Friday, March 30, 2007

Bro's before Hoes? Part one

Grrrr yesterday was a bit rough.
I went out with my good friend Cell guy who has always been there and I pretty much know he is really into me if not in love with me, but its weird because since I have known him either I have been involved (with S.) or he has as well. Besides that Cell guy has always been a great friend and so much fun. Sorry I am off on a tangent again, but on Wednesday night we went out to his friend Harpie (will explain later) who I like a lot but found some qualities a little disconcerting.
We went to her apartment drank some wine (my one true weakness) and began discussing our relationship troubles. My bitter diatribe recounted the situation with S. while Cell guy battled with the sex issues with his recent ex and lastly Harpie had a ten year relationship with a emotional abusive manipulative good looking liar. This is the moment I began to dub Harpie her name. This woman is gorgeous, nice, smart, but very bitter and obviously has a thing for Cell guy and in turn Cell guy was very attentive to her as well. They work together and get along very well. So I was a little bit of the third wheel but I was ok. I was a little weirded out to see that Cell guy acted like he liked her like he did with me when we hung out. Hmmm ok so that is why Cell guy has pretty girls as friends.
Honestly it was weird but I didn’t care that much and even said to Cell guy “You should go for it, she seems to be into you.” He was a little taken aback mentioning well what about wanting you, etc. I told him “I love you to death but I am not anywhere near that what’s so ever.” Not that Cell guy is in total “friend” zone (he is attractive) but we are good friends and unless we were in love or I just couldn’t control my attraction for him, I won’t wreck a three year friendship for me to screw him on the rebound.
So conversation of Cell guys ex came up and Harpie just went on a tirade about how they shouldn’t be with her, she’s a bitch, etc. Uhhhh hello I know the ex and she is a sweetheart amazing person except a cold fish in the sack. This does not make her the most horrible person in the world. She kept on it and looked to me more and more desperate for Cell guy. So as Harpie and I are outside smoking I started asking if she was into Cell guy. My premonition (which it was not hard to see) was correct and she really wanted to be with him. I politely said “you need to be careful with the bashing of the ex since they are so recently broken up….you don’t want Cell guy to be with you unless he is fully done with the ex. Resentment could build otherwise.” Then I brought up how I don’t understand how she hates her so much since she is so nice. We debated back and forth but when it comes down to it. WOMEN are horrible to each other if it is over a man. This is one aspect of being a woman I cannot stand. We will turn on each other as opposed to put the blame where it belongs nine times out of ten. We will forgive a cheating bastard and give the single woman the nickname skank whore. Do not get me wrong sometimes this is warranted but men do not exhibit this ridiculous reaction. They are logical and recognize where the anger should truly lie. I felt like Harpie how can you be so cold hearted when you pretended to be friends with the ex (whom I need to reiterate she is possibly one of the sweetest women I have ever met) but are trying to be a relationship breaker for your own gain? How about some comradery? Bro’s before hoes mentality would be nice within the vagina community. I bet a lot less women would put up with as much shit from a relationship and maybe, just maybe men would be forced to think about others feeling (yes I am a little bitter, but I do recognize there are women like this as well)
I think Harpie was a little annoyed at my honesty but I diverted the attention and got us back to laughing. At this point Hot Man (guy I met on Myspace) text me and I texted back and in a little bit of a drunken place called him. We had a 30 minute conversation and it was really nice. He seemed intelligent, funny….and the best trait he was almost in the same exact situation as I. Hmmm both emotionally bitter people just wanting some distraction. This could be perfect. He has either messaged me or talked to me since the say he messaged me so this could be a perfect rebound…..
The story gets more interesting but I will continue it later tonight.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Hmm Hot Marine boy...

