Beach Bodies!

Ahhh the beach is definitely a better place to be on a Thursday than the confines of a cubicle. As I lay on the beach drinking a Smirnoff Mojito (very sweet but that’s ok since it was 10:30am in the morning) and looked out over the surf at all different people of all sizes and cultures. My eyes caught the back of a female with what I think is the perfect body. She had a lime green triangle bikini on and as she turned slightly to the side her tan and perfect breasts made me stare in awe and jealousy. I am not gay but sometimes I look at some women’s bodies and think “damn” why can’t I have been blessed with genes like that or more time so I can go to the gym everyday for three hours. The other ladies I was with agreed with me about the perfection of this body (S. interjected that we were all fucking retarded because she had no ass or curves) until she turned her head and we all realized she was like 13-15 years old. Uhhhhhh apparently I was a body of a pre-pubescent….scary.

Always a victim

OK mid day rant..not pretty but needed for my sanity. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is people who blame everything wrong in their life on someone else.
I have a roommate (hmm first time living with a man and somehow I am living with three) who yes had a whore for a mother and a non existent mother but how come every time he loses a job, or crashes his girlfriends car (why she allows the loser to drive it after this has happened time and time again is beyond me), or generally fucks up it is always someone else fault.
My coworker (pubic chest hair man) who came in an hour and a half late started to bitch about getting yelled at. HELLO dumb ass you didn’t call and nobody really cares that it was because your son was late getting the bus. Especially not my boss who is a lesbian and has no children except her dogs (if it was because of your dog she would be more forgiving, hehe isn’t that crazy).
I guess the weird thing is my parents never believed in things like peer pressure and what not. I was responsible for my actions and that was it. My parents never fell for the “Oh it’s not mine it’s my friends weed” line. FUCK they would always assume it was mine. So I became accustomed to realizing pretty much most things I have some sort of control over (not all) and that my actions are my actions. HENCE if you get in trouble, admit it, apologize and move the fuck on. END RANT.

FUNNIEST PICTURE OF ALL TIME!

Ok this picture is so fucking funny, I can't help but piss myself. I guess this shows the kind of sick perverted humor I have (also why I am great in bed, hehe). Don't you ever just want to do this....Kick someone in the balls! Ahhh to kick someone when they deserve it with no fear of getting arrested, that would be heaven on days when I have 6 meetings.

I thought I was a slacker...

I will be honest I do not work very hard at work! There I said it, out loud for everyone to hear. BUT...this is not my fault. (well somewhat but hear me out) I work at a corporate company and the job I have makes me work with different departments one different projects. So in a nut shell anytime I work on something I get to a certain point then it is stalled because someone else on the "team" needs to do something. This of course takes forever because everyone has different "priorities" (I love how corporate jargon tries to make people sound intelligent) and sometimes I work with idiots who take forever.
When I first started working I was a young buck (well almost two years younger) and I thought oh I will work hard, be dilligent, make my way up! Hmmm, learned real quick that at this job moving too fast pisses people off. So my resolution is to be faster than most but not too fast to tick anyone else off. Seems to be working just fine and hey working with this mentality I only work about and hour a day! Isn't corporate life grand :-)

FUCKING MEN!

Can I please rant like a lunatic bitch for a minute or two! I know nobody likes a whining person but S has this ability to fucking piss me off like there is no tomorrow. Conversation goes as follows

Me: Hey Hun I might be able to get tomorrow off and meet you at the beach, if that is ok with you?
S.: Yeah no problem that sounds good, how are you getting out?
S: Switching up vacation or just calling out?
Me: Switching up days it looks like it is going to be rainy on Monday so if it isn’t a problem could you just give me the address so I can map quest it?
S: Don’t have that as soon as I get the address I will get it to you?
Me: Cool hopefully I will get the ok from my boss for tomorrow or I am going to take Thursday off?
S: Thursday, why are you going to take Thursday off?
Me: Well if I can get tomorrow off it will be cool if not Thursday is going to be sunny too?
S: Whatever go hang out with MAC girl….
He hangs up on me!

