Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I gave my notice!
I did it! I let them know that I was leaving…it went well but my poor direct boss looked devastated and rightfully so. Not because the company will not survive without me but rather a shit load of work is going to be coming her way. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am sure they will give me a lot more weight with work and it is going to be a long two weeks but hopefully it will go by fast. Update will follow soon.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
My Disorder
I want to tell everyone of my disorder. I have been ingrained and raised with this horrible thing called….
Catholic Guilt
Let me give you a little bit of background as to how this disorder was acquired. I was born to two catholic loving parents who dragged all four of us to church every weekend. I was also placed in catholic private middle school and high school (all girls if you can believe). Over the years my parents were not brim stone and fire but masters of guilt. Guilt of letting people down, always doing everything I can and going above and beyond. This is a good quality in that I always over achieved in life, love and friends but this disorder has made me ridiculously guilty of things most people would not be. Do not get the wrong impression I am no saint and I do not pray with a group or wear a habit, Hell I don’t even go to church right now but this guilt is always there no matter what.
Catholic guilt is different than regular guilt because it is not just an action and reaction guilt it is a constant underlying feeling. I can even say it is not a guilt that I will burn in hell but just a guilt that I am not doing enough or I am hurting someone.
Most of my friends and family love this because it makes me go above and beyond. Example of things I did in the last two weeks that exude this disorder…
1. Valentines day: I have been working two jobs, interviewing for a new one, planning a wedding, and trying to keep up with normal errands of life but seeing my fiancé doing laundry (which is normally my job when my life is not so hectic) made me feel so bad that I got him a iPOD.
2. I am so afraid to tell my bosses that I am quitting. I feel horrible leaving them in a lurch even though I know business is business.
3. My friend lost a job but was the one who basically helped me get my new one so I have redone his resume, wrote him a fucking great cover letter and have helped him by faxing it out searching for jobs, etc. (P.S. he is doing a lot as well with interviews, etc)
4. I call my mom like 5 times a week and still try to impress her and help her every chance I get.
5. My girlfriend who has the eating disorder I always feel like I am not doing enough so this week or next I have to try to convince her parents to go to a support group with me just so that they can wake the fuck up and help her instead of living in denial.
6. Whenever I call out I feel awful.
If you look at these things in reality they just make me look like a caring person who goes out of my way to help, which is partly true but to me it is all due to this damn guilt. Most people can balance it but for some reason I can’t and do I want to? My guilt has always made me go above and beyond with my life, especially professional. The need to show my parents and impress them (don’t ask me where it came from they tell me over and over how great I am) had elevated me to higher education and a great job.
Better yet I have to learn from my parents how to instill this into my children do I don’t end up with a crazy crackwhore or loser son.
Catholic Guilt
Let me give you a little bit of background as to how this disorder was acquired. I was born to two catholic loving parents who dragged all four of us to church every weekend. I was also placed in catholic private middle school and high school (all girls if you can believe). Over the years my parents were not brim stone and fire but masters of guilt. Guilt of letting people down, always doing everything I can and going above and beyond. This is a good quality in that I always over achieved in life, love and friends but this disorder has made me ridiculously guilty of things most people would not be. Do not get the wrong impression I am no saint and I do not pray with a group or wear a habit, Hell I don’t even go to church right now but this guilt is always there no matter what.
Catholic guilt is different than regular guilt because it is not just an action and reaction guilt it is a constant underlying feeling. I can even say it is not a guilt that I will burn in hell but just a guilt that I am not doing enough or I am hurting someone.
Most of my friends and family love this because it makes me go above and beyond. Example of things I did in the last two weeks that exude this disorder…
1. Valentines day: I have been working two jobs, interviewing for a new one, planning a wedding, and trying to keep up with normal errands of life but seeing my fiancé doing laundry (which is normally my job when my life is not so hectic) made me feel so bad that I got him a iPOD.
2. I am so afraid to tell my bosses that I am quitting. I feel horrible leaving them in a lurch even though I know business is business.
3. My friend lost a job but was the one who basically helped me get my new one so I have redone his resume, wrote him a fucking great cover letter and have helped him by faxing it out searching for jobs, etc. (P.S. he is doing a lot as well with interviews, etc)
4. I call my mom like 5 times a week and still try to impress her and help her every chance I get.
5. My girlfriend who has the eating disorder I always feel like I am not doing enough so this week or next I have to try to convince her parents to go to a support group with me just so that they can wake the fuck up and help her instead of living in denial.
6. Whenever I call out I feel awful.
If you look at these things in reality they just make me look like a caring person who goes out of my way to help, which is partly true but to me it is all due to this damn guilt. Most people can balance it but for some reason I can’t and do I want to? My guilt has always made me go above and beyond with my life, especially professional. The need to show my parents and impress them (don’t ask me where it came from they tell me over and over how great I am) had elevated me to higher education and a great job.
