Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The week is looking throbbing and hard...I mean up!

This week is starting to look up. At the beginning of the week my boss was a complete bitch and flipping out which is no surprise since we are losing another engineer and the work load is insane to begin with. She gave me a hard time and I reminded myself over and over to not go postal on anyone. S. of course gets the brunt of my work venting since I know better than to vent to anyone within this company walls, you never know when people will open their mouth for their own sake. By doing this I have kept everyone on good terms and never had a complaint for 2 years. So S. is amazing at calming me and letting me release my anger with bitching and sex.

Well low and behold I get home yesterday and S. had drawn me a bath, was making dinner, cleaned up the condo, doing laundry, and ran all these errands for me. Can I tell you how much I love this man…I about fell over from just how amazing it felt that he did all that. So in return we went out with some friends for a few drinks (S has off on Wednesday so he always goes out) and I left early and made sure to order pizza and keep it warm for him. When he came home at 2 am he was ecstatic since you can’t find an open pizza joint at that hour. Sometimes it is so nice to do little things for each other. I am sooo corny I know but come on….sometimes you have to share the good things about your partner right?

The end of the week is looking fabulous as well. Going to get some six packs and balls in my face….AKA a male review! I am so excited and cannot wait for Friday. Seriously I think it is unfair that men have strip clubs everywhere and women do not have the same. Now I know there is no where near a market since most women are not comfortable with their sexuality but come on ladies the tides are turning, women are opening up sexually! Let’s make a market! Hmmmm maybe that is what I will do in the future open up a chain of strip clubs for women! Let’s see what would be a good name?

Martini Balls’
Cock and Wine
Six pack Luv

Hmm need to brain storm more….

Monday, October 29, 2007

Halloween 2007

Halloween is still one of my favorite holidays of all time! The party went well and when I say well I mean “I can’t remember too much of the late evening but the stories people are telling me are funny.”

Friday was low key with just MAC girl hanging over at our condo with S and I. She was a jem and brought over my favorite beer Blue Moon. We watched an advanced showing of “Tell me you love me” which is my new favorite HBO series. Now that we have Cox cable we have “On demand” which for some reason puts episodes of them on early. Do not ask me why but the heavens above must know that letting me see this early is almost as amazing as an orgasm. It was so nice to sleep in with S. and get some morning knookie around 11am.

Saturday during the day was busy I went to get my ring checked out (have to do it for the lifetime guarantee) pick up gift certificates for the party, get my nails done and get last minute stuff for my costume. Then I got home and set up my wireless internet (finally) so I can use the laptop anywhere in the apartment. Sometimes I wish I could blog at home but they risks S finding out. Plus I hate when people erase histories on the computer it basically means you have something to hide.

So as the night progressed I got myself ready for the Halloween party. Can I just complain for a second as to why as women we go through so much shit to look hot? I took a shower, blew dry my hair, straightened it, put a padded water bra on, fishnets, a body cincher, then the infamous painful but hot stripper boots. My feet are still aching from the party. I get everything on and go to the party. I immediately start with a beer bong and continue with shots, beer pong, flip cup and numerous mixed drinks all night. I was sooooo drunk by midnight, but a fun drunk. No drama, no fights, no crying, just laughing and good times. I apparently couldn’t stand my boots any longer so took them off and walked back to the car with just my fishnets covering my feet. Actually S. called it from a mile away. He said “You are not going to make it all night in those boots!” Good thing I didn’t bet him any money.

Part of the night is a blur but S. took really good care of me and was more sober overall. We got a DD to bring us home and I passed out immediately. When I woke up early (fucking body why can’t you stay asleep) my head felt like I had been hit with a 2 x 4 over and over. I was apparently coordinated enough to wash my face (yeahh) so luckily I didn’t have my makeup smeared all over me. I looked over and S still had his makeup on. He was dressed as prince so he had a dark mustache and sideburns covered dark but his gorgeous red hair was visible since he took off the wig earlier. While we had sex that morning I had to do everything to not laugh. I just closed my eyes until I reached orgasm.