OK...so I have just had this horrible long drawn out breakup with S. but surprisingly I am holding up quite well. No crying the last 3 days, still eating and going to the gym. Even the lame email he sent me about learning from me, he will miss me....all word vomit and lies, did not get me upset just more angry. I even got together the last few things I have to give back (via friends not in person) including his key to his apartment, hoodie and his childhood stuffed animal. (It was made mention that I should cut off and ear and send it back, hehehe!)
So last night I am hanging with MAC girl one of my good friends who was dumped recently and guy is calling and sleeping with her but not saying he wants to get back together thing. Oh hun we have all been there, especially with our first love/crush. She brought over these delicious eggplant wraps and pasta salad and we watched a movie.
Remember I said Myspace is the devil, well I still agree but it seems a perfect place for rebound boys and a little ego boost. See I have been on myspace for years (before it was so big) but I was alos always in a relationship so I never hunted on Myspace or became friends with random men.
Well now I am in a whole new world of Single MYSPACE. I got alot of emails and friend requests. So this makes me feel good but most are not anyone I would talk to (hmm creepy 50 year old pedophile) but there were a couple and one guy in particular. We will call him HOT MARINE man. Holy shit this guy is goodlooking. He seems like the perfect rebound. He is 31, was in the marines, is a personal trainer and works at the clothing store Hollister as a manager, and is applying to law school as we speak. On a physical level, he has a chiseled jaw and chest with big gorgeous blue eyes. Honeslty I usually fall for cute but rebound and lust (which is all I can deal with right now in my bitter stage) makes this guy a perfect canidate.
He emailed me a simple hi and I emailed back...well low and behold soon after I email him I get a respond and we ended up IMing for 20-30 minutes. Other great points...COMPLETE opposite of S. in the fact that he doesn't drink! Get this, he stopped drinking to concentrate on school. Holy shit a man who doesn't have a drinking problem and has self control. I admitted that I could give up most booze but not my red wine. I will have to examine this straight edge lifestyle to see what it is like. Just from the IM and picture exchange (I gave some good pics and not so good pics so he had a true depiction of me) he surprisingly gave me his number (Ok so he is either shy like he said he was or he is a complete slut).
Oh and on a side note…MAC girl was with me and acting like a little school girl like me as well. That is when we came up with HOT MAN (name) for him. Its funny how a little ego boost can brighten your day even for a few minutes. Luckily I am in that “I don’t give a shit if you ever call me or see me again because all men should die” mentality but a hot man can definitely bring a smile to your face. Let’s think about this….He is gorgeous, muscular, can get me discounts from a great clothing store, smart, and going to Law school. Hmmmm what else do I need in a lust relationship? Hopefully if we actually get together and start to hang out he won’t be awful in person or in bed. I will keep you updated but should get to some real work….

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Not too bad..

Well I am holding in there, hanging out with friends, hitting the gym like there is no tomorrow.
I hate the whole divorcee friends thing though. See, one of my best friend StylistExtrodenar (whom I have been friends with for 10 years) met her now husband through S. (his best friend and old roommate for 4 years) so they definately feel the aftermath of this. Last night I stopped over and visited and had not seen them since the horrible saturday night fiasco with S. Stylist had no problem dishing out derogatory comments about S. but I kind of felt bad for her husband. Let's face it even though I love Stylist husband, I would not stop being friends or think negatively about Hairstylist. I cut back on the angery converstation and swtiched the subject.
It was so hard to not ask about it, but I refrained because my anger is still too much.
S. emailed me some bullshit email about learning alot from me (hmm that I built your sorry ass confidence up) and he didn't regret meeting me or being with me (sorry buddy I do not reciprocate that feeling which is no surprise since i was nothing but faithful and supportive to you over the last 4 years) and the infamous I hope you find happiness and I will miss you line. Thank god I am so angry because normally this bullshit lines might work. Too much damage has been done and baiscally I realize he was nothing but a liar keeping me around for support but wasn't ready to be with only one person.
As my good friend Cell guy (I should have dated him instead of S.) states "Keep the hate alive" and another friend of mine MAC (who was recently dumped as well) states "Don't waste the Pretty" I continue to tell myself this over and over....

Monday, March 26, 2007

Plane has crashed and burned...