Better yet I have to learn from my parents how to instill this into my children do I don’t end up with a crazy crackwhore or loser son.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Things that make me smile.
When life is so crazy (good but crazy) you have to look at the little things to cheer you up. Mine are as follows.
1. Winning free tickets to a male review this weekend. Nothing better than naked men in your face.
2. Getting your new job package via UPS at exactly the moment I get in from work.
3. Having a clean desk (just spent about 2 hours cleaning it)
4. Having amazing animal sex last night
5. 8 hours of sleep last night
6. Fiance doing two loads of laundry last night while I worked on invites
7. Thinking about honeymoon to Los Cabos
These things make me smile and remind me how great life is!
1. Winning free tickets to a male review this weekend. Nothing better than naked men in your face.
2. Getting your new job package via UPS at exactly the moment I get in from work.
3. Having a clean desk (just spent about 2 hours cleaning it)
4. Having amazing animal sex last night
5. 8 hours of sleep last night
6. Fiance doing two loads of laundry last night while I worked on invites
7. Thinking about honeymoon to Los Cabos
These things make me smile and remind me how great life is!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Mini Breakdown
Have you ever felt so pulled at every direction in your life at once that you thought you were going to explode? That is how I feel right now. Let me list off what I am doing right now.
1. Full time Engineer job- this place is crazy and getting worse everyday! I am so glad I am getting out of here
2. Teaching job- How am I back to studying? This is a lot more than I had anticipated and basically adding a second job makes me have almost 70 hr work weeks.
3. Planning a wedding – which actually is more stressful paying for it.
4. Trying to get a new job- had to study a lot for this too, who new getting a new job would be so fucking stressful. This is a little better since I got the offer now I have to take the drug test and wait for the background check.
5. Dealing with a best friend who after 10 years is getting help with her bulimia. This is emotionally draining since her family is not being as supportive as they should be.
6. Being the made of honor for my best girlfriends wedding…just stuffed over a hundred shower invites.
7. Grandmother dying…enough said.
8. Add on trying to pay bills, keep condo clean and get some sleep.
Sometimes I am fine but last night my girlfriend who is going through this tough time needed me but then got defensive (as any recovering addicted person deals with) and I just broke down after I left. Not so much just because of her but because of everything. I am so thankful for my whole life and would never change anything sometimes I just wish there was more time….especially for sleep. I can feel the exercise and sleep deprivation making it harder and harder to remember shit.
Then I think how the fuck do people do all of this and then have kids? WTF? How do they do it? I give so much props to my mother who did all of it with her own graphic design company, but tack on 4 kids too. I need to go bring her a huge bottle or red tonight and thank her profusely.
1. Full time Engineer job- this place is crazy and getting worse everyday! I am so glad I am getting out of here
2. Teaching job- How am I back to studying? This is a lot more than I had anticipated and basically adding a second job makes me have almost 70 hr work weeks.
3. Planning a wedding – which actually is more stressful paying for it.
4. Trying to get a new job- had to study a lot for this too, who new getting a new job would be so fucking stressful. This is a little better since I got the offer now I have to take the drug test and wait for the background check.
5. Dealing with a best friend who after 10 years is getting help with her bulimia. This is emotionally draining since her family is not being as supportive as they should be.
6. Being the made of honor for my best girlfriends wedding…just stuffed over a hundred shower invites.
7. Grandmother dying…enough said.
8. Add on trying to pay bills, keep condo clean and get some sleep.
Sometimes I am fine but last night my girlfriend who is going through this tough time needed me but then got defensive (as any recovering addicted person deals with) and I just broke down after I left. Not so much just because of her but because of everything. I am so thankful for my whole life and would never change anything sometimes I just wish there was more time….especially for sleep. I can feel the exercise and sleep deprivation making it harder and harder to remember shit.
Then I think how the fuck do people do all of this and then have kids? WTF? How do they do it? I give so much props to my mother who did all of it with her own graphic design company, but tack on 4 kids too. I need to go bring her a huge bottle or red tonight and thank her profusely.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I GOT THE JOB!
I just got an offer and although I am pretending to think about it, I know I am taking it! I am so fucking excited. I get a 2008 chevy impala, corporate credit card, gas card, new computer, fax, crackberry, and lots of other bonuses. I am so fucking excited. Of course at work I have to pretend everything is fine and normal but I am sure tomorrow will be great when I drop the bomb that I am quitting. I will update more later today but it is almost lunch and I am starving.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I WANT THIS JOB!
I totally fucking rocked my interview on Monday….which saved me from going down on two guys, hehehe. JK. No I was sooooo nervous the night before that I kept having nightmares all night and waking up. The following were nightmares of the night.