Later after a nap and a failed attempt to try to get rid of my pounding headache we went back to Truck driver apt and helped clean up. I did not part take in the finishing of the keg since I was still recovering. Sometimes I have no idea how these guys recover from the previous night so quickly. Maybe I am just getting old. So I am back at work and want to rip my eyes out or at least been smart enough to call out.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Sluts and drinking

This weekend is the best time of year for me. HALLOWEEN! I love to get dressed up and dress up slutty at that! Basically all of us girls should say what are costumes are
Slut 1
Slut 2
Slut 3
With little variation. Slut one kind of resembles a cat, slut 2 kind of represents a police officer, etc, etc. but overall they are basically the same outfit and I must admit it, I LOVE IT! What other time of year can I pretty much dress in nothing and not have people think I am an actual slut.

I will be curious as how this weekend goes since every year we throw a huge Halloween costume party with open bar, beer pong, a DJ and everything. Last year we had over 100 people and it was a blast. Well at one point I got so drunk that at the end of the night I started a fight with S…hmm need to remember to not be psychotic emotional train wreck when I drink. Sometimes booze just brings out the worse in me.

I am a total drunk crier. I cry about everything. Sometimes it’s about good stuff and sometimes its lame crying. I can remember when S and I got first got together I got so blasted that apparently I cried about how great he is and how happy I was. I am sure it was super attractive to have your new girlfriend with mascara and eye makeup smeared all over her face looking like a hooker that has been beaten up a bit. Sometimes I am surprise S hasn’t run for the hill, hehe JK.

The clincher is always Yeager and Jack. As soon as I start doing shots of hardcore liqueur I won’t stop and I continue to drink until I pass out, black out or cry. Hmmmm those are not wonderful endings to the night since even though there might be three possible endings I am always sure to wake up with a massive hangover. Plus as I am getting older (not too old) my body is not recovering as I used too.

I remember being able to go to school, sports practice, work and then party all night. I would go to raves or drink, etc and especially on the weekend. I was notorious (with my girls) to go to a rave on Friday, and Saturday with no sleep. Then in college I would drink 6 nights out of the week.

Mondays were margaritas, Tuesday was Karaoke, Wednesday was dollar pitcher night, Thursday was a local sports bar, and Friday and Saturday were spent in downtown. WTF! How was I able to do that let alone afford it? Sometimes I do question whether I am an alcoholic, but then I remember that wine is classy so there is no way I am one…..

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hypocrites and religion

Can I tell you how annoyed I get with people and their skewed view of religion! I had a discussion with a coworker (he is a doucebag to begin with but that is beside the point) about how Gay people are wrong, blah, blah, blah. His spouts out “That isn’t natural; God didn’t intend for that, the bible says is it a sin.” Well then I replied with a few points

1. Hmmm do you mind a woman on a woman? BIG fucking surprise that doesn’t bother him just men on men.
2. If the bible says it’s a sin and sinning is so wrong then why are you getting a divorce, cheating on your wife, having sex before marriage? Why are you not so against these things?
3. Wasn’t Jesus forgiving and not brim stone and fire with the people he hung out with back in the day? Technically he hung out with the lowest of the low and never shunned them or told them they were disgusting and going to hell.
4. What about back in the day when closed minded individuals considered a black and white person being together disgusting (my coworker is African American)? Was that a correct thought or just closed minded?

Do not get me wrong everyone has there opinions and a right to them, but how can you be a hypocrite and pick and choose parts of religion? Even though I am catholic I believe that the bible is mostly crap. (Hopefully I will not be struck down by a higher being) You are talking about men writing down what Jesus supposedly said. Uhh hello has anyone ever played telephone? The first scientific record of the New Testament was dated to be written 40 years after Jesus died (this was found through historical facts and carbon dating). So you are telling me things didn’t get skewed by time, and cultural influence. FUCK that….I am not a saint and not a fanatic catholic but I hate people who use religion to put others down.

I can only hope his only son turns out to be a great amazing flaming gay!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Upates

I am exhausted so there will be no long blog today but a few updates nonetheless.

I have decided that my group of friends and I can make a reality show about our lives. We wouldn't even need scripting since craziness is everywhere. Fights occuring, drunkeness, hookups, injuries, and anything else you can think of. You might be thinking, oh dramatic girls but most of the references from above are the guys in the group. Hehe guess the tides are changing and men are embracing their dramatic queen side.

Halloween is coming up so let the craziness ensue. I have three, count em three costumes to decied from although I now think I am attending two halloween parties so at least 2/3 of the costumes will be used.