Ohhh it is finally done with S.! THANK GOD I FOUND OUT NOW! I always said hope for nothing, expect the worse with him. I was so mad and it ended nasty which I did intentionally so that there would be no back and forth. I got him pretty mad with the mean comments I put out there. I brought up things I know are his soft spots (which I never have in any fight with him in the past) but without going into all the details I can say without a doubt this burning plane of a relationship has finally crashed. I feel so many emotions, anger, sadness, relief, and indifference all at the same time. I am sure it will come in waves over the next year or so of healing. I need to drop off his key and some stuff but I am just going to give it to mutual friends so I don’t have to deal with it. I wonder how I allowed myself to be so blind when in the past I never did that. How could I go from the nice guys to this, thank god I never did marry him! He will be someone else’s problem and I will no longer be his crutch. It’s a new day and the next few months are going to be hard but you know what I will survive this and one day just look back and laugh at how I was ever with this guy for so long. Thank god for this blog, my journal, my open book of feelings. And thank god for my friends and family they are the best ever. Back to work and on with a new chapter in my life.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Love this blog

I just read another womans blog called "Confessions of a Pretty Girl" and I am addicted... granted I am a voyeur but she just described S. to a T. Still bummed out and feeling pathetic but reading this was nice to see I am not the only one to have encountered it.

http://prettygirlconfessions.wordpress.com/2007/03/09/the-diamond-house-the-walls-we-build/

So depressed...

I do not know what is wrong with me today, but I am so depressed. Maybe its the weather but I am pretty sure it's this whole situation with S. This whole situation I hate because I hate him, and more so myself. I don’t know why I love him so much and let him have such a hold on me. I NEVER, EVER let anyone have this much of me and even worse someone who doesn’t appreciate it or can’t get over there baggage to do so. The following song is how I feel about the whole thing….

"Addicted"
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leechSucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't thinkWithout you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
I'm hooked on youI need a fix
I can't take itJust one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more timeT
hen that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on youI need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more timeThen that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me


On St. Patty’s I got totally inebriated and had a blast but apparently I gave some guy my number (which I do not remember at all) and he called to see if I wanted to date. I at that moment was mad at S. because I thought he wasn’t returning my text and call (wait am I 14 or 25?) and in anger I agreed to go out on a date with him. Forward to last night I was super bummed about the situation and today I decided I am not going to be a person who uses another to temporarily make me feel better. I have been told rebound guys are necessary and I can understand why but at the same time I don’t feel right using someone when I know my heart is still with S. (especially if the person seems nice). The worst part is that part of me hopes it will work out but part of me knows he will never. I should just walk away and save myself from all this pain. Yet at the same token why did I agree to go out with him tonight then. WTF! I just want to feel whole again. I feel like I am on a slow burning plane that is inevitably going to blow up, but instead of jumping to the safety of the ocean I keep trying to maneuver the plane.
There are so many wonderful things about S. I know I have yet to state them, but there is. He is definitely my best friend, he understands me and even more can stand up to me. I am a pretty blunt upfront independent girl. He can handle that and makes me laugh all the time. He is amazing in the sack and always makes me feel sexy as hell. He has the same sense of humor and is a hard worker. He is really intelligent and can switch gears from a debate over social paradigms to fart jokes. But all of these things are totally masked with the inability to commit to anything and the age old “ I don’t know if I want to marry (which means me)?” I should just leave and save myself from a lifetime of misery but apparently I am a sadomasochist. I thought this shit was supposed to happen when you were 16 and not know…..this is so not my year!
P.S. this blog has definately been an emotional outlet for me which seems to be helping a bit...

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Growing up and frogs who have sex changes....