1. I overslept for the interview
2. I lost my voice in the interview after a very important question
3. Peed my pants in the interview
Needless to say I did not get much sleep but my adrenaline was running so high. The interview was only supposed to last about an hour and I had them in there for two, laughing no less. I felt so confident but reminded myself that I have felt that before only to be shot down. Well later that day they gave me a call and asked me for a second interview. Only thing that sucks is that it is tomorrow so I am going to have to call out of work. Hmmm need to think of a good excuse…. Diaherria is always a good one. Can’t prove or disprove what was coming out of my ass by any symptoms right?
So after giving my first test to my students….it is such a trip all of them calling me Ms. Quarterlifecrisisgirl, I am going to study like hell and pray for the best. I want this fucking job so bad! I was pumped up by one of the guys when he was describing the perks…let’s see.
New Company car (one of the following, I want the 300!)
Gas credit card (never have to pay for gas again) WHOOOO HOO!
AMEX corporate card to entertain physicians, etc (limit is $3000 dollars a month!)
Great base pay (same as now) but every quarter I can bonus up to $20,000! Can you fucking believe this?
Every single guy I have met in this company has a wife that stays at home with their kids and houses in high end towns in my state. I am so going to have S. stay home, cook, clean and be a stay at home dad! HAAHA! Everyone say a prayer I don’t bomb this interview tomorrow and I don’t piss my pants.
1. I overslept for the interview
2. I lost my voice in the interview after a very important question
3. Peed my pants in the interview
Needless to say I did not get much sleep but my adrenaline was running so high. The interview was only supposed to last about an hour and I had them in there for two, laughing no less. I felt so confident but reminded myself that I have felt that before only to be shot down. Well later that day they gave me a call and asked me for a second interview. Only thing that sucks is that it is tomorrow so I am going to have to call out of work. Hmmm need to think of a good excuse…. Diaherria is always a good one. Can’t prove or disprove what was coming out of my ass by any symptoms right?
So after giving my first test to my students….it is such a trip all of them calling me Ms. Quarterlifecrisisgirl, I am going to study like hell and pray for the best. I want this fucking job so bad! I was pumped up by one of the guys when he was describing the perks…let’s see.
New Company car (one of the following, I want the 300!)
Gas credit card (never have to pay for gas again) WHOOOO HOO!
AMEX corporate card to entertain physicians, etc (limit is $3000 dollars a month!)
Great base pay (same as now) but every quarter I can bonus up to $20,000! Can you fucking believe this?
Every single guy I have met in this company has a wife that stays at home with their kids and houses in high end towns in my state. I am so going to have S. stay home, cook, clean and be a stay at home dad! HAAHA! Everyone say a prayer I don’t bomb this interview tomorrow and I don’t piss my pants.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Life. What life?
Whew life has been going in full speed for me lately…and believe me the bags under my eyes show it all. Over the last two weeks I have not had more than two minutes of free time and that is taken up by showers and going to the bathroom.
Let’s see a over view of why my life is so ridiculous from a typical week of mine.
Monday: Wake up at 5:45am to go to the gym (which the doctor allows me to only swim or cycle) and then off to work for 8am. I have been working a lot harder these days, not by choice but ever since two colleagues of mine quit (smart assholes) I am next in line for big projects. I have had to actually work as opposed to writing in my blog and searching the internet. From work I drive to my class for 5:20pm. Then I teach and give a lab. I don’t get out of the lab room until 9:50pm and the commute is 45 mins home so I prance in the door about 10:45 pm. This is when I make dinner and try to catch up with my fiancé. Proceed to sex and then sleep at midnight.
Tuesday: Wake up at 6:45 am and get to work for 8pm. Then I go to the gym after work, but then I work on grading and the next lecture for class. I didn’t get to bed until 1:30 am (probably shouldn’t of had sex at 1am either but what the hell!). I couldn’t even watch Nip/Tuck with my girls which pisses me off because there is nothing than a big bottle of red, Christian troy and bitching about life with my fabulous ladies.
Wednesday: Wake up at 6:45am go to work. Horrible weather always makes me want to kill myself on my daily commute. People drive like maniacs and then wonder how they spun out of control and get into an accident. Everyone else is subjected to slow commute and then there are the assholes who don’t follow the blatant signs that state “Left lane closed two miles up due to accident” NO instead of merging those fucking assholes keep driving forward until they get to the accident, force themselves into the lanes where other intelligent people already merged with no fucking problem. I make every effort to be that bitch and not let any of them in. Seriously traffic wouldn’t be as bad if you just merged two mile back! End of that rant….hehe.
Thursday: Woke up a little late for work, but it wasn’t too crazy yesterday and I actually did nothing but exciting laundry, went to the gym (which was curiously busy for a Thursday night at 8pm), did a little grocery shopping, and then made some dinner, while cleaning the bathroom, and taking a shower. I watched a little TV (I have a love hate relationship with “Lost” the show) and passed out at 11:30pm.