I need to lock myself in on Sundays, somehow a baby shower (so inform you of the craziness behind that later) became a 7 hour drink fest. It was hard to turn it down because my girlfriend Drama Queen moved back from florida. Drama queen is always the life of the party and can drink like a sailor, but she is exactly what her name describes. So like a bad after school special I succumbed to the pressures of good food, long islands and ciggerettes...until midnight! I am always feel shitty on mondays. Need to stop drinking (yeah right who am I kidding)

Not looking forward to tuesday...sure I will get no sleep due to S going out, getting drunk and snoring all night. I will not kill my fiance, I will not kill my fiance.

I bought some new clothes this weekend which felt great. I always feel guilty hence I usually don't spend alot on myself. Well three outfits and four pairs of shoes later I feel really guilty.

I will write more detailed accounts of the weekend when I get my head out of my ass...FUCK it's only 11:30! DAMMIT!

Friday, October 19, 2007

My addiction

Hi my name is Quarter life crisis Girl and I have an addiction. I am addicted to Craigslist forums. I constantly look on different forums during the day that it is starting to affect my work and mood. I get mad at everyone when people do not post.

I am so serious that I love the forums on Craigslist…including LTR, women’s issues, wine, and fixit. I love sometimes going on forums that I have no business being there and checking out people and sometimes the crazy trolls. Divorce is a sad one to go into because you see the bitterness. Frugal is funny to see how ridiculous people can be to save. I am a girl at heart so women issues and LTR are definitely where I spend a lot of time. The rant and raves are pretty funny as well. People for the most part already know the answer but just want to hear it over and over again. He slept with my dog and cat should I stay with him? I impregnated other women should I tell my wife? WHAT the hell? Now do not get me wrong I am no better since I love to lurk on these forums but sometimes I am amazed that these people can even type let alone function in society. Sometimes there are truly heartfelt stories where I feel for them and offer some help and sometimes I just fall out of my chair laughing hysterically because the stories are that good.

I cannot access certain parts of CL from work for obvious reasons. The kink forum and personal ads are off limits, yet I can look up naughty blogs? Weird I know, but I gather the IT team looks at websites that are visited the most (aka Myspace, Meet up, etc) and ban them. Websites with any type of sexual content, booze, or fun is off limits. Alright I know we should be working like busy little bees all day long but come on lets get serious, nobody is getting paid enough to not surf a bit online at work. So I continue to feed my addiction with CL and of course all the crazy, great, honest, true to life or lives I wish I had blogs. So to all I say LOUD and PROUD I am addicted to CL and you my fellow bloggers. Now where are the donuts and bad coffee?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

New found openness with the rents.

This last Sunday I had my parents over for dinner which I totally realized that now that I am an “Adult” that they are fucking hilarious. Now I have always been close with my mom. Strangely close since I was about sixteen, now the reason I say strangely is because most teenager girls were at war with their mothers around this age and felt that their mother did not understand them. My mother on the other hand was somehow able to make me feel like she understood and at the same time she was still a disciplinarian. Now this should not be to surprising since she was a hippy who went to Woodstock (fucking crazy HUH) and she also got thrown out of her house when her parents found out she was sleeping with her long term first love (scandalous back then). So she understands that children make mistakes and that usually talking to them works better with the punishment at hand. Plus I always felt like she remembered how is was to be younger whereas most other parents forget.

So back to the topic at hand, after a wonderful dinner (S. of course whipped up a delicious chicken and Spanish rice dinner) and a couple of bottles of wine you can see my parents letting go more and more. They are dropping F bombs and generally being hilarious. Although the moment I knew it all changed and for the best was when my dad started talking about the human population and its lack of knowledge about politics.

He stood up and said “I always thought of the United States population in one big circle butt fuck. They are fucking each other and getting fucked!” as he demonstrates with a thrusting pelvis.

That is the moment I knew my parents saw me as a friend and not only a daughter. Hehe, the question is what more is going to come from this new found openness….orgies that relate to medicare?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Reveiws

It is that time of year in the wonderful world of corporate world….you may think thanksgiving, or Christmas? Oh No it is review time! The smell of fear and resentment is in all the halls reeking all around you. It is so funny to think that people really get upset over reviews. Now if it would directly affect your pay then maybe I would be concerned but in all honesty we get the same inflation raise every year about 2-3 %. If you get a real promotion which does not occur around the same time, then you will get a 10 % raise. Well with my pay it is not a huge difference so that is probably why I do not care.

When it comes to filling out your assessment I always get confused. I start to over analyze the psychology behind it (typical woman I know). Do they want me to come off confident and invincible? Do they want me to be humble? Both? Just offer my body? What? Then I realize I don’t care and I give the easiest answer.