What the fuck, you are hanging up on me because of why? I don’t know what day I can get off? I have never been hung up on like that for any reason! I wasn’t yelling, pissed off or anything. All of a sudden he is mad because I made plans tonight after he told me he was going out! What the fuck? He is going out with Frank to his Boss’s house in a little ritzy beach town. His mid life crisis well off boss will pay for everything and show them a good time. Now let’s be honest, they will probably get really drunk and either hit on girls (the boss is single) or go to the strip club. I don’t care but of course Stylist does so I am sure this is not being mentioned. Or I could be paranoid due to the previous post, but basically I don’t want to sit home while he goes out and hang with the guys while I sit home like a good little fucking housewife. I am tired of the guys getting to go out to strip clubs, etc while my only fun is supposed to be shopping or my nails. FUCK that I am not going tomorrow and going to the beach with my friend Jew friend. I tried to find a male review to find some hot eye candy for myself but they all seem to be further away then I would like them to be. She may be a cheap but she is fun, loves to flirt with guys, and get free drinks. Plus she wouldn’t rat me out for the same. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I don’t know how I let this man irritate me so much. I know I have to pick my battles and it is not that big of a deal but what the fuck! Want to punch him in the fucking balls right now!

Love and Hate

I have no idea how one person can irritate and piss you off soo much one minute than the happiest person the next. This weekend we four (I will refer in the future as the foursome which includes S., I and our two best friends who happen to be married) went to Boston to celebrate Franks birthday. We made reservations for a really good restaurant called “radius” which was delicious but took forever.
Here is the clincher. S. is a chef and that is wonderful but he does not realize that he completely comes off as a condescending dick when it comes to food and wine. I apparently have no “palate”. Know what “go fuck yourself”! This coming from a guy who will eat old milk or food with a little bit of mold on it. Do not get me wrong, I know he has years and years of experience with food and wine but I am not a complete fucking retard either.
So over dinner I was getting more and more pissed off but just kept it to myself. So at one point I went to go for a smoke (dinner was over three and a half hours) and S. followed me. On a side note my sister (her and her husband joined us as well) made some snide comment that we must be having sex in the bathroom (yeah right) because once years ago we had sex in their bathroom (so sue me I enjoy sex with my partner maybe she should try it).
He comes out and then begins showering me with compliments and soon enough I am not pissed but elated. So how does this work, am I that easy to calm, or am I picking my battles.
Sometimes I watch Frank and Hairstylist and I am amazed at how she treats him. She pretty much berates him, and is a snot and he just takes it. Is that how married life will be? I pray to god that I never become like that…although maybe S is just being like Hairstylist and I am like Frank taking it up the ass?

Friday

Some good things for this Friday:
I can breathe through at least one nostril.
I woke up from a dream where I wanted to kill S. but when I awoke he had his hand in mine (corny but nice).
It’s Friday so I don’t have to work tomorrow
Pathetic co-worker with the pubic chest hair had a half day so I do not have to avert my eyes anymore.
Going to Boston tomorrow with S, Frank, and Hairstylist.
Some bad things about this Friday:
I still can’t breathe out of the other nostril and somehow it moves from one side to the other. Does my snot have a brain is it moving around inside my head.
In the dream S was puking and drunk out of his mind and I could not get him to move…reminds me of old times.
My pants are getting tight…with being sick, BBQ’s, Birthdays, etc I have not been going to the gym basically at all.
I want to fall asleep sooo bad right now.

Last two days..

