do nothing to help themselves heal or the complete oposite. A great post from "The company Bitch" (love that blog, if we lived closer I am positive we would drink alot together) showed how men universally react to sickness. So when people ask me why I think men live shorter than women on average. I reply "Because they are big babies who won't go to the fucking doctor!"

New Computer should be shipping out tomorrow, WHOOO fucking hoo! I get a new whiz bangy gorgeous laptop. Now I just have to wait for it to be delivered! I realize as time goes by I have very little to no patience! Well I guess I should revise, I can wait for certain things. Wine, sex, HBO series, things of that nature. Can not wait for computers, in lines, sales, sex, food, and people who are late. Back to pretending to work and send out more resumes (time to move up and on!)

Lobsters and Fat!

It never ceases to amaze me how my weekends can be equivalent to a rollercoaster ride. Alcohol is sometimes so great but other times it is just the perfect elixir for disaster. Friday we somehow started to drink and by the end of the night I was crying to S. He actually dealt with it very well and took care of me. Saturday I cleaned, worked out and watched a movie before everyone came over to drink. I stayed relatively (you cannot expect me to say no to wine) sober and passed out until we woke up to go to a big state beach in R.I.
It was gorgeous out and very crowded. Not to sound awful but I can totally see how America is becoming an obese nation. It is one thing to be an adult and large but when I saw children between the ages of 3-10 and they were obese! I wanted to fucking smack the parents but when I would see the parents they were knowing on some friend chicken or giving some candy to their beastly children. I understand that weight is hard to keep in check but dooming your poor children before they even hit puberty. Let’s not forget how awful childhood is for most kids without adding 50-100 extra lbs. I think that is why deep down inside I have always fallen in love with thin tall guys. I want to make my children’s chance of having one less thing to worry about higher than if I get with someone with a crappy metabolism. (I know this all sounds horribly shitty but come on lets face it, everyone has body issues so adding to it makes it worse). I am not perfect but I work out 4-6 times a week and try to eat mostly healthy (not yesterday but sometimes you need to indulge).
After the beach we went to this restaurant that was a high end all you can eat buffet. For 70 dollars you can have as much lobster, prime rib, crap legs, sides, desserts as you can handle. Well S. definitely made this place loose money considering he downed 4 lobsters, 2 steaks and everything else under the sun. So overall the weekend was good and bad but I guess that is what makes life so interesting!

Can it get any better!?

Can we say shitty day (SHITTY DAY)! As I am driving home I hear this crazy noise coming from the left side front tire and realized this shitbox car needs to go to the shop. GREAT no car! How the fuck am I going to get home. I had to call my father! HA am I fifteen again. Thank god my dad is so laid back and chill (guess you have to be with 4 daughters and a wife) and came to pick me up and brought me home.
I get home and had to clean up cat shit (bad cleo, why are you making me look back in front of S.) and did some laundry. I look down and there is a letter from my gyno and as I open it up it turns out I have abnormal cells in my cervix and have to get it scrapped to make sure i do not have any cancer. WHOOOO fucking whoo. Can someone shoot me in the other foot. I did have a great sex session (bent over in front of a mirror with my wild hair and his hot body, mmmmm I need to stop touching myself at work) and a good night sleep but come on! Why does everything happen at once. WHAT THE FUCK! Oh well what is a girl to do (hmmm bottle of wine and S. dick sounds good right about now).

Holy shit I have to get out of the house I am living in...I am becoming so jaded and more and more depressed and I am starting to outwardly express it. I think the man thing is getting to me a bit too much! I don't know why I let the random comments, etc get to me but they do. I basicalyl got into a debate with S last night over stereotypes pertaining to men and women. Please do not be shocked but he was the one who was saying it is unfair to put labels on men and women. WHAT!? Roles have reversed in this fight and then we kind of made up and had sex, but I couldn't get off. This is not usually but I didn't fake it and S. got weirded out and then I felt bad. He said I seemed not into it, which I replied I was but i don't want to fake an orgasm. He said well maybe he just wasn't into it, which of course made me feel bad. Fuck I need to move out before this starts to affect my sex life. I refuse to let that happen. I have to get a good fuck today if it kills me!

A Little better

Well the insecurities have calmed a bit, not fully but a bit. I feel like I can't really blame him for the history being there because I don't know when it was looked at and I was on other websites when we were broken up and if he looked on my history it would be there. I am going to give the benefit of the doubt which in the past before all this craziness I would have done. Guess it takes time to get over and don't forget that if he is doing something I will find out eventually since S has always been a horrible liar.
ON to other news my other married coupel friends are throwing us an engagement party at the end of this month so that should be interesting and even better I AM GETTING A NEW COMPUTER. Whoo hoo my computer at work is great but alot of things are blocked that I want to access and my old laptop is about 4 years old and not connecting to the internet! SO I am using the corporate discount and this reimbersment plan so I don't have to pay anything up front. Have to love the corporate world (do just enough little thigns for your drones so they will keep working and not kill themselves). I am going to be a dork and go check on its status right now.....

I hate being crazy in love...

Why am I so fucking insecure? I can feel it creeping up slowely and seeping through my veins making me jittery and nervous. I couldn't help myself and checked out the email on S. phone and there were websites on there that were problems with us in the past. Now I don't know how long ago it was since there are no time stamps and I don't want to jump down his throught since I was on websites when we were broken up as well and I am getting them unsubscribed all the time. I feel so fucking crazy sometimes and don't know how to handle it. I find myself reviterting to a pathetic female that I hate and despise. Don't say anything because it may be wrong and you could push him away, things are so good, pick your battles. What the fuck I don't know what to do? I love him but his past mistakes make it so hard for me and plus lets not forget that women never fucking forget. We may forgive but we never ever FORGET. I wish I could. Sometimes I wish I could be like Kate Winslet from that "Spotless eternal mind suinshine" movie. Just erase bad memories or S all together. I feel like he loves me and he is being faithful but my insecurities are driving me insane. I am going to have to stay away from booze and let this thought sink for a bit until I either realize I am crazy or I need to bring it up. This man somehow (not even knowing) makes me so crazy. Somedays in a good way and others in a shitty way. We had such an amazing love session and as I lay down I almost wanted to cry (I didn't) because I love him so much that it hurts to think he doesn't love me the same. Is too much love and passion good for a person. We have been together for about 4 and a half years and I still am crazy about him. I worry that he will fuck me over, I worry that I will push him away, I am afraid that I am wasting my time on him, but at the same time I am worried that I could walk away from this man whom I love more than myself. God why is this man so important to me, has the shit he pulled inadvertantly made me a pathetic girl or am I just in love and realizing that a real lasting relationship is hard and comes with trials. When is too much too much? I don't even know if i should give him the benefit of the doubt or just assume he fucked up? What is easier? Fuck I need to do some work and stop harping like I always fucking do....

Free drinks leads to a broken toe..

Blurry Flashes of Saturday night include:

1. Free drinks from a bartender who has a crush on me (this is not good since I have absolutely no fucking control.)
2. Dancing alot in stilletto's
3. Falling down a flight of stairs at the bar.
4. Not being allowed into the second bar because I was so drunk
5. Puking on the side of my friends house
6. Walking home barefoot

Results the next day to my crazy drunken night

1. ciggerette burn on leg
2. huge scrap on knee cap
3. broken toe
4. horrible hang over

Apparently for me massive amounts of drinks equals a good time but not without the drunken scars to prove it.

The answer to no sleep

I was completely exhausted yesterday after little sleep on tuesday (thunderstorms still get to me) and then I went to a kick ass cardio and abs class. So as I walk in the door I was not my normal peppy self but more quiet and sullen due to the jello I called my muscles and brain. S. was a little concerned and went into sweet mode and decieded I need to go out for dinner and a few margarita's. It was very nice and then back home we went where the games were on. I lasted about a half an hour and I got up and went to bed. Now S. knows if you want some you have a 20 minute window from after that moment if we are going to bed at different times. No matter how tired or sick I will never withold sex from him (God for bid he did it to me) but he did not make it in so I passed out. ALLLLLLLLLLLL night I tossed and turned, woke up every two hours. IT FUCKING SUCKED and I am sure it sucked for S as well since i kept him up with my body flailings. As I wake up in a daze I apoligized to S for my shenanigans.

Me: I am so sorry if you didn't sleep well last night
S. You were definately moving around but its ok
Me: I don't know what the hell my problem is, I even went to bed early. What the fuck?
S. I know why you didn't sleep well!
Me: Oh really why is that?
S. Because we didn't have sex...(with a grin)
Me: Hmmmmm that definately could be it, guess that can't happen again can it because I need to sleep.
S. I love your thinking. Anything where I can help you sleep better i am on board.