On a side bar I am lucky to not have any real responsibilities a.k.a children…hence no one is depending on me to feed them or keep a roof over their head. So if my boss feels like firing me I would collect unemployment (I always wondered how that works but that is another story) and work as a stripper or bartend.

My boss Bull Dyke (I actually like my boss most of the times and I say that term in a good way) calls me in and basically tells me how wonderful I am, nobody has ever complained about me (uhhh hello I work with all men and I have a vagina, a heartbeat, and not hideous), fantastic attitude, and intelligent….but. You have to love that “but” right? It’s like they are prepping you for the worse. Why don’t you just say…life is wonderful but you will be dead soon, or everyone else in the world will be happy but not you. OK back to my story so I am wonderful but I need to pay attention to more detail. DETAIL? Well ok she is right…I just don’t care, and not because the details aren’t important (some are and some aren’t’) but I just don’t care about this job. I do not see the current workplace as a real career path. I of course cannot say this so I do what I always do, bend over and take it. Now do not get me wrong, if I felt she was wrong I would not agree or take it lying down but she was so I did. Why is it we are forced to take jobs that have nothing to do with anything we want to do just so we can do what we want eventually (whew say that fast)? Part of me is going to feel bad if I get the other job I interviewed for since they need all the help they can here..just not bad enough to not take the job and get a real fucking raise.

P.S. I will not kill my fiancé! I will not kill my fiancé.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Catch phrase is banned!

ON Friday you could tell how great of a mood I was in with my job right? Well the day got better when I find out 10 minutes before we leave that there are two, count them two major accidents on the freeway I go home on. I already have a 35 minute commute and it was reported that one of the accidents caused all 4 lanes to be closed off!

Ok. QCG get it together make a plan. I map quest alternate routes home and one with absolutely no highway. Granted there would be more stop lights but an hour home was better than nothing.

I was wrong….dead wrong! Apparently I am not the only egg head to find another path home. EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE STATE did too. A trip that should take an hour took almost three. Needless to say I did not do anything that night in fear of stabbing someone. P.S. thanks truck driver for ruining my Friday night!

So onto Saturday… S actually had the day off so we slept in which was great and then we ran articles all day. Best part of the errands was the shopping for women’s pants so S can dress up as Prince for Halloween. I am talking Purple rain prince, oh yeah! There is nothing better than having your man go into a fitting room in a chick store and finagle his body into tight black pants. He had gained a little more insight into the slight of women and dressing well is like and I gained a laugh.

After finishing painting closets we went to my married friends’ house for Oktoberfest which was so much fun. Sauerkraut, appetizers and fall beer was amazing mixed with great friends until….

We all decided to play catch phrase. Catch phrase is basically charades with words and a timer. We in are older age seem to be getting into playing games when we are drunk. The thing is this game seems to bring out the worse in anyone. Yelling, screaming, anger, throwing things and general craziness comes with this game. Yet we continually think (when we are blasted) it will be different this time.

We pick teams and then at one point of the game two brothers start to yell at each other. When all of a sudden out of nowhere my good friend Truck driver comes over and hit one of the brothers in the head and goes for the next. The whole room goes into frenzy and craziness ensues. Do not get me wrong we have all seen fights but at the same time we are all starting to hit our thirties, isn’t this shit for when you are 16? I have decided that Catch phrase is banned from our group of friends…or until I am drunk again!

Friday, October 12, 2007

I will not..

Kill my Boss, I will not Kill my Boss. FUCK HER, FUCK THIS COMPANY.....I so need to get that other job!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The kitchen counter

As I walk through the door I put down the millions of bags I had target shit in and go to put some groceries away when all of a sudden I feel strong head rubbing my back, caressing me up and down. Slowly the strong hands start to undo my work slacks and remove my shirt. I can feel the temperature rising and we did it like animals on our kitchen counter! Full fledge, like the first months we dated, and fucked 8 times a day, hot sex and it was fabulous.

It’s so weird sometimes because I talk to my girlfriends and they are not into the random sex anywhere. Granted we all have been with our men for a while if not married but I swear some of them don’t have a sex life at all. After 4 years S. and I have sex almost everyday, and I don’t want it any other way.

I am opposite of most women in that when I am stressed and pissed at life I love to have sex. When I cum I forget about everything and it makes me feel like nothing is that big of a deal. I also somehow use it as validation (this could be good or bad) that S. still thinks I am sexy. I tell him over and over the day you stop trying to fuck me on a daily basis is the day we are going to have problems.