Let's see I felt like shit on monday, and tuesday...started to feel better on wednesday (which I had a vacation day) but of course I partied a bit and have gone straight back to feeling like shit. Since I was out of tuesday and wednesday I have no choice but to come to work and get this stupid project done. I guess it is nice that tomorrow is friday and I had a great talk with S. last night about us, marriage, divorce, etc. Sometimes partying can lead to more than fights and problems. Well this weekend should be lots of fun, off to Boston to celebrate our mutual friends birthday. Going to be an expensive weekend which is no surprise with these two. Don't get me wrong I know it will be fun but I need to save. GOD DAMMIT! Fuck saving is alot harder than I thought. How is it I am making more than I ever did in college yet I have nothing monetary to show for it?

Feel like shit!

Ok so I feel like shit...my nose is raw as fuck from sneezing and wiping my nose. My eyes keep watering due to the sneezing so it appears to be a visious cycle. What i love the most is that I always have really big hot projects when I am either sick or about to go on vacation. Apparently i have both, since I took this wednesday off and i feel like shit. I do not have allergies, hmm maybe it was from all the partying I did this weekend. Dammit, I miss being able to go on three day party benders and not feel it. FUCK getting older!

Guilt

I know i shouldn't but I feel guilty! Guilty that I got S back and I want MAC girl to have the same. Not per se with her asshole ex (whom she is still talking to) but with a nice guy. I sometimes wish she was a little more willing to get herself out there. I forced myself to date before S and I got back together. She is more reserved (fun as hell with me) but not with men. So she came over last night (with a bottle of great organic wine) and we just hung out and watched TV. It was good to see her and she got semi excited about a tattoo boy but I wish she would put herself out there a bit more. So we are going out tonight which should be fun (I really shouldn't spend the money) since we always have a blast. I need to watch my intake because i am doing lunch with Mamma dukes, but who am I kidding I am going to get shitfaced. I guess I just feel bad because she is still hurting and I never want to see my friends that way. Say a prayer she meets the man of her dreams tonight.

Shower is a vessel for enlightenment.

So apparently I am able to reach heights of new enlightenment while I am in the disgusting shower (I have tried and tried to scrub this tub but years of men living there have made it impossible) washing my body. Earlier in the night S and I were just relaxing in the heat watching Top Chef (I love that show) and somehow we started discussing MYSPACE. I had mentioned how I do not understand why men and women try to email people who are in relationships (with sexual intention) and he chuckled in a surprised, I can’t believe you laugh. I cocked my head and replied “What, what was that laugh for?” After a little prodding he replied “You have no idea how easy it is for women? You have all the choices in the world, approached all the time, etc.” First off I wanted to reply “YEAH you better remember that!” which would have been inappropriate and not called for but instead I replied “Hmm never thought about it?” This comment got my brain flowing with thoughts and ideas (doesn’t happen much but watch out when it does) and I went to take a shower. As I was washing myself with antibacterial soup and generic salon grade shampoo and conditioner I started thinking. Men have a much difficult time getting attention, ass, or even a relationship with women (unless you are a superstar or something) while women get approached and seem to have a plethora of options (if you are anywhere close to attractive and are a bit outgoing). YET….women only want one man to be her mate and love while men want tons of women (at least in their fantasies) to fuck. So I guess it goes that you always want what you can’t have. Men will never change the need for diversity (don’t take this the wrong way not every man is a cheater but every man thinks about other women) and women will always dream of that one soul mate bullshit. Why do humans always think the grass is greener on the other side? Can’t we just be happy with what is in front of us?
On another note I applied for a different job that would fit my personality a little more and is about 15 thousand dollars more a year (but that isn’t the real reason I want it….YEAH RIGHT!) Hopefully the slow HR will call me sometime before I turn 50.