NOTE: This theory of S. could be true since an journal article has linked lack of sperm to depression (which includes symptoms of sleeplessness).

Back to normal...

So with summer as most people are my schedule is fucked up! So many parties, BBQ's, weddings, drinking, beach, etc. You get the idea hence I have no set schedule...but I am taking it back goddammit! I am going to make my life bornig and border loser if it takes everything I have. I want to go back to laundry, cleaning, and the gym! I want to get up go to work, go to the gym, clean, eat dinner, watch TV and thenhave great sex a ciggerette and pass out next to S. Hmmm what the fuck is wrong with me! Before I wanted a life, now i have it and I want no life, hehe! Uhhhhh can we say I am totally a gemini!

Beach Bodies!

Ahhh the beach is definitely a better place to be on a Thursday than the confines of a cubicle. As I lay on the beach drinking a Smirnoff Mojito (very sweet but that’s ok since it was 10:30am in the morning) and looked out over the surf at all different people of all sizes and cultures. My eyes caught the back of a female with what I think is the perfect body. She had a lime green triangle bikini on and as she turned slightly to the side her tan and perfect breasts made me stare in awe and jealousy. I am not gay but sometimes I look at some women’s bodies and think “damn” why can’t I have been blessed with genes like that or more time so I can go to the gym everyday for three hours. The other ladies I was with agreed with me about the perfection of this body (S. interjected that we were all fucking retarded because she had no ass or curves) until she turned her head and we all realized she was like 13-15 years old. Uhhhhhh apparently I was a body of a pre-pubescent….scary.

Always a victim

OK mid day rant..not pretty but needed for my sanity. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is people who blame everything wrong in their life on someone else.
I have a roommate (hmm first time living with a man and somehow I am living with three) who yes had a whore for a mother and a non existent mother but how come every time he loses a job, or crashes his girlfriends car (why she allows the loser to drive it after this has happened time and time again is beyond me), or generally fucks up it is always someone else fault.
My coworker (pubic chest hair man) who came in an hour and a half late started to bitch about getting yelled at. HELLO dumb ass you didn’t call and nobody really cares that it was because your son was late getting the bus. Especially not my boss who is a lesbian and has no children except her dogs (if it was because of your dog she would be more forgiving, hehe isn’t that crazy).
I guess the weird thing is my parents never believed in things like peer pressure and what not. I was responsible for my actions and that was it. My parents never fell for the “Oh it’s not mine it’s my friends weed” line. FUCK they would always assume it was mine. So I became accustomed to realizing pretty much most things I have some sort of control over (not all) and that my actions are my actions. HENCE if you get in trouble, admit it, apologize and move the fuck on. END RANT.

FUNNIEST PICTURE OF ALL TIME!

Ok this picture is so fucking funny, I can't help but piss myself. I guess this shows the kind of sick perverted humor I have (also why I am great in bed, hehe). Don't you ever just want to do this....Kick someone in the balls! Ahhh to kick someone when they deserve it with no fear of getting arrested, that would be heaven on days when I have 6 meetings.

I thought I was a slacker...

I will be honest I do not work very hard at work! There I said it, out loud for everyone to hear. BUT...this is not my fault. (well somewhat but hear me out) I work at a corporate company and the job I have makes me work with different departments one different projects. So in a nut shell anytime I work on something I get to a certain point then it is stalled because someone else on the "team" needs to do something. This of course takes forever because everyone has different "priorities" (I love how corporate jargon tries to make people sound intelligent) and sometimes I work with idiots who take forever.
When I first started working I was a young buck (well almost two years younger) and I thought oh I will work hard, be dilligent, make my way up! Hmmm, learned real quick that at this job moving too fast pisses people off. So my resolution is to be faster than most but not too fast to tick anyone else off. Seems to be working just fine and hey working with this mentality I only work about and hour a day! Isn't corporate life grand :-)

FUCKING MEN!

Can I please rant like a lunatic bitch for a minute or two! I know nobody likes a whining person but S has this ability to fucking piss me off like there is no tomorrow. Conversation goes as follows

Me: Hey Hun I might be able to get tomorrow off and meet you at the beach, if that is ok with you?
S.: Yeah no problem that sounds good, how are you getting out?
S: Switching up vacation or just calling out?
Me: Switching up days it looks like it is going to be rainy on Monday so if it isn’t a problem could you just give me the address so I can map quest it?
S: Don’t have that as soon as I get the address I will get it to you?
Me: Cool hopefully I will get the ok from my boss for tomorrow or I am going to take Thursday off?
S: Thursday, why are you going to take Thursday off?
Me: Well if I can get tomorrow off it will be cool if not Thursday is going to be sunny too?
S: Whatever go hang out with MAC girl….
He hangs up on me!

What the fuck, you are hanging up on me because of why? I don’t know what day I can get off? I have never been hung up on like that for any reason! I wasn’t yelling, pissed off or anything. All of a sudden he is mad because I made plans tonight after he told me he was going out! What the fuck? He is going out with Frank to his Boss’s house in a little ritzy beach town. His mid life crisis well off boss will pay for everything and show them a good time. Now let’s be honest, they will probably get really drunk and either hit on girls (the boss is single) or go to the strip club. I don’t care but of course Stylist does so I am sure this is not being mentioned. Or I could be paranoid due to the previous post, but basically I don’t want to sit home while he goes out and hang with the guys while I sit home like a good little fucking housewife. I am tired of the guys getting to go out to strip clubs, etc while my only fun is supposed to be shopping or my nails. FUCK that I am not going tomorrow and going to the beach with my friend Jew friend. I tried to find a male review to find some hot eye candy for myself but they all seem to be further away then I would like them to be. She may be a cheap but she is fun, loves to flirt with guys, and get free drinks. Plus she wouldn’t rat me out for the same. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I don’t know how I let this man irritate me so much. I know I have to pick my battles and it is not that big of a deal but what the fuck! Want to punch him in the fucking balls right now!

Love and Hate

I have no idea how one person can irritate and piss you off soo much one minute than the happiest person the next. This weekend we four (I will refer in the future as the foursome which includes S., I and our two best friends who happen to be married) went to Boston to celebrate Franks birthday. We made reservations for a really good restaurant called “radius” which was delicious but took forever.
Here is the clincher. S. is a chef and that is wonderful but he does not realize that he completely comes off as a condescending dick when it comes to food and wine. I apparently have no “palate”. Know what “go fuck yourself”! This coming from a guy who will eat old milk or food with a little bit of mold on it. Do not get me wrong, I know he has years and years of experience with food and wine but I am not a complete fucking retard either.
So over dinner I was getting more and more pissed off but just kept it to myself. So at one point I went to go for a smoke (dinner was over three and a half hours) and S. followed me. On a side note my sister (her and her husband joined us as well) made some snide comment that we must be having sex in the bathroom (yeah right) because once years ago we had sex in their bathroom (so sue me I enjoy sex with my partner maybe she should try it).
He comes out and then begins showering me with compliments and soon enough I am not pissed but elated. So how does this work, am I that easy to calm, or am I picking my battles.
Sometimes I watch Frank and Hairstylist and I am amazed at how she treats him. She pretty much berates him, and is a snot and he just takes it. Is that how married life will be? I pray to god that I never become like that…although maybe S is just being like Hairstylist and I am like Frank taking it up the ass?

Friday

Some good things for this Friday:
I can breathe through at least one nostril.
I woke up from a dream where I wanted to kill S. but when I awoke he had his hand in mine (corny but nice).
It’s Friday so I don’t have to work tomorrow
Pathetic co-worker with the pubic chest hair had a half day so I do not have to avert my eyes anymore.
Going to Boston tomorrow with S, Frank, and Hairstylist.
Some bad things about this Friday:
I still can’t breathe out of the other nostril and somehow it moves from one side to the other. Does my snot have a brain is it moving around inside my head.
In the dream S was puking and drunk out of his mind and I could not get him to move…reminds me of old times.
My pants are getting tight…with being sick, BBQ’s, Birthdays, etc I have not been going to the gym basically at all.
I want to fall asleep sooo bad right now.

Last two days..

Let's see I felt like shit on monday, and tuesday...started to feel better on wednesday (which I had a vacation day) but of course I partied a bit and have gone straight back to feeling like shit. Since I was out of tuesday and wednesday I have no choice but to come to work and get this stupid project done. I guess it is nice that tomorrow is friday and I had a great talk with S. last night about us, marriage, divorce, etc. Sometimes partying can lead to more than fights and problems. Well this weekend should be lots of fun, off to Boston to celebrate our mutual friends birthday. Going to be an expensive weekend which is no surprise with these two. Don't get me wrong I know it will be fun but I need to save. GOD DAMMIT! Fuck saving is alot harder than I thought. How is it I am making more than I ever did in college yet I have nothing monetary to show for it?