My girlfriends comment “I can’t believe you like to just fuck like that, he just comes up and takes you.” My response “HELL YA, I want hit me over the head, cave man hot sex sometimes.” Don’t get me wrong S is so good with PDA, foreplay, cuddling, talking before, during and after sex and we do have love making sessions, but sometimes I want that uncontrollable “you have to have me” sex. I don’t understand how that can’t make any women feel sexy. There are two reasons (I think with the exception of people with children) either

A. You’re man is not making you orgasm. This could be his or your fault. His if he is just inept but most times women I know don’t know there own body (Masturbation is a girls best friend too), or too afraid to be vocal in sex.
B. Or you are gay

After our christening of the kitchen counter I was like “Oh going to have to clean of the counter after that. Not very sanitary, hehe!” He turned around and said “Ha-ha, QG you think I care about the counter I eat you out on a daily basis and you think being on the counter is a big deal? Hahaha! Way to get domestic on me.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Closeted blogger

I realized I am a closeted Blogger.

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(Remember when Tom Cruise was in the closet on south Park? Love that shit!"

I feel this "closetness" is necessary so that I can write and express everything and anything. I can be as crazy, hurtful, outspoken or retarded as I want. I found out how it might feel to be exposed as well. ONE WORD (ok well two)

FUCKING SCARY!

A good girlfriend of mine emailed me to catch up since we do not talk on a regular basis and she mentioned my blog. What was going on after she read my blog….MY WHAT! MY WHAT! How the fuck does anyone, I mean anyone know about my blog. My head starts to spin as beads of sweat fall down. What have I written over the last 100 posts, would she know about the people, me, etc? Oh my god, oh my god! I asked her calmly, as pit stains were starting to develop, where did you find it? Her response….Uhh on Myspace silly. Whoooo a stroke of relief flushes my body. She has not found out your secret, your craziness, and most importantly your blogging identity.

I didn’t think it would affect me that much to have someone know about my blog, but truly I have told no one, not even S. about it. I feel if I do I would have to censor or restrain myself. I need this place for the complete opposite of that. I don’t mind people I don’t know seeing this but people I do know might start to look at me differently if not feel hurt from this blog. Let’s face it nobody wants to know what people, even close loving people, think about you all the time. We all have our flaws and even though I love the close people in my life they annoy, hurt, anger me sometime or another as well as I do the same to them. I can hear my mom say “I love you QG but I just don’t like you right now” which is so true. Life is full of up and downs with the people you love (lets face it I probably wouldn’t care otherwise), but this place is my sanctuary and I do not want anyone I know to know about it.

Onto other news….the condo is looking fabulous (just felt like a hot gay man when I said that) and it is getting near perfection. Worked on the custom floating shelves S made me (he is so hot when he builds things) and it is going to look somethign like this but black.

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I took the long awaited bath and it was nice. The funny thing is I remember baths being a lot bigger. Guess my 5’10 frame doesn’t help me in that area anymore.

To date S. and I have christened the living room floor, couch, dining table, bed and shower. Next should be kitchen and hallway (JK or am I). For some reason I can’t help but want to walk around naked all the time…which turns S on and then he attacks me.

Note: to people having sex issues, just walk around naked doing everyday things, and confident…this will put vagina and sexual organs in man’s view which renders them helpless.

I need some ass pushing so I go to the gym; I have been horrible since moving in. I have become obsessed with the condo and working on it until it is finished so I do not have to worry about it later. This normally is no big deal except Halloween and my slutty outfit is coming up soon and I do not need to look like a lard ass.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Great weekend but...

I need a weekend for my weekend! I swear I somehow always stay up way to late on Sunday. Overall the weekend was great, and yesterday was amazing. I went to a vineyard with my girlfriend and had a wine tasting. After purchasing some bottles we ate delicious classy (cheese, pesto chicken wraps, Prosciutto wrapped cheese) food overlooking the vineyard. For some reason it is October but it was 80 something degrees yesterday. After the vineyard we went back and somehow I was double fisting it with wine and a bailey’s on the rock. Grrrrr I woke up with a horrible headache and now I am just exhausted at work. Only two more tedious hours.....too tired to type so I will write some more witty banter tomorrow.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Weddings and my persona