Honestly I am so surprised and impressed with working parents who have real responsibilities as opposed to me a 25 year old woman who works full time and feels like I have no time for anything.
My daily routine is to wake up around 6am, get ready with my morning breakfast consisting of a cigarette and coffee (for some reason do not get hungry until 11am) then on to my 35 minute commute. This is reflection time for me (this is good and bad especially with personal drama) until I make it to my lovely large cubical. I work at a biomedical company as an engineer. Surprisingly I am not an engineer but graduated with a genetics masters. This chemical background and attention for detail has proven highly effective as an engineer. See previous blog about how I feel about my job.
I love my two direct bosses but cannot stand the two coworkers I have. One is a pretentious cheap (you couldn’t squeeze any money or liquid from the man if you tried) guy who has a chip on his shoulder and feels that everyone owes him something. His sidekick which is what he is isn’t quite so bad but I have no respect for someone who is a grown man and follows someone else around like a puppy. They both feel like they should be the company CEO within a year of being here and just think everyone else is holding them back. They act like thirteen year old girls who talk about everyone (I am included) and email back and forth on a daily basis about me. They are so funny because they think I don’t know but more so I just don’t care.
So I am polite and keep to myself but honestly it has been a rude awakening for me working with mostly men. I have always had a respect and jealousy of how men interact. Less drama and directness I knew from the male species seems to be devoid from engineers. I guess I should remember being in college and how the engineers were and interacted with each other. I was with one for 4 years and although he was a sweetheart he was a bit childish and had this “I am god because I can create things from nothing”. Do not get me wrong not all engineers are this way (always exceptions to the rule) but at least where I work there is a lot of finger pointing, whining, back stabbing, etc. Maybe if you put too much of the same sex in a single area it causes a chain of events, like when frogs in certain terrains will change sexes if there is not enough diversity, hehee! Yeah that’s how I will think of the men I work with…..tropical frogs whom have changed there genitals but not there appearance!
Back to my life…so after work I go to the gym get my ass all skanky and then return home (used to come home or visit my man, but not now) and make dinner, clean, do laundry, errands, etc. Then a little TV and pass out to do it over again. I know my life is not even that hectic so I guess I stand here amazed and a little scared of having more responsibilities than just me.
It is weird how our generation and the ones below me have almost prolonged our childhood. Most parents I know by my age had two children and a house. I have a semi man afraid to commit, and a cheap apartment in the ghetto, crappy car and no want for children right now (I still feel like a kid some days). I guess no one is truly ever ready to grow up but we all have too. Now if I could just beat that into S. head until his eyes fall out my day would start to look better, hehehe!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Part two....NOT EVEN GOING TO TYPE IT!

You know what there is not even a reason to continue describing the rest of the weekend. Short version I went out on St. Patty’s day with my friends and had a blast and low and behold S. showed up in a cab at 2am. I of course didn’t turn him away but we didn’t have sex either. Then the next day we went to our scheduled date to see a concert and I had a blast. It was like old times….but you see that is the problem I can’t let myself believe it will be good. Actually old times were not always great because of S. cataclysmic mistakes he makes about once every year. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just let this guy think everything can go back to normal on his terms. HELL NO!
So he called and texted me yesterday and we bantered back and forth but when he asked me to come over I told him “How does me coming over and fucking you clarify stuff for you?” He responded “OUCH I am sorry I just want to see you and miss you” I responded “I Miss you too but you have to figure your shit out so I won’t get hurt again” His response “I am so sorry I got u into this mess, I love you” He then called. He apologized etc. I told him listen it isn’t about apologies anymore it’s about you getting your stuff together because you don’t know what you want. He of course is like “I can’t picture my life without you, I know it will work out with us, etc” OH REALLY will it, then what are you so fucking afraid of? Why don’t you just tell me you have no doubt that you want to marry me?
As I type this I don’t understand how or why I don’t run for the hills? He is blatantly telling me he has commitment issues with all of life, and I am expected to sit around and see if he figures it out? This is crazy and retarded…..I have never in my whole life put up with this much bullshit? How at 25 am I doing the old song and dance with a “Bad Boy”. I was always the sucker for nice guys and never gave shitheads the time of day. This is no excuse but S. definitely came off as the “nice guy” for a long time. We didn’t have sex for 2-3 months, he has been faithful to his last girlfriend of 5 years (I believe past relationships are totally indicative of how they will be with you) and he acted like he worshipped me. My family and friends all could not believe some of the shit S. has done. I hope this blog will continue to help me express my emotions and clarify what the hell I am doing. So I am sorry to not explain the whole weekend in detail but I feel angry and strong today and do not feel S is worthy of posting a nice blog about.
On a better note….I am being so good about working out and eating right that my whole body is looking fabulous! I am determined to have the body of my dreams by summer and the rate I am going its not going to be impossible. I have been able to wear things I haven’t since high school! Personal tragedy is the best diet apparently, hehehe!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Part One: St. Patty's day weekend.