Feel like shit!

Ok so I feel like shit...my nose is raw as fuck from sneezing and wiping my nose. My eyes keep watering due to the sneezing so it appears to be a visious cycle. What i love the most is that I always have really big hot projects when I am either sick or about to go on vacation. Apparently i have both, since I took this wednesday off and i feel like shit. I do not have allergies, hmm maybe it was from all the partying I did this weekend. Dammit, I miss being able to go on three day party benders and not feel it. FUCK getting older!

Guilt

I know i shouldn't but I feel guilty! Guilty that I got S back and I want MAC girl to have the same. Not per se with her asshole ex (whom she is still talking to) but with a nice guy. I sometimes wish she was a little more willing to get herself out there. I forced myself to date before S and I got back together. She is more reserved (fun as hell with me) but not with men. So she came over last night (with a bottle of great organic wine) and we just hung out and watched TV. It was good to see her and she got semi excited about a tattoo boy but I wish she would put herself out there a bit more. So we are going out tonight which should be fun (I really shouldn't spend the money) since we always have a blast. I need to watch my intake because i am doing lunch with Mamma dukes, but who am I kidding I am going to get shitfaced. I guess I just feel bad because she is still hurting and I never want to see my friends that way. Say a prayer she meets the man of her dreams tonight.

Shower is a vessel for enlightenment.

So apparently I am able to reach heights of new enlightenment while I am in the disgusting shower (I have tried and tried to scrub this tub but years of men living there have made it impossible) washing my body. Earlier in the night S and I were just relaxing in the heat watching Top Chef (I love that show) and somehow we started discussing MYSPACE. I had mentioned how I do not understand why men and women try to email people who are in relationships (with sexual intention) and he chuckled in a surprised, I can’t believe you laugh. I cocked my head and replied “What, what was that laugh for?” After a little prodding he replied “You have no idea how easy it is for women? You have all the choices in the world, approached all the time, etc.” First off I wanted to reply “YEAH you better remember that!” which would have been inappropriate and not called for but instead I replied “Hmm never thought about it?” This comment got my brain flowing with thoughts and ideas (doesn’t happen much but watch out when it does) and I went to take a shower. As I was washing myself with antibacterial soup and generic salon grade shampoo and conditioner I started thinking. Men have a much difficult time getting attention, ass, or even a relationship with women (unless you are a superstar or something) while women get approached and seem to have a plethora of options (if you are anywhere close to attractive and are a bit outgoing). YET….women only want one man to be her mate and love while men want tons of women (at least in their fantasies) to fuck. So I guess it goes that you always want what you can’t have. Men will never change the need for diversity (don’t take this the wrong way not every man is a cheater but every man thinks about other women) and women will always dream of that one soul mate bullshit. Why do humans always think the grass is greener on the other side? Can’t we just be happy with what is in front of us?
On another note I applied for a different job that would fit my personality a little more and is about 15 thousand dollars more a year (but that isn’t the real reason I want it….YEAH RIGHT!) Hopefully the slow HR will call me sometime before I turn 50.

New company name = nothing for me

Sometimes I laugh at how a professional work place can make me feel like I am in middle school or high school again. First we have jean fridays, hehe! Can you believe that! We have the ability to wear jeans on fridays...THANK you oh wonderful corporate company gods for reminding me that the rest of the week sucks having to wear uptight and boring clothes (well not always boring but not the same as a cute short skirt and flip flops). Yesterday we had to go to this showing of the new company name and shit. Falshback to highschool when my boss comes in and says "It's mandatory to go to this event...UNDERSTAND!" ahhhh ok will i be sent to the principles office if I don't. So we get hearded like cattle on these buses to the event and wait for fucking ever (not that I do much productive work during the day anyways, but...) and then watch how they have this new plan and name. Corporate identity, globalization, bigger market, blah blah blah. The only highlight of this stupid shit was the question and answer portion began. A woman (whom I will give a hearty handshake to if i come in contact with her) stood up and asked " So after all is said and done and all these GREAT changes are made...what do we get out of it?" TOUCHE and right on sista!
On a different note things with S and I are going great...inlcuding this amazing peach crisp he made for me last night and an amazing sex session.

Anal sex is sometimes needed!

Sometimes Anal sex isn't so bad....like that night. I sometimes want to be that dirty slut pron star and to be honest if you can let yourself go (which is why most women don't like it, tense =pain) you can get off. I got off sooooo good last night! What can I say sometimes its just better in the pooper!

Hmmm sometimes anal sex if not that bad, wink wink....

I had a great weekend and a lot of fun…although I somehow became known as the “shed girl” this weekend. Friday at work sucked considering I did no work and it dragged out to the point where suicide seemed fun. Didn’t do much that night but Saturday I went to the gym (need to get my fat ass back in gear having a man who likes big asses is good but bad at the same time) and then to my friend Hairstylist parents house for their annual July 4th party. Every year it is bigger and better (open bar, twenty foot tiki bar, DJ, decorations, tons of food and decorations) but honestly I still feel like I am 15 around her parents and have to watch my alcohol intake. I was designated driver as well so I only had two margarita’s (pretty sure they were watered down too) and S. showed up after work. Well he got a little tipsy and went to pee behind the shed. Well I went to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid and when we walked out together all of a sudden Ed (hairstylist dad) was joking about what we were doing behind the shed? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink! What!! yeah right not there and not with family around (I can be a fun fuck but not a family and friends around fuck)…but everyone got a good laugh. So somehow I went from respectable engineer to trashy shed whore…..guess it could have been worse. Could have been trashy garbage pail girl?!

Too much testosterone...

Goddammit I can't take it any fucking more. I work with men, live with three guys and can't deal with all the testosterone. I swear it is getting me fucking depressed. Overall jist from all men is tits and ass, never will have ability to be faithful and after 35 you are fucked. I get that men think about sex all the time, but is every female in the world doomed and why is it all these men want it to be okay for themselves to fuck around but the girl isn't allowed to or she is a whore? How is this thinking possible or even logical. Don't get me wrong I love my guy friends and in certain aspects it is great to get insite into the male mind (it has saved me from alot of assholes) but for fuck's sake how much can I listen too...I feel like if I was with all women all the time I would feel the same. I think I need to go off and do my own shit for a while. I wonder how it would be if I hung out with hermaphodites? Would I get tired of both the pussy and the dick?

A calm 4th of July`

Well that was a weird fourth of July since it was in the middle of the week. I kept it calm and went over to S. friends who are so italian it is scary. Now don't get me wrong i have nothing against italians but if I have to say "no thank you" to another helping of food (I had two already) I am going to take one of those sausage links and shove it up their asses. Hmm only good thing is that tacky divorce coworker is off the next two days! Whoo hoo. Oh and on another note...I had the sexiest dream about safety guy. WIERD!

Secret Sleeping spot

I have a secret sleeping spot at work...I pretend to take paperwork with my and trek up to the second floor to a corner tiny cave like meeting room that actually has a lock on it. So I take a chair push it into the corner where you cannot see into through the door and relax with my cell phone in hand to set an alarm....I will most likely get caught at some point and fired but until then I am up to take a nap! I will be back from this and post more.
Sincerely,
Lethargic lazy corporate slave

YUM the weekend

Whoo hoo I have a half day today and thus far I have had a conversation with a coworker going through a divorce (I feel for him, he is such a nice guy) and a female coworker curious about what the strip club is like? Hence I have gotten nothing done. I will however be completing the moving process today. After a night of sweaty disgusting moving and packing I have to begin the cleaning process. FUN, FUN, FUN....and I need to get my ass back to the gym.
So many fucking parties, BBQ's, appointments, happy hours...I have totally gained like 5-10 lbs back and I can feel in the pants. FUCK THIS shit I am going to starve myself (maybe I shouldn't smoke any weed the next couple of weeks, I become a garbage compactor when I do) and go to the gym everyday! Too bad good sex doesn't cause you to lose like 6000 calories per session. I would look like paris hilton!
I will update you on how it is living with my fiance, best guy friend, the homey piece of shit roommate and my cat cleo all in one house!

Ambition and drive have disappeared!

DRIVE…aren’t you supposed to have that at any job you work at? I swear I was more passionate about bartending and waitressing than my current corporate position! I was at lunch with a co-worker of mine who was actually created for this field and he was even bored with what we do.
I seriously become narcoleptic in meetings longer than 15 minutes (drool on your face is not very professional) and cannot stand the content of what I am doing. Plus another coworker (one that I actually like) is leaving as well. Soon enough I will be a lone ranger walking the halls with assholes that I can’t stand and a job that makes me want to rip out my fucking eyes, and use a hot poker to stimulate my brain.
Worse part about it is that I have no fucking clue as to what I really want to do in life, just kind of went along with the science field because it made me look smart and biotech labs have great benefits (hmm would have sold the corporate monster my soul too but the devil took that years ago). So I basically surf the net (I have put a erase board on my cubicle wall to cover the lower half of my computer screen from people entering the office) while pretending to be busy. Guess I should get on monster.com and start figuring shit out.