Well I start my other new job tonight….Bartender! Yes I am reverting back to collage and graduate school days to help carry the wedding load. Nice to see my advanced degree and experience is worth something right? So in the next few months my life is going to suck. I am going to most likely be working 5-7 days a week. Hence I will have very little life but a nice wedding? Is that a good trade off? Can I just rant for a second….the wedding industry is fucking crazy and inflated. They completely over charge for everything because they can. I so wanted to do Jamaica but my 91 year old grandmother made that impossible so I am stuck hosting a huge Irish catholic breeding wedding. I come from a family of 4 daughters and my dad is from a family of 11 children. Tack on spouses and the lack of birth control and you have somewhere around 60 immediate cousins. Hey don’t get me wrong, I am glad my family enjoys sex even in their old age (ewww) but come on.

Well onto other things, I am waiting to hear from that job. I asked two friends from work to write me recommendations and my coworker Safety guy (whom is recently dating my sister who I set her up with) sent me back a mock response and I just about pissed myself.

From: Safety Guy
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 1:51 PM
To: Quarterlife Crisis Girl
Subject: FW: reference check

Remember all those times you called me douche bag. Well now it’s time for payback. See below for my response (in red).

________________________________________
From: New Company HR lady
Sent: Thursday, October 04, 2007 1:29 PM
To: Safety Guy
Subject: reference check

Dear Safety Guy.

Quarterlife Crisis Girl has applied for a position at new Whiz Bangy Science Company and has listed you as one of her references. Would you be so kind as to complete the following reference questionnaire and e-mail your reply? Thank you,

Applicant’s name QuarterlifeCrisis Girl

Reference Name Safety Guy
Safety & Environmental Department



How long have you know the applicant? About a year and a half.


In what capacity did you interact with her? I’ve never actually worked on a project with her, but I’ve gone out drinking with her on a number of occasions.


Please describe the applicant's job responsibilities. Not sure. All I know is she spends way too much time bullshitting with other employees. Plus when she doesn’t call in sick she is usually hung-over. On the rare occasion that she isn’t hung-over, she is screwing off on the internet or sending out raunchy emails.


Could you provide a specific example where the applicant took a process from start to finish and was the real driving force behind its completion? She’s really good at opening a beer and finishing it. Does that count?


What was the applicant’s greatest strength? She doesn’t forget anything, especially when you piss her off.


What is an area the applicant can continue to work to develop? She sucks at beer pong.


Would you hire the applicant? Actually when you flat out ask the questions, I would probably say no. But I would definitely recommend partying with her.


Nice to know I still have the title of “BEST PARTY ANIMAL EVER”

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Cited from: http://www.robertburridge.com/newsletter/artsyfartsy_may07/index.html




Thursday, October 4, 2007

I am officialy insane

FUCK me, fuck life, fuck everything…well not everything. I seriously don’t know what my problem is. Well that is a lie I do know what my problem is. I love S. but I am totally insecure and because of past issues with him have become a total jealous girlfriend who is suspicious of everything. When S. and I first started dating 4 years ago it was never like that, EVER. He would say over and over how great it was to be with a girl who wasn’t the jealous type. See I always have had guy friends and didn’t sleep with them so I assumed that guys could handle the same, well low and behold early in the relationship after a drunken night when I wasn’t around S. did not show me the same restraint. Hence a breakup, and him crawling after me for a while. I was devastated and didn’t know how to react. Up to this point I had never been or at least never found out about someone cheating on me. Now I know why would you take him back why? Well I do love him (ewwww) but also I have had sex with no emotion, know sometimes it doesn’t mean anything and people make mistakes. All of these are true but let’s face it when it comes to S. I am just fucking pathetic. I have accepted this, well sorta.

After getting back together, couples counseling and a lot of ups and downs we are still together but I still can’t get over the issues from the past. Unless he is giving me all his attention I start to get suspicious I do those horrible snooping and what not. I find myself trying to calm my insecurities but then I will get drunk and they all come out. Example I have S. passwords to most of his accounts and yesterday one was changed….hmmm instead of thinking something normal like the computer asked for a change or whatever I immediately think the worse. He is cheating on me…I have no proof, no indication, he hangs out with me, moved in with me, bought me a ring, etc. etc. etc. but I can’t help the horrible thoughts running through my head. It makes me do things like check the history on the computer and things of that nature. Part of me is just looking for things to go wrong. When we got back together I told him “Be prepared for someone who will always be suspicious, I did forgive but women never forget.” Then I ask why do I do this, why do I stay, why can’t I let go. Why is it so hard to move on and let this go…I just want to be normal again. I want to be secure that even if he is attracted to others (which we all are) he will not act on it. I think we have been through a lot which is good and shows we are both in for the long haul, but I can’t help and think….S. is great now but what about 10 years down the road. He is going to get complacent and seven year itch will set in and some tramp half my age will hit on him while I am at home watching the three kids, which in turn will cause me to stab him and spend twenty years in prison. (God I sound crazy huh!)