Friday: I wake up to a slight snow storm (always fun since I never watch the news and always get surprised) and now I am trying to catch up with my blogging. Then after work I am going for one drink at happy hour, picking up the fiancé to attend a opera with Mamma dukes, and then going to bed sober (hopefully).
For the weekend I have to make two lectures, get my hair done (haven’t done anything to my hair in 9 months and it shows) grade some quizzes, keep working on the loads of laundry we have, study for my interview on Monday (took the day off but somehow I agreed to do it at 8:30 am even though it is 40 minutes away, WTF is wrong with me) and then go to a dinner party. Don’t get me wrong my life is fabulous but I haven’t even been able to drink at all. I seriously just realized I haven’t had a glass of wine in like 10 days! Ok, Fuck everything else for the weekend….my new goal is to buy 6 magnum bottles of wine and down them all in a 24 hour period and catch up on all my favortie blogs. The rest of life can kiss my ass because my liver and blog addiction takes precedent.
All my blogger buddies please say a prayer I kick ass in my interview…I really don’t want to have to give Blow jobs to get a job! Hehehe.
Let’s see a over view of why my life is so ridiculous from a typical week of mine.
Monday: Wake up at 5:45am to go to the gym (which the doctor allows me to only swim or cycle) and then off to work for 8am. I have been working a lot harder these days, not by choice but ever since two colleagues of mine quit (smart assholes) I am next in line for big projects. I have had to actually work as opposed to writing in my blog and searching the internet. From work I drive to my class for 5:20pm. Then I teach and give a lab. I don’t get out of the lab room until 9:50pm and the commute is 45 mins home so I prance in the door about 10:45 pm. This is when I make dinner and try to catch up with my fiancé. Proceed to sex and then sleep at midnight.
Tuesday: Wake up at 6:45 am and get to work for 8pm. Then I go to the gym after work, but then I work on grading and the next lecture for class. I didn’t get to bed until 1:30 am (probably shouldn’t of had sex at 1am either but what the hell!). I couldn’t even watch Nip/Tuck with my girls which pisses me off because there is nothing than a big bottle of red, Christian troy and bitching about life with my fabulous ladies.
Wednesday: Wake up at 6:45am go to work. Horrible weather always makes me want to kill myself on my daily commute. People drive like maniacs and then wonder how they spun out of control and get into an accident. Everyone else is subjected to slow commute and then there are the assholes who don’t follow the blatant signs that state “Left lane closed two miles up due to accident” NO instead of merging those fucking assholes keep driving forward until they get to the accident, force themselves into the lanes where other intelligent people already merged with no fucking problem. I make every effort to be that bitch and not let any of them in. Seriously traffic wouldn’t be as bad if you just merged two mile back! End of that rant….hehe.
Thursday: Woke up a little late for work, but it wasn’t too crazy yesterday and I actually did nothing but exciting laundry, went to the gym (which was curiously busy for a Thursday night at 8pm), did a little grocery shopping, and then made some dinner, while cleaning the bathroom, and taking a shower. I watched a little TV (I have a love hate relationship with “Lost” the show) and passed out at 11:30pm.
Friday: I wake up to a slight snow storm (always fun since I never watch the news and always get surprised) and now I am trying to catch up with my blogging. Then after work I am going for one drink at happy hour, picking up the fiancé to attend a opera with Mamma dukes, and then going to bed sober (hopefully).
For the weekend I have to make two lectures, get my hair done (haven’t done anything to my hair in 9 months and it shows) grade some quizzes, keep working on the loads of laundry we have, study for my interview on Monday (took the day off but somehow I agreed to do it at 8:30 am even though it is 40 minutes away, WTF is wrong with me) and then go to a dinner party. Don’t get me wrong my life is fabulous but I haven’t even been able to drink at all. I seriously just realized I haven’t had a glass of wine in like 10 days! Ok, Fuck everything else for the weekend….my new goal is to buy 6 magnum bottles of wine and down them all in a 24 hour period and catch up on all my favortie blogs. The rest of life can kiss my ass because my liver and blog addiction takes precedent.
All my blogger buddies please say a prayer I kick ass in my interview…I really don’t want to have to give Blow jobs to get a job! Hehehe.
Monday, February 4, 2008
SO FUCKING BUSY!
Holy shit my life is so crazy right now...between work being hectic, teaching a class (already got in trouble with my boss, YEAH), wedding preperations, trying to get some excercise, phone interveiws, job interveiws, birthdays, superbowl and trying to have a relationship with my fiance I feel like I am drowning! There are not enough hours in the day!
Will report more I promise!
Will report more I promise!
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