Hmm post thought...

I bet you S. is the loser friend some girlfriend hates out there too, hmmm bizarre to think about it that way.

Men and loser friends?

OK..I have to keep it together. Tonight is really the first night that S is going out without me since we have lived together. This does not sound like a huge deal but he is going out with Loser Slut Scrapper boy who used to be a good friend (if you call someone like that a good friend) which makes me feel unsettled. Why is it every man has that one friend who is a piece of shit? This guy has been in and out of detention centers, and arrested numerous times, slept with hundreds of women, had STD’s, and has consumed more drugs than I can even mention. Now do not get me wrong we all have our vices but these guys are getting close to 30 and he is still acting like a shit head. He has no real career or education. So sue me that I feel weird about my man going out with a guy who participated in a gang bang. I know it isn’t right and I should trust S. but sometimes the damage he has done is making it very hard. I know all night I am going to be thinking he is either getting arrested or with Loser slut scrapper watching (god forbid participating) him fuck some girl on a pool table in front of everyone! (Yet another true story for Loser Slut boy). FUCK why I can’t just not think about it. I think it is going to be a sleeping pill night. Yes, that’s it a sleeping pill night. Let’s see if I am still with this man in the morning or I am hawking a ring, finding a new place and going on vacation. I will keep you posted on whether S. steps up to the plate or succumbs to pressure of his fucked up peer

Fashion Tip for the workplace

I have a new coworker whom I can already tell is not going to be someone I am great friends let alone even respect, hehe. I will describe him more later but for now I would like to offer him and others a fashion tip.

Wearing a button down shirt with the top five button unbuttoned and a gold necklace showing (and disgusting public hair growing from your chest) is not seen as trendy, cool, or even attractive. IT is just showing everyone how pathetic you are and that mid life crisis's are even less attractive than quarter life crisis's.

Bad after school special

What the fuck is wrong with me? I consider myself a somewhat intelligent girl (maybe I went to grad school to over compensate?) and yesterday I had full intention of going to a happy hour for a coworker who is leaving, having one beer and then going home. So can someone please answer me how I didn’t get home until 1am and somehow ended up at the strip club with 4 guys?
Ok enough bitching about not dealing well with peer pressure (apparently I am a bad after school special) and not onto bitching about my man. OK I love S. more than life itself but the question is will my insecurities (which are totally warranted after everything we went through) going to make this relationship harder than it should be? I felt somewhat bad for something home late but I did invite him out with my coworkers last night and he declined. I don’t know why I should feel bad, S has come home late drunk and woken me up..yet something in me gets me all worried that he is really angry at me for coming home so late. I am such a fucking typical girl…worrying about shit he probably doesn’t think more than a second about. Then I start thinking he is doing stuff he shouldn’t and I get all fucking paranoid. I can’t believe I am so insecure.
Sometimes I think it isn’t such a good idea me and him? Other days I know it is hard but I know he is the one and only man I could see myself getting old with. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! I think it is bullshit when people say they knew for certain that this was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with? (Hmmm maybe I am the one with the commitment issues, hehe)

Where does the money go?

OK I am making a new goal for myself…TO actually start saving! I am going to have to after looking over how much this wedding is going to cost. I do not have any idea how I am unable to save? I have no idea how I am unable to put any amount of money away in fact I always seem to be paycheck to paycheck. I do not have a huge shopping addiction or love for coach bags or shoes. In fact my fiancé many times says I am quite cheap in the clothing department. I prefer buying clothes from Marshall’s and Target than Nordstrom’s or Abercrombie. I cannot fathom purchasing a pair of jeans for 300 dollars just because it has a huge seven plastered across the ass.
Actually I know what my problem is, going out and cigarettes oh and I have also been trying to put money away for my retirement. Plus I just don’t budget well, I have every intention of putting it away and what not but then bam I somehow think going to Wal-Mart and buying 60 dollars worth of crap for the house is ok.
The most annoying part about this is that S. has already banked away something like 2500 dollars in two or three months! What the fuck, how is this possible. Technically on paper I make more than him but in reality I think not. He works as a chef and does a lot of catering so he gets tips on top of the paycheck, plus add in fewer bills. I find that this annoys me. Why, I do not know? I still for some reason feel weird asking for money for the wedding, the rent, etc. I have always stood my own ground (sometimes in the red) but at the same time I have no problem having him pay for us every time we go out. Do not get me wrong I definitely do pay for us when we go out sometimes (I say about 55-45%) but somehow he is able to save. Well I have made steps to go forward in this direction. They are as follow:

1. Took lower interest loan from credit union to pay off credit card bills and set up automatic payment so it should be paid off in less than 6-7 months.
2. Took credit card bills out of purse and away so I will not use them for stupid purchases like extra shampoo, makeup, or another round of drinks for people I don’t even know.
3. Applied for a community college teaching position at night to make extra money (keep your fingers crossed that I get it).
4. Set up a budget to allocate out spending money so that I do not go over it (hmmm maybe the debit card should stay at home as well and I will only carry cash allotted).

So far that is what I have done….hmmm hopefully this will pan out so I can look like a respectable female professional who can contribute to a grown up relationship (yeah right).

Monday somehow equals drunk??

Ewwwww I am a fucking mess and so tired! How is it all weekend I keep it pretty low key but somehow on a Monday night I get shit faced and hung over for work on Tuesday? Do you know what torture it is to concentrate on the morning commute when all you want to do is vomit all over yourself? In my defense my girlfriend came home from Chicago to visit. I officially want to die! I feel for my work because the normal 2-3 hours of work they will get out of me a day has gone to zero. I feel like a piece of shit that was dragged in a ditch and dried in the sun…..

Mondays start the work week right?

So I know I haven’t given you too much background on what I do for a living since I was so wrapped up in the S bullshit but basically I sold my soul to the devil for paid vacations, insurance and a steady paycheck. I think when I finished graduate school I was going to have a plethora of jobs waiting for me…..well sure as shit I did not. I must have put out a million resumes and although I did have about 6-7 interviews I never got it. I would make it to the top 5 or top two but never the actual job. I finally got talking to a friend and his sisters worked at the company I am at now. I got an interview and got the job. Which should be great right? BUT the job I got is not at all what I went to school for, granted its in the same field, kind of…but not at all what I want to do.
At this point I had to take it because the week before I almost stabbed a customer while I was bartending (NOTE: Bartenders do not enjoy drunken people because we are not drunk). I almost had a breakdown because all I kept thinking was “WHAT the fuck I did not go through 6 years of school for this bullshit!” Luckily S was really great and gave me the pep talks that calmed me but basically I took a job I was not really trained for.
It is so funny to work in a corporate company since I finally realize that most people are not working very hard. Granted there are the ‘go getters” but when you compare how much other work or lack of work they are doing the go getters are not doing much. I am one of those non-workers. I got sucked into the relaxed state of the corporate world (I know I know you think that doesn’t exist) but think of Office space. It appears that since there are so many people that are doing the bare minimum it is enough to keep the company afloat.
Mondays for example I come in for the morning business meeting and then get my coffee. Chit chat with other workers about there weekend, then I am off to email people (you would think coworkers, ohhhh but that is not the case) and waste more time. Then around 10 I got for my cigarette break and then maybe I will do something. I can honestly say I maybe do about 2 hours of work a day (unless it is a crazy pressing project). So although I am not excited about my job or even the work I do how can I walk away from such a tit job right now. I think I need to get some motivation that I used to have…..or is the corporate doomed to suck that out of me too?

2 wrongs don't make a right....