Hopefully everyone had a great Saint Patty’s day and drank lots of Irish car bombs and green beer! I had a full weekend, filled with fun, and my own weakness when it comes to S. but overall it was a great weekend.
Well the patheticness (is that a word, hehe) starts on Friday when I was let out of work early due to a snow storm (I thought it was supposed to be spring soon, DAMN HEDGEHOG). It took an hour and a half to get home (which is usually a half an hour drive) but before I did I stopped to get some magazines, books and face mask…since I suspected to be home alone with no one around.
I have been having a hard time with the “being alone” aspect of this breakup. Now before you jump on me about not having to have a man, its not the alone without a man, just the overall nobody is around. Being raised in a large family (Parents still married, 4 daughters, 5 cats, and 1 dog) you were never alone (PRIVACY was non-existent) then I moved into a college dorm and continued all four years. After undergraduate I moved into a house with my sister and have only lived alone once and spent more time at S. house and friends then I did in that apartment. I just don’t do well with no one around. I have to begin to get used to this since it is looking more and more like my roommates will be moving up and in with there men in the next year.
So I get home finally and begin to try to occupy my time. I did two workout tapes (pretty irritated that I couldn’t make it to the gym) laundry, cleaned, played on computer, watched a movie, made some dinner and watched some TV. By the sixth hour of this and not being able to come up with anything else to do I checked my Myspace (I mean the devil) and S. had invited me over and then called me to see if I would come. Damn him and his fireplace, amazing smile and homemade dinner. He brought out the big guns by putting Barry (one of my really great guy friends) to sucker me over. So I am pathetic I know, it even took me 2 hours to leave my apartment after the invite but like a lame ass I succumbed to the invite due to my inability to handle having no one around. How is it when we know we shouldn’t we still go through with things like this? I had prepped myself for that night yet I caved like a fat kid at fat camp trying to say no to a Butterfinger! There is more to this story about the whole weekend but I need to get back to work….

Friday, March 16, 2007

To drink green beer or not...

Well Saint Patrick’s Day is on a Saturday this year and I am pretty sure that is going to bring trouble. I haven’t really pin point what or who I am hanging out with this year, especially with all the drama with S. and the divorcee friends we share. The only person I made sure to snatch up was my long time best guy friend Barry.
We have been friends for 10 years and like an idiot I totally facilitated S. and Barry becoming best friends and now they live together L It is so awful to the point that when I broke it off I had to have a conversation with Barry to make him understand how I wouldn’t be able to have a lot of contact with him while I am trying to heal. I explained to him how seeing him made me think of S. and would make me grill him to probably hear information I “REALLY” didn’t want to hear. Plus Jay is best friends with S. to and he has a penis, so let’s not totally live in delusions that “dick” sticks together. In the past Barry has proven this point with me, and he claims it was not because of that but deep down every man has the bro’s before ho’s mentality and honestly I am a little jealous that women do not share the same mentality.
Luckily Barry is understanding and now it has been some time and S. and I are in the limbo, distance, limbo, dating, weird situation so I am not completely devastated (sounds very pathetic as I type it) and I miss Barry. It was great when things were good with S. I mean you have your best guy and best friend all under the same roof. Poor Barry was so funny and said “It’s like you broke up with me too, I was so used to you basically living with us, and this shit is crazy!”
So I made sure to get him before S. does hehehe not really but I know S. has other people to hang with and I miss Barry. Barry basically dropped his other plans and we are definitely doing some bar hopping on Sat. Night. I am sure somehow there will be drama of some sort whether it has to do with S. or not because lets face it tons of drunken people cramped in small area drinking green beer will always result in something crazy happening. To drink green beer or not is the question???