New company name = nothing for me

Sometimes I laugh at how a professional work place can make me feel like I am in middle school or high school again. First we have jean fridays, hehe! Can you believe that! We have the ability to wear jeans on fridays...THANK you oh wonderful corporate company gods for reminding me that the rest of the week sucks having to wear uptight and boring clothes (well not always boring but not the same as a cute short skirt and flip flops). Yesterday we had to go to this showing of the new company name and shit. Falshback to highschool when my boss comes in and says "It's mandatory to go to this event...UNDERSTAND!" ahhhh ok will i be sent to the principles office if I don't. So we get hearded like cattle on these buses to the event and wait for fucking ever (not that I do much productive work during the day anyways, but...) and then watch how they have this new plan and name. Corporate identity, globalization, bigger market, blah blah blah. The only highlight of this stupid shit was the question and answer portion began. A woman (whom I will give a hearty handshake to if i come in contact with her) stood up and asked " So after all is said and done and all these GREAT changes are made...what do we get out of it?" TOUCHE and right on sista!
On a different note things with S and I are going great...inlcuding this amazing peach crisp he made for me last night and an amazing sex session.

Anal sex is sometimes needed!

Sometimes Anal sex isn't so bad....like that night. I sometimes want to be that dirty slut pron star and to be honest if you can let yourself go (which is why most women don't like it, tense =pain) you can get off. I got off sooooo good last night! What can I say sometimes its just better in the pooper!

Hmmm sometimes anal sex if not that bad, wink wink....

I had a great weekend and a lot of fun…although I somehow became known as the “shed girl” this weekend. Friday at work sucked considering I did no work and it dragged out to the point where suicide seemed fun. Didn’t do much that night but Saturday I went to the gym (need to get my fat ass back in gear having a man who likes big asses is good but bad at the same time) and then to my friend Hairstylist parents house for their annual July 4th party. Every year it is bigger and better (open bar, twenty foot tiki bar, DJ, decorations, tons of food and decorations) but honestly I still feel like I am 15 around her parents and have to watch my alcohol intake. I was designated driver as well so I only had two margarita’s (pretty sure they were watered down too) and S. showed up after work. Well he got a little tipsy and went to pee behind the shed. Well I went to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid and when we walked out together all of a sudden Ed (hairstylist dad) was joking about what we were doing behind the shed? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink! What!! yeah right not there and not with family around (I can be a fun fuck but not a family and friends around fuck)…but everyone got a good laugh. So somehow I went from respectable engineer to trashy shed whore…..guess it could have been worse. Could have been trashy garbage pail girl?!

Too much testosterone...

Goddammit I can't take it any fucking more. I work with men, live with three guys and can't deal with all the testosterone. I swear it is getting me fucking depressed. Overall jist from all men is tits and ass, never will have ability to be faithful and after 35 you are fucked. I get that men think about sex all the time, but is every female in the world doomed and why is it all these men want it to be okay for themselves to fuck around but the girl isn't allowed to or she is a whore? How is this thinking possible or even logical. Don't get me wrong I love my guy friends and in certain aspects it is great to get insite into the male mind (it has saved me from alot of assholes) but for fuck's sake how much can I listen too...I feel like if I was with all women all the time I would feel the same. I think I need to go off and do my own shit for a while. I wonder how it would be if I hung out with hermaphodites? Would I get tired of both the pussy and the dick?

A calm 4th of July`

Well that was a weird fourth of July since it was in the middle of the week. I kept it calm and went over to S. friends who are so italian it is scary. Now don't get me wrong i have nothing against italians but if I have to say "no thank you" to another helping of food (I had two already) I am going to take one of those sausage links and shove it up their asses. Hmm only good thing is that tacky divorce coworker is off the next two days! Whoo hoo. Oh and on another note...I had the sexiest dream about safety guy. WIERD!

Secret Sleeping spot

I have a secret sleeping spot at work...I pretend to take paperwork with my and trek up to the second floor to a corner tiny cave like meeting room that actually has a lock on it. So I take a chair push it into the corner where you cannot see into through the door and relax with my cell phone in hand to set an alarm....I will most likely get caught at some point and fired but until then I am up to take a nap! I will be back from this and post more.
Sincerely,
Lethargic lazy corporate slave