Ok what is the deal with my body lately…I went to bed pretty early and yet I feel like a lethargic narcoleptic freak that can’t focus or keep my eyes open at work. I think deep down I know what the problem is, ever since my birthday (aka 5 day bender) and getting back with S. (sex isn’t a replacement for working out??) I have not gone to the gym nearly as much. It has dropped from 7 days a week (bitterness and a breakup are the best solution to lose weight) to about 2-5 days which is not apparently helping my energy.
So on another note S. is out of the doghouse for his BRO’s before Hoes crap because deep down inside I cannot be a hypocrite. I have kept secrets about our friends from him and of course I have kept secrets from him as well (I am apparently a lot better at lying than he is). How is it in relationships we can somehow rationalize that what we do is ok and not for your partner? Most times when I get into a fight with S. he has done something stupid and I let it be known with dramatics and such (I am such a girl in that fashion but I usually only get upset about big issues) but when I get my shit together or it is over with I can nine times out of ten think of times that I did the exact same thing. He of course does not know about most of these things but I have. How horrible is that, I love him thinking I have done very little wrong and he is more wrong in his mistakes because he thinks I haven’t, hehe. I sound like a bitch but let’s face it relationships are hard enough to drag two mistakes into it rather than just focusing on his……

Best friends sometimes ain't so grand

OK so I am back after a long hiatus but I realize that I need this outlet not only for my relationship needs which was basically the whole start of this but also my other interactions in life, with work, friends, and family. Grrrrrr sometimes I can’t handle people at all. Don’t get me wrong I know I am a fucking bitch sometimes but I try to understand where people come from and to this day men make no sense to me. They claim to be so uncomplicated….BULL FUCKING SHIT. I have a new theory the more men claim or state they are simple the less they truly are.
So first off let me bring you up to speed, after a mental debate and opinions from everyone S and I are back together (Yes I am a sadomasochist) and engaged. We are moving in together (which is a whole other story I will delve into later) and the date is set in a year. Everyone is happy and I am excited but then stupid bullshit like last night tailspin me into a frenzy. S. went “golfing” with his best friend Frank who is also married to my best friend Hair stylist. Now most times this is great, we hang out, party, and generally have a great time because the guys love each other and we love each other. Sometimes though this makes for a world of trouble. Long story short they did not go golfing they went to the strip club. Now I do not care about the strip club like a lot of women do in fact I have gone with my man and guy friends before, but Hair stylist apparently does care and that makes for issues. So long story short S. lied to me that he was golfing to help cover for Frank. HELLOOOO are you fucking stupid, you are going to get in trouble for your friend when I didn’t care what you were doing in the first place. I just don’t get it and I never will….

HOLY SHIT!

What the fuck…S. showed up with a ring and asked me to marry him! What the fuck is this shit? I have absolutely no idea what the hell he is thinking. I don’t even know what to do; my mind is going a million miles a minute! I told him I have to think about it….I am going insane at work in this cubicle. I have to run like 8 miles, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Surprised and pissed....

OK so I get to work this morning and check my personal email and there is a message from S. WHAT the hell, this guy knows how to throw me off guard all the time. I never expect any contact and then BAM out of nowhere I get an email. It read as the follows

“Today sucked! I couldn't for the life of me get you off my mind for a second I'm totally dreading going to bed tonight the loneliness is going to bore a hole right through me. I miss you so much. I hope you're doing better. My best friend is gone and even though I can't talk to you writing does make me feel a little more at ease at least for the moment.”

What is wrong with this guy, I over and over think….HELLLO you fucking did all this, you ripped my soul out over and over until I was nothing and now you are sad! This kid is such a fucking basket case! Of course it makes me feel good and sad because I miss him so much but I can’t let myself get sucked back into this! I am debating whether to write him back?
I must admit I stalked his Myspace partly to remind me what an asshole he is (I was prepping to see fucking Myspace whores all in his friends list) and to see if he still has my pictures up (which he has yet to take down). I know I know I am fucking pathetic. Hey I have been really good about not looking for over two months and I just couldn’t help myself after a couple of glasses of wine. Of course this crazy guy didn’t take my pictures off and he even changed his quote to “I guess I am a diamond house” (refer to previous post) which means he is stalking my Myspace blog. Even better he put a new song up by Staind called “Everything changes” which the lyrics I guess are very poignant to how he could feel now.

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose'
Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could Turn back the years
If you could Learn to forgive me
Then I could Learn how to feel

Then we couldStay here together
And we couldConquer the world
If we couldSay that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

What is even more depressing about that song is that we went to see Aaron Lewis this last Christmas play acoustic in a small venue and it was such a great show. I LOVE Staind and he knows that. I always said a lot of his lyrics reminded me of him and now this manipulator is trying to play on that part of my emotions. Why do I fucking care, this is ridiculous! The song is so true thought because no matter how much I love him or miss him I just can’t keep doing this to myself. He will never change! If I got back with him, he would be good for a year.
I actually had a dream about S. the other morning and he basically cheated on me and I woke up remembering why I broke up with him. I felt that horrible gut feeling in the dream and when I woke up it made me realize I am so tired of feeling that for the last three years. I can’t allow myself to be with someone who is so selfish and self destructive, plus I am sure all of this is word vomit. He says all this crap but his actions never follow suite to it. Ok Ok I need to think about something else….
On the dating front, I have a new date with a guy that is a cowboy basically, hehe! He works on a horse farm and seems chill. We had some cute funny conversation last night and are going to meet up on Friday, but one catch is he has the same name as S. which is good and bad. Good because if it goes anywhere I would never slip and say S. name during sex but bad because this dating is supposed to get my mind off S.

The weekend Part 2...

Ok so on with the weekend. After the date with the nice Rec. Boy I went to the gym and got ready to go out by taking a nap, hehehe! Well when I woke up MAC girl had called me but so had cute R&D guy. He wanted to meet up in Hartford and since I was going to be their anyway to see a friend’s band play it turned out perfect. Long story short we met up, drank a lot, danced had great conversation and I passed out over at his place. Only made out with him and I wouldn’t sleep with him just because I know he is totally damaged (as well as I) and more so since we work in the same building. He seemed normal in the morning and fun. I tried to make it very clear there is no need to be weird since nothing happened and he seemed cool.
I woke up with a bad headache and had to go to a wedding shower….I am pretty sure I reeked of booze and cigarettes but time was against me. I went and couldn’t eat much but got to talk to a friend of a friend Hippie girl and she had me rolling. I text R&D boy thanks for the ride and then nothing….I think any other time that would have bothered me but honestly I just don’t care. Granted its too bad he was fun but I am so angry with men and have an “I just don’t give a fuck attitude” that as long as the next time I see him he isn’t weird I really could care less.
The rest of Sunday was normal; I dragged my ass to the gym and then went to my friend Kristie and Franks for Sopranos, Entourage and wine. Its hard sometimes to go there considering it is right down the street from S. and they remind me of him since we always did everything together. I almost called him last night but I refrained and it is getting easier and easier. I don’t know how I can feel so strong one moment and so fucking weak the next. This is going to be a rollercoaster of healing I am sure. Thank god for the gym…that shit helps me feel like I can sweat out my issues J

The weekend Part 1...

Well this weekend was definitely crazy, fun and a little much. Lets see first off I went to the happy hour which turned out to be a lot of fun, and I got the cute R&D guy to go, but I found out real soon that he is just as damaged as I am right now. He got dumped by his long term girlfriend of 5 years about a month ago. Hmmm ok this could be good right, two messed up young people coming together….WAIT no that is not good because we work together. So we talked flirted and he asked for my number (I gave it after numerous blue moons, hehe) before he left. Well as I am bounding from one coworker to another (So many people showed up due to the fact that it was 4 peoples birthdays) bantering I start talking to Safety Guy….ended up spilling my guts about S. when Hot gym boy texts me about ignoring his calls, blah blah. I was up front and told him “WE have nothing in common at all, so why are we pretending?” He said he wanted to be friends..Ahhh OK friends should be able to have conversations but that is fine. Ease your ego big man and call us friends. It’s too bad I am not really physically attracted to Safety guy because his personality ROCKS. He is too funny and I love a good sick sense of humor. I definitely had an ego boost all night considering I paid for barely any drinks, convinced a random guy to share his pitcher with me, and even got a guy I yelled buying me drinks.
Apparently men love bitches and this is fine right now because I am bitter and have a wall up. I don’t care if I ever see any of these guys I have been dating or talking to. So continuing with the night….
After drinking till midnight and seeing two coworkers making out whom were so mismatched and in my craziest dreams could not have see that coming, I decided enough was enough and walked Safety guy to his car and gave him a hug goodbye. As I am driving home I am mad, mad at S. and men in general. So I decided to act like a man and call Hot gym boy. I asked him what he was doing and told him to come to his house. He dropped his friends immediately and came home. I basically told him to shut up so we can have sex. He kept trying to talk and although he has a great body and not a bad package I was sorely disappointed with his stamina. I was in and out in 25 mins! I hate having to pretend getting off but what was I going to do, try and talk to this guy. So I left and he made it clear that he wanted me to call him and he doesn’t mind the booty call arrangement. This is good for me but I don’t know if I feel like training him. It was actually a little liberating to act like a man. Although I feel bad to a certain extent, basically I am releasing my anger out on random men when we all know it is coming from S. The worst part is I know this but I also know I am not going to stop. I went home and saw that S. was online and I called. I know I know, shoot me now. BUT before you condemn me I was in a good mood and we had a great talk, well I was good on the phone S. was depressed (probably a fucking act) and we talked openly about everything. I told him I am getting better and better and the not seeing him/sleeping with him was really good for me. It was a long conversation over an hour, but it was nice to talk and hear his voice. I can’t wait for the day when we can be best friends, but sometimes I know that will A. Never happen or B. Take like 10 years and us to both fall in love with someone else. Finally by 3:30am I passed out after a long night…
I woke up early and went to the gym (my saving grace through this whole thing) and then met up with Rec. Guy for an afternoon date. We went to a scrimmage game to the state school. I am not a fan of football but we did more chatting than anything. It was getting cold so we went to a restaurant and I actually ate some greasy bad food which felt like a brick afterwards. Now the thing about Rec. Guy is that he is a sweet normal guy who is not bad but he is kind of boring. We don’t really have the same sense of humor and although he is adorable and a good-looking guy he doesn’t get me excited. So I am going to have to break the news to him that I don’t think it is going anywhere. I made sure to pick up our last lunch so I didn’t feel guilty.
I will continue to the rest of the weekend later today but off to a meeting…

Dating update...