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Do NOT get comfortable

I need to remind myself over and over...DO not get comfortable at your job Katie! The problem is that the job pays well, has great benefits and time off, etc. YET THE CONTENT OF MY JOB IS BORING! It is nothing I would want to do for the rest of my life. I need to keep reminding myself to only give them 2-3 years and then bounce. Corporate Biomedical field is still the corporate monster even if it makes life saving products. I am a little licky in that my cubicle is very large, hehe! It is nice after years of bartending and waitressing to have become part of society with insurance, and steady pay check. But desperation is a sad thing when you will take a job outside of your field due to the rent...

Insecurities make me smile...

SO I haven’t written in a few days because once again I find myself drawn to S. This guy is such a ridiculous paradox and I know men can be simple, black and white, blah BULLSHIT. So I hadn’t talked to S. on Monday (went to the Meat Market) and then on Tuesday I made a point to not call. I know his day off is wed. So he would be doing something fun. So I was glad when my roommate was home and my girlfriend Melissa (who is going through a difficult breakup as well, poor thing got dumped) were around. So I went to the gym and got home to make dinner and drink some wine with my girls. We sat around and bitched about S. and Immature Dumb ass (that’s Melissa’s ex) and drank more wine. I was getting a little more and more tipsy and of course like a fucking retard I text him “hope you are having fun” DAMMIT, drunk text or dial never good always shows weakness….which I am tired of having with this man. Oh well I decided to not wait for a return and took my sleeping pill (I love Rozerum) and said goodbye to Melissa and crawled into my lonely bed. Hmmm sleep came quickly around 11:30pm..
Well fast forward to about 3 am when my phone vibrates to wake me up…its S. leaving a text “It’s so lonely in my bed without you I can barely fall asleep” so I text back I miss you too (yes I am retarded but I do) and he called immediately. He sounded drunk but not plastered and mentioned he went to the dive bar near his apartment with a roommate. He said he missed me and I told him the same. Asked about his night, which was mostly drinking and hanging with about 4 other people in the bar and were girls. Whatever surprisingly that didn’t bother me since I have frequently visited this bar and the women look like country old bumpkins. So I proceed to explain about Monday night and S. actually got upset and jealous. It was crazy and actually made me smile to see him get insecure because that is how I have been feeling with him for a long time. He freaked out and I didn’t apologize but I went over to calm him. He was upset about me hanging out with friends whom I had slept with in the past; one in particular, which to be honest would ditch his girlfriend of three years right now for me. I know this but he has never overstepped his bounds and we are really good friends. He and Sharon have been there during my hysterical crying lonely fits and I will never forget that. Usually S. is so cool, calm and collective so it was nice to see him freaking out about how he is going crazy thinking about me with anyone else. He kept telling me he wanted to be together and none of this separation, etc. I just looked at him and asked “Do you want to get married ever?” He responded “I can’t imagine my life without you, but….” The dreaded but! “I am afraid to get married.” I responded “Then this cannot change.” WHAT THE HECK? How can you in one breath say you can never imagine your future or life without me, but you can’t get married? I explained I am not going to have children out of wedlock, or being someone’s baby mamma live in girlfriend. I came from a tight nit Irish polish catholic family and that is what I want. My parents have had there problems but still love each other and raised 4 daughters whom are all college graduates with direction, goals and dreams (an no records, hehe). S. kept saying he doesn’t know why he feels this way? UHHH DUHHH I am not a shrink and I can break it down for you. Your parents are hippies who never committed to anything in there life! They never got married, never went or finished school, never stayed in one place, couldn’t keep jobs, and smoked pot all the time. Then lets move on to the loser friends you used to hang out with and your first love. Hmmm friends all have been in and out of jail, your ex of 5 years was going no where, was a stripper and finally left you when she realized she needed to do something to change this and joined the army! Hmmm I wonder where you get it from. Oh lets not forget the drinking problem you have. Apparently he needs a shrink to tell him, which is fine.
The worse part is as I type this I realize I have become one of those women I hate…before S. I never put up with any garbage which is why before S. I always had nice guy boyfriends. I need to keep this distance so that when S. messes up again I will not care. These intertwined friends’ is definitely dragging out the inevitable. Questions for you twenty something’s out there….have you dealt with a break up where you had to have contact (children, work, friends, etc?) how did you deal with it?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Meat Market?

