Alergies, Business trip, and being good.

So I am off again to a business trip where we get pumped and learn new things...I actually need this since I feel like I am in a slump with my job. Do not get me wrong I love it but sometimes you start to feel like you are living in groundhog day. I will say one thing I love my coworkers and we always have a blast.

There is this once douchebag boss (not mine but my coworkers) who irritates the fuck out of me, it is like pulling teeth to pretend I actually like this guy. I get the feeling he feels the same but we have to play nice. He is a corporate, compliance nazi who gives people in our field basically a bad name, plus he is a mean, micromanaging boss! Errrr thank god he is not my boss and I really only deal with him a few times a year...

As for my head and eyes I want to rip them out, I can't stop sneezing and my eyes look like I smoked a hge blunt without the euphoric effect! I basically am allergic to certain types of white wines and I instead of steering clear of it I down a magnum at a birthday party last night. Hence the red faced, snot nosed reaction....even better my roomie and coworker has a stomach bug from her kids! Please pray that I do not get sick either....

Well back to rbbing my nose raw and some sleep.

My masterbation dilemma

SO I am here at 1:30 am alone after masturbating to some Scottish porn. OK not trying to get to crazy but I am sort of pissed off and a little upset. I don't know what is wrong with me and sometimes S. See the major problem I know is me and sometimes I feel like a guy who is in a girls body.

Don't take that the wrong way I don't want to be a man, but I think my view of sex is sometimes distorted or at least I feel that way due to the numerous women I know in my life and how they view it.

I have tons of friend who are married, living with their man, or been in long term relationships and all of them are ok with sex every once in a while and when I say once in a while I mean probably could go for months.

I on the other hand want it all the time...I would say I want it everyday or close to it. Here is when I think I am like a man. I feel like I am the one always initiatating sex. Since we have moved in together since October S and I have sex but not as much. I feel like a guy who was duped. Don't get me wrong he doesn't turn me down and I know we have been together for five years but come on....why can't you act like I am a sex goddess and you want to fuck me like you did the first couple of years.

I feel like sex is a barometer but also (which this is the fucked up part) I validate myself and this relationship by how much he wants to have sex, make love, or fuck me. (See I apparently have a invisible dick).

SO tonight I come home after having a nice dinner with my dinner and S and I watch some TV and he gets up and says I am going to bed. I finish my cigarette and go to walk into the bedroom and he is all in bed not in bed like I want to fuck you but I am in bed and want to sleep. I walk in and say:

"Hey don't go to bed"

He replies: What's wrong..

Me: Is everything ok, do we not fuck as much because we live together?

S.: Of course not we have sex like 4-5 times a week

Me: Uhhh we only had sex like twice this week?

S.: No Honey I still think you are sexy?

Me: I know I just feel like I am always inititating, I want you to want me too.

S. I do want you, what is the problem...

Me: I'm sorry I just feel like sex is a barometer

S.: It is and I think we are great

Me: OH ok hun

Me thinking: FUCK me right now, I am naked next to you telling you I want to have more sex

Him and what he does: rolls over and goes to bed after giving me a kiss

Back to now: OK I understand sex shouldn't be everything but COME ON! Don't most men complain about their wives not wanting to have sex! I know he watched porn and I know, I know..... we do have sex more than most people I guess.

Maybe I am just insecure....maybe scared. Is it too much to ask for him to want to fuck me like he did when we first met? Probably....so what do I do?

Go outside in the living room while he is sleeping and look up some Scottish porn and masturbate. Yes you heard right masturbate when I have an able body man in the next room.

I pause to sip my glass and think how crazy is this! We aren't even married and have kids? Isn't that when it is supposed to ch age, fall beside the waist line...since your kids are number one and sleep sounds more sexual than sex? Jeeeeez I love S so much and when we do have sex it is fabulous. Truth be told he is the best lay I have ever had, but sometimes I want him to want me more. God I do sound like a needy girl so I guess that changes my perception on feeling like a man.

Plus I am leaving in three days for like four weeks for training. Gotta love that then when I get back three weeks later is our wedding. I have no fear in marrying him I just wish I didn't want sex so much. Wish I was like my girlfriends and just didn't care. Wish I could go without...wish I didn't have to use porn when a hot sexy man is in the other room. DAMN I am going to go back to my wine, have a cigarette and then crawl into bed with a hot sexy man who didn't want to fuck me tonight.

The question is....am I just being insecure or crazy?