Ok so let’s recap with the dates…

Hot gym boy- BORDER LINE RETARDED. This was such a waste of a good looking guy, have avoided his calls and he has since stopped trying to contact me. Thank god!

Rec. Boy- had a really good time with him, a sweetheart. Good kisser but I didn’t have that I want to get in your pants feeling. Definitely going to see him again since I am not sure it is because of him and our chemistry or because I am still bitter, hehe

Financial Guy- Sweetheart but way too metro sexual for me. I might date him again but he is kind of far so I don’t know if it is worth it.

So I am chatting with others online but……There is this adorable, sexy R &D guy I met in training and I actually was excited and turned on by him. I was actually thinking naughty thoughts and he was fun. ONLY down fall, he is year younger than I. This could be bad since I just left one mid twenties guy who in the end didn’t want to grow up. Plus we work in the same building so I don’t know if it is so smart to shit where you eat. I will have to get a better “feel” (hmmm and not just figuratively) for him and see if this could be a good thing or a bad thing.

Greek guy- Low and behold (and no surprise) he called late last night and told me how he wants me but…he has a girlfriend. I told him just friends and figure your won shit out because I can’t promise anything right now. I will write about him later since he have done this song and dance for about 2 years now.

This dating thing isn’t half bad and I am thinking of S. less and less, and I feel stronger and stronger. Its not that I don’t miss him but the clean break (which I should have done along time ago) has definitely helped me gain clarity and understand that it is for the best and basically see him for the piece of shit he is. I found this great quote

“I don’t miss him; I miss who I thought he was!”

So god dam true. Well I will keep you posted of my dating shenanigans….

Keep the Hate ALIVE!

Anger that is all I feel right now after that email S. sent me. How can you email me that I need to lay off the sauce when you are a blatant alcoholic! Well let me give you some background…when S. and I first met I was just out of college and still living the young partying life. I was no better I was partying on Tuesday night till the following Monday when I had to recoup for one night. I was only going to grad classes three nights a week and working part time so I after being gone for 4 years from my close friends loved to go out. Yet over the last 4 years I started to grow up and realize that getting smashed every night or weekend was not a good thing and getting kind of old. Well S. still on the weekends would get so fucking smashed that it was ridiculous. COME on at 28 you are still acting like you are 18. The last couple of years I realized this kid (which is what he is) does not know how to hold his liquer and is border line alcoholic. AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME I should watch what I am drinking, GO FUCK YOURSELF! I am not the one that has done more AA mandated classes and community service. Holy shit what was I thinking about being with this guy.
Other part of email that pisses me off to the point that I want to bludgeon him to death (of course I would never do that) is the “can you do me a favor and help me out with this?” Again my new response to anything S. says to me is going to be GO FUCK YOURSELF! You are asking me for help….how selfish are you? Me, ME, MEMEMEMEME! Always about him and what he needs. Sure…S I will help you save money so you can get a cheap flight go visit your rents and fuck random beach sluts, UHHHH I think not. So I decided to just not respond to the email. I am going to leave him hanging and not speak to him at all. I feel as though I am getting better and stronger everyday. I still miss him but I am realizing that he is not good enough for me. I am going to continue to go to the gym, date (I have a nice prospect tonight and so much better than the hot gym retard), and make sure I look fabulous the next time I see that piece of shit at the wedding. Well better get back to work…thank god I have this blog to express myself, it is helping so much. I can’t wait for the day I look back and realize I made the best decision getting rid of that selfish, alcoholic, basket case.

Coworker gone = Happy ME!

Ok so work update….remember when I spoke about the two coworkers whom I could not stand. OH YES ONE OF THEM IS TRANSFERRING! I am so excited and happy; I told him congratulations with a huge smile on my face. If he only knew it was because I can’t stand him as a human being. People that bitter, cheap and condescending should locked away forever…..or at least transferred, hehe!
On the relationship front I have a date tomorrow with Rec. Boy and a date with financial guy on Thursday so it is to the gym and relaxing tonight. Last night was atrocious with hot gym boy but I guess it was expected and it gave me a good laugh…
I also received an email from S. which again he never ceases to amaze me. It wasn’t dramatic or anything but he was asking for my help…ok you fucking asshole, I am not your girl anymore so do it yourself. He ended it with “Thinking of you always”, hmmmm sure you are dickhead! I am pretty sure he is not sitting home with his dick in his hand, hell I’m not and I am a female. (Not that that is a bad thing but we know how much easier it is for men to “replace” then it is for women after a breakup) Please God let one of these two dates I have in the week be at least have way decent. I do not need perfect just someone that is more than border line retarded, hehe! I don’t think I am going to respond to S. or at least not till the end of the week. I am so tired but I am going to the gym because I am going to look so fucking hot for this wedding I am going to see him at! (Sorry the bitter girl is coming out I know…it’s not pretty)

Dating a retard is not fun...

HOLY shit can I just tell you that the date last night was a complete disaster! I know stereotypes are not always true but the one where very beautiful people do not have to work on any other of their aspect at least proved true with hot gym boy. He was borderline retarded, hehe!
We met on Saturday and maybe because I was drinking he seemed more talkative and fun, well that was not the case last night. We decided to have dinner at his new house and watch a movie. I brought cheese and crackers, some Sun chips, and a six pack. I know not too classy but I was hoping to just have a relaxed, get to know you kind of dinner. Well after him barking at me to take my shoes off (completely OCD to the point or ridiculous), absolutely no conversation (I asked and asked and was answered with one word answers) and he asked me nothing. So I figure fine just get the movie in then at least I don’t have to talk to this guy and then I can leave without to much issue.
Well he got into about 5 minutes of the movie “The Libertine” (A 1600 period piece about a man who brought his hedonistic rebellious ways to a puritanical society) and he started to complain how he couldn’t understand what they were talking about and changed it for some tits and ass movie. OK men I understand not loving movies like this but you are on a first date? Plus the movie even in the first 5 minutes had a hot sex scene which is the only time he paid attention to the Movie. Fine Hot gym boy put in the other movie I just want it to be over so I can get the fuck out of here.
Damn its too bad someone so hot has to be so fucking retarded. I didn’t even want to kiss him at the end….which he basically didn’t kiss me because he was eating sun chips (as was I). So I got the hell out of there and called Cute financial guy and laughed the whole way about how I survived my first date with a down syndrome hot guy……Dating is definitely going to be interesting, hehe!

Rebound men here I come...

Ok so I resceduled with Rec boy to hang out with Gym boy...I know I know but gym boy is a perfect rebound. He is someone I would never fall for (he seems like an idiot, a little vain and a little cheap) but he looks so good and kisses so well. I need a guy like that and Rec seems more real. I will keep you posted...

Interesting weekend...

