I want to tell everyone of my disorder. I have been ingrained and raised with this horrible thing called….
Catholic Guilt
Let me give you a little bit of background as to how this disorder was acquired. I was born to two catholic loving parents who dragged all four of us to church every weekend. I was also placed in catholic private middle school and high school (all girls if you can believe). Over the years my parents were not brim stone and fire but masters of guilt. Guilt of letting people down, always doing everything I can and going above and beyond. This is a good quality in that I always over achieved in life, love and friends but this disorder has made me ridiculously guilty of things most people would not be. Do not get the wrong impression I am no saint and I do not pray with a group or wear a habit, Hell I don’t even go to church right now but this guilt is always there no matter what.
Catholic guilt is different than regular guilt because it is not just an action and reaction guilt it is a constant underlying feeling. I can even say it is not a guilt that I will burn in hell but just a guilt that I am not doing enough or I am hurting someone.
Most of my friends and family love this because it makes me go above and beyond. Example of things I did in the last two weeks that exude this disorder…
1. Valentines day: I have been working two jobs, interviewing for a new one, planning a wedding, and trying to keep up with normal errands of life but seeing my fiancé doing laundry (which is normally my job when my life is not so hectic) made me feel so bad that I got him a iPOD.
2. I am so afraid to tell my bosses that I am quitting. I feel horrible leaving them in a lurch even though I know business is business.
3. My friend lost a job but was the one who basically helped me get my new one so I have redone his resume, wrote him a fucking great cover letter and have helped him by faxing it out searching for jobs, etc. (P.S. he is doing a lot as well with interviews, etc)
4. I call my mom like 5 times a week and still try to impress her and help her every chance I get.
5. My girlfriend who has the eating disorder I always feel like I am not doing enough so this week or next I have to try to convince her parents to go to a support group with me just so that they can wake the fuck up and help her instead of living in denial.
6. Whenever I call out I feel awful.
If you look at these things in reality they just make me look like a caring person who goes out of my way to help, which is partly true but to me it is all due to this damn guilt. Most people can balance it but for some reason I can’t and do I want to? My guilt has always made me go above and beyond with my life, especially professional. The need to show my parents and impress them (don’t ask me where it came from they tell me over and over how great I am) had elevated me to higher education and a great job.
Better yet I have to learn from my parents how to instill this into my children do I don’t end up with a crazy crackwhore or loser son.
5 comments:
Only middle school and high school were parochial? Wimp. I did 12 years, the last four in an all-boys school. I had friends who signed back up for a Catholic university afterward (they're sick fucking people).
Catholic guilt can be one of the most powerful forces on the planet. Unlike Jewish guilt, which is thrust on another person, Catholic guilt has the person project it inward and play the martyr. As I often tell my mother, "Get off the cross, Ma. We need the wood."
Haha, how could I not guess you are plighted the same. I knew there was something familiar in your blogs, hehhee!
I had 9 years of Catholic school until I convinced my mom to let me go to Public High School. Do you know what I think Catholic Guilt feels like? Bad Chinese food in your stomach. I was never disciplined as a child because the guilt was enough!
I have protestant guilt...which i hear is very similar...except we dont feel bad until like a month later..
two words:
asian. guilt.
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