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Sometimes begin friends with men (don’t get me wrong I love my girls too) just helps you feel more depressed about how men are. Since these guy friends are open and honest in front of me you hear the true thinking’s of men and honestly women it is as crude, macho, and perverted as you think. Most men think this way some just know not to say it out loud while others don’t. I have numerous guy friends who to the outside world are exactly what a woman wants, I mean “chick flick” guy in shining armor. Yet their thought process is still the same as the dickhead player. Now they act on their impulses less if at all but still they think the same. This started to get me super depressed when I lived with the 4 guys for about 3-4 months. Sometimes you think, what’s the point! I will get old and they will want younger and hotter. Other days I have faith and think men can rise above that crap. I guess I am just having a bad day, and my insecurities are really coming out.

Thank god for this blog because here I can spew all my craziness out and not actually launch it on any poor person in my life. It helps to just vent and place all the crazy ramblings in my head out there so that it isn’t just stuck up there. If you keep it stuck in your brain it will drive you insane. So I guess it is better to sound insane on my anonymous blog than BE insane in real life right?

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Amazing day yesterday...

Whooo hooo I had the day off yesterday (uhh I was sick, yeahh right) and that interview for a new job. Can I tell you I ROCKED the interview. I will be surprised if I don't get the job because I was the perfect candidate not only in my education background but my current job experience, plus sleeping with the president never hurts, hehehe JK. Hopefully getting this job will mean more responsibility and about a 10 to 12 thousand dollar raise which we desperately need since we own a condo and we have to save like 18 thousand dollars in 8-9 months (can we say other job opportunities like stripping and prostitution sound good right now). I have also signed on for bartending/waitressing catering jobs to help make more money. Hey I figure who needs a social life right, hehe! I keep saying it over and over, ONLY one year of misery, only one year!

So I get home from the three hour interview which I rocked and stopped by S. work to share the good news and he was able to get out of work early. So I go home to our condo (can I tell you how great it feels to say that) and the front door was bolt locked. S. opens the door in his t-shirt and that is it! Hahaha I interrupted his Jerk off session, hehe! Which turned out to be great because I wanted to jump his bones right there? We christened the dining room table and it was fabulous! We were both on cloud nine when we started discussing the floating shelves he was going to make this weekend for the condo. It was so adorable how excited he was about making them. Sometimes S. totally amazes me and reminds me why I am in love with him and want to spend the rest of my life with him (yes I am corny).

Well back to work and hopefully a call for a new job and a raise will come in the next couple of weeks....

Monday, October 1, 2007

I officially own a condo and it is adorable. After my lawyer/Uncle started yelling at my realtor at the closing everything was smooth sailing, hehe! We bought a flat screen 46 inch Aquos TV which S. wanted to make love to and moved everything in on Saturday. Can I tell you how much I love being a women on the those days. Its universally known for any man who is moving to get another man to help. I will help you open the doors and unpack but I am not about moving huge couches, tables and beds. Thank god for ovaries and men's outdated view that we are too weak to handle it. It works in my advantage and I am fine with that.

Basically all weekend we just spent unpacking and decorating. S. was amazing and is great with tools. He didn't complain once and the place is looking more and more like home. We have very different changes. I want to repaint the cabinets and refinish our bedroom set but besides that everything else is new. With that said having a whole new bathroom is the most amazing thing not only because of the obvious advantages but I CAN TAKE A BATH! I have not taken a fucking bath in over 4 years. I am not a crazy anal retentive clean person but there was no way I was laying in the bath where 4 guys clean their dirty feet and jerk off on a weekly basis. So today on my lunch break I am going to buy a really nice bubble bath to just soak. Ahhhh that might be as orgasmic as well.....a orgasm.

It feels so fabulous to own our own place for some reason it makes me feel more adult! I know I know that sounds retarded but at the same time it is true. Well back to pretending to be an adult.

P.S. Say a prayer I have an interview tomorrow...which means I am calling out of work to take the interview.