Ok so this weekend was definitely an interesting one. It started on Thursday with MAC girl and I going out to our normal local bars and it was fun, not too eventful from what I can remember. I was prepping myself for that Friday since it was S. birthday (why do I care….what is my fucking problem) I of course in a drunken pathetic state text S. around 2am Happy Birthday and passed out.
No response which I was slightly relieved when I woke up the next day. So that day I just did the normal gym, cleaning, hanging with MAC (she has pretty much been a great surrogate roommate) and then went to visit the Newlyweds Kristie and Frank. Kristie has been one of my best friends since high school and met Frank through S. and I. Of course Frank can commit so they got married and just moved into a new gorgeous house. The house is gorgeous but it is right up the street from S. apartment (I always drive the long way to avoid looking like a stalker. I went over and low and behold I get a text from Toxic S. saying “Up late last night? Thanks for the text.” We exchanged back and forth and he asked me to come over….AHHH hell no. He was depressed because apparently his birthday day was pretty uneventful. Then he brought up a wedding we have to go to (again we have way too many of the same friends) and he had the nerve to ask if I was bringing a date or if we could go together! WHAT, friends we are and will probably (at least not in the next 5 years) be friends. I told him I was thinking of bringing a date only because I thought he would have brought one. He began to tell me how seeing me with someone would make him sick and puke over his shoes. He asked that I let our friends know if I am so he will bow out and not attend. Part of this made me feel good but at the same token it shows again how selfish this prick is. Always about him and how he feels….Whatever!
On to the rest of the weekend…after there I went out with MAC and we ended up seeing an old friend (we will call him Male whore) and that was fun. He is a fun guy but by his nickname you can tell how much I respect him when it comes to his interactions with women. I kept getting approached by young guys and somehow got the same pickup line by three guys. Do men get together and have a manual. Standing by myself does not mean I am lonely. That was the line “You look lonely…being crappy conversation here.” By the third one and a few drinks I basically laughed at the guy. I couldn’t help it and the fact that the kid was like 20 years old did not help his attempt…
Saturday was filled with the gym, errands and other unimportant things but that night was fun…I ended up meeting a really hot trophy boy whom we will call Gym boy. He ditched his friends and hung out with me all night (did not expect it at all) and can I tell you that although he is not that bright he is sooooo great to look at. And he turned out to be a really great kisser and have a really nice house. Now do not think I was a slut because I was not. We cuddled and made out and that was it. Although there was a hot second when I was pressed against his hot 6’2 jacked up (imagine Brad pit’s body from Troy) body that it crossed my mind. I am glad I didn’t only because it probably would have made me feel shitty about myself. So who knows if he will call although it would be great to bring him to the wedding? Ok I am going to be a bitter bitch for a second and want him to go with me because he is hot and has the body S. has always wanted, hehe!
So I have numerous rebound guys and the list is as followed:

“Hot Gym Boy”- not the brightest but seems like a great wedding prospect.
“Financial Advisor guy” – adorable and more my taste in looks but is a little metro for me, but I have a date with him on Tuesday.
“Rec. Guy” – he is adorable as well and fun to talk to we have a date tonight so let’s see how this goes.
“Marine Man” – we hadn’t really talked for a while but he texted me out of nowhere yesterday with Happy Easter, so maybe he isn’t a complete lost.
"Greek guy"- he pulled away again (he pops up every 4-6 months) because he has a live in girlfriend and I told him we could only be friends.
"New haven guy"- just started chatting with him so I really have no idea what he is like at all.

This whole dating thing is kind of crazy and I am sure I will have tons of stories for you….I have a date with Rec guy after I go to my crazy cardio strength training class. Have to keep this banging body in gear or at least until the wedding.

Finally a response

Well he finally responded...it's as follows.

"I agree with most of what you've said here and cannot argue. I would just like you to know I did not do this for strange pussy I did this because I could not tell you what you needed to hear. Thus far in my life I have freaked out, and ran from, major major commitments because I put up a wall around myself when I become vulnerable and marriage to me is the most vulnerable you can be. I've worked hard to take this wall down and have succeeded in many aspects of my life. While marraige and children are something that I want in the future I cannot, at this time, seem to break down those walls and let myself go. I want you to know I didn't lie to you when I said those are both things that I want because I do. I have no desire to be with anyone else nor do I in the future see myself with anyone besides you I'm sorry I'm screwed up in the head but I will get to the bottom of my uneasiness and I will be back to you some day I just hope, and fear you won't, you will be able to take me back. I hurt everyday knowing that this is all my fault and could have been prevented easily had I not been such a basketcase. I love you. "

Hmmm makes me feel good he feels bad but I never can trust what he says....probably fucking some strange pussy right now as we speak. WORD VOMIT! (So why am I still sad and miss him) FUCKING BULLSHIT THIS IS!

2am...

And no response from S. from my last email....BIG FUCKING SURPRISE!

Email from S.

So low and behold I am having a strong day (greek guy and I talked and it was like old times) and I check my personal email and S. responded to an email I sent like two days ago. Here's what his said and my response.

"you don't have to be sorry I'm sorry I missed your call. I don't know if you want me to pick up but I guess you wouldn't have called if you didn't I'm so confused. Last night I was lying in bed and I realized that I'm a 27 year old man sleeping with a stuffed animal because it reminded me of you I felt a little pathetic but oddly comforted at the same time."

Big surprise on a day i am feeling strong he writes something like that. I have to respond and get my feelings out there. So here is my long response.

"Well if it any consolation I feel your pain. The other night was the first night I really cried (sober and all) over us in a while. I realized it was over….and honestly it hadn’t hit me even the first time we broke up.
I realized I wasn’t going to be with you on your birthday…and I always loved going over the top for you. I hate all of this but deep inside I know why it ended the way it did.
I know this sounds corny but I had an epiphany at work the other day when I heard two songs that reminded me of you and made me realize why shit went so sour. First off U2 “with or without you” which obviously you get why that song got to me but the next was “hate me” by Blue October. I think you signed up for that website because you wanted me to find it and emotionally prepare yourself for what you thought was the inevitable end.
Sometimes I think I should not have been so open about my feelings with you about my fears and thoughts of regrets with you, etc. You wanted me to end it so you didn’t have to (your whole “let things happen so you don’t have to do it”, yet they are usually always a bad thing) and at the same token get some other ass so the end wouldn’t be so bad or at least tolerable. The worst part is that even on our break I had this hope that we would be together. I was truly faithful to you even over the break and I thought we had an understanding. I just thought we went through so much that we could get through anything, but that was so hurtful to see you on such a website. Even if you knew it was me from the emails you were contacting other and had the profile up in the first place. It made me feel worthless and so confused because I thought we had a great sex life (damn you and your moves).
I always wonder what I could do differently (I know its no good to do that) but I don’t want to drive away someone else in the future that I love (hopefully it will happen I doubt it some days) as much as I love you. I also feel like you didn’t always tell me when things bothered you when they upset you unless you were drunk.
Maybe I am over thinking all of it (hmmm that is no fucking surprise) and you just were not into me like you used to. Almost 4 years together and so much up and downs it might not be surprising to want someone else and new. What is it called “strange pussy”? Hehe.
Unfortunately as many qualities of a man I have (not bothered by strip clubs, bluntness, pervertedness, my sex drive) I also am a woman who is a true serial monogamist. See Justin I found everything I wanted in a partner in you (good and bad) and was happy with just you. Not that I wouldn’t be attracted to others from time to time (Colin Farrell, hehe) but I never wanted to ruin what we had for some fleeting attraction. I have done the sex with no emotion (its fun for the night) and found the love and partner sex was so much better (especially when it came to orgasming). I know this is different with men, but that’s one of the downfalls of being a woman I guess.
What’s so weird is when I was crying on Tuesday I just wanted to talk to you. I feel like you died…I lost my best friend in so many ways. I just cuddle with my pillow at night and wake up the next morning on my side of the bed hoping to roll over and find you with your head dug so far under the pillow where I can only see your adorable duck lips. This does not happen and I continue the day with a horrible void.
I even miss calling the Bliss and fighting with John and Nick to get you on the phone. After so long with someone how do you move on to someone else new? This is my dilemma, I have been asked out on numerous dates (which as you know too, everyone keeps pushing me just getting with someone to get over you) and I just feel so numb that putting any airs for anyone makes me sick right now. (I am praying this is not forever because I know you will be with someone soon) With you I was always able to just be myself, good, bad, bitchy, overbearing, silly, corny, and no makeup….so now I have to start over and feel like I need to impress someone. DAMMIT this dating shit (which I am avoiding as we speak) is going to fucking suck. I don’t want to compare everyone to you….that isn’t fair.
So what am I left with, self medicating, crying with my pillow for now, pretending to my friends that I am exciting about dating (so they will stop harping), and the gym (only good thing about the breakup is my banging ass body, hehehe).
I wish things had been so different, I wish you believed in me and you and a good life together. I wish you could be happy with just me. I wish I had not been so open with my insecurities which probably contributed to pushing you away. I wish you had always been honest with me because even with mistakes made when you come clean it makes it just a mistake and not a betrayal. More so I hope I get over this, I hope you are happy, I hope you never fall for someone else again (that is my selfish bitter part coming out, sorry she has been in full swing the last week), I hope we can be friends, I hope all of this isn’t something we regret forever, I hope I will learn to be comfortable on my own completely, and lastly I hope this void will lessen with time.
I am petrified of the first time I see you with someone for the first time. I know I will act cool and fine but I will probably die inside. I guess it is good our friends don’t speak of each other to us. I don’t want to hear that you are doing fantastic and at the same token I never want to hear anything bad is happening to you. How can I be so tormented and on opposite extremes all the time? I hate you, I love you, I miss you, I want you to die, I want nothing but happiness for you, I want you to be miserable forever……this kind of love is not what I expected in a million years. I thought your first love was supposed to be the worst. Well I can tell you mister that is not true. Maybe you were just my first TRUE love and the passion between us was never an issue, just your passion for all women and booze was.
I know this is for the best but I don’t know how to go about it…the clean break seems the smartest way but at the same time that seems so unbearable that it kills me. God I wish I could see you….but I know at the same time it can’t be good. It doesn’t change anything.. You still do not want to get married ever or even have kids (which to be honest all of that really came as a surprise. One question did you always think that way and just not tell me or did something happen to change that?). I guess the truth is love can’t get you through everything (I was always naive and believed that, hmmm the truth definitely hurts). So I guess I am taking it day by day and hopefully the pain will lessen. They say time helps right, how come I don’t feel that yet? I try to be strong but I know sometimes I won’t be so please don’t hold it against me….Sorry for the rambling. Its just so hard to not be able to talk to you (and we know how much I talk). Does any of this make any sense…. "

Who knows he will probably wait a month when I am starting to truly feel better to respond so he can fuck with me again. Maybe Myspace isn't the Devil but S. is? Am I in love with the devil?