Well after a great weekend with S. I realized I needed to go out so that I do not let myself get sucked back in to his amazing ways (which never work out the way he says). So my girlfriend Nicole wanted to go to this singles event called the Meat Market. We went last year and I was a great wing woman so she wanted to go again and I hadn’t seen her in ages. So I was good and went to the gym and then got ready (I am looking good from losing weight, personal life tragedies are the best diet ever, hehe) to go out to Hartford.
So I get there way earlier than Nicole (she does not know Hartford well and always gets lost) and decided to go in. Well once I get in I ask this bartender if he had a coat check and he started chatting it up and apparently remembered me. OK the guy seems nice but not really my type…..he took my coat and placed it behind the bar and then gave me my first drink for free. Actually at the same time some disgusting tanned up older man whore was trying to buy me a drink but luckily the bartender (who might not be my type, but seems like a sweetheart) took care of me.
So the idea behind this singles event was basically these guys have numbers and in a book say who they are, age, occupation, etc. So you can look them up once you see the number. Although this event was fun its kind of depressing to see 8 women around one man. I guess it is amazing for the man and it definitely turns the table, so part of me is really excited for these men who usually have to have the balls to approach women and possibly get rejected. Lucky for me I am in the bitter, sad broken up stage so I really could give two shits if anyone talks to me or doesn’t. I had men approach me but I spent most of my time being a wing woman for Nicole approaching men for her and starting the conversation, etc. We started to get ancy and decided to leave so I went to get my jacket and the bartender asked to take me to dinner. I was stuck, and thought….Why not he seems nice; S. is probably doing the same thing so why not. I realize he is not someone I would most likely end up with but he was nice. I gave him my number but I don’t know about actually going? First I am not really attracted to him, and he seems too nice to be a rebound guy. He would be a guy to date when I am not still in love with S.
My friend Sharon said that after her long term man left her for the army and a younger girl that the best thing for her was a rebound named Erin. He was good-looking, smart, great in bed and treated her nice BUT he was cocky, didn’t have a job, and still lived at home (he was 27). She said she knew she would never stay with him but he helped her ego even though she really didn’t like him. This bartender seems too nice to use like that. I have heard that nice guys don’t win which I agree to a certain degree but I have always dated the nice guys. My first love Mike, and Chris were the nicest guys…they didn’t work out due to situations out of our control. So I am not capable of being mean to a nice guy, so I have to find a guy that I won’t feel bad about treating like a rebound. Although I should probably just stay alone and not use anyone? Hmmmm what to do?

Monday, March 12, 2007

DAMMIT...I had an amazing weekend!

Dammit, this weekend was AMAZING! I am so angry at myself; you may be asking “Why are you mad at an amazing weekend?”….because it was with S. We had to work on catered private parties in Boston (long story short we committed to this charity in October for my sister, and broke up 4 weeks ago with the whole on and off crap) and it was like we were still together. We stayed at my sister and brother in laws outside of Boston, but my family does not know we are in this weird broken up, limbo, trying to work it out, but keep my distance relationship (I know, I know its crazy) because I could not afford for S. to back out of this commitment in fear of my family giving him the cold shoulder.
We have not spent any consecutive days together in a month (random late night calls, and showing up at my apartment crying, upset, etc) but this weekend was like how it used to be. I made sure to not fight with him or get upset and just have a good time (secretly I just want him to know how amazing I am) and of course the sex, lovemaking was amazing. He is my best friend and it is so hard to not just let myself get back with him fully. The problem is after so much I just don’t want to get hurt again. I want to keep my distance to see if he can handle it but I also miss him dearly. DAMMIT why does everything have to be so complicated? He always appears to be sincere but his action are so retarded that I try to keep telling myself over and over “ DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!” but yet I slowly see myself (especially after this weekend) falling back into him.
I will give everyone advice…..Do not integrate your man fully into your group of friends because this is definitely making this difficult. I feel sometimes that if we didn’t share all of the same friends a clean break could have occurred (or am I just lying to myself). How can one person have so much control over your heart and soul? Granted he has definitely been affected by this and has shown that he is upset and emotional (this guy is a manly man to so it makes me feel good to see him cry out for me as well) but I think too much damage has been done and the trust is so hard to get back.
I am petrified that in a year he will pull the same “I don’t think I want to get married?” Do not get me wrong…I was not pressuring for a ring now, but after almost 4 years and talking openly about marriage I thought within the next year. Hmmmm look I am rambling and letting him get into my head again! Must stop and get to work, maybe for a few hours I will not think about him….maybe?