Single again....

Well today has been better. I think the weather and spending the night with S. on Sunday was still lingering yesterday. So I went over to the other building on my work campus and flirted with Safety guy. Safety guy approached me a long time ago for a date but I was still with S at the time so I politely declined. He is cute, older and funny as hell but 2 slight problem that I can’t believe I am going to even going to mention (well one more than the other). He has a bald spot, and he has an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I am more freaked out with the bald spot can you believe that! I can’t believe I am that shallow. I have never been that way, or maybe I have. I don’t have to have the most gorgeous guy in the world but there are a few things that turn me off and that is one of them. Safety guy does send me hilarious emails and banter which make me laugh my ass off so maybe I will keep talking to him. I have not mentioned that S. and I broke up because I don’t want to be barraged with him asking me out. I did forward the happy hour meet up for next week to see if he would go.
As for Greek guy (long story will share later) he has been emailing me as well. He has this intuitive sense and would always email me when S. and I were having problems. He has been one of the only men whom I thought about besides S. as being with over the last 4 years only thing that sucked was the sex. He was weird about it, nervous; acting like he wasn’t interested in that….yet PDA and his affection would be showered on me all the time. I gave him a couple of tries in that department and he failed miserably. Unfortunately at the time love and great sex brought me back to S. well I am quite able to examine Greek guy again since the slut S. likes sex a little too much, maybe someone with a slightly less drive would be good and he was great to hang out with.
Last but not least on the single life of me, I set up a match profile and put some new pics on my Devil…I mean Myspace and I have gotten responses already so let the dating commence. I know S. will be out there sleeping around so why can’t I go out and have some fun (not sleep around but dinner and a laugh)? Only thing that sucks is that I have to see him at a wedding in about a month and a half, so I have to find a suitable date and I have to continue to look fabulous. Hmmm maybe I won’t even care what he thinks by then (hmmmm who am I kidding). I will post a little more later….(this is so great to be able to put all my shit out there totally open and honest).

Need to keep it together..

So I am at work and heard the song that I believe S. is singing to me..."Hate Me" by Blue October. Basically he has been an asshole toward the end becasue he knows how fucked up he is and he knows he is not good for me....or maybe he is just not that into me (so why does he still call, text, etc.) fuck it I need to get over this shit!

The healing rollercoaster..

I don’t know why but the roller coaster of healing is definitely a roller coaster. After the incident on Sunday (reminder I was pathetic and hung out with him) which made me feel shitty, I was doing better by Monday night. I actually just went to my insane cardio sculpting class (on a side note got a compliment on my lunges from the instructor which put a huge smile on my face), watched some TV, made dinner and went online a bit (put up some online profiles but need to actually get paid to pay for a subscription) but all in all was dealing with the loneliness quite well. I actually went to bed early and got 7 full hours of sleep.
Tuesday was ok, and I was feeling better and better. Went to a step class and got another compliment on how I was looking fabulous. It’s funny because the two compliments I got from trainers made me feel better in the last two days than any compliment from a man. My sister had called me and asked to hang out which I agreed and then MAC girl called as well and we went to a local bar we used to always hang out in. It was fun, sang some man hating Karaoke but the surprising thing was when some guys starting hitting on me. I didn’t feel better it just made me miss S. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can I miss a piece of shit like that? I tell myself over and over. SO I accept the shots and start to self medicate which is never good. The lowest point is when I got home to my dark lonely apartment and I did what I told myself I wouldn’t I called. Thank god he didn’t answer but I ask myself over and over why I can’t just let this guy go. I know, I know we have history it wasn’t always bad but the catastrophic mistakes he made should overshadow any good right?
I guess I just feel sad and angry at myself for sticking around so long. His birthday is this weekend which should be interesting. Divorcee friends’ situation will come up and I expect it. I have luckily MAC hanging with me so I won’t be alone. We might go to the southern party city since S. pretty much has claim to the central one. I do not want to go anywhere near there and have sanctioned it (in my head only) as his for a while. Secretly I want his birthday to suck and for him to realize that no one will ever be me or replace me, yet I know I should never be with him. Guess I just want him to be miserable like I am right now. Gross I am so disgusted with myself right now. I am going to make myself go to this new wine tasting event where I know nobody tomorrow. Guess I need to do double gym tonight (need that anyways since I feel so depressed). I will keep you posted on this weekend and how I feel I am going to make an ass out of myself one way or another.

Can I be any more lame...

I so need to put my crazy emotions out there…this blog is definitely therapeutic for me. So I started the weekend out going strong “KEEP the hate alive” has been my motto and it seems to be working. No contact with S. and I was doing good. Work was insane (I will post a whole other blog about that) so when 5pm came around I actually went to happy hour with co-workers and I had a pretty good time. Around 7pm I had gotten a hold of a new friend we will call Leslie and we agreed to meet up since she had recently dumped her super toxic boyfriend as well. She brought a friend which we will dub bootylicious and we had a couple of glasses of wine and headed out to the bars near my house. We had a good time and it was nice to laugh.
I hate when you are the only single girl out of your core group. I love my friends and they try very hard but they are all wrapped up in their own lives to be around as much as I would like them to. So I have been reaching out to new people which is a good thing.
Came home and passed out, the single life is not helping my liver what’s so ever and I seriously need to relax but of course the birthday party on Saturday for my girlfriend Hairstylist was going to be interesting. Her husband is best friends with S. and he was somewhat disinvested. I did not feel bad at any point because I offered to go away for the weekend and let S. go but Hairstylist was not having it. I stopped by my mothers arts dance charity event for a bit and then went over Hairstylists and began to drink heavily. The night was fun and started to get blurry by the end, I luckily just passed out and that was that.
I wake up with a wicked headache and to numerous calls from the Toxic S. and apparently my friends saw this and kept deleting the call log. Well Toxic S. is persistent and I awoke to “I miss you baby”..BABY that’s what I get after 4 years a “baby”. I was so irritated and pissed, he was probably so drunk he didn’t know which fucking baby he was texting. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I had a great workout due to him even with a hangover. He texted me in the early “Sorry I called you I just miss you, no response necessary” and at first I wasn’t going to respond but I did. “I miss you too but you did this all, it sucks wish I was enough for you.” Then nothing….all day I went to the gym, cleaned my house, watched a movie and then went over to Hairstylists to watch the new shot The Tudors on Showtime. The night consisted of wine and pizza, which was a little hard to take due to not having greasy food for a while but I got down two slices. I began getting more and more tipsy and please shoot me now I called the fucking toxic bastard. I am so lame…his father called me earlier and I wanted to let him know but we all know that is a lie. I just wanted to talk to him because I am so fucking pathetic. A long talk and me visiting (damn him, and my weak ways) we had a good night but when I left this morning I was so mad at myself. It was weird because we talked about how this was the right thing to do and how it is for the best. I even said to him…see we are so open in communication that we can talk about our own breakup. When people tell you to make a clean break they are definitely correct because I felt like shit in the morning and just bolted. I bolted like I was doing the walk of shame in college. I told him I loved him and that was that. I snuck out in hopes that no one would see me. See the pathetic lame woman who keeps allowing herself to care about this fucking piece of shit. I calmed myself as I drove to work and I am feeling better and better. I need to keep reminding me what a horrible person he is. He just lies and lies over and over. The weird thing is I know S. has love for me but he is so screwed up that he can’t offer me what I need or want. This is going to be a rough road ahead although everyday I feel stronger and stronger and I will be able to get over this schmuck and move on. I vow to myself to never let myself get dragged down again by such a toxic person.
On a side note the Greek emailed me back, and hot boy called but didn’t make a date with me yet. More posting will come with this craziness.
P.S. this whole blog will not be about just me dating, but the craziness of this crap is all I can focus on so bear with me.