Friday, March 9, 2007

What is the deal?

So I get home from work last night and actually saw my roommate (we’ll call Sharon) whom has been MIA since she has a new man. Do not get me wrong Sharon is one of my true best friends who was definitely there for me with this whole crazy breakup, back together, breakup limbo crap situation I have with S. She was the true friend who dropped everything and invited me out because she knows how I don’t deal with my own thoughts very well.
On the topic of friends it is crazy how you realize who are true friends and those who are convenient fun friends when you go through something like this. I was surprised because I have some friends whom have been there before when I was falling apart but now really are not. To the point where I ask myself why am I friends with them. My main problem is I am classified as a giver. Our couples counselor (S. and I even tried that) told me that I am too much of a giver to my friends and family and constantly do not put myself first. So when I fall apart (which happens maybe once every two years) and I do not receive the same emotional support I give makes me fall deeper into depression, if not angers me. It was crazy to hear him say you have to stop being the giver or else you will burn out by the time you are 35. I have such issues with this…..why do I have to stop caring about people and giving? Treat others as you would be treated? Am I naïve to this my friends of ten years or more can do that? Apparently now that they are married or in a Long term relationship it is. The bizarre thing is that even though S. and I were together for almost 4 years (not really sure what we are now) I never once not included my friends or flat out dropped everything for them when they needed it (especially with the matters of the heart). Dammit the stress of this is the last thing I need. So the question is do I change my ways to become another selfish person in the sea of many (firm belief that the whole change of taking care of yourself first all the time, etc is the reason that divorce is so high, sometimes it is valid and sometimes not) or do I continue to be who I am (guess coming from a large, strong loving family made me that way) and realize that people will not change and accept them for who they are?

P.S.: S. texted me how he wishes I was there because he was doing laundry and we used to do it together (kind of a ritual)…hmmm is that a compliment or do you not like to fold? What is the deal with this man…..

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Myspace is the devil

MYSPACE, is seriously the Devil. Yes it has its advatages of keeping in contact with people you really do not want to talk to but it also serves as a horrible portal of competition, voyearism, and sluttiness (men and women). I love seeing all the myspace skanks and men whom show there true colors. I love when a guy messages you and when you look at their page it has 8 million girls with no clothes on. I wonder what kind of class he has? Even better I got a couple of friend requests from some real creepy guys. One had a foot fetish (so of course i had to check out his space) and this 40 something old man had picutres with 18 year old girls licking there feet. I guess I should be flattered since I appeared to be above his normal age group, hehe! Even with breakups I find myself checking out exes (especially S.) and I get upset when I see new random ladies with no clothes on. It just makes it harder to not care, NO clean break here with myspace. So how is it I know that Myspace is awful but I still use it? Dammit!

Can it get any worse!

So I have to ask myself "What the hell else can go wrong this month?" Is this seriously all occruing at the same time. I swear the old cliche is true BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN THREE. So S. and I broke up, I just couldn't take it anymore....granted I am still madly in love with him! But even though I technically broke it off with him (in a hysterical mess) I truley feel like he dumped me. After 4 years and so much bullshit what was I to do when he said " I don't think I ever want to get married" Well dumbass that means you don't want to marry me. He looked shocked when I ended it and the last three weeks have been back and forth, him showing up at my place upset, me calling him...DRAMA, DRAMA and more drama. I do not understand why i just can't let S. go? Is love this passionate and addictive healthy? Does not help that the sex is the most amazing in my life. Well I will continue in a bit the other crazy things occuring...but to all the quarter life babies out there I have a question....Is a live with too much passion a good thing for a real